I cheated, told him, and now what?

[m00nstone]

I read this forum a lot, and I posted sometimes under a different screen name, but I forgot my password and the email I used to sign up, so here I am with a different one.

 

I guess technically I didn't cheat, since my ex and I were on a break, but we were really improving our relationship after a breakup when it happened. He and I were in separate countries for about 6 weeks earlier this year, and that's when it happened. When he came back, I told him. He was angry and hurt, but we talked through it and began the healing process almost immediately. There was no NC period. We basically began to rebuild both our physical and emotional relationship, which is what we were doing before it happened.

 

That was May/June. Now it's the end of August, and we are going to graduate school in two separate states. I asked him a week ago if he wanted to get back together, and he said no. It shouldn't have been a surprise since I have hurt him this way, but it was because for the six weeks after I told him, we were both working very hard at our relationship. He has to still be hurting, I know.

 

Our history is that we've broken up and gotten back together many times, but we were always close in terms of location. I know the rollercoaster relationship is a red flag, but each time we broke up, there was a good reason. And each time we got back together, we were committed to the relationship. So it wasn't as frivolous as it probably seems. In hooking up with another person during that break when we were working on our relationship, I realized that I want no one else but him.

 

Why did I cheat then? It was a friend who liked me for a long time, and with drinking, my judgment was clouded. Yes, I could have said no. And I didn't. I regret it a lot, but I can't take it back, which is why I told my ex because he is also my best friend.

 

Any advice on how to proceed with this? He wants to stay friends and wants to visit me/me to visit him, and he actually said that we'd get back together eventually since we've done it a few times already. I'm thinking he said that just to make me feel better, but history has shown that to be true. Should I pull an NC? Should I stay friends so that I can slowly regain his trust and hopefully his love?

[bish]

Why did I cheat then? It was a friend who liked me for a long time, and with drinking, my judgment was clouded.

 

 

And yet just another example of why hanging out closely with so-called "friends" of the opposite sex when you have a significant other is a no no.

 

 

Any advice on how to proceed with this? He wants to stay friends and wants to visit me/me to visit him

 

 

It aint possible. You are either friends, or you are romantic interests to each other. Do you think if you found yourself with a boyfriend in the future that he should be ok with you having a close male friend that you use to sleep with and had/has strong feelings for?

 

The way I see it you have 2 options:

 

1) you get back together

or

2) you do not get back together and you do not remain friends. Civil acquantences....ok, but not the kind of friends that call each other on the phone frequently or go out to the movies together. (however #2 only really applies if think you are going to find yourself with someone else in the future)

[m00nstone]

Thanks for your suggestions... They make a lot of sense, and yes, I am just another statistic when it comes to hanging out with a "friend" of the opposite sex while having a significant other I cared about, but apparently not enough at the time.

 

Originally, I was thinking of a third option: stay friends while working towards getting back together. But I suppose that the long-distance situation makes that difficult and it falls under the category of (potentially) "false hope."

 

I suppose if I chose option 2, he would come back if it's meant to be, right?

[Javelin]

I suppose if I chose option 2, he would come back if it's meant to be, right?

 

Highly unlikely at the fault of your actions. It's hard on your end, but just think of how you would feel if he had sex with another woman on your, 'break.' It's a bit different when you're on the opposite end of the stick.

 

Let's just put it this way, while you technically did not cheat, it was still wrong of you. As we're not speaking in technicalities here, there's an unspoken rule when a relationship is on a break and it's the exclusive rule. Basically, you can't sleep with other people while supposedly working on your current relationship. That doesn't make any sense and shows a lack of interest or care for the other person. If you wanted to have sex with someone, call your boyfriend over, not some other guy you had a thing for and blame it on alcohol.

 

Except your actions and do yourself a favor and move on. You pretty much blew any chance of getting back with your now ex-boyfriend.

 

P.S. - Sorry to sound so harsh, I'm just telling the truth.

[m00nstone]

No, I understand the harshness. This probably is the biggest mistake I've made in my life, and I'm going to have to pay for it. Whether he comes back or not is in his hands. He does care about me deeply and wants us to be friends but is going away for at least 2 years (he'll be back in town to visit his friends/family, I'm sure).

 

I'm starting NC, mostly for him because I know he needs space and time to heal. If he does forgive me, then he will come back into my life, one way or another. It just sucks when things are going so well after a bad time in the relationship, and then it crashes and burns. Me being who I am, I will probably only be able to stick to NC if he doesn't contact me. I just want him too much to push him away, even though I know that it is bad for me. I'm already so overwhelmed with grad school that I don't really have time to do anything but wait for him. I can push him to the back of my mind, but I will hold out hope, at least for a while, because he's worth it.

 

Some encouraging words would be nice, if you have any. I know that NC is best for him and will be good for me too, but I just can't seem to stick to that for more than a few hours right now!

[whichwayisup]

You can't be 'friends', atleast not until the pain goes away and the feelings get less and less. Do the NC, allow him time to think, and you take that time to work on you. Ask yourself why you put yourself in a situation that you couldn't say 'no' to the OM, drunk or not..

