Dysfunctional/abusive mother has done it again, and i am 27!

[flower_fairy11]

Hi! I need some help with this. I am a married woman with 2 beautiful children. I was severely abused as a child by my mother (Physical/emotional/mental/verbal). She was cruel. I got over it. When I was 14 I moved in with my grandparents. I kept a relationship going with my mother. I called her, she did not call me. When I had kids, I wanted my mom. (Don't ask me why) but she was never what I wanted her to be. She is very selfish. The following is a letter that I am in the process of writing to her. Recently, a lot has changed for me. My family is fairly close, we talk a lot, but never of the REAL issues. My grandma is a HUGE exaggurator/gossiper. My mom and I do not have a very good relationship. We barely ever see each other, let alone talk. Recently my husband and I decided that it isn't a good idea for my grandparents to take our kids swimming, which they occationally do, anymore. They are getting too old to drive, let alone with the kids in the car, and they sneak around with them to my aunt's house (whom I do not want my kids around because she is VERY, VERY racist, judgemental and completely ignorant.) The kids tell us that grandma and grandpa take them swimming and don't watch them and take them to my aunt's afterwards. So I told her that she can come here to spend time with the kids or we can meet at a park or out for lunch. Please read my letter to my mother, and you can see what happens next:

 

I am trying to understand what just happened. What I realized is that this is partially my fault for 2 reasons. First, for the last 9 years that I have been an adult, 8 of them a mother, I have let grandma gossip, exaggerate and fabricate about my life to others and I have done nothing to stop her. I don’t care what people say or think about me, but I thought you knew better than to believe her bull****. I gave my family more credit than they deserve. Jackie said something insightful about grandma, she said “If all you hear growing up is that you’re a bad person, you’ll grow up believing that you’re nothing.” Bingo. If all you hear from grandma is a bunch of negative things about me and my parenting, then I guess you’ll eventually believe it. My fault is letting it get out of hand without any consequence.

Secondly, I never should have pursued a relationship with you. But, you are my mother, so who can blame me. After all of the abuse and neglect I have been subjected to by your hand, what makes me think you’d change? What made me think you’d be a good grandmother?

 

I don’t think you realize what you’ve done. That is why I am writing this to you; so you understand exactly what you did. And I want you to read it. You owe me that much. You really need to know what you did. First of all, what you did made me remember all of the painful memories that I desperately want to forget. We’ll start there.

You never wanted me, and you never liked me. That was evident from the physical, mental and emotional abuse you subjected me to. Remember the wooden spoon you broke on my back? I do. Then you switched to the metal one. So you could hit me as hard as you could without hurting yourself. You were cruel to me. You would lock me in the attic at the mere age of five. How could you do that to a child? I could never imagine and I have kids! I have cried and cried at the thought of someone doing that to my beautiful children! Let alone me doing it to them, their mother, the one that they love and trust… the thought is completely inconceivable. Grandma seems to think that I am making all of this up, that I am a liar and that because of the physical abuse I saw my father do to you, I thought it was me. Well, you and I know better, don’t we mother? It was documented when I was 10 years old that I had a black and blue body and face, all because of you.

And dad… What the hell?! You must have LIKED getting beat by him. Subjecting us to THAT bull****! How could a MOTHER allow someone like that into her home?! And then blame ME for all of it! Then wondering what was wrong with ME when I was 14 and never came home… And you know what else was ****ed up?! I really liked the juvenile shelter I was put into. Isn’t that sad?! I liked the shelter more than being at my home. I was finally safe. I could sleep peacefully throughout the night. And there was structure, reward, praise… love. I loved sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing with all of the counselors and kids while eating. Then afterwards we’d all clean up together. That is why I am so adamant about my family eating dinner together every night. I got a taste of that life and knew that I wanted that for my kids. What kind of mother would move us from a beautiful neighborhood across the street from a park, into an apartment above a BAR on 16th and Lincoln that is crawling with cockroaches and there is no grass for the kids to play!?! Let alone the neighborhood and location of the apartment. Even if there was grass, we wouldn’t have been able to play outside. What kind of mother would do something like that? I think it was a really sick game you were playing with my alcoholic father. Moving closer to his family and above a BAR! What this hell is the matter with you?! You really are selfish.

