Can I forgive and forget???

[AmyKidders26]

Hello there to all,

 

I have been with my feller for nearly 6 years. Around a year ago we broke up for 7 months as close people were telling me all sorts of rumours about him. Apparently he cheated 2 years into our relationship with a

complete slut, who was suposed ot be my friend.

 

To this day he denies it. He was a bad boyfriend before, not coming home, drinking too much etc etc but now he is the most amazing man i hav ever met. Its like he has had a personality transplant.

 

I have forgotten how much of a waste of space he was, i have forgotten about the past in every way i can but i just cant shake the sickening feeling about hime sleeping with her. Its the whole secrety of it all and the not knowing. I believe he did sleep with her even though he says he didnt. I know this girl is a dirty cow and she has split up so many couples in our area, but she bugs me. What if she is making it up, what if its real?

 

Being with my man now feels like he truely loves me and i dont feel a mug for getting back with him as he has proved in so many ways that he has changed and he loves me. I trust him more than i ever did but my problem is getting over the past!! I dont have to rebuild it as he is doing that all on his own but how do i get these thoughts to stop haunting me. It hurts.

 

Help and please, im feeling fragile so give me something positive.

 

Thanks xx;)

[Ronni_W]

Hi Amy.

First off, I'm NOT saying that cheating is good thing to do. But, it seems that you are looking for a way to at least to make it okay (in your heart) for the purpose of moving forward in what has become a really positive relationship for you.

 

You'll likely get a lot of "once a cheater, always a cheater...lose that loser now"-type of "advice". But it makes no sense to say that to you if that's NOT what you want to do.

 

So rather, here are some options for a new mindset about it:

1. Glad that it happened when he was still acting like a "space-waster" -- we've already broken up about it, so today is a new day with wonderful potential for the future.

2. Grateful that he feels badly enough to deny it -- obviously means that (a) he recognizes that it wasn't appropriate and, (b) he cares about my image of him.

3. His cheating actually created a space in which we could grow stronger and closer as a couple, the second time around.

4. He said he didn't do it, and I'm just going to make the conscious choice and decision to believe him...no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

5. I KNOW he did it, and I just don't give a crap anymore because it's in the past and our future looks too bright to mess it up with past indiscretions. I am going to allow him this particular "mistake".

 

The point is, find some NEW way of looking at it that makes it work in your own head and heart. You say that you are feeling "fragile" but this is actually going to need you to be strong and courageous. So, butch up, gal . Also, others might call it just BSing yourself -- maybe so, but if it will also allow you to keep in your life what YOU really want, so what? Just "act as if" until it becomes your permanent new mindset about the matter.

 

OTOH, you are choosing to believe RUMOURS over him -- what's up with that? . But you could let him know that if you ever have evidence of his cheating, it will be a deal-breaker. And don't back down from that stand.

 

BTW, I don't subscribe to "forgive and forget" -- we are not called upon to "forget" because we do need to be able to use what we know and what we've learned, to inform and guide us. But we are called upon to "accept, forgive and let go" -- especially when doing so allows us to then achieve a bigger goal/dream (in your case, the relationship.)

 

I'm not thrilled with your judgment of your former g/f, though -- having those types of 'vibes' within yourself does not serve your own inner peace. Forgiveness is also called for, about her. Again, find something that'll help you see her actions in a different way. (E.G., compassion -- maybe she is just insecure and uses her body inappropriately for self-validation. Poor girl, it must be awful to have SUCH low self-esteem and low self-respect.)

 

Hope this offers something useful that you can adapt to suit your purpose and help you 100% enjoy what you have in the present. Best of luck.

[AmyKidders26]

Thank you for the positive thoughts there, i will definitly take those on board. Regarding moving on and forgeting, i am so worried that i am just going to push it all under the carpet as i dont have closure and totally balls in it up in teh future. She actually told me she had slept with him but never said how many times or when. i know that she isnt about to tell me these things and it is out of my hands, i think thats whats hurting so much. When i used to sit in crying cause he hadnt come home was it because he was with her? The betrayal is too hard to even think about.

 

I truly wish i could just forget this whole thing ever happened, there are days that i feel so strong and my friends are so supportive and other days i cant even think about any of it as its too painful.

 

I guess i just have to go back to the way i was before and be strong and confident. I have what i want and it may have taken him to cheat to realise how much he loves me, i have to deal with that!

 

In fact i think this has made me feel more strongly about us, he seems to want more out this relationship than he ever did before so i should be happier. Theres always the feeling he may do it again but anyone can cheat. I have to let him know he hasnt just got away withit and its not ok to cheat but at the same time i have to not push too hard or hell stray again. Like i have told someone else on here, whats the worse that can happen, i have lived without him before i could, if needs be do it again.

 

I shall start to enjoy our relationship instead of fearing it. There is one thing i dont agree with, i WILL not change my feelings about the girl in question. I do feel sorry for her as she is using her sexuality to make friends which is VERY sad. It has taken nearly all my self worth to stop me from doing something i regret!!! But she will never be a problem again! She is nothing to me!!!

[Ronni_W]

Regarding moving on and forgeting, i am so worried that i am just going to push it all under the carpet as i dont have closure ...The betrayal is too hard to even think about.

