Dysfunctional mother has done it again, & I'm 27!

[flower_fairy11]

Hi! I need some help with this. I am a married woman with 2 beautiful children. I was severely abused as a child by my mother (Physical/emotional/mental/verbal). She was cruel. I got over it. When I was 14 I moved in with my grandparents. I kept a relationship going with my mother. I called her, she did not call me. When I had kids, I wanted my mom. (Don't ask me why) but she was never what I wanted her to be. She is very selfish. The following is a letter that I am in the process of writing to her. Recently, a lot has changed for me. My family is fairly close, we talk a lot, but never of the REAL issues. My grandma is a HUGE exaggurator/gossiper. My mom and I do not have a very good relationship. We barely ever see each other, let alone talk. Recently my husband and I decided that it isn't a good idea for my grandparents to take our kids swimming, which they occationally do, anymore. They are getting too old to drive, let alone with the kids in the car, and they sneak around with them to my aunt's house (whom I do not want my kids around because she is VERY, VERY racist, judgemental and completely ignorant.) The kids tell us that grandma and grandpa take them swimming and don't watch them and take them to my aunt's afterwards. So I told her that she can come here to spend time with the kids or we can meet at a park or out for lunch. Please read my letter to my mother, and you can see what happens next:

 

I am trying to understand what just happened. What I realize is this is partially my fault for 2 reasons. First, for the last 9 years that I have been an adult, 8 of them a mother, I have let grandma gossip, exaggerate and fabricate about my life to others and I have done nothing to stop her. I don’t care what people say or think about me, but I thought you knew better than to believe her. I gave my “family” more credit than they deserve. Jackie said something insightful about grandma, she said “If all you hear growing up is that you’re a bad person, you’ll grow up believing that you’re nothing.” Bingo. If all you hear from grandma is a bunch of negative things about me and my parenting, then I guess you’ll eventually believe it. My fault is letting it get out of hand without any consequence.

 

Secondly, I never should have pursued a relationship with you. But you are my mother, so who can blame me? After all of the abuse and neglect I have been subjected to by your hand, what makes me think you’d change? What made me think you’d be a good grandmother?

 

I don’t think you realize what you’ve done. That is why I am writing this to you; so you can understand exactly what you did to me and why I am so upset. First of all, what you did made me remember all of the painful memories that I desperately want to forget; we’ll start there:

 

I don't think you ever wanted me, or you ever liked me. That was evident from the physical, mental and emotional abuse you subjected me to. Remember the wooden spoon you broke on my back? I do. Then you switched to the metal one. So you could hit me as hard as you could without hurting yourself. You were cruel to me. You would lock me in the attic at the mere age of five. How could you do that to a child? I could never imagine and I have kids! I have cried and cried at the thought of someone doing that to my beautiful children! Let alone me doing it to them, their mother, the one that they love and trust… the thought is completely inconceivable. Grandma seems to think that I am making all of this up, that I am a liar; that because of the physical abuse I saw my father do to you, I thought it was me. Well, you and I know better, don’t we, mother? It was documented when I was 10 years old that I had a black and blue body and face, all because of you.

 

And dad… What the hell?! I think you LIKED the drama, games and getting beat by him. How could a MOTHER allow someone like that into her home?! And then blame ME for all of it! Then wondering what was wrong with ME when I was 14 and never came home… And you know what else?! I really liked the juvenile shelter I was put into. Isn’t that sad?! I liked the shelter more than being at my home. I was finally safe. I could sleep peacefully throughout the night. And there was structure, reward, praise… love. I loved sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing with all of the counselors and kids while eating. Then afterwards we’d all clean up together. That is why I am so adamant about my family eating dinner together every night. I got a taste of that life and knew that I wanted that for my kids. What kind of mother would move her kids from a beautiful neighborhood across the street from a park, into an apartment above a BAR on 16th and Lincoln that is crawling with cockroaches and there is no grass for her kids to play!?! Let alone the neighborhood and location of the apartment. Even if there was grass, we wouldn’t have been able to play outside. What kind of mother would do something like that? I think it was a really sick game you were playing with my alcoholic father, and we three kids were caught in the middle.