You were one of the worst mother’s ever known to man. I am not being dramatic. You should never have been allowed to have children. You have 3 children. One that you lost when she was 14 years old, the other you lost when she was 16, and your son you lost when he was 16. I can honestly say that the 3 of us would have been better off in the system, growing up in foster homes. The abuse you heaped on us is unimaginable to others. Yet you did it… to me, and sometimes to Jackie. I don’t remember you hitting Ben like that, but you did enough damage to him in other ways, like choosing your alcoholic, drug addicted, physically and emotionally abusive SECOND husband over your own son. We all know how well that turned out. He’s the smartest one out of the 3 of us… he’s staying as far away as he can from all of this dysfunction. And poor Jackie. She’s turning out just like you. And you support her mutilating herself! She confided in me one night… Don’t you realize what she is doing to her poor body?! All of those piercings is a cry for HELP! She told me that she does it for the pain… just like a “cutter,” she does it because the physical pain of the piercings helps “relieve” the emotional pain inside. And yes, mother, it IS YOUR FAULT. Jackie is a very sick woman, and it is entirely your fault.

So, back to when I was 14, I left the shelter and moved in with grandma and poppa. Best thing that ever happened to me. Then Jackie moved in when she was 16. You never sent money. You never called. I remember you coming into West Bend, after a 6 hour drive from Hudson and never even thought to come the extra ½ hour to visit your daughters that you never see. I held 2 jobs while in high school so I could support Jackie and myself. I am the one that bought her dresses for dances, gave her an allowance and took her back-to-school shopping. I am the one that paid for her senior pictures and bought her yearbooks, paid for her fieldtrips. ME, not YOU. That was a huge burden for a 17/18 year old to take on. I couldn’t be a normal, self-interested 18-year-old because I already had a child to take care of… JACKIE! What kind of mother would purposely MISS her daughter’s proms, dates, first jobs?! THEN, when I was 20 and had 2 babies of my own to take care of, I had to take in your 16 year old son. After all of the damage you already caused him, he couldn’t adjust to a normal family home. Thanks for that. I was happy with my own little family, enjoying being a wife and mother to a 2 year old and newborn baby, but all of your **** followed me. Your dysfunction tainted my home, AGAIN.

I let go of all this years ago. I forgave you. I tried to understand, but then I let it go. It was a long time ago. When I was 14, I should never have pursued a relationship with you. You and I both know that if it wasn’t for me, we would never have had one. I should have kept it as that. But when I had my children, I wanted my mom, I wanted more than what you had any right to. I wanted my “idea” of what you should be and never were. Over the years, you’ve proved to me that you deserve none of this. Last semester, I asked you to watch the kids for an hour on Thursdays, you did it for 5 weeks, and then you flaked out. What makes me think you’d be a good grandmother when you were an absolutely horrible mother? I don’t know… but I was hoping we had a chance at an adult relationship. I was hoping you’d see how delicious and irresistible my kids are. I was hoping you WANTED a second chance. Because that is what I was giving you, a SECOND CHANCE!

I accepted you, flaws and all. I never LIKED you, I accepted you. You were my mother, and I wanted a relationship with you. So I tried. I called. I made plans. I made an effort. You did as little as possible. You were more worried about yourself. You were out shopping with you 27-year-old friend, when instead, you could have been out shopping with your 27-year-old daughter. You were spending time with HER kid when you could have been spending time with YOUR grandkids. You’ve never liked me. It’s obvious. I just don’t understand why. I am your DAUGHTER!

Now, all this bull****. When’s the last time you saw my kids before you called social services? It was the day I came to your house on our way to the outdoor theatre. What about before that? You rarely saw my kids. You rarely saw me. Instead of calling me, asking me, coming over and seeing for yourself how I am, how my kids are, you listened to the exaggerating of a notorious gossiper and called social services. Because you thought you were being a good mother and grandmother?! I’d love to know exactly what was going through that simple little brain of yours the day you called the city of Wauwatosa.

