Guy Friend Pulling Pattern Again...

[vanilla87]

So I've posted before and it was about my guy friend.

 

Well I admitted my feelings to him, well to a degree around july 4th by email after drinking and I never said anything for over a month.

 

So this past sunday, he IM's me facebook and starts of casual. He then starts to flirt with me, by telling me that saturday night he was alone in the hot tube, drinking, and watching the stars and somehow as a joke I said it probably is better with someone and he agreed, which lead to him saying he was alone, drinking whisky, and doing nothing.

 

But here is where the missing piece is: saturday he took a 15 hour trip to drop off his gf for her first year at college (aka - freshman) and then drove home and hasn't been happy.

 

He told me flat out without having to ask that he wasn't happy, he never said anything about his gf, but I knew, cause I know her and she is on my friends list anyway.

 

So yeah, long story short, his pattern is whenever he is having gf problems or just girl problems, like the girl lives too far or he is too far (aka - over seas with his troops) or anything, he always comes crawling to me by any means whether that be by phone, email, text, hanging out, etc... he always finds a way to be distracted with me.

 

The last 5 times was this:

1)he was about to break up with his on-off gf of 2 1/2 years and hung out with me before he went off to training in Texas on the base

2) he was lonely after finally getting out of the military and hung out with me the second night he was home and was avoiding his ex

3) he was confused about me and the other girl (his current gf) and we made out

4) his b-day this year, hung out with his best friend and texted me all day and flirted with me about cake being down my shirt from a b-day years ago,

5)And everytime his gf isn't around, he is able to text me, even while he works.

 

So basically today he is suppose to travel down after work from NY to SC and visit her for the weekend, well till saturday afternoon, and then come back up.

 

My thing is this: we had unrequited feelings towards one another since we were in hs, well since I was 16 and he was 18, now I'm 21 and he is 23 (his gf is 18). He has openly admitted to wanting more then something physical with me in hs and did this past year. I too admitted to him back in hs how I felt, to a degree then too.

 

I've known him for 7-8 years, and been friends with him for the last 6 1/2, and in the time, we have hooked up, while we we're both not single and ended up hurting the people we were seeing (that was 3 years ago), then with this past year we passionately made out, and nothing happened.

 

Why the second time nothing happened, was because he got busy, with work and re-enlisted in the military. I lost my aunt to her 8 year fight to breast cancer and was very vulnerable, which is one reason he stayed away, which I don't blame him because we would of just slept together and I would have been too upset to deal with.

 

Anyway, about a week after my aunt past he got closer to the girl he is currently with and they ended up dating. This happened from then end of feb. to the beginning of march (3 week period). Now its pretty much the end of august, and he hates long distance relationships, he always breaks-up with the girl and even though I'm routing for him and his girl, he is going to break up with her before her first year of college is done, which sucks, but its just the facts, not my opinion.

 

Anyway, he is practically like my best friend, and just wondering if anyone wants proof how close we are, as creepy as this sounds, if anyone who reads this watches one tree hill and has watched lucas and peyton, we're literally like that together, I mean my friend even looks like him and acts like lucas and i act like p. sawyer. Anyway, I thought I throw that out there just in case someone needed an example better then the ones I have here.

 

So I'm just trying to give him space and I'm good at that, but I'm not hurt, I'm just confused on what is going on with him now that he talking to me again.

 

Oh and please no "move on he has a girlfriend" advice, because I get that, but even when your mom thinks the possibility of him being someone I could end up with, you know that gets your mind flowing with a "could she be right?"

 

So leave some advice and constructive criticism is welcome...

[carhill]

IMO, you'll never be on the same page if one of you is in a relationship all or most of the time. Being clear of relationships and healthy by oneself is the best way to be ready and capable for a lasting LTR, as long as the other pieces (attraction, compatibility, etc) are in place.

 

IMO, he has a hard time being alone and depends on female companionship to alleviate this. That's not a good sign. If correct, he'll likely never be on the same page as you, since he'll never really clear a R to be completely available. It'll always be back and forth.

 

Do what is best for you. If you want to wait and stay unattached in the meantime, do that. If you meet someone else, let go of the past and don't contact this guy anymore or accept contact from him. Wipe the slate clean. Otherwise, it'll be back and forth for the rest of your lives, IMO.

[vanilla87]

True and its great advice, but i wish it was that simple.

 

See the problem is no matter what I'll still be in his life, because of this:

 

His uncle is best friends with my father, since THEY were in highschool, which is over 25 years of friendship and his mom knows my dad too (his uncle's sister).

 

Anyway, we once didn't talk for 6 months, it was different, but it felt like something was missing, then we started talking and it felt all good again, almost as thought he is the missing piece to my life puzzle.