 

You have 3 children. One that you lost when she was 14 years old, the other when she was 16, and your son you lost when he was 16. I can honestly say that the 3 of us would have been better off in the system, growing up in foster homes. The abuse you heaped on us is unimaginable to others. Yet you did it… to me, and sometimes to Jackie. I don’t remember you hitting Ben like that, but you did enough damage to him in other ways, like choosing your alcoholic, drug addicted, physically and emotionally abusive SECOND husband over your own son. We all know how well that turned out. He’s the smartest one out of the 3 of us… he’s staying as far away as he can from all of this dysfunction. And poor Jackie; you support her mutilating herself?! She confided in me one night… Don’t you realize what she is doing to her poor body?! All of those piercings is a cry for HELP! She told me that she does it for the pain… just like a “cutter,” she does it because the physical pain of the piercings helps “relieve” the emotional pain inside. And yes, mother, it IS YOUR FAULT. Jackie is a very sick woman, and it is entirely your fault.

 

So, back to when I was 14, I left the shelter and moved in with grandma and poppa. Best thing that ever happened to me. Then Jackie moved in when she was 16. You never sent money. You never called. I remember you coming into West Bend after a 6 hour drive from Hudson and never even thought to come the extra ½ hour to visit your daughters that you never see. I held 2 jobs while in high school so I could support Jackie and myself. I am the one that bought her dresses for dances, gave her an allowance and took her back-to-school shopping. I am the one that paid for her senior pictures and bought her yearbooks, paid for her fieldtrips. ME, NOT YOU. That was a huge burden for a 17/18 year old to take on. I couldn’t be a normal, selfish 18-year-old because I already had a child to take care of… JACKIE! What kind of mother would purposely MISS her daughters’ proms, dates, first jobs?! THEN, when I was 20 and had 2 babies of my own to take care of, I had to take in your 16 year old son. After all of the damage you already caused him, he couldn’t adjust to a normal family home. Thanks for that. I was happy with my own little family, enjoying being a wife and mother to a 2 year old and newborn baby, but all of your demons followed me. Your dysfunction tainted my home, AGAIN.

 

I let go of all this years ago. I forgave you. I tried to understand, but then I let it go. It was a long time ago. When I was 14, I should never have pursued a relationship with you. You and I both know that if it wasn’t for me, we would never have had one. I should have kept it as that. But when I had my children, I wanted my mom, I wanted more than what you had any right to. I wanted my “idea” of what you should be and never were. Over the years, you’ve proved to me that you deserve none of this. Last semester, I asked you to watch the kids for an hour on Thursdays, you did it for 5 weeks and then you flaked out. What makes me think you’d be a good grandmother when you were an absolutely horrible mother? I don’t know… but I was hoping we had a chance at an adult relationship. I was hoping you’d see how delicious and irresistible my kids are. I was hoping you WANTED a second chance; because that’s what I was giving you, a SECOND CHANCE!

 

I accepted you, flaws and all. I never LIKED you, I accepted you. You were my mother, and I wanted a relationship with you. So I tried. I called. I made plans. I made an effort. You did as little as possible. You were more worried about yourself. You were out shopping with you 27-year-old friend when, instead, you could have been out shopping with your 27-year-old daughter. You were spending time with HER kid when you could have been spending time with YOUR grandkids. You’ve never liked me. It’s obvious. I just don’t understand why. I am your DAUGHTER!

 

When’s the last time you saw my kids before you called social services? It was the day I came to your house on our way to the outdoor theatre. What about before that? You rarely saw my kids. You rarely saw me. Instead of calling me, asking me, coming over and seeing for yourself how I am, how my kids are, you listened to the exaggerating of a notorious gossiper and called social services.

 

The second thing I’d like you to know is what you did to my kids. Early one Monday morning, a strange man came into my home and woke me and my kids up. This man told the 3 of us that he was here to do his job, to protect kids in bad homes and make sure that they were being taken care of. He asked us if we knew what happened when a man like him comes into a home and finds that kids are beaten, dirty or hungry. He proceeded to tell MY KIDS that if ME AND THEIR DAD weren’t taking care of them, he would TAKE THEM AWAY and put them in a BETTER HOME. He asked them if mom or dad ever left them home alone. You know what Maddy said?! She said, AND I QUOTE: “No, my mommy never leaves us alone. But my candy grandma does when she picks up Auntie Jackie from work. She thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” Wow, you hypocrite. You really are grandmother of the year.