The second thing I’d like you to know is what you did to my kids. Early on one Monday morning, a strange man came into my home and woke me and my kids up. This man told the 3 of us that he was here to do his job, to protect kids in bad homes and make sure that they were being taken care of. He asked us if we knew what happened when a man like him comes into a home and finds that kids are beaten, dirty or hungry. He proceeded to tell MY KIDS that if ME AND THEIR DAD weren’t taking care of them, he would TAKE THEM AWAY and put them in a BETTER HOME. He asked them if mom or dad ever left them home alone. You know what Maddy said?! She said, AND I QUOTE: “No, my mommy never leaves us alone. But my candy grandma does when she picks up Auntie Jackie from work. She thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” Wow, you hypocrite. You really are grandmother of the year.

After that man left, the kids were really confused. I was extremely upset, crying in fact. Jason came home from work and we all sat down at the dining room table to answer any questions that the kids may have. They did. They had a lot. We all cried and cried; all of our hearts were broken because someone we love tried to take them away from us. The kids were confused because they didn’t understand why someone in our family would try to have them taken away. The kids slept with us that night. The next day we had our weekly family counseling session. Obviously all we could talk about was what happened the previous day. We found out that the kids were afraid that someone might break into our home and steal them while they were sleeping. They slept with us for a week. We had to take them to every window in the house and show them that they were locked. We had to change the locks on all of our doors and to this day, they have to watch me when I close and lock all of the doors at night. I was going to a friend’s house the other night and the kids would not let me go because they were afraid I wouldn’t come back. Their Aunt Angie was in town and took them to the State Fair. They refused to go without me. After a half an hour of coaching and talking and the kids crying, they finally agreed to go if I wrote my phone number on their bellies and promised to drop them off at the front gate and pick them up; so that’s what I did. The following day, Angie was taking all of us to Balistreri’s for dinner; it’s the kids’ favorite restaurant. They wouldn’t go. Jason and Angie had to get the food To-Go and bring it home.

Before we were supposed to leave for dinner, I talked to you on the phone. During that conversation is when you so nonchalantly told me that you were the one who called social services. The ROAR that came out of me wasn’t human. You are lucky you told me over the phone because if you were standing in front of me, I would have killed you. I went a little crazy for a while. I don’t understand. You were the LAST person on my list of suspects. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have thought YOU of all people capable of such betrayal. Never did I think it was you because I never see you, never talk to you, I confide my parenting dilemmas in you and you never tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, once or twice you’ve even given me sound advice. I never thought it was you because you are too shallow to think very hard about anything but yourself and because you were the WORST mother I’ve EVER known! Who the hell are YOU to judge ME?!

So, now my kids won’t let me out of their site. They worry because they see me cry EVERY SINGLE DAY. They are confused about this entire mess AND they don’t know who they can trust! YOU, their CANDY GRANDMA, betrayed their trust and love! What you just did to these sweet, innocent kids they will remember for the rest of their lives! How are they supposed to trust anyone again? YOUR dysfunction has tainted my life and my kids’ lives for the LAST time. You know what Nick said about you?! Nick, my 8 year old little boy, said that you don’t like yourself very much, that’s why you are so mean to us. How insightful he can be. I asked them, and neither one of my kids ever want to see you again. Nick is happy he never has to see anyone from our family again, and Maddy is upset because she can’t see her poppa and great-grandma. I’ll deal with that in time, but YOU, she doesn’t want to see, not after what you’ve done to us.

If only you would have called and talked to me. I know why you didn’t. It isn’t because you can’t talk to me, it’s because when we have anything close to a civil and serious conversation you turn abruptly deaf. You can’t handle it. Otherwise, if I was so hard to talk to you could have written a letter, but again, that is too close for comfort isn’t it? It is too close to reflection and serious conversation and confrontation for you to deal with, isn’t it, mother?!

 

Don’t you see? Don’t you realize what happened? Grandma got caught for sneaking around with my kids in Cudahy. Jason and I talked about it, talked to the kids about it, the way she sneaks around, the way poppa drives, the kids don’t want to go anywhere with her anymore, so I told her she isn’t allowed to take them anymore. That happened a few days before you called social services. She must have been really pissed off because right after that, I was accused of leaving my kids alone.

