Engaged, broke up and now he wants back

[Hurt]

I was engaged to a guy (4 weeks to be exact), he finished the relationship. We had a couple of problems but I thought we just needed to sit down and get them sorted, never did I think they were serious. We were deeply in love. They were more to do with personality clashes. He was quite controlling while I am a independent woman, who never wanted to be controlled and I did give into a couple of his demands. So when I didn't do everything he asked, he viewed this as me not totally loving him etc. Now a couple of months later says he wants me back, he realises he was depressed (has self diagnoised Clincal Depression) and that is why he left so quickly. I have told everyone the engagement/wedding is off, which was a very difficult time and he didn't assist me in anyway. After leaving he told me this was a DEFINITE decision and there was no going back. I would love to take him back as I still really love him, however, I feel how could I trust him, I am scared he will really hurt me again. Also, how do I know he won't suffer depression again, if our MINOR disagreements caused this then how could he cope with the other pressures that marriage and kids bring. He says he doesn't know why the depression happened and it had never happened before. I have said we should take a few months apart and see how we feel, I want to make sure he isn't rushing into things, I know he is lonely and doesn't have many friends. He says it is either now nor never. My parents and friends are advicing me to not go back as they feel he left really quickly and treated me really cruelly. I viewed the engagement as a major commitment and I always thought he did also, and that is another reason I couldn't believe it when he left, he just didn't try to work out our problems at all. Does anyone have any advice?

[Nicky]

I was engaged to a guy (4 weeks to be exact), he finished the relationship. We had a couple of problems but I thought we just needed to sit down and get them sorted, never did I think they were serious. We were deeply in love. They were more to do with personality clashes. He was quite controlling while I am a independent woman, who never wanted to be controlled and I did give into a couple of his demands. So when I didn't do everything he asked, he viewed this as me not totally loving him etc. Now a couple of months later says he wants me back, he realises he was depressed (has self diagnoised Clincal Depression) and that is why he left so quickly. I have told everyone the engagement/wedding is off, which was a very difficult time and he didn't assist me in anyway. After leaving he told me this was a DEFINITE decision and there was no going back. I would love to take him back as I still really love him, however, I feel how could I trust him, I am scared he will really hurt me again. Also, how do I know he won't suffer depression again, if our MINOR disagreements caused this then how could he cope with the other pressures that marriage and kids bring. He says he doesn't know why the depression happened and it had never happened before. I have said we should take a few months apart and see how we feel, I want to make sure he isn't rushing into things, I know he is lonely and doesn't have many friends. He says it is either now nor never. My parents and friends are advicing me to not go back as they feel he left really quickly and treated me really cruelly. I viewed the engagement as a major commitment and I always thought he did also, and that is another reason I couldn't believe it when he left, he just didn't try to work out our problems at all. Does anyone have any advice?

First things first, if he's never had depression before, what makes him expert enough to diagnose this? There are a variety of forms, and if he fears he is depressed, he should seek treatment (assuming he hasn't already).

 

Secondly, it sounds as though it's "been decided" that he is depressed because of the relationship problems, neatly laying the blame at your feet. Depression is believed to be (there is still much debate as to the causes) partly genetic & partly due to the way people react (poorly) to problems,a "learned helplessness", so hence you are not wholly responsible.

 

You say he is lonely & hasn't many friends. That's no reason to get back with somebody. And why does it have to be "now or never"? What's the rush? If he is depressed, shouldn't you sort that out first? And if he is depressed, he is in absolutly no frame of mind to make rational decisions about his long term future. Depression is no reason not to marry somebody, but the problem has to be acknowledged, understood and dealt with.

 

I could criticize him for disappearing as he did, but if he is genuinely depressed, then it can make people behave quite badly, and they really are not themselves. But I just get the feeling that all of this is being laid at your feet.

 

He disappeared, you say, because there were problems, and he couldn't handle it. And now he returns- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has changed or been resolved and he wants you to commit NOW or NEVER. Great problem solving style!

 

I fear that he may still be trying to control you. By saying "OH, but I'm depressed", seems to neatly abdicate himself of all responsibilty for his actions and decisions taken.

 

I think you need to think long and hard about this. I think you need to know him MUCH better, before deciding whether he's worth staying with or not. I just get the feeling that he has the potential to turn into a very different person once married, and could become much more controlling. I think you should listen to the signals you've picked up.

 

You may well love him, but is he really the best deal for you?

 

All the best, I hope it works out for you.

[Tony T]

Wow, Nicky really knows what's going on here!!!

 

This guy told you leaving you was a definite decision and there was NO GOING BACK.

 

You just don't need this kind of crap in your life. Nicky was nice and sort of left the decision up to you. It's your decision anyway.

 

But my recommendation is to dump this bum now, don't wait for the next breath. Nicky put it sweetly but I am telling you this guy is a controlling bastard and you can find so many many many guys out there who would much better compliment your independent nature. Opposites attract...and that's what causes nuclear explosions.

[Ann]

Judging by the tone of your post, it seems like you already know in your heart what you should do.