 

Anyway, we are very close, he is practically one of my best friends, and we are sooo much alike, that were two peas in pod usually. I mean we can look at each other and know something is up, even if were both smiling, we know. He has been there for me, when I went through some bad stuff, and I've been there for him when things got rough.

 

We lean on each other and depend on each other too, but as of this past year, he is more busy then me, but I'm busy too, so we never really get to talk, maybe text or email, but thats it.

 

When we did hung out this year, he told me he missed me, alot, he was single then and vice versa, which is why the kissing happened so much easier for us that time. But thats not even half the problem, I was sort of into another guy then and was having a problem with him and my friend was all concerned and told me I deserved better then that and was all touchy feely, like hugging me more then 5 times in 3 hours, moved a piece of hair out of my face behind my ear sensual, telling me the sexiest thing about me is my intelligence and that I'm georgous, he was touching my neck to see if he made my heart race (more then once), that I'm one of the few friends he has kept around all these years for a reason, and then lending me his coat when we went outside (even though I wasn't cold, he insisted). And that was all in one night.

 

So yeah, thats why we never hang out alone, because of stuff like that, well more so on my half then his, because I know he can't control himself around me and what not, but more so me once he kisses me or gives me that look when he stands inches from my face.

[carhill]

I know exactly what you mean. I cover many of the details in my journals. I also know that you can make changes to both your perception of the relationship and to your feelings about him. It takes work.

 

Have you ever examined your true compatibility? Why you can have all these strong feelings and not get together for any lasting amount of time as exclusive? There's a reason for it.

 

Perhaps you feel NC with a friend is wrong. After all, he's not your ex nor has hurt you in any irrecoverable way. But, IMO, NC can help alter your perspective and strengthen your perception and enforcement of your boundaries. You can't help him with those and other issues. There are some things we each must do alone.

 

As I said, if you wish to continue having this back and forth, you can do it for as long as you like. I've been doing it for about 24 years now LS, MC and NC have finally helped me break the cycle of unhealthy behavior. Hope things work out for you

[vanilla87]

I wish it was completely platonic, but its not. See when I meant hooking up, I meant we slept together, once, 3 years ago.

 

After that, it actually brought us closer and we had longer conversations about some deeper issues and we supported each other more from that experience.

 

Its just that I'm not contacting him anymore, I'm letting him, because its healthier for me.

 

Anyway, my realization about why he never dated me in hs was this: he told me he didn't want to ruin the friendship, that he felt he was good enough for me and that I deserved better.

 

But the reality is this that I went through something horrible 6 years ago: I was having a problem with food, having problems with my father, and school, with the stress of ajrotc performance review, I was at a breaking point (december '03 & I was 16, he was 18). He was there for me through it all and help me get back on track, but while that happened he hooked up with a friend of mine and then started dating a girl he dated on-off for 2 1/2 - 3 years, which he cheated on with me 3 years ago. i know brain twister right there.

 

Anyway, then this year with the problem with my aunt pasting, it was like *click* light bulb, here I am again, problem, he supports me, but stays away and gets a gf... again.

 

I did ask him if things would be different if what happened didn't happen, and he never responded back, because he knows the answer, just knows there is nothing he can do about it anymore.

 

Anyway, he has been more open and honest with me this year, but hasn't said anything about his gf to me, even though there are pictures of them on facebook, haha.

 

He did that the last time he got back with his on-off gf early last year, but he only mentioned because my friend was sort of crushing on him and he said he didn't like her like that and also he had a gf.

 

Anyway, my friend has been through a lot with girls and I understand why he won't risk it cause I'm scared too, especially after 3-4 years of burying the feelings I had for him and then they popped up only when he kissed me. I've also been through a lot with guys, so thats also why I'm hesitant, not just him.

 

I'm just not sure whats going on in that head of his and I normally do, even if he just says "Hi" to me.

[vanilla87]

Update:

 

He hasn't said anything to me, but I know he is waiting for me to make a move, cause with that whole new IM system on Facebook, you can now see who is online.

 

So for almost two months we would be on at the same time, but either he would automatically go offline or away or vice versa, when it comes to me, basically acting like less then our own age.

 

Well, its happening again.

 

I still won't say anything, cause I'm tired of being the one putting all the effort in, due to the fact that I feel that now a days. He won't talk unless I either a)disappear for months, b)get into a crisis/emergency, or c)make all the effort.

 

So yeah, it hard letting him chase me, thats only due to the fact that I like to chase too, so I'm just letting him try and chase now, kind of when I first knew him, cause I was difficult, all because I wouldn't give him the time of day and was annoyed by him, so I was a challenge. Then he went away and changed and I decided to get to know him and then we became friends.

 

Now I wonder if thats why he only went after me, because I was a challenge or was not free.

 

But for now I'm just putting my feelings aside and just trying to be his friend and nothing more.