The day she says I left them alone, Julie was on the front porch smoking and I told her that I was going for smokes and coffee. Everyone knows that the coffee shop and the gas station are right up the block from me. I was gone 10 (maybe 15) minutes. When I got home, I sat on the front porch and had a cigarette with Julie, then I came up the front steps and Poppa was in my house. Grandma was on the back porch. I went downstairs to see what she wanted, but my other friend Julie came over with her 4 kids and I was too busy to talk to grandma. Later, she just assumed and told everyone that I left the kids alone. Let me tell you something… Nick IS old enough to be left home alone… even Maddy is old enough to be left home alone for a few minutes, but I’d never allow it because I don’t trust them.

That is the last you’ll ever hear from me about my parenting and my children. I will never explain motives behind my actions to anyone ever again. It is none of your business. I just want you to know what you called social services for. My friend Julie saw and spoke with my neighbor Julie on the front porch. My other friend, De, was driving by and stopped to talk to my friend Julie and saw my neighbor Julie and she saw grandma. Amie was with me, so obviously she knew Julie was home… So there, mother, I have 4 people (Julie, Julie, De, and Amie) to prove to you that my children were NOT home alone. Like I said, you believed a notorious gossiper with an ulterior motive. Shame on you.

You know what I find interesting?! Maddy told me AND the social worker that “NO, mommy never leaves us alone, but my candy grandma does when she picks up auntie jack from work, she thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” And YOU, candy grandma, are the one that calls social services because you HEARD from a notorious gossiper that I left my kids alone. Wow. You really are a hypocrite. The reference from the bogus tip was that I leave my kids “unattended for short periods of time,” when YOU are the one that has left my kids alone; funny how I find out from my kids that you leave them alone and not from you or Jackie. Why is that?! Is it because you knew that I’d never let you have my kids alone again? Because you knew I’d never tolerate it. Or is it because you didn’t think it was a big deal?! Leaving my kids alone… and then that’s the reason you called social services on me. Really… WOW…

What else did I hear that you guys didn’t like? Oh, that (at 2 years old) Maddy was found at 5:30 in the morning by a neighbor playing outside in the backyard. Yeah, that sucked. How could I have prevented that? How could I know that something like that was going to happen? After all, she had to crawl out of her crib, open her bedroom door, unlock and open the back door in the kitchen and finally unlock and open the back door to get outside. That was quite a feat! So after that incident, I put a lock on her bedroom door to prevent it from happening again. But instead, you and grandma think I should have gotten up at 5:30 every morning. Ok, fine. But what’s to say that she wouldn’t get up and do it at 5:00 am, or 3 am?!

You don’t like the fact that the kids make themselves cereal every morning. Really?! Then why is it that I read in my “Mothering” magazine that I should put cereal, bowls, milk, etc on lower shelves so that they can get it themselves?!

Why was I in the bathtub at 4:00 in the afternoon? Because Jason just got home from work and the kids and I were gardening all day. It was the only chance I had to take an hour to myself and also because I knew that if I waited until the kids went to bed I would have fallen into bed myself instead of the bathtub. Every night, after the kids go to bed, I clean up a little so that I can actually clean without the kids making a mess behind me. Sometimes I stay up late to watch a movie without being interrupted. So the kids wake me up in the morning. I love it. They kiss me awake, sometimes they throw pillows and animals at me. Then I get up and spend every waking minute with them. I don’t shower or bathe in the mornings because I’d rather spend that time with them. I saw the opportunity at 4:00 in the afternoon (because Jason got home early from work) to take a bath. And I seized that rare moment so I could have an hour to myself to finally wash my hair, shave and read a book in peace. Nick cutting himself with a BUTTER KNIFE was an ACCIDENT that very well could have happened with me standing right next to him!

Why was Nick making himself a hot dog? Because it was a snack and that’s what he wanted; He’s 8 years old. He knows how to and is perfectly capable of making his own hot dogs. Where was everyone when I was Nick’s age and cut myself on a pickle jar?! Oh yeah, I was left home alone (watching Jackie and Ben, mind you) while you, grandma and poppa were at Derse!!!