After that man left, the kids were really confused. I was extremely upset, crying in fact. Jason came home from work and we all sat down at the dining room table to answer any questions that the kids may have. They did. They had a lot. We all cried and cried; all of our hearts were broken because someone we love tried to take them away from us. The kids were confused because they didn’t understand why someone in our family would try to have them taken away. The kids slept with us that night. The next day we had our weekly family counseling session. Obviously all we could talk about was what happened the previous day. We found out that the kids were afraid that someone might break into our home and steal them while they were sleeping. They slept with us for a week. We had to take them to every window in the house and show them that they were locked. We had to change the locks on all of our doors and to this day, they have to watch me when I close and lock all of the doors at night. I was going to a friend’s house the other night and the kids would not let me go because they were afraid I wouldn’t come back. Their Aunt Angie was in town and took them to the State Fair. They refused to go without me. After a half an hour of coaching and talking and the kids crying, they finally agreed to go if I wrote my phone number on their bellies and promised to drop them off at the front gate and pick them up; so that’s what I did. The following day, Angie was taking all of us to Balistreri’s for dinner; it’s the kids’ favorite restaurant. They wouldn’t go. Jason and Angie had to get the food To-Go and bring it home.

 

Before we were supposed to leave for dinner, I talked to you on the phone. During that conversation is when you so nonchalantly told me that you were the one who called social services. The ROAR that came out of me wasn’t human. You are lucky you told me over the phone because if you were standing in front of me, I would have killed you. I went a little crazy for a while. I don’t understand. You were the LAST person on my list of suspects. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have thought YOU of all people capable of such betrayal. Never did I think it was you because I never see you, never talk to you, I confide my parenting dilemmas in you and you never tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, once or twice you’ve even given me sound advice. I never thought it was you because I KNOW you are too shallow to think very hard about anything but yourself and because you were the WORST mother I’ve EVER known! Who are YOU to judge ME?!

 

So, now, my kids won’t let me out of their site. They worry because they see me cry EVERY SINGLE DAY. They are confused about this entire mess AND they don’t know who they can trust! YOU, their CANDY GRANDMA, betrayed their trust and love! What you just did to these sweet, innocent kids they will remember for the rest of their lives! How are they supposed to trust anyone again? YOUR dysfunction has tainted my life and my kids’ lives for the LAST time. You know what Nick said about you?! Nick, my 8 year old little boy, said that you and great-grandma don’t like yourselves very much, that’s why you are so mean to us. How insightful he can be. I asked them, and neither one of my kids ever want to see you again. Nick is happy he never has to see anyone from our family again, and Maddy is upset because she can’t see her poppa and great-grandma. I’ll deal with that in time, but YOU, she doesn’t want to see, not after what you’ve done to us.

 

If only you would have called and talked to me. I think I know why you didn’t. I don’t think it’s because you can’t talk to me, it’s because when we have anything close to a civil and serious conversation you turn abruptly deaf. I don’t think you can handle it. Otherwise, if I was so hard to talk to you could have written a letter, but again, that is too close for comfort isn’t it? It is too close to self-reflection, serious conversation and confrontation for you to deal with, isn’t it, mother?!

 

Don’t you see? Don’t you realize what happened? Grandma got caught for sneaking around with my kids in Cudahy. Jason and I talked about it, talked to the kids about it, the way she sneaks around, the way poppa drives, the kids don’t want to go anywhere with her anymore, so I told her she isn’t allowed to take them anymore. That happened a few days before you called social services. She must have been really mad because right after that, I was accused of leaving my kids alone.

 

The day she says I left them alone, Julie was on the front porch smoking and I told her that I was going for smokes and coffee. Everyone knows that the coffee shop and the gas station are right up the block from me. I was gone 10 (maybe 15) minutes. When I got home, I came up the front steps and Poppa was in my house. Grandma was on the back porch. I went downstairs to see what she wanted, but my other friend Julie came over with her 4 kids and I was too busy to talk to grandma. She just assumed and told everyone that I left the kids alone. Let me tell you something… Nick IS old enough to be left home alone… even Maddy is old enough to be left home alone for a few minutes, but I’d never allow it; I don’t trust them.

