Coming on too strong?

[LoveLace]

I worry about what I say or do a lot, sometimes that makes me screw up even more...plus I'm slightly intimidated by his 'high profile" of sorts..

 

I've been messaging back and forth with C, the sax player, a few times since we saw each other a week ago. I've been a little flirty, but he's been responding, and maybe he flirted some too; hard to say because I don't think he's really that big of typing guy (this is on MS). What I know for sure is that he's very sarcastic (I've known him for years), makes it easy to joke around with him.

 

One day I had told him it was my off, he wrote, "I hate you for being off today!" (I had already acknowledged that he seemed pretty stressed out by his 2 jobs), I wrote back that I work on this and that day, so you can hate me again on Saturday (ha) and love me the other days....

 

But I screwed up the days, went back and said oops..this is what I meant, yadda yadda...he wrote, "Get it straight, I can't love you EVERYDAY!" ha ha....I couldn't resist coming back with, "K then ,how about once a week on Sundays anywhere from 8-2am? HA"....

 

I was totally joking, but could that have been too suggestive? The message is marked as read (joke was followed by a brief description of my day, then I ended with "Hugs"-) But he didn't write back this time, yet anyway; ...I want him to know I'm interested, but I don't want to say anything that sounds desperate, or whatever. He just read it today; All I can hope is, since asking me out is what I want him to do, maybe he's thinking about what to say next.

 

Other than that, I haven't made any suggestions to hang out again or offer my phone #; but he has not either. I'm happy about us talking more and I'm feeling patient. When we saw each other last week, it was obvious to everyone there that he was really digging me. I caught him eye-locked on me several times that night. If he isn't really interested anymore, that's ok, but was my comment an example of what means coming on strong, even if kidding?

 

So far everyone has had good input about this new interest of mine...thanks

[LoveLace]

Well f*k it, I'm about ready to just ask him out, get it over with!!! Beating around the bush...doesn't work..

[2sunny]

NO! just settle down honey! what's the hurry?

 

you need to wait and let him do the asking... it will allow you to understand if and when he is interested - by making the effort to plan a date with you.

 

besides, if he's working two jobs - he's obviously a busy guy... and may take some time to figure out when he can have time to see you.

 

i'm sure he understands your busy schedule too... that makes things even more difficult from his perspective.

 

just be patient.

[LoveLace]

NO! just settle down honey! what's the hurry?

 

you need to wait and let him do the asking... it will allow you to understand if and when he is interested - by making the effort to plan a date with you.

 

besides, if he's working two jobs - he's obviously a busy guy... and may take some time to figure out when he can have time to see you.

 

i'm sure he understands your busy schedule too... that makes things even more difficult from his perspective.

 

just be patient.

 

Interesting point.

 

I was just thinking, since his schedule is even more hectic than mine, it would make sense to suggest grabbing a drink on a night of one of his shows, well an after-drink; actually I thought of giving him my number in case he ever wants to do so...without suggesting any specific time. I figured that could make things easier..what if he's thinking its hopeless to try otherwise? Guess I've put that out there though, with joking around anyway.

 

Hopefully I don't crack but I DO want him to ask me out!

[2sunny]

don't give him anything unless he asks.

 

there's no reason to rush. i have a feeling your anxious approach may sabotage a potentially good thing.

 

when he's ready - he'll ask. do not hone in on this thought... stay busy and distracted.

 

if he wants your number or to see you - he'll ask. men are simple- don't complicate things.

[LoveLace]

don't give him anything unless he asks.

 

there's no reason to rush. i have a feeling your anxious approach may sabotage a potentially good thing.

 

if it hasn't already

[paddington bear]

Lovelace, I was following your previous post about initially meeting this guy and it sounds to me like you've gone into hyper-drive over the whole thing.

 

Excitement, anticipation, fear that nothing will happen, impatience to know if this guy likes you and will ask you out and so on. You're trying hard to figure out a way to push things along to end the frustration of not knowing - but that will work against you in the long run. If he likes you, he will want to feel like he made the decision to move things along - unfair, but true with most men, I find anyway.

 

My advice is fill your life with as many other activities as possible. You are cool girl, you would like to hear from him, be receptive and happy to hear from him, but don't bombard him with a million emails or calls or text messages after he does contact you. It's too much and reeks of desperation and male or female, we all tend to automatically step back a little from anyone we sense is overly keen. If you act like it's no biggie, you have other men you date, friends who you fill your time with, work and other interests it will be to your benefit with him and for your own head.