 

Also, he issued an ultimatum (now or never). Give me a break. He is the one that left you in the first place. He should be begging you, not ordering you.

 

Ann

I was engaged to a guy (4 weeks to be exact), he finished the relationship. We had a couple of problems but I thought we just needed to sit down and get them sorted, never did I think they were serious. We were deeply in love. They were more to do with personality clashes. He was quite controlling while I am a independent woman, who never wanted to be controlled and I did give into a couple of his demands. So when I didn't do everything he asked, he viewed this as me not totally loving him etc. Now a couple of months later says he wants me back, he realises he was depressed (has self diagnoised Clincal Depression) and that is why he left so quickly. I have told everyone the engagement/wedding is off, which was a very difficult time and he didn't assist me in anyway. After leaving he told me this was a DEFINITE decision and there was no going back. I would love to take him back as I still really love him, however, I feel how could I trust him, I am scared he will really hurt me again. Also, how do I know he won't suffer depression again, if our MINOR disagreements caused this then how could he cope with the other pressures that marriage and kids bring. He says he doesn't know why the depression happened and it had never happened before. I have said we should take a few months apart and see how we feel, I want to make sure he isn't rushing into things, I know he is lonely and doesn't have many friends. He says it is either now nor never. My parents and friends are advicing me to not go back as they feel he left really quickly and treated me really cruelly. I viewed the engagement as a major commitment and I always thought he did also, and that is another reason I couldn't believe it when he left, he just didn't try to work out our problems at all. Does anyone have any advice?

[Hurt]

He is now saying he will change totally, will not make the same mistakes. He seems to be so geninue about it, I am finding it very difficult to remain strong. Do you think it is possible for someone to realise totally they have made a big mistake and to do everything in their power for this not to happen again.

[Nicky]

He is now saying he will change totally, will not make the same mistakes. He seems to be so geninue about it, I am finding it very difficult to remain strong. Do you think it is possible for someone to realise totally they have made a big mistake and to do everything in their power for this not to happen again.

Hiya,

 

Been there!!!! In my situation the guy really really realized how AWFUL he had been. He changed overnight and was a different person for a few weeks. It was like a dream come true. The relationship was exactly what I dreamed of. Our communication was so honest and open. Sound familiar? Then he began to get back to the way he was. At the end of the day, he never really changed that much.

 

The question is, how much can we radically change? At the end of the day the controlling aspect of your BF's nature, is something that goes so very deeply. It is bound to always be there to a degree. Will he be able to sit down and discuss it in months to come, when he reverts to his behaviour?

 

The guy I mentioned couldn't.

 

I know it's difficult for you to tear yourself away, and perhaps you don't want to give up without a fight. It sounds as though you're going to give him a second chance. I think if you do, as I said, you must REALLY see him for what he is. I really don't think you should marry him for at least twelve months. Correction- I don't think you should even be discussing marriage for at least twelve months. This is your life, we're talking about.

 

If he wants your happiness, then he should understand that you will not talk of a future with him until you are absolutely certain that he's the right one for you.

 

The strangest thing that I found with the controlling aspect, is for 12 months, I just couldn't see what was going on under my own nose. I'm not a controller, and I just didn't see it. It's really quite insidious.

 

If this guy is reasonable, he'll respect whatever you say you need. I hope he does, otherwise- there's your answer.

 

Hope that helps! All the best.

[Hurt]

Thanks for that Nicky. I know I cannot take him back, it is just I still really love him and want to believe him. I know deep down he cannot change and at the end of the day, I never wanted him to change me so I wouldn't want to change anyone else. My fear is taking him back and discovering he hasn't changed. I wonder how long it would take before he would get back to his normal self. The funny thing is, I never would have left him, only now after a while on my own, I have realised how controlling and even how I wasn't totally happy in the relationship. I have explained to him, I want someone who will treat me right from the start, who doesn't have to be told and someone who will love me the way I am. He is just finding it hard to accept as I have never really stood up to him or rejected him in the past. He was the one who was doing the rejecting. I just have to remain strong, it is so difficult seeing him and all I want to do is believe him.

[Nicky]

Thanks for that Nicky. I know I cannot take him back, it is just I still really love him and want to believe him. I know deep down he cannot change and at the end of the day, I never wanted him to change me so I wouldn't want to change anyone else. My fear is taking him back and discovering he hasn't changed. I wonder how long it would take before he would get back to his normal self. The funny thing is, I never would have left him, only now after a while on my own, I have realised how controlling and even how I wasn't totally happy in the relationship. I have explained to him, I want someone who will treat me right from the start, who doesn't have to be told and someone who will love me the way I am. He is just finding it hard to accept as I have never really stood up to him or rejected him in the past. He was the one who was doing the rejecting. I just have to remain strong, it is so difficult seeing him and all I want to do is believe him.

I sympathize. It's not easy to walk away from somebody you love that much. Still, it sounds as though you have enough self-respect to know when it's not working and won't work, and move on. All the best. I think you're doing the right thing.