seaberry Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 The other night I was out at a bar with my boyfriend and a group of his friends, and we ran into someone I dated in college (10+ years ago). I will call hime Joe. Joe acted very excited to see me...trying to hug me, get my number etc, and I told him I was there with my boyfriend who I have been happily dating for three years. Joe and I were primarily friends in school, but we dated off and on a number of times. When my boyfriend asked who he was, I said a friend from college. The whole thing was making me nervous so I didn't go into any more detail than that. Joe used to try to chase off my boyfriends in school so I just wanted to get my boyfriend away from him. A few days later I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had also dated Joe. He got VERY upset and demanded to know if I had slept with him in college (which I had). He has not spoken to me now in two days because he says I am a liar and a hyprocrite. The reason that he says I am a hypocrite, is that he has lied to me about certain things (such as saying it is boys night and partying with girls instead) and I gave him a really hard time about the lying / omitting information. I did apologize about not giving him all of the information about Joe, which I think was the wrong decision. However, the part that I think is unfair is that my boyfriend demands to know details about my sexual history, such as how many (five), who etc, but yet I have no idea how many women he has been with. We have run into other people I have dated before and he always gets upset/angry. Why am I held so accountable for everything and he get off with "no comment"? Link to post Share on other sites
wittygirl09 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Your boyfriend sounds very insecure. You are not a hypocrite, he is omitting information about events that occur while he is WITH YOU. You are omitting things that are not his business about things that occurred BEFORE he was with you. As long as you are not cheating on your boyfriend or hanging out with your exes 24/7, I don't think it's fair for him to expect that you share your every intimate detail about your past with him. And if he requires that information, you have a right to know about his past as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Yeah, this is his thing. He has no right to demand that you tell him anything, let alone who you slept with. He's being childish and masking his insecurity as something you did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seaberry Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks you guys for your help. My boyfriend still says that I humiliated him because he had to meet a person I used to date and be in the dark about my previous relationship with him. But it was sooo long ago and this is not a person I even talk to anymore. Plus I knew he would get upset either way. There is more to this situation, which could be it’s own post, but I guess I will just include it here and make this post really long! I am in my early 30’s and I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. We went to the same high school, but we did not really know each other then, and did not starting dating until we met again a few years ago Early in the relationship, after a couple months of hanging out, I asked him if he was interested in having an exclusive relationship. He said that he was not ready for that with me (although we had slept together) and that I was free to see other people. I was disappointed, but I continued to see him when he called. Not long after this talk, he and I (both individually not as a couple) were invited to a large party hosted by some people that we went to school with. I called to suggest that we go together and he declined, saying that he would see me there. Late in the evening he called to let me know that he was not coming. I was sad about the whole situation and drank more than usual at the party, thinking I would need to end things. There was a guy at the party (that we also went to school with) showing interest in me that night. I had found him attractive before, and we ended up “hooking up The next day I felt regretful of my decision, and decided that I wanted try to save things with my boyfriend. I told him the whole thing, assuming that he would want to break up with me. He agreed to continue to see me, and we are obviously still together three years later. The problem is that we continue to fight about this issue. There were a handful of times that my boyfriend and I have been invited to things where this guy will be, and a fight always ensues. Anytime I bring up issues involving his behavior with other women, he always brings it this up as if it gives him the right to do whatever he wishes. Now with us running into this guy I dated in college, he says this is the second time that he has been humiliated because of my behavior with other guys. But seriously, I have had very few relationships. Before my current boyfriend I dated someone for six years. I am single and in my 30s and I have slept with 5 people total – I don’t think that is excessive. He knows this, and I have no idea of his sexual history, he does not tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 The other night I was out at a bar with my boyfriend and a group of his friends, and we ran into someone I dated in college (10+ years ago). I will call hime Joe. Joe acted very excited to see me...trying to hug me, get my number etc, and I told him I was there with my boyfriend who I have been happily dating for three years. Joe and I were primarily friends in school, but we dated off and on a number of times. When my boyfriend asked who he was, I said a friend from college. The whole thing was making me nervous so I didn't go into any more detail than that. Joe used to try to chase off my boyfriends in school so I just wanted to get my boyfriend away from him. That was a mistake. Instead of keeping your boyfriend away with this other guy so you could spend time with him, you should have kept the meeting with Joe short. Now your boyfriend will probably think you wanted to keep him away from Joe so you could flirt with him. A few days later I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had also dated Joe. He got VERY upset and demanded to know if I had slept with him in college (which I had). He has not spoken to me now in two days because he says I am a liar and a hyprocrite. The reason that he says I am a hypocrite, is that he has lied to me about certain things (such as saying it is boys night and partying with girls instead) and I