Why is it that all of you question my ability as a mother? What’s ironic is that 5 years ago, when I really needed help, no one came around, no one was concerned. Yeah, 5 years ago I was severely, severely depressed. Remember?! I ended up in ICU because I was so depressed and so tired that I felt I had to end it. No one came over to help me. No one came over and asked what I needed. No one. Not you, not Jackie… instead, grandma came over and told my husband that I was having an affair… because she heard from a friend of a friend who heard from a friend.

You don’t like me. You don’t like the way I live. You don’t like my husband. You don’t like the way I raise my kids. Why? What is the problem? I know that I am a “raw” person. I am rough around the edges. A lot of people don’t like me. I’m fine with that. But the rest of it… you don’t like anything about me and my life, and I don’t understand. I am an adult, and I am a GREAT mother. Are you jealous? What is the problem with me? Are you disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be abusive like you? That I didn’t end up with a terrible husband like you have TWICE?! Are you terribly jealous because I turned out better than I should have and you can’t take any credit for it? Because I’m in school trying to better myself and become more for myself and my kids, because I’m smarter than you ever were and will ever be… because I’m not susceptible to any of the gossip and lies… What is it? Why, mother? WHY? You’ve always hated me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I want to know why. Even during my wedding festivities. You were never truly happy for me. Then when my children were born. Was it an act? Because you sure don’t like to spend time with them now. What a grandma you are. You’re still as selfish as you always were. And for some reason, you want me to fail. You subconsciously want me to fail at everything. Why? What kind of person are you? I finally think I know why you don’t like me. Is it because I remind you of your darkest hour; I remind you of all of the past that you so desperately want buried.

You have everyone convinced that you are simple and stupid and they all feel sorry for you. Well, you are simple and stupid. But I don’t feel sorry for you. You did it to yourself. I wish I could hurt you as much as you’ve hurt me; but you’ll do it to yourself. And then I hope that you spend eternity in hell, because that’s where you belong. You’ve destroyed so many things for so many people. You belong in hell.

If you pursue a civil suit, which I know you won’t because I’m sure you feel relieved that you don’t have to see us ever again, but just in case you do, I will sue you for negligence, slander, emotional suffering and for purely wasting my time. I will not agree to you ever seeing my kids again. I’ll be seeing you in court anyways because you owe me over $2,000.00 for the phone. Which makes me ask another question: Why do you feel I owe you ANYTHING?! YOU are the MOTHER; your job is to take care of ME, not the other way around. So why would you make me pay your phone bill all these years? And then give me and my husband a hard time when we ask you to pay your half. If it was just me and Jason on the phone, the bill would be less than $50.00 a month. But with you on it, it’s like $200.00 a month. I will be sending you a very detailed invoice. If the invoice is not paid in full 10 days after receipt, I will sue you in small claims. But you do the same thing to Jackie. WHY are WE responsible for YOU?! NEVER would I EVER ask my kids for money, ask them to pay a bill of mine, or EXPECT them to.

Another question: What did you think was going to happen when you called social services? What did you want to happen? What were you thinking? You weren’t. That’s the problem. You DON’T think. Did you honestly believe that social services were going to come into my home to find unfit, abusive, neglectful parents? What’s the matter with you? I guess the fact is that you don’t know anything about the way I parent because you are NEVER around to see it! If you honestly thought that social service’s job isn’t to take kids out of homes, then you are too STUPID and too dangerous to be around any of us. You wanted to “open my eyes,” to what?! I think you’ve sorely mistaken and tried to give the wrong person a reality check. And you can’t talk to me?! You’re the one that goes spontaneously DEAF every time a serious conversation comes up! You’ve got some nerve blaming this on me!

And you use what you did against me! “Amanda, if you have nothing to hide, what’s the big deal?” What’s the big deal?! CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WAS IN MY HOME!!! You don’t see what the big deal is?! And the fact is that CPS was IN my home because of my completely crazy, delusional and dysfunctional EXTENDED family. NOT because of something that I did or didn’t do. CPS coming into my home and asking my kids questions IS a BIG deal, it’s HUGE. The fact that it isn’t a big deal to you proves just how ****ed up you really are.