 

You know what I find interesting?! Maddy told me AND the social worker that “NO, mommy never leaves us alone, but my candy grandma does when she picks up auntie jack from work, she thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” And YOU, candy grandma, are the one that calls social services because you HEARD from a notorious gossiper that I left my kids alone. Wow. You really are a hypocrite. The reference from the bogus “tip” to social services was that I leave my kids “unattended for short periods of time,” when YOU are the one that has left my kids alone; funny how I find out from my kids that you leave them alone and not from you or Jackie. Why is that?! Is it because you knew that I’d never let you have my kids alone again? Because you knew I’d never tolerate it. Or is it because you didn’t think it was a big deal?! You left my kids alone… and then that’s the reason you called social services on me. Really… WOW…

 

What else did I hear that you guys didn’t like? Oh, that (at 2 years old) Maddy was found at 5:30 in the morning by a neighbor playing outside in the backyard. Yeah, that sucked. How could I have prevented that? How could I know that something like that was going to happen? After all, she had to crawl out of her crib, open her bedroom door, unlock and open the back door in the kitchen and finally unlock and open the back door to get outside. That was quite a feat! So after that incident, I put a lock on her bedroom door to prevent it from happening again. But instead, you and grandma think I should have gotten up at 5:30 every morning. Ok, fine. But what’s to say that she wouldn’t get up and do it at 5:00 am, or 3 am?!

 

You don’t like the fact that the kids make themselves cereal every morning. Really?! Then why is it that I read in my “Mothering” magazine that I should put cereal, bowls, milk, etc on lower shelves so that they can get it themselves?!

 

Why was I in the bathtub at 4:00 in the afternoon? Because Jason just got home from work and the kids and I were gardening all day. It was the only chance I had to take an hour to myself and also because I knew that if I waited until the kids went to bed I would have fallen into bed myself instead of the bathtub. Every night, after the kids go to bed, I stay up and clean up the house a little so that I can actually clean without the kids making a mess behind me. Sometimes I stay up late to watch a movie without being interrupted. The kids wake me up in the morning. I love it. They kiss me awake, sometimes they throw pillows and animals at me. Then I get up and spend every waking minute with them. I don’t shower or bathe in the mornings because I’d rather spend that time with them. I saw the opportunity at 4:00 in the afternoon (because Jason got home early from work) to take a bath. And I seized that rare moment so I could have an hour to myself to finally wash my hair, shave and read a book in peace. Nick cutting himself with a BUTTER KNIFE was an ACCIDENT that very well could have happened with me standing right next to him!

 

Why was Nick making himself a hot dog? Because it was a snack and that’s what he wanted; He’s 8 years old, he knows how to and is perfectly capable of making his own hot dogs. Where was everyone when I was Nick’s age and cut myself on a pickle jar?! Oh yeah, I was left home alone (watching Jackie and Ben, mind you) while you, grandma and poppa were at Derse!!!

 

That is the last you’ll ever hear from me about my parenting and my children. I will never explain motives behind my actions to anyone ever again. It is none of your business. I just want you to know what you called social services for. I want to reiterate the fact that I have 4 witnesses that will tell you that I did NOT leave my kids home alone. My friend Julie saw and spoke with my neighbor Julie on the front porch. My other friend, De, was driving by and stopped to talk to my friend Julie and saw my neighbor Julie. Amie was with me, so obviously she knew Julie was home… So there, mother, I have 4 people (Julie, Julie, De, and Amie) to prove to you that my children were NOT home alone. Like I said, you believed a notorious gossiper with an ulterior motive; Shame on you.