 

Don't get obsessed! Or at least try not to. Distract yourself and try to set up some dates with other guys so that all your hopes are not directed towards this one man, this will make you naturally more relaxed about the whole thing, with more of a happy, confident, take it or leave it attitude, which is always more attractive!

[Kamille]

Lovelace, I was following your previous post about initially meeting this guy and it sounds to me like you've gone into hyper-drive over the whole thing.

 

Excitement, anticipation, fear that nothing will happen, impatience to know if this guy likes you and will ask you out and so on. You're trying hard to figure out a way to push things along to end the frustration of not knowing - but that will work against you in the long run. If he likes you, he will want to feel like he made the decision to move things along - unfair, but true with most men, I find anyway.

 

My advice is fill your life with as many other activities as possible. You are cool girl, you would like to hear from him, be receptive and happy to hear from him, but don't bombard him with a million emails or calls or text messages after he does contact you. It's too much and reeks of desperation and male or female, we all tend to automatically step back a little from anyone we sense is overly keen. If you act like it's no biggie, you have other men you date, friends who you fill your time with, work and other interests it will be to your benefit with him and for your own head.

 

Don't get obsessed! Or at least try not to. Distract yourself and try to set up some dates with other guys so that all your hopes are not directed towards this one man, this will make you naturally more relaxed about the whole thing, with more of a happy, confident, take it or leave it attitude, which is always more attractive!

 

Hear hear!

 

I agree a 100% with what PD said

 

 

don't give him anything unless he asks.

 

there's no reason to rush. i have a feeling your anxious approach may sabotage a potentially good thing.

 

if it hasn't already

 

This is another thing that you do. You are so quick do doubt yourself and your own moves that you then you start worrying about it and start trying to find ways to amend what you perceive as a mistake. Basically, you create crises, a sense of disaster and emergency in your love life.

 

The bottom line is, no matter how yummy this musician is, you really won't know if you're a match until you two have started dating for awhile. So why spend time worrying about it before-hand? Keep busy and wait for him to ask you out. If he doesn't, it's for his own reasons and likely has very little to do with you.

 

Head up high, smile on your face! No go out and conquer the world.

 

ps: when I feel that 'urgent' feeling about boys, I go to the gym and really sweat it out. I highly recommand it! It calms you down, gives you a healthy attitude and keeps you in shape. +++

[shadowplay]

Yes, I think you're in danger of coming on too strong. I did the same thing recently with a guy I was crazy about and it backfired. He knows you're interested. Believe me. You're on the verge of seeming desperate at this point, so just lay low for awhile and let him get back to you.

[LoveLace]

I responded to his last message (day before yesterday) but I haven't written anything since. He'll be playing shows all weekend as usual, don't want to look like the type who expects too much attention for how busy he is, at this point. So I'm cool - school starts next week, among other things to think about.

 

Me and a (married) girl friend of mine might hit another show next weekend. If we don't talk b/tween now and then, I don't think it'll be a big deal to him, I think he'd be happy to see me (not necessarily because he likes me though, just because that's how he is). But I have a feeling he'll drop me a line between now and then - would be nice anyway. The other thing about seeing him in person is that it's always going to be more of an experience, than talking on MS for cryin out loud. If either of us grow more interested, I don't think MS is going to make that happen - but spending together can, obviously. We knew each other before MS even came to be, so all of our good times have taken place in person, why turn it into a MS thing? I'll be trying to prevent that...

 

If I HAD other guys to think about, I'd certainly be doing that! I"m not the type who meets a guy like every time I go out. New guys in my life are always spread out over months, come and go. I don't get to go out very much anyway, too busy with work/school, and can't change that much for a while yet. But I at least have time for a guy to see once a week or so! A bad habit I have is talking about how hectic my schedule is. I sometimes wonder if that's a big turn off because it might sound as though I don't have time for dating. In the 1st 5 minutes of seeing C last weekend, he asked how much school I have left...almost like he had been wanting to ask that, but he didn't on MS. Then again, I get asked that question a lot.