 

If you give him time to miss you, to not have you in his life, maybe he'll miss you enough to want to give you a second chance to prove you're trustworthy again.

[Javelin]

Some encouraging words would be nice

 

It's hard, but I'll give it a try..

 

Since you've posted here on LoveShack, I can say that this is a step in the right direction for the better. You've basically become a better person than you were yesterday, relatively speaking! Also, I know it's extremely hard to admit to something that we've done wrong and you were able to see that mistake, understand it, and realize the consequences that come with it. You were able to admit that you've made a mistake and that's awesome.

 

Who knows what the future brings? You said that your boyfriend still loves you and cares about you and that means that there is a small chance for recovery. If he is a forgiving person, he will be able to look past all of this and take you back to rekindle what was broken.

 

It could go either way, but just hope for the best.

[m00nstone]

Thanks everyone for the advice and the kind words!

[NewSunrise]

Couldn't help but add my two cents on this post.

 

You CAN be best friend with the opposite sex without crossing the line. It comes down one's level of self-respect.

 

My best friend of 13+ years have seen me go through 2 marriages of which he has met both exes, as I have seen him go through relationships. I thought he was going to marry the last one. I even tried to set him up with a few of my friends just because he is the most loyal person I know. We work together and there was NEVER a time, even when opportunities presented themselves that we ever thought of crossing the line.

 

A year after my nasty D from xWH, he begged me if I would consider giving him a chance. I told him no because 1) I wasn't ready 2) he was my best friend. He respected my position and said he'd wait another 13 years if that's how long it would take me to be ready.

 

Months later, I visited him and met his family for the first time, and I saw him in a different light. He is everything every woman could ever wish for. Fun, loving, very close with his family, generous, loyal, etc. I've always loved him as my best friend and I love him even more today. And yes, I have fallen in love again which I never thought I would ever.

 

He's asked what I thought about marrying him. I told him I wasn't ready. I know in my heart, he's it. Just not ready to take the plunge yet. But I'm moving to be with him.

 

I can honestly say that the relationships I've had in the past were the sort of fairy tale we all fall into in the beginning. Chemically, we fall in love at first followed by the traditional engagement (a somewhat expected chronoligical event), get married and "supposedly" live happily ever after.

 

Had my "best friend" and I ever crossed the line at anytime especially when either of us were committed to other people, we would not be together. I'm also a strong believer that things happen for a reason.

 

Your spouse "should" be your best friend. Unfortunately, reality is such that more often SO usually become lovers first and the "best friend" thing gets lost somewhere along the way.

[m00nstone]

It's really great to see that friendships with someone of the opposite sex can last through relationships without ever crossing the line or jeopardizing the relationship. Your story gives me a little more hope, since this guy and I have been friends since we were about 10 years old, and we have had our ups and downs, but I credit (maybe blame?) the friendship we have for our repeated "getting back together" problem (blessing?). The OM and I are basically fleeting blips in each other's lives, although the blip he made in mine had a greater consequence.

 

I'm not sure how we would act if we were both in relationships, since we're basically each other's only relationship to date. The territorial sense and jealousy are still there on both of our parts. One (I) can only hope that they turn into something productive for our friendship and relationship because right now, the things that I miss most aren't the sex, the dates, the thoughtful little actions here and there. It's the nights in, the conversations, the laughter.

 

But thank you for your thoughts... it gives me hope for a reconciliation at least on the level of our friendship. And for us, being best friends was the big first step to being in a relationship and getting back together.

[GPFan]

You two would make good long-distance friends once your boyfriend has healed his betrayal wounds. If you happen to be physically close, then NC is probably the best option.

 

There is a better relationship for both of you out there.

[imagine]

 

Your spouse "should" be your best friend.

 

 

Amen for ever and ever!

 

After thirteen years of marriage this became apparent to me. Thank you to the posters like NS that clued me in.

 

Clearly I'm not the fastest pony out the gate!

[MichiganMan222]

I'm curious....you said after you slept with the other guy, you realized that your ex was the one you wanted to be with. How did you determine this after sleeping with someone else? Thanks.

[m00nstone]

It shouldn't have taken having sex with someone else for me to understand this, but afterwards, I realized what my ex meant when he used to tell me that I viewed sex too loosely. He is very cautious when it comes to sex, for emotional reasons. I always thought of sex as a recreational activity, and I was more cautious about it from a heath perspective. Our differing views on sex caused a few arguments here and there.

 

Up until him, I just sort of had sex for sex's sake, made sure I got tested. I'm not by any standards a loose girl... I can count all the men I've had sex with on one hand still, but I certainly didn't treat sex as something super special. With my ex, I found that sex was different... better. I didn't realize that the reason for this was because I loved him and he loved me until I had sex with someone else that was emotionally pointless. Leading up to my having sex with the OM, my ex and I were no longer in love, but we were working on rebuilding the relationship, and I took that for granted.