 

Why is it that all of you question my ability as a mother? What’s ironic is that 5 years ago, when I really needed help, no one came around, no one was concerned. 5 years ago I was severely, severely depressed. Remember?! I ended up in ICU because I was so depressed and so tired that I felt I had to end it. No one came over to help me. No one came over and asked what I needed. No one; not you, not Jackie, not grandma…

 

I don’t think you like me. I don’t think you like the way I live. I don’t think you like my husband. I don’t think you like the way I raise my kids. In fact, I don’t think you even like my kids! Why? What is the problem? I know that I am a “raw” person. I am rough around the edges. A lot of people don’t like me. I’m fine with that. But the rest of it… you don’t like anything about me and my life, and I don’t understand. I am an adult, and I am a GREAT mother. Are you jealous? What is the problem with me? Are you disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be abusive like you? That I didn’t end up with a terrible husband like you have TWICE?! Are you terribly jealous because I turned out better than I should have and you can’t take any credit for it? Is it because I’m in school trying to better myself and become more for myself and my kids? Is it because I’m not susceptible to any of the gossip and lies… What is it? Why, mother? WHY? I think you’ve always hated me. I think, in your eyes, nothing I do is ever good enough. I want to know why. Even during my wedding festivities. It was obvious to me that you were never truly happy for me. Then when my children were born, was it an act? You sure don’t like to spend time with them now. What a grandma you are. I think you are still as selfish as you always were. And for some reason, I think you want me to fail. I think you subconsciously want me to fail at everything. Why? What kind of person are you? I finally think I know why you don’t like me. Is it because I remind you of your darkest hour? Do I remind you of all of the past that you so desperately want buried?

 

I wish I could hurt you as much as you’ve hurt me; but you’ll do it to yourself. And then I hope that you spend eternity in hell, because that’s where you belong. You’ve destroyed so many things for so many people. You belong in hell.

 

If you pursue a civil suit, which I know you won’t because I’m sure you feel relieved that you don’t have to see us ever again, but just in case you do, I will sue you for negligence, slander, emotional suffering and for purely wasting my time. I will not agree to you ever seeing my kids again. I’ll be seeing you in court anyways because you owe me over $2,000.00 for the phone. Which makes me ask another question: Why do you feel I owe you ANYTHING?! YOU are the MOTHER; your job is to take care of ME, not the other way around. So why would you make me pay your phone bill all these years? And then give me and my husband a hard time when we ask you to pay your half. And you do the same thing to Jackie. WHY are WE responsible for YOU? NEVER would I EVER ask my kids for money, ask them to pay a bill of mine, or EXPECT them to.

 

Another question: What did you think was going to happen when you called social services? What did you want to happen? What were you thinking? Did you honestly believe that social services were going to come into my home to find unfit, abusive, neglectful parents? What’s the matter with you? I guess the fact is that you don’t know anything about the way I parent because you are NEVER around to see it! If you honestly thought that social service’s job isn’t to take kids out of homes, then you are too STUPID and too dangerous to be around any of us. You wanted to “open my eyes,” to what?! I think you’ve sorely mistaken and tried to give the wrong person a reality check. And you can’t talk to me?! You’re the one that goes spontaneously DEAF every time a serious conversation comes up! You’ve got some nerve blaming this on me!

 

And you use what you did against me! “Amanda, if you have nothing to hide, what’s the big deal?” What’s the big deal?! CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WAS IN MY HOME!!! You don’t see what the big deal is?! And the fact is that CPS was IN my home because of my completely crazy, delusional and dysfunctional EXTENDED family. NOT because of something that I actually did or didn’t do. CPS coming into my home and asking my kids questions IS a BIG deal, it’s HUGE. The fact that it isn’t a big deal to you proves just how sick up you really are.

 

You know what CPS assessed about me and my kids?! He said I have beautiful, very well-adjusted children, a beautiful home and I am a GREAT mother. CPS is welcome into my home BECAUSE I have nothing to hide, but YOU thinking that my kids and I need CPS intervention, that CPS coming into my home isn’t anything to get angry about… YOU need SERIOUS help. I’ve never met anyone in my life that NEEDS more intervention or professional help than YOU.

 

The more I write and think, the more I realize I should have cut you out of my life a long time ago. Well, now you have no one to blame but yourself. You caused this mess… ALL of it, and now you have to live with the consequences. You will never see my children again. You will not see them grow, graduate, marry and become parents. You will not share in birthdays or holidays. You will not hear their sweet voices and funny stories or feel their bear hugs and butterfly kisses. You’ll never smell their sweet scents. I pity you. You just ruined it for yourself some of God’s greatest gifts. But you never cherished in the first place, so I guess it’s not that big a loss to you after all.