[LoveLace]

I do still wonder about our mutual friend though, a girl that considers him her "best friend" and talks to him on the phone once a week (she lives overseas). She knows more about me than he does. He's already told her about running into me once before (a year or so ago) ; so I'm sure he'll mention what's happened lately. He might even perhaps ask her about me; and I honestly can't say if she would encourage him or not. Though I did tell her already, that I'd pinch myself to be going out with him. All I"m sayin is, she could have an effect on what he may or may not do.

[Jilly Bean]

LL - I said it before, so I'll say it again. It just doesn't sound to me like he's interested in anything romantic with you. You had said you didn't care, that you just liked him as a friend, and that you didn't want to do anything to rock the boat and jeopardize the friendship.

 

Now, you have gotten yourself all worked over this, still wanting him to ask you out (which I don't think he ever will), and now obsessing over every little word you write him.

 

My advice? Either make your move, or reconcile him to being a friend and NOT expecting more from him. Otherwise you will continue to torture yourself needlessly.

[LoveLace]

LL - I said it before, so I'll say it again. It just doesn't sound to me like he's interested in anything romantic with you. You had said you didn't care, that you just liked him as a friend, and that you didn't want to do anything to rock the boat and jeopardize the friendship.

 

Now, you have gotten yourself all worked over this, still wanting him to ask you out (which I don't think he ever will), and now obsessing over every little word you write him.

 

My advice? Either make your move, or reconcile him to being a friend and NOT expecting more from him. Otherwise you will continue to torture yourself needlessly.

 

Before I saw him, I said I wouldn't care if it was just like old times. But it was and it wasn't. My friends observed all night...they wouldn't tell me he was "so into me" if they didn't really think so. So of course now, I'm going to "care" a little more than I did before. But it isn't as though I have much more important things to think about. They aren't things I care to discuss much here though...I don't really think LS'ers would want to hear much about my work or school issues...boring! lol. But they are certainly there to occupy me. When I come to talk about it HERE, I appear occupied with it, because I am at the moment...but away from this, life is all about different things entirely...that's how it seems, anyway.

 

You advise to either make a move or abort the situation...I actually agree with that! But I'm choosing to do neither, and if he wants to step up, he will. He hinted towards seeing me again that night; so I just don't believe possiblities could be ruled out completely yet. But posting this matter, is exactly what has lead me to that final thought about it for now (and maybe even forever...who knows)...

[Ronni_W]

There's a lot of wisdom in what Jilly Bean wrote...I was nodding my head all the way through. BUT then I re-read your original and...well, I can't see a guy responding with "...I can't love you EVERYDAY", unless he is feeling something that he relates to 'love'. Not even in jest, do they jest about that, in my experience.

 

Even so, yeah...maybe it is a friend-type of love that he is feeling, and nothing more than that. <sigh> How I do wish the English language had a few more versions of that little word 'love', so we (women and men) might stand a better chance of having more of a clue.

 

I guess if/when you do reach your "limit" of whatever (suspense, anticipation, frustration, all three?), then just type your phone number at the bottom of a text, and let the chips fall where they may -- what else is a poor gal (or guy) to do?

[Kamille]

I feel like the reason why you fret so much about 'prospects' in your life is that you want to control the outcome... It almost feels like you feel like you need to 'trick' someone into being into you. I guess what JB is saying is that a guy is either into you or isn't, and it usually isn't a big mystery that needs analyzes, actions and solving. Man aren't afraid of women, they seek out their company.

 

That being said, I know that in my life it usually takes guys a few run ins before they actually get the guts to ask me out. But the thing is, in between run-ins, I try not to spend too much time thinking about them. I am thrilled when I do run into one of my prospects however.

 

Basically I think you just need to tweek your attitude when it comes to dating.

 

But here is another thing I've seen you do twice before when posters here suggested you should get active and stop thinking so much about one guy:

 

 

If I HAD other guys to think about, I'd certainly be doing that! I"m not the type who meets a guy like every time I go out. New guys in my life are always spread out over months, come and go. I don't get to go out very much anyway, too busy with work/school, and can't change that much for a while yet. But I at least have time for a guy to see once a week or so! .

 

Now, please allow me to break it down:

 

If I HAD other guys to think about, I'd certainly be doing that!