You are asking yourself to do an impossible thing, which is to "forget". So what you're asking of yourself will always leave you frustrated and feeling as if there is "unfinished business" -- you're essentially doing that to yourself.

 

But. What would this "closure" look like, if you had it? How would it feel? How will you know when you get it? And, once you do have it, how will you use it to your advantage? -- How will it help to alleviate your worries and concerns?

 

And, of course, you do not HAVE to think about "the betrayal" -- you can choose to hold other thoughts, you have the power to manage your own thoughts. But. Are you remembering that there is no real evidence of any "betrayal" other than some dysfunctional girl telling you some story, which could be a total fabrication, total BS - you've got to keep that in mind, too. Are you okay with giving her that much power over you? Cos again, you're doing that to yourself (and your b/f and your relationship.)

 

Which, you have it right about her. I did not mean to try to engender positive feelings for her, but rather to eliminate any negative vibes within yourself...exactly so that there is just the neutral "she can't hurt me, nor can she inspire me"-type of thought that you already have but, ADDED TO THAT, to eliminate the need to label her "slut" and "cow" and the like -- cos that is indicating that she is still 'something' to you -- she is still getting to mess around with your head and/or heart. It's your choice to "kick her out" so far that you no longer need to label her actions in a negative (or a positive) light -- THEN she will truly be nothing to you!

[AmyKidders26]

I actaully see what u mean, the more i think about it the more she is getting into my head.

 

He is really trying with me and is so patient with me as well. We havent had an argument since we have been back together and all he keeps talking about is our future etc. We also communicate with each other so much better than we used to.

 

I will try my up most to think of positive things that are coming out of this relationship. I have made the choice to be with him so i have to give the opportunity to make the relationship work for the both of us.

 

[Alma Mobley]

If you were having relationship problems at the time and he cheated, are you willing to accept and forgive that? It sounds like you are, but I think you are more upset that he isn't honest with you. I could be completely off-base here, but it does sound like he did, due to circumstantial evidence.

 

This is not a deal-breaker if it's true that he has completely committed to you and your relationship, and you can move on. But, if it is true, this might hang over your head for a long time. I hope he can be honest with you, because this might be something that needs to be out in the open and worked over.

 

I say this because you seem pretty convinced that he cheated, and his denials are not working for you. You need "closure" and I understand that. I am not one of those that thinks "once a cheater always a cheater." People make mistakes and they can be forgiven, if they show remorse. If he cheated and has not shown any remorse, and you are left wondering with no closure, it will wear you down and eventually destroy your trust in him and the relationship, even if he has recommitted to you and been faithful since.

 

How sure are you that he cheated? I know that if he did, he's going to be VERY reluctant to tell you. How important is your closure? What if you assumed he did -- could you forgive him?

 

Sorry about all the questions!

[AmyKidders26]

I am pretty sure he cheated as he was so distant, a lot of people admit that they knew something was going on and she was caught saying to one of my friends "**** help she knows"

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he did cheat on me! The fact is i am terrified to just walk away from someone that obviously loves me so much and i love hum but can i just push this feeling of complete betrayal under the carpet?

 

I dont want to keep bringing it up with him as it hurts the both of us, he keeps saying that it hurts him to think of me with other people when we split but how can that possibly be worse than cheating on someone.

 

I supose i feel as though i am living a lie but at the same time i dont want him to admit it (he wouldnt as hes too scared to lose me) Can i go through life with someone i know cheated and hasnt admitted it to me??

 

I am in such a confused place right now, i thought it was her that was making me feel the way i do but it is the fact he is pretending it didnt happen.

 

Straight back to square one and the most scary bit is its all down to me what happens next.

[Ronni_W]

Can i go through life with someone i know cheated and hasnt admitted it to me?? ... I am in such a confused place right now, ... Straight back to square one and the most scary bit is its all down to me what happens next.

Hey! You were doing so great just a short while ago -- what are you allowing your thoughts to do to you NOW???

 

But. I'm getting that you are really more fearful that something might happen in the future, to mess-up what you have in the present - is that right?

You totally can express any concerns for the future WITHOUT harping on incidents from the past. You might, for example, do it from point of, "Hey, hon, let's pretend something. ***IF*** I happen to cheat on you in the future, how would you want me to handle that?" Then he'll act all freaked and such, but just keep insisting, "yeah, but we're just pretending...so how would you want me to handle it?" until he gives you his answer.

THEN you tell him how you want him to handle a similar situation IN THE FUTURE...and you tell him the consequences if you ever do find out that he's cheated IN THE FUTURE.

 

 

About the past -- pretend that he has just admitted to having cheated. How did that just help your present...or your future? What did you just gain that you didn't have before? (Other than what you already know, the knowledge of which is causing you anxiety, grief, worry, etc., etc.)

 

And if it does turn out that yours is more about future-worry, then do try to make, and keep, it about the future and not the past.

 

Otherwise, dump him -- that's the only other sane option that I can see. But my first suggestion is really just to get to a more positive perspective -- AND THEN KEEP IT!!! Don't let external influences mess-up your own head, not ever again