 

What you did seriously made me reflect and out of all, it made me realize what sick human beings I am dealing with here. I have heard a number of times that I am dealing with unhealthy people, and I finally realized it’s true! I told Jason that this was the worst year of my life. He made me realize that while it may be the HARDEST year of my life, it is in actuality the best because I am weeding out all of the bad, toxic people. In the long run, it will make my life easier AND a lot BETTER.

 

That box in your bedroom, full of everything you ever gave me, was very symbolic and healing to me. All of the shattered glass on top of all of the good memories and gifts was very representational of all the things you destroyed, everything I tried so hard to build. You shattered my dreams and hopes of you. You destroyed all of it, not me.

 

I’m certain that you don’t care about anyone but yourself, but just in case, I will tell you now… don’t play with me. You just proved to me that my children really are better without you in their lives. I try to be the best person and mother I can possibly be. I will exhaust every resource I have to in order to do that. My life revolves around my kids. Everything I am, everything I do and think is FOR THEM. You are dangerous to my kids. You are too unhealthy, unstable, ignorant and dysfunctional. They deserve better than you. You will not get anywhere near them again. I will be getting a restraining order. Do not try me. Do not show up at my home, the kids’ school, or anywhere else we will be. I will call the police if you do. Your threats, your lies, everything you are and say and do have thoroughly strengthened my position. You will never get near my kids again. You are no longer their grandmother nor are you my mother. You are dead to me. Dead. I am physically sick because of you. But not for long, and you will never make me feel this way again; you have made me feel this way too many times before. I regret letting you into my life when I had the option of shutting you out a long time ago. I regret subjecting my children to your nonsense. But I will never regret shutting you out of our lives. I’m done. I’m disgusted. I’m hurt. You are disgrace to motherhood and I hope that all of this hurts you HALF as much as you have hurt me over the last 28 years. You screwed up your second and last chance with me.

 

 

SO, as you can see, a lot has happened in the past month. I am so confused about what to do. My grandma tried to get visitation of my kids, came over and called me shallow and hollow and how terrible a person and mother she thinks I am... She has said some really horrible things to me, and THEN after she found out that she has no rights, that me not letting her see my kids is a moral issue and not a legal one, she had my grandpa call and guilt trip me and beg me to let them see them. I don't know what to do about that, and I just sent my mother an invoice for over $2000.00 for what she still owes me and my husband for her phone line and told her that if i don't have the funds within the next 2 weeks, that I'd file small claims. Now my heart skips everytime I think about THAT and I know that i feel guilty about it. But I wonder if I should feel guilty. Should I have sent the money letter? Is what I'm feeling co-dependant? No matter what, I am done with her, I never want to see her again.

But my granparents; Should I let my grandparents see the kids? But they are so mean! But my heart aches at the prospect of never seeing them again and never letting my kids see them again. And why do I look like the bad guy?! I didn't do anything! I try to keep to myself as much as possible! Should I try talking to them about it? Or should I just let it be and let them see the kids for 30 mins once a month? Should I send a letter like this to my mother? HELP! Someone help me, and put me in check! My husband is great, but he doesn't really understand. I need an objective party. I will go to see a therapist again, but for now, I need to think, talk, just BE. Any questions/comments are welcome. Thanks for listening to my story.

[Ronni_W]

(((hugs))) I'm sorry for you horrible childhood experiences. Every child deserves to be loved, respected and cherished, and made to feel special. You deserved MUCH better from your adults, than what they were capable of giving you.

 

I didn't read your entire post. But can I ask what is your purpose for sending such a letter? What do you REALLY want/hope to happen, if you send it? And, do you truly believe that there is a reasonable and realistic chance of such a letter actually bringing you the results you are desiring?

[flower_fairy11]

Well, my mother really hurt me and my kids recently. It brought up a lot of the past in my mind. I want her to know what she did and i want her to know why I never want to see her again. I want to hurt her just a fraction as much asshe hurt me, if it's possible. Do you think I shouldn't send it?

[Moose]

Well, my mother really hurt me and my kids recently. It brought up a lot of the past in my mind. I want her to know what she did and i want her to know why I never want to see her again. I want to hurt her just a fraction as much asshe hurt me, if it's possible. Do you think I shouldn't send it?