 

Why do you need to be thinking about a guy anyways? I now make sure I only think about guys when I can think yummy thoughts about them. Basically, I put on a boy crazy hat if you will and, other then that, I usually think about... What do I think about... ah yeah! LS. My research projects. What outfit I'm going to wear that night. How great JB's shoes are. That Cuteguy has a really sexy voice. That it's be cool to have peace signs bumper stickers. Anyways, you get the jist of it.

 

I"m not the type who meets a guy like every time I go out. New guys in my life are always spread out over months, come and go. I don't get to go out very much anyway, too busy with work/school, and can't change that much for a while yet.

 

I'm not the type to meet a guy everytime I go out either... and so what?! I do have a good time everytime I go out - which is good enough for me. New guys in my life are also spread out over months and I'm actually thankful about that one after my last break up.

 

The rest, you worrying about whether you shouldn't mention your hectic schedule or whether your friend spoke to the guy, is what I mentioned in the first paragraph: you trying to have control over things you don't control so let them go. Just enjoy going out and meeting guys for the fun of going out and meeting guys. No need for an immediate outcome.

[Green]

I've had girls call me and text way to many times in a row and its anoying... but usualy it won't scare me away if I'm into a girl. If I'm not into a girl then it is extra anoying and just makes me hate her. So I'm going to say keep on truckin

[paddington bear]

Wow, Kamille, I'm impressed. You kind of have it all worked out. As I've mentioned somewhere previously I haven't worked out the quote thing, but basically 'what Kamille says'.

 

Lovelace, I don't know how old you are, but you remind me of me in my mid-twenties. It took me so long to realise the reality of these situations, but not just the situations, my reactions to the situations, that's the key. How you react to whatever is presented to you. If you get over-excited and build these things into something more than they are, when it doesn't work out as you expected, the crash back down to earth is hellishly painful emotionally, whereas if you genuinely see the reality and keep things in perspective whatever way things work out, you haven't invested too much hope or emotion - I don't mean that one should squash down what you're feeling, more that you recognise what you're feeling, but also can look at the situation in a distanced fashion.

 

I'm not saying I'm some wonderful mature person who has it all worked out, far from it, but somewhere along the way I got a bit hard and thought 'what do I want?' if things don't work out then, you tell yourself 'well, I wanted a guy who really liked me, who went out of his way to show me that' not some namby pamby guy who was happy enough to let you waltz out of his life when he had the chance to date you. You tell yourself 'I deserved more than that' instead of thinking 'why whyyyyyy didn't he want me'. It's a way of taking back a little bit of power from these situations. He didn't give you what you wanted therefore he didn't deserve you. Maybe I'm kidding myself (probably!) but it helps keep things in perspective.

 

Having said all this, I hope it all works out for you, but what does Ms Lovelace want? A guy who hints that he might want more and makes her doubt every communication she has with him? Or a guy who she just knows likes her, calls her regularly so she doesn't have to worry about what she said, how often she said it and so on, Ms Lovelace should want a possible romance to go smoothly so that she doesn't fret that each communication will turn him off in some way. If a guy likes you, he'll just like you and it will be easy without all the why's what's and so on.

[LoveLace]

Ronni, the text idea....he and I don't even have each other's phone # for that! No one's offered it up. In that way, I'm not stepping things up any more or less than he. Maybe that just means we are on the same page, not a bad thing.

 

Kam, when I said I don't meet a guy every time I go out, that's not a complaint of mine, I was explaining to those who say "go line up other dates!", why that's just not how it works for me, otherwise I would do it. I enjoy the time with my friends weather I meet guys there or not. I've spent all summer long, actually, doing nothing but enjoying some time off and LOTS of time with friends and doing things I don't normally get to do. I'll ALWAYS be that way, guys or no guys. I"m not disappointed if I don't have guys lining up for me. But it would be nice to meet good ones more often that I do, for sure. Sure, I have a girl friend with like 10 guys who all want her BAD, and that might seem fun on the surface, but I don't think she'll ever settle because of it...like she's never happy enough, and she's had plenty opportunities to be perfectly happy with a perfectly good person. I haven't had near as many of those...and I"m glad to say it! When I see how indecisive it makes her, I can't stand it...

