my mom doesnt care about me, why does she pretend?

[security]

i've been depressed recently because i thought i wouldnt be able to go back to school, but then my mom offered to pay my tuition. thing is its very last minute and i feel like she only did it so i wont go around telling people that she doesnt help me. she knows i've been struggling to graduate college because i have to work and pay for school, but she claims she didnt know. however i ahve told her and she was the one who offered to pay. i never asked for money so she knows i've had trouble. then i find out there may have been money she put away for me that i could have been using this whole time. and she waits till now, after a year of struggling and having to put up with sh*tty people at crappy jobs, i have been so depressed because of my situation. she doesnt seem sincere, when she says i can ask her for help, she actually seems annoyed. she has lied to people and told them i have a masters degree because she is ashamed of me. i would be shocked if a friend of mine did this, i never expected it from my mom. she has made me feel so bad about myself being in school and struggling and i actually felt like i had failed her, then i finally realize that she doesnt give a crap about me, just what peple think of her. this makes me not want to even accept her help and just go to school when i can afford it, but i'm afraid that could take a long time and i really wanna hurry up and finish. i have decided to accept the money, but would u take the money if it were u? and why cant she just tell me the truth and say hey your on your own now, i'm not gonna help you, i can respect that i cant respect telling me that your always there for me but when i ask for help you dont want to do it. she is only doing it because she thinks i'm telling people shecant afford my school, she cares more about what others think than about me. i did things based on the fact that i thought i had someone in my life who cared about me, i didnt need money emotional support would have been enough, but she cant offer that and turns out she doesnt even want to help financially it was b.s. all this time. i know i have to rely on myself and God only, but i do i deal with the pain she has caused? does anyone who has had a bad parent have any advice for me thAT COULD HELP? do you know about this type of thing, i just need to understand why?

[Ronni_W]

I'm confused: You said that you NEVER ASKED for money...so how would your mom know if/when you needed financial assistance? Then you said that she never helps you financially -- but the one time that you did tell her you were struggling, she DID help.

So there's definitely something that I'm not getting, about the money part.

 

My mom is also totally out of touch with her own emotions, so she hasn't been able to provide her kids with any emotional support, either. As her child, it's tough to have to deal with that, on one level. But it's also sad for her, really, that she is emotionally "illiterate", so to speak.

 

The thing is every parent has her or his own limitations and weaknesses. It's a major insecurity (weakness) on her part, if your mom cares so much about what other people think.

But one aspect of us loving them is to also love their "flaws and failings" -- and we can show that love even if they don't know how to show it back to anyone else. And we have to find the emotional support that we need and want, from other sources who DO have it to give to us. It is just too frustrating and exhausting trying to get blood from a stone, as the saying goes.

[security]

she has always said i could ask her if i need help, but i dont usually ask, sometimes when we call each other on the phone i mention things that are going on in my life, like if she asks whats going on in school, i'll say i cant go this semester because of this class, or something and thats how she'll know, like she may ask why chase called the house, and i'll say well its because i have not made a payment in a while, or something. so i mention if she asks, but i do not ask for help, except for one time when i did call because my electricity would get turned off, and i knew i would not have enough money for a while to get it turned back on. she acted very annoye when i asked, and it was hard enough for me to have to ask her.

[braddD]

heres my advice...count yourself lucky...my mum lives on the other side of the world...my dads an alcoholic drug addict who earns about 100pound income (after bills and what not) a month...so smile and get on with your perfect life...no offence but really...thats not bad at all

[vintagecat]

"having to put up with sh*tty people at crappy jobs"

 

Well that pretty much sums up being an adult, so get used to it. Despite what many a young person believes that they are entitled to, once you are past age 18, your parents have no legal (and probably no moral) obligation to do anything for you including paying for a basic college degree. You are allegedly supposed to be an adult at that point though many parents arrange to support their children into their early 20s, it's not a given or a legacy. It's time to stop wallowing in your own self pity and just grow up and take responsibility for your feelings and your life. Sorry I'm not trying to rag on you but I'm calling it as I see it.

 

I'm with Bradd on this one. Bad parent? Not even close. If you want an up close and personal look at bad parenting volunteer at a homeless and battered child shelter and you'll get an eye opening experience of bad parenting and worse. What you've described is a monumental lack of communications skills on your side of the coin and probably on your mother's end as well. You can't expect anyone (parent, spouse, lover) to "figure out" your needs, much less to help out if you aren't willing to put your needs into clear and unambiguous terms that can be easily understood by the person that you are seeking help from.

 

If I were on the other end of your phone calls about bills not paid and utilities shut off I might be thinking something along the lines of "Oh my God, this child can not cope and will be a millstone around my neck forever." And while I might infer that you need help from your tales of woe, in what substantive way might one really help after such a call? For example: Your mother might be looking at your spending patterns and choices and think that the last thing you need is an infusion of cash but rather the school of life teaching you hard lessons. Think about it. Are you spending time or money foolishly or on luxuries so that she might not want to help by just writing a check to float you and on the other side of the coin can she help financially without hurting on her end? This thing is not just about you is it?. It's a complex situation and so is life. Time to embrace adulthood in all it's glory and agony and take care of your own needs in a direct and mature fashion.

 

And help us out please: Capital letters and paragraph breaks are our friends for ease of reading and comprehension.