.. at a crossroads.. without a map

[desertfire]

I've posted my story before, but will recap up to the minute....

 

Wife of 10 years walks out on my in October... files for divorce, gets attorneys involved, etc.. I meet a GF in January.. awesome new relationship... sort of uncanny. STBEXW discovers she is pregnant of me from 3.5 months (she really didn't know.. there was no sign or symptom.. even the dr. was blown away). In April she decides to rescind on the divorce and wants to reconcile, meanwhile I'm in a relationship and now it is up to me to decide what to do (tables turned). Turns out that ex's need to leave me was fueled by a hormonal imbalance (discovered at time of pregnancy). In the meantime I tell the ex that I am not going to make any decisions on anything until after the baby is born. As things lead up to the delivery, the ex gets very adamant on me not seeing anyone while waiting. Things with the GF get very uneasy... the GF starts to go out with other people without mentioning anything, becomes quite frustrated and angry (understandable) that the situation is not resolving. The baby is born (8/1/08.. boy.. really cute too) and I get an email from the GF that is basically a "don't talk to me until u figure out what u want" message, but written very harshly (also understandable). She didn't want me to contact her at all unless in person to discuss the issues. From the tense of her words, it is fairly reasonable to assume that it was a "I think we're done" message by the way it was worded.

 

From a rational point of view, the way I see it is that once the tables turned on me , I was basically converted from guy looking for some company, to husband having an affair. Trust me, I don't like the feeling of it in the least.

 

I will not deny that I do still have strong feelings for the wife (and baby of course) and never quite put her out of my mind. We were NC for the longest time until she learned of the baby, after which I made sure to be there for all of the dr's appointments, etc.. (it was an extremely high risk pregnancy, and not because of age, but rather a large uterine tumor).

 

I get the feeling that the GF is wanting to "spread her wings" and I would become another card in the deck (albeit a significant card) although the potential of the relationship is extremely high. I also have the feeling in a certain sense that she wants to retain the control of whether our relationship will go anywhere or not. In light of this I told her that kind of arrangement is a little uncomfortable. I believe she is not ready to go steady with someone in her life yet (past trends of her relationships prove it) and I am looking for someone to lean on and be there if I am in a relationship with them. She enjoys the single life and the excitement that is in it, although she wants a solid "home" life. During the time of our relationship (8 months) the GF was hanging out with other people and never once took the initiative to introduce me to them or vice versa, although I brought it upon several occasions.

I do care for the GF dearly. She is an amazing person and the new relationship is/was an awesome one. Although, I feel I am becoming some kind of "backup" or fill-in-the-gap.. perhaps an assumption on my part. This may sound childish, but it feels like we are soul mates of sorts, anticipating everything eachother are about to do and knowing exactly what the other is thinking without even saying a word.

 

She sent me the email a couple of days after my son was born, and I took the time to really think hard at what I wanted to do with the situation. I stopped thinking in terms of what I wanted, but in terms of what I did NOT want. I definitely do NOT want a relationship that is somewhat sketchy or shaky (not that I have much to choose from). I went NC for about a week, during which the GF began to advertise that things were over with people. I proceeded to contact her and set up a meeting with her. Earlier that day ( I wasn't aware until after I sent my message... funny way that phones sync their email) she sent another email saying she wanted all her things back. It made me a little upset and gave me more to think about that day.

 

I told the GF that, since the choice is in my court, that the best choice is to let her move on. If you love someone enough, you know when to let them go, and they will come back if it is meant to be. She said she couldn't quite understand this.

 

It was painful to do so.. she says I "don't know what I'm losing" and that "I had it all" and that "I will regret this", although she doesn't want us to end on non-speaking terms.. she wants things to have an "open-door" policy. I do believe that she does have strong feelings for me, but that she isn't ready for the commitment.

 

Things with the wife aren't concrete and are somewhat in the air, although it is promising. My gut feeling is to let the GF go entirely and to go back to the wife, but I am wondering if my senses are jaded.... I have contact with the wife on a regular basis, as well as the GF and I'm sure that it is not helping to sort my feelings out. On the other hand, my mind is telling me "danger" when hanging around the wife because of the uncertainty of what has already happened.

 

It's sort of like buying goods you already know about, or buying goods from a shelf where you have looked into the box, seen the parts, but don't know if it all fits together.

 

I would love to have a better relationship with the GF, but feel it is impossible, and am looking at the possibility of a reconciliation with the wife, but I seem to have difficulty letting go of the GF...

 

Any ideas / opinions / advice / tips ? I know you have heard my story in the other posts and I don't mean to bore you all, but I feel that things have come to a head and I have never faced anything like this before.

 

I appreciate all of you and your efforts on this forum. You have all (posters and responders) been of great help to me over the course of the year.

[Owl]

Whatever choice you make...proceed CAUTIOUSLY.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any ideas / opinions / advice / tips ? I know you have heard my story in the other posts and I don't mean to bore you all, but I feel that things have come to a head and I have never faced anything like this before.