 

I know what I did was wrong, and even to me, that sounds like a weak explanation for how I know he is the one, but it is what happened. I had an epiphany, and now I realize that sex is something special to be shared with someone special, someone I love. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I know it's a lesson I could have learned the easy way without sleeping with someone. Sometimes, we just have to find things out the hard way, pay for the consequences as we go, and hope - at least in my case - that he is as forgiving in the long-term as he was in the short-term.

[Javelin]

It shouldn't have taken having sex with someone else for me to understand this, but afterwards, I realized what my ex meant when he used to tell me that I viewed sex too loosely. He is very cautious when it comes to sex, for emotional reasons. I always thought of sex as a recreational activity, and I was more cautious about it from a heath perspective. Our differing views on sex caused a few arguments here and there.

 

Up until him, I just sort of had sex for sex's sake, made sure I got tested. I'm not by any standards a loose girl... I can count all the men I've had sex with on one hand still, but I certainly didn't treat sex as something super special. With my ex, I found that sex was different... better. I didn't realize that the reason for this was because I loved him and he loved me until I had sex with someone else that was emotionally pointless. Leading up to my having sex with the OM, my ex and I were no longer in love, but we were working on rebuilding the relationship, and I took that for granted.

 

I know what I did was wrong, and even to me, that sounds like a weak explanation for how I know he is the one, but it is what happened. I had an epiphany, and now I realize that sex is something special to be shared with someone special, someone I love. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I know it's a lesson I could have learned the easy way without sleeping with someone. Sometimes, we just have to find things out the hard way, pay for the consequences as we go, and hope - at least in my case - that he is as forgiving in the long-term as he was in the short-term.

 

Well said, Moon.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know what I did was wrong, and even to me, that sounds like a weak explanation for how I know he is the one, but it is what happened. I had an epiphany, and now I realize that sex is something special to be shared with someone special, someone I love. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I know it's a lesson I could have learned the easy way without sleeping with someone. Sometimes, we just have to find things out the hard way, pay for the consequences as we go, and hope - at least in my case - that he is as forgiving in the long-term as he was in the short-term.

 

Bottom line. You need to let go. We all do some dumb stuff in life. I've done plenty for both of us.

 

In your case... you need to just let him go. Life doesn't usually give you a retry. Besides, it's more than likely you will find that you only value him because he doesn't want you anymore.

 

If your dead set on it though, here is a tip. He thought you two had something special. You proved to him that you didn't feel the same. Now you have to physically prove that you DO feel he is special. That's going to take time, effort, and imagination. Best of Luck.

[m00nstone]

Thanks Javelin!

 

And Untouchable... I definitely know I have to do that. The thing that is hard now is striking that balance between proving my love for him and scaring him away. I guess it's that perfect mix of letting go a little but showing just enough of the best real me I have to give. Good thing I'm pretty creative, right?

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, support and good wishes!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks Javelin!

And Untouchable... I definitely know I have to do that. The thing that is hard now is striking that balance between proving my love for him and scaring him away. I guess it's that perfect mix of letting go a little but showing just enough of the best real me I have to give. Good thing I'm pretty creative, right?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, support and good wishes!

 

That is why I suggest you throw in the towel.

 

His mind will naturally replay all the fighting/issues you two had when thinking about you. Time will make that fade, but how long do you want to wait?

 

Hard fact is that because of all the negative baggage, you don't compare favorably with other women right now.

 

Besides, if it was that difficult to make things work... why do you want another shot?

[Spectre]

Really, just leave him alone. If you truly care about him, you wouldn't want him to be in a tainted relationship. Bottom line, why should he settle for a chick that goes and gets drunk and sleeps with her friend?

 

Just walk away, sometimes people who get cheated on can't let go, and the cheater just selfishly goes back with them without knowing the damage they are causing. If you actually care walk away and next time don't sleep with another guy, because you were right: if you need to sleep with someone else to realize how much this guy meant to you, that is all kinds of f'ed up.

[m00nstone]

Very simply, I want another shot because I want another shot. I will work on this as long as my heart can take it. Doesn't mean I'm going to overlook other guys, and I'm not expecting that he'll pass over all the girls who will fall head over heels for him. But the fact that even after this, he still sees me in his future (I'm not making that up... it was part of a lengthy conversation a few weeks after I told him what I did) is really the only thing I'm holding on to right now that is allowing me to get on with the rest of my life since I am in school and need to study and do well. So I'm going to hold onto it until my heart says that it's OK to let go.

 

And Spectre... I am going to leave him alone as much as I can. I offered that option to him, but he wanted to work on our relationship and now, even though he doesn't want to get back together, he wants to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not going to stop him from doing that.

 

Overall, in my defense, it was a one-time deal. It ruined my relationship, and now I'm paying for it, emotionally and physically. I realize that I suck. It's my fault. I get it. There is no need to point it out more. I understand that the picture I paint of our relationship is only the tip of the iceberg and that's all everyone is going on, but I think I've shown that I comprehend the wrongness of my actions and the consequences that accompany it. I'm only trying to do what he wants without compromising my own feelings. I love him, and that's the bottom line for me right now.

 

Thank you all for your honest opinions. And the most thanks go to those who at least tried to find a silver lining to this very large and disastrous raincloud.