gave him a really hard time about the lying / omitting information. Then yes, you are a hypocrite. If you give him a hard time for it, then turn around and do it too, then yes. And you told a fib yourself. But if he told you he was going out with guys, and then went out and partied with girls, he has no basis to call you anything. Honestly, any guy that lies like that and then goes partying with other girls is crusin' for a dumpin'. I did apologize about not giving him all of the information about Joe, which I think was the wrong decision. However, the part that I think is unfair is that my boyfriend demands to know details about my sexual history, such as how many (five), who etc, but yet I have no idea how many women he has been with. We have run into other people I have dated before and he always gets upset/angry. Why am I held so accountable for everything and he get off with "no comment"? Maybe its because since he was a jackass and pretty much disrespected you before that he is scared you will always remember that and return the favor. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Now with us running into this guy I dated in college, he says this is the second time that he has been humiliated because of my behavior with other guys. But seriously, I have had very few relationships. Before my current boyfriend I dated someone for six years. I am single and in my 30s and I have slept with 5 people total – I don’t think that is excessive. He knows this, and I have no idea of his sexual history, he does not tell me. Ask him to tell you about his history. You should know, right? Its going to be hard for him to accept your actions on July 4th. You're going to have to prove to him that you want to be with him, considering what you've done. And about the ex, you don't have to explain yourself unless there's some kind of continuing fling going on that would worsen your relationship. Good luck... you'll need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seaberry Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 Ask him to tell you about his history. You should know, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author seaberry Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 Its going to be hard for him to accept your actions on July 4th. You're going to have to prove to him that you want to be with him, considering what you've done. And about the ex, you don't have to explain yourself unless there's some kind of continuing fling going on that would worsen your relationship. Good luck... you'll need it. I dont' need to know everything, but if we are going to be together in life it would be nice if he shared something. As far as what happened at the party, it was in the early stages of our relationship before we were exclusive... that is 3+ years ago now. How long do you think it takes to "prove" a commitment? With the ex at the bar, I dated him 10+ years ago, and I have no relationship/contact with him...we just ran into him. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 I dont' need to know everything, but if we are going to be together in life it would be nice if he shared something. As far as what happened at the party, it was in the early stages of our relationship before we were exclusive... that is 3+ years ago now. How long do you think it takes to "prove" a commitment? With the ex at the bar, I dated him 10+ years ago, and I have no relationship/contact with him...we just ran into him. I guess he needs to forgive and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seaberry Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 I guess he needs to forgive and move on. I understand why he is upset...I just don't know when I get to stop being punished. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Seaberry, You don't have to tell your boyfriend anything about your past and quite frankly, you shouldn't. That's your information and if he doesn't like that, too bad. Let him throw his hissy fits, he'll get over it. Anything that happens from the day you two started dating till current is stuff that you can tell him. Besides, he's kind of the hypocrate since he knows about your past, but you know nothing about his. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Seaberry, Besides, he's kind of the hypocrate since he knows about your past, but you know nothing about his. Ditto. You should ask him about his and if he cares, he'll share. Link to post Share on other sites
chicagoboy777 Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 damn this situation is one that i see everywhere with the girl running into someone she had slept with. I understand your boyfriend, because when you admit that you had slept with both of those guys that means you had sex, slept in bed together tlaked cuddled and both guys had explored your body. It is a wierd thought Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks you guys for your help. My boyfriend still says that I humiliated him because he had to meet a person I used to date and be in the dark about my previous relationship with him. But it was sooo long ago and this is not a person I even talk to anymore. Plus I knew he would get upset either way. Half of this is you handling the situation bad.... the other half is your BF being a jerk. Don't let him use this as some kind of cheap blackmail. If he won't stop... it shows you the kind of person he is. Also, don't lie to him and treat him with respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Wow, you guys are in your 30s? His behavior comes off as very immature to me. So, you didn't want to spill the "dirty" details to your bf that very night, so what? It wasn't really his business to begin with. You dated this guy YEARS ago! And he refused to tell you about his past, so you are not obligated to tell him details of your past. Also, it bothers me that he has lied to you about going out on the town with other women and calling it "boys' night." Hmmmmm... Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Also, saying you somehow "humiliated"' him over this sounds like a control tactic. Don't buy into it! Link to post Share on other sites
soulseeker Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 So he tells you that he does not want an exclusive relationship with you and then holds it against you when you hook up with someone else? F this *********, seriously. He sounds very controlling. He cant handle the fact that you've slept with other men. Loser. Again, very controlling, immature, etc. This guy is NOT worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
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