Why not just focus right now on being a Dad? I think you're right to let the GF go, but who knows where your marriage is headed? It sounds like you're trying to choose between A or B - maybe the best answer is "none of the above"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark982]

maybe get the baby checked to make sure he's yours first off.then like other poster says. go real slow on this one.

[Woggle]

Whatever you do do not go back to your wife. Once a woman has walkaway thoughts they never stop and she will want to leave again in the future so save yourself the drama and heartache and get this over with now. If you like the new GF then go for her. Your wife wanted you out so she has no place getting mad about who you date.

[syz]

wow what a mess. I can totally understand your dilemma. My feeling about the gf is that while it is understandable that she feels jilted and I should know because I have somewhat been in her shoes, she would have acted differently if her actions with you had been guided by real love.

 

I loved someone who had recently split from an ex. There were two little children involved. I held back in case there was a chance for reconciliation. At one point we separated (almost 1 year into dating) for a while because it looked like there might be progress in that area. IT was terribly painful and I stayed No Contact as it was best for me and for them.

 

I never told her what she was missing out on or that she was making a mistake and all that other self pompous rot. I honestly wished her well and prayed for the best for all of us even if it wasn't each other. I didn't go out with other people while we were apart either I just focused on my life. But wow I was really sad and grieving.

 

We got back together after several months and have been together for a while now.

 

That said our situations are obviously somewhat different.

 

If I were you I would get the home paternity test out of the way. Just do it. Let the gf go for now. In the meantime I would try to get your W into counseling to find out what was really going on with her and why she left. You are still feeling betrayed by that and fearful of it happening again. There is a part of the picture you obviously don't have and if you should reconcile you need to understand why she left and what her issues are with the marriage and with herself.

[desertfire]

Thanx for the feedback everyone.. I truly appreciate it.

 

Let me try to respond to each of the replies.. they were all somewhat unique (again thanx!)

 

For the one comment that seemed in common.. I want to add that the baby is mine.. tests confirmed (amnio was done during pregnancy.. compared to blood serum of my wife and my own to confirm some results)

 

 

owl -

 

Thanx.. I completely understand your comment. I am trying to tread lightly.

 

mr. lucky -

 

My gut points in that same direction.. to focus on being a dad. It is so precious of a moment in the life of the child and I don't want it to slip through my fingers for paying attention to other things.

Also, I think you are right, in that I was looking at an A/B scenario, but never really contended with the "none" answer. Don't know if I'm ready to be alone though, but with the child there seems to be a feeling of "never alone"

 

mark982 -

 

Tests positive for baby being mine...

 

I am trying to take things real slow, because I don't want to take a pitfall.. just not sure where to tread (even lightly).

 

 

woggle -

 

I hear what you're saying, and believe me, the thoughts of that follow me around all the time...

I have been talking with the wife and she understands that the trust is broken and will take a lot to be repaired, but that she needs to put her best effort at showing it.

As far as the GF, I do like her, but am somewhat perplexed by her "if I don't like what I see I'm just going to leave anyway" attitude on things. Doesn't feel kosher in terms of someone who should be caring in the relationship.

 

 

syz -

 

Thanx for your response.. seems to hit the spot in quite a few ways.

 

It is very difficult and saddening to be away from the GF, but I think it is for the best, and I couldn't agree more about the "self pompous rot" (you couldn't have put it better).

You are also right about her actions... I can't tell if she was truly in love with "me" or with the idea of me. She said that it wasn't fair for her, etc... , but that if I wanted her that I have all the power to make her mine... just have to prove things to her. Didn't sound right..

 

In any case, the tests were positive for the boy being mine. Truly an amazing experience in life

 

As far as the GF, I don't understand why I am grieving so hard about leaving her. I am hurt by how she shows it is easy to move on... she is hurting somewhat on the inside - I can tell - but she iterates how this is all my fault. I would assume that if she had some loving type comments, she would speak more in terms of " I love you but we need to see through this" or perhaps a "I understand this is a difficult time..." type of comments.

 

As far as the wife, we have been to counseling, and we have gone over what were the issues... most of them came down to her needing to control her family and had them at priority 1. Her health went downhill over time and she got physically depressed but didn't want to deal with it (denial). Ultimately I became a thorn in the side because I was trying to get her to see the light (even desperately sometimes). She was overwhelmed with everything between her family, her medical situation, and our conflict. I do feel that she has gotten past her issues, as she has been going to counseling and has had to deal with her family on an entire new level, not only because of the child, and really wants to make the effort to make things work. It will take time for this, but I'm sure it can come through.

 

 

I appreciate everyone's feedback on letting the GF go... I too believe that it is for the best, and that if it is meant to be in the future then we'll see that writing on the wall at some point.

 

In any case, I do want to make an effort to work with my wife but am having detachment issues from the GF... any advice?