You know what CPS assessed about me and my kids?! He said I have beautiful, very well-adjusted children, a beautiful home and I am a GREAT mother. CPS is welcome into my home BECAUSE I have nothing to hide, but YOU thinking that my kids and I need CPS intervention, that CPS coming into my home isn’t anything to get angry about… YOU need SERIOUS help. I’ve never met anyone in my life that NEEDS more professional help than YOU.

The more I write and think, the more I realize I should have cut you out of my life a long time ago. Well, now you have no one to blame but yourself. You caused this mess… ALL of it, and now you have to live with the consequences. You will never see my children again. You will not see them grow, graduate, marry and become parents. You will not share in birthdays or holidays. You will not hear their sweet voices and funny stories or feel their bear hugs and butterfly kisses. You’ll never smell their sweet scents. I pity you. You just ruined it for yourself some of God’s greatest gifts. But you never cherished in the first place, so I guess it’s not that big a loss to you after all.

What you did seriously made me reflect and out of all, it made me realize what sick human beings I am dealing with here. I have heard a number of times that I am dealing with unhealthy people, and I finally realized it’s true! I told Jason that this was the worst year of my life. He made me realize that while it may be the HARDEST year of my life, it is in actuality the best because I am weeding out all of the bad, toxic ****. In the long run, it will make my life easier AND a lot BETTER.

That box of **** in your bedroom was very symbolic and healing to me. All of the shattered glass on top of all of the good memories was very representational of all the things you destroyed, everything I tried so hard to build. You shattered my dreams and hopes of you. You destroyed all of it, not me.

I’m certain that you could give two ****s about anyone but yourself, but just in case, I will tell you now… don’t play with me. You just proved to me that my children really are better without you in their lives. I try to be the best person and mother I can possibly be. I will exhaust every resource I have to in order to do that. My life revolves around my kids. Everything I am, everything I do and think is FOR THEM. You are dangerous to my kids. You are too unhealthy, unstable, ignorant and dysfunctional. They deserve better than you. You will not get anywhere near them again. I will be getting a restraining order. Do not try me. Do not show up at my home, the kids’ school, or anywhere else we will be. I will call the police if you do. Your threats, your lies, everything you are and say and do have thoroughly strengthened my position. You will never get near my kids again. You are no longer their grandmother nor are you my mother. You are dead to me. Dead. I am physically sick because of you. But not for long, and you will never make me feel this way again; you have made me feel this way too many times before. I regret letting you into my life when I had the option of shutting you out a long time ago. I regret subjecting my children to your nonsense. But I will never regret shutting you out of our lives. I’m done. I’m disgusted. I’m hurt. You are disgrace to motherhood and I hope that all of this hurts you HALF as much as you have hurt me over the last 28 years. You ****ed up your second and last chance with me.

 

 

SO, as you can see, a lot has happened in the past month. I am so confused about what to do. My grandma tried to get visitation of my kids, came over and called me shallow and hollow and how terrible a person and mother she thinks I am... She has said some really horrible things to me, and THEN after she found out that she has no rights, that me not letting her see my kids is a moral issue and not a legal one, she had my grandpa call and guilt trip me and beg me to let them see them. I don't know what to do about that, and I just sent my mother an invoice for over $2000.00 for what she still owes me and my husband for her phone line and told her that if i don't have the funds within the next 2 weeks, that I'd file small claims. Now my heart skips everytime I think about THAT and I know that i feel guilty about it. But I wonder if I should feel guilty. Should I have sent the money letter? Is what I'm feeling co-dependant? No matter what, I am done with her, I never want to see her again.

But my granparents; Should I let my grandparents see the kids? But they are so mean! But my heart aches at the prospect of never seeing them again and never letting my kids see them again. And why do I look like the bad guy?! I didn't do anything! I try to keep to myself as much as possible! Should I try talking to them about it? Or should I just let it be and let them see the kids for 30 mins once a month? Should I send a letter like this to my mother? HELP! Someone help me, and put me in check! My husband is great, but he doesn't really understand. I need an objective party. I will go to see a therapist again, but for now, I need to think, talk, just BE. Any questions/comments are welcome. Thanks for listening to my story.