Personally, NO!

 

You need to forget about the past, and you go on with your life. Use your experiences to guide you as to how to treat your children.

 

Think about it, what can you do about the things that have already happened? ABSOLUTELY Nothing! Why bring this all up again and add more to this flame? When you wrote, "I think you LIKED all the drama"....one might wonder if this is an inherited trait?

 

Don't you think your Mother has enough turmoil in her life? I know she doesn't show it emotionally, well she does, just not in the right way.....she knows how, when and where she's screwed up and she's miserable for it....she takes it out on the wrong people, but that's just because she won't publicly admit she was wrong....everyone else is out to get her.....see where I'm going with this?

 

You should feel sorry for her and go about your business. If you don't like the situation you're in, get out and away from it and build a LIFE of your own. Begin a new Legacy with YOUR family and move on.....

 

Just my .02.....

[Ronni_W]

I want to hurt her just a fraction as much asshe hurt me, if it's possible. Do you think I shouldn't send it?

Yes, I think you should NOT send it.

The thing is, are YOU a hurtful person? Or, do you want to become a hurtful person?

 

I would instead suggest that you undertake personal therapy and/or self-help to come to terms with your prior experiences, so that you can ultimately transform your pain into strengths and lessons learned. You will definitely become a more effective parent, partner and person in the process.

 

I do understand the need to confront one's abuser. But your mother doesn't appear to feel remorseful...so your words will fall on deaf ears, and your hurt on a closed heart. And that will only cause you even more frustration, anger and pain.

 

Which is why it may be wise to just act according to who you truly are -- loving, compassionate, strong. And not stoop down to her level of hurting others because she didn't have any better coping skills and didn't know how to show love and compassion. From your post, that is not you.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I don't know if I'd send that exact letter. Maybe it is a good rough draft to start from. However, I find that when people hurt me and I can't deal with it, I write letters too. It helps a lot. It is a form of therapy. I wrote and sent a letter with the same undertones as yours to my biological father about 2 years ago. I didn't have near as much hurt as you do, however, the hurt I was feeling and had felt for my entire life poured out of me as i wrote that letter. I didn't send my first draft because it was entirely too mean and out of character for myself, as I don't really like to be so hurtful. The second draft I wrote had the same tone and message, yet it was not quite as spiteful and cutting. It got my point across but it did not make me stoop to his level. Nonetheless, I sent the letter.

 

While it may seem silly or stupid, the actual act of writing the letter, putting the stamp on it, and putting it in the mailbox was so freeing to me. I felt like I was freed from all the hurt that I had been subjected to. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like I could move past that hurt and the roadblock it put in my heart. Everything I felt I wanted to say to him but couldn't face to face, was let go in that letter. And I felt SOOO much better. It was like I was a slave to those feelings for so long, that when I put it in the mailbox to be sent, I felt like I had freed my heart.

 

No one that hasn't been in a situation like yours could possibly understand. I think you should send a letter similar to the one you posted. Perhaps go through and change it a bit. This is a letter about your feelings. She knows what she did in the past. No one can ever escape their past or their mistakes, so I'm sure she is well aware of the actions she did. I don't think rehashing the details of her actions is going to be productive...I could see that putting her on the defense and making the situation worse. Explaining your feelings and hurt is different. You have a right to make it known to those who hurt you that they hurt you, IMO. You also have a right to cut certain people out of your life. People have to earn a spot in your life...if they keep screwing up and hurting you, why should you keep them around, regardless who they are?

 

As far as letting any of your "disfunctional" family see your children, I am on the same page as you. I wouldn't go there either. Obviously it has already been damaging to your children. I would not allow your mother to have any contact with any part of your life or your children's life. You have that right...you are their mother and it is your job to protect them. Do not feel bad. As far as your grandparents, I think not allowing them to see the children is a little over the top. I think they should be allowed perhaps to come to your house to see the children while you are there...not alone. If they are talking shxt about you to your mother, can you imagine what they say to or in front of your kids about you?

 

I think you are on the right track to helping yourself heal and move on. I hope everything works out for you, and you and your family can have a happy life, without all the family drama.