[soconfused01]

But my granparents; Should I let my grandparents see the kids? But they are so mean!

 

 

there's your answer. you need to leave the your abusive family member behind you and focus on starting over with your current family and your kids. for god's sakes don't let 'mean' people around your kids! continue your conseling, while you sound like you're a good parent to your children, you do still have a lot of anger (understandable) from your past that could manifest in other ways later on. best of luck.

[Geishawhelk]

Listen:

Forget the letter.

 

FORGET THE LETTER.

 

Don't even think about sending it.

It will do diddly-squat.

 

You may have gotten it all off your chest, but I promise you, it will just add more fuel to the fire for them, and they will have the mother of all bean-feasts over it....

You've poured out your heart to these people and trust me, it will only give them more ammunition to strip you bare, whip you hard and hang you high.

 

You close the door, and you walk away.

The atmosphere is poisonous, and they are seriously abusive.

Make yourself as unavailable and uncontactable as possible, and do not expose your children to such a toxic venomous, vitriolic environment.

You wouldn't open the kitchen drawer and let them play with sharp knives, or matches and gasoline, would you?

So why expose them to such a potentially harmful experience?

 

Keep well away from them, and bring up your kids with confidence, love, security and dignity.

And go to see a counsellor, show them the letter, and begin letting go and healing.

[Eve]

I am glad that you have put all your feelings on paper. Personally I would advise you to now burn the letter and begin afresh but I understand that this may not be all that easy. I say this because you live too closely to your family members for anything good to come out of sending the letter. If you were leaving the area for good... maybe this letter could be a final goodbye to your past. Or if you did not have any decisions to make which were somehow linked to the past, which your Grand Parents resoundingly are - in fact it sounds as though this is a case of transgenerational abuse.

 

Clearly you do not want to continue with this cycle and I do believe that the cycle is going to end with you once you believe in your own intuitions, but you still seem very fragile sweetheart. I hear that it is your childrens safety and long-term well being which you are fighting for but I would say that you need to fight for yourself too. I have been in foster care so I understand why you feel this way in MANY respects. You do show exceptional signs that you have developed authentic behaviours beyond that of your early circumstances and .. I really think you have a lot of likeability about you. I bet your children are absolutely adorable! I wish I could heal everything for you but really I would say that it would be good to focus on something I sense to be relevant here. Mainly this is that your Grand Parents like your children because they are innocent. I am concerned that the real attraction that your Grand Parents have with regard to your babies is that they can take them here and there whilst carrying on with whatever they are doing. I side entirely with your assessment that their ability to nurture your children is severely impeded because of their poor track record coupled with their present behaviours.

 

Give yourself permission to listen to yourself!! Please, please, please dont wait for any of them to help you with this.. That should have happened many moons ago and they failed miserably.. well, they actually failed criminally because they have abused you.

 

*HUGS*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

P.s I dont know how much reading you enjoy but I would strongly advise a book named, 'The gift of fear. Survival signals which protect us' by Gavin De Becker. I am suggesting this book to you and to anyone facing the quandry of whether they should follow their intuition regarding the many faces of violence.

 

I hope that my book suggestion helps - rivetting stuff.

[caramel drops]

I believe in second chances. And I believe there is good in everybody, no matter how blurry the filters seem to be at times. But reading over this, darling, you don't deserve any of it and the problem is that it keeps coming back to you because you keep LETTING it come back to you.

 

I have an abusive mother too (verbally and physically). I wouldn't say she's as bad as yours but man does she have her days. I honestly think she has mental instabilities that make her that way but she is EVIL. In that respect, I know what you're going through. And even though I'm still relatively young (21) and haven't gone through as HALF as much as you have concerning family (since I tend to stay away from it), I recently decided that I refuse to let her try to run my life because she is extremely selfish and I am well aware of it. Sure, I have forgiven her on some level but she has been like that all of her life and I don't see it letting up anytime soon. In your case, the cycle will NEVER end unless you do away with it completely.

 

I agree with the previous replies: LET IT GO. Don't send the letter, forget about the invoice, don't bother filing claims. GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE. Because the bottom line is that even though you want to have your grandparents in your kids life, didn't you say your grandmother is one who tipped off the lies about leaving your kids alone? (unless I read it wrong, lol) End of story. As long as you stay around the negativity in any shape or form, it's just going to keep coming back at you time and time again, even though you don't deserve it. I say start making plans to maybe get away and start anew. I'm not akin to your financial situation but if I were you and I had the means to leave, I would. If not, cut all ties until you can. Don't associate with them at all because your children don't deserve to be exposed to that kind of nonsense and I'm sorry, but thats a low blow if CPS came to pick up your kids based on a LIE.

 

I don't know what you're going through right now since I haven't been that deep in mess before but I am sure it's so hard to let it go but you have to try. Move on, sweetie. I promise you that you file claims or whatever else, the bullsh*t is just gonna get thicker.

[openspaces]

I would agree with other posters - that you should break all contact with your parents and grandparents. Not only for your kids wellbeing but for your own too. It sounds as if your grandparents are just as evil as you parents. Plus your grandmother sounds connected to your mum so if you don't cut her out of your life to it might be difficult to move on. My personal feeling is that abuse is passed down through the generations so perhaps your grandmother isn't blameless. I know that my granny was involved in most of my happy memories but she passed on some bad s***. And she sure didn't give my dad a good childhood.

 

I have recently cut my abusive (emotional and physical) parents out of my life and for the first time in my life I feel truly free! I have found it hard not because I have regretted it but because it has brought back some hard memories. My child was the same he didn't like his granny, I think that children are good judges. I was lucky enough to have recently moved country so from being in the same small town as my parents I am now on a different continent. She was staying in my house when I told her that I didn't want contact at first she was angry and aggressive and then non- comprehrenive about why I did it. And lastly she was crying trying to change my mind. It was like watching a writhing snake in death throes. It made me realise that all she was a bully!! Once she was confronted she was just a pitifal woman. But I still had dreams a month after that my mum was trying to kill me.

She hasn't contacted me and I hope she and my dad never do!

I am in the process of writing my parents a letter and I intend to burn mine. I suggest you do too. I know my parents are the kings of denial and if I sent it they would use it to hurt me with. What would your mum do with your raw thoughts?

 

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all this in your life and I hope you can release your understandable anger to be better able to move on with your life. What ever way you decide.

 

Take care and good luck

[Mad Hatter]

I also have an abusive mother. It is absolutely necessary to cut ties with them to have a peaceful life. My mother has borderline personality disorder. You may want to check it out and see if the description fits your mom as well (from your post it seems to me it does.) When you have the validation that it is really not you with the problem, it is much easier to let go of.

[jmargel]

I read your letter and my heart goes out to you and your family. If I can share some experiences with you, it might help you some. My ex-fiancee was abused by her mom, and she often tried to patch things up with her mom, however in the long run it didn't work. This abuse she endured was later put on me, by her.

 

My wife (different woman) was neglected by her father. Long story short, he wanted to spend time with her after we got married, only because he had other motives. Her treatment towards me now is due to the abuse she received. I have disowned her father's side of the family. Three years ago (after he assaulted me) I told her that I will no longer have anything to do with that side. This is the only way peace was brought about. She goes over there, however I still see the same pattern of behavior by them.

 

The thing is, the abusive people have to WANT to change. Since they don't, nothing you say or do will help. The letter? If you send it, don't expect anything good to come from it, in regards to making your mom 'see the light'. She won't. Sometimes, people are too far gone to get back. Your mom has to approach you and apologize and want to goto counseling for herself, but as you probably know there's not a good chance of that happening.

 

Though she has hurt you and it's wrong, the things she did to you were not 'because of you'. She's sick and needs help. This sickness in her is the reason why the letter won't do much good for you. She will twist it to make it seem like you are the bad person.

 

I look upto you and give you so much credit that you could pull your life out of that vicious cycle that often happens. Abused often become abusers, but you were strong enough to recognize this and turn it into something positive. The best thing you can do for your family and to show you mom how much she is missing, is to continue to look forward to positive things with you and your children.

 

We know you are hurting and it's not fair. Know though, that you are not alone.