 

KMT I know what you mean. I don't have C's # to text or call if I even wanted to, but in the past I've been there, so I can tell that C has had no problem with chatting with me. Doesn't necessarily mean he's all about me, but I certainly get an impression that he's NOT all about me, either...which is actually, a totally fine place to be, considering I've never viewed him romantically before, until now. I think right now is a time to lay low - but I might see him again in 2 weeks, 3 weeks, or more, you never know what could happen.

 

By no means do I feel that I can "trick" a guy like C into wanting me! But I can like him and flirt with him. I didn't "trick" him into staring at me all night and sitting next to me for every 5 minute break he had off stage; it was a club full, but the only person I saw him speak to, at all, was me...However, we don't want a guy to think that we ARE tricking them. That's why it's either back down right now, or make a major move. I'm thinking choice A?

[shadowplay]

LL, girl, you need to chill out. I've been in your shoes before, and you may not realize it but you're oozing desperation. I remember you writing elsewhere that you're freaking out about finding a partner because of your age. I can really relate to that feeling, as well as the feeling of not running into many guys because you don't get out much. But you can't think that way. You just can't, because it will kill you and kill any romantic prospects you might have.

 

Basically, face your fears, and realize that they're not as tragic as you may believe. You fear that you'll be single all your life. Even if that came to pass, and I doubt it would, it wouldn't be the end of the world. You don't need a man to be happy. I know it's cliche but you need to strengthen your own identity, so that you don't need the completion of a guy. I get the sense that's what you're looking for. In fact, I'm sure that's why many of your past relationships have failed. Neediness is a relationship killer. Forget about guys. Stop scheming and obsessing. I've been there, done that and it's wasted energy. Don't waste your life girl!

 

The only person you can control is yourself. You can't make other people like you, and you shouldn't wait around for them to see the light. Trying to control things you have no control over will only bring you grief. The world is your oyster if you want it to be, but you can't bark up the wrong trees.

 

Just forget guys. Write this guy off. I don't think he's interested. He would have made a move by now.

[Ariadne]

LL,

 

Here is an advice for you to find guys easily.

 

What you have to do is become skeleton skinny or somewhat close to that.

 

Say, if you are 5'3" then weigh 120 lbs, if you are taller, then 125 but that's about it.

 

Just starve and then you'll have guys to pick from.

 

That's the only thing they care about.

[BentSpine]

Take heart, Ariadne: For me a 5'4 woman weighing 128 pounds would be ideal.

 

But just as important as a woman's body shape is that she gets my sense of humour. If she does, I'm ready to give a plain faced woman a chance to see if physical attraction will grow with time.

[Green]

on top of the not being fat thing and being genuine I hope she enjoys to put out. aint I a charmer!

[LoveLace]

LL,

 

Here is an advice for you to find guys easily.

 

What you have to do is become skeleton skinny or somewhat close to that.

 

Say, if you are 5'3" then weigh 120 lbs, if you are taller, then 125 but that's about it.

 

Just starve and then you'll have guys to pick from.

 

That's the only thing they care about.

 

Nah, I don't think so...lol...I'm thin enough, I'm happy with my body and my looks, despite the flaws...but those are only noticeable to me, so who cares...there is always someone much hotter, but so what...I've been told I'm "hot" enough times in my life that I must not have too much to worry about there! I have bad and better days about my looks though, I think that's everyone.

 

Shadowplay, scheming and obsessing? Scheming what, exactly? I just like the guy, gimmee a break! How much "scheming" can a person do just on My Space, for god sakes. I guess there is a way, cuz you said you've "been there" before...It really P*sses me off, that just because people come here to talk about something, and share every thought they have about it, they get accused of "obsessing". I guess you don't realize that I only talk about this kind of matter HERE, and no where else, with no one else, because this is supposed to be the kind of place that allows you to do so; without being judged as something you are not.

 

I haven't heard from the guy in 3 days...but I'm not freaking about it. It's not the end of the f*king world if we don't hang out again...right now, it's just old friends back in touch. It isn't like I'm stopping my life to wait for the guy to like me more! I stop to read his messages if he sends me one, that's about it! And I say I might go to another show in a couple weeks or more, but the chances of me actually following through on that? Slim; hell that was a girl friend's idea, not mine. Maybe it was obvious to them that he was "so into me" THAT night, but it doesn't mean he still is. However, things can go any way. My mom's boyfriend knew her for 3 years before he finally asked her out. They were always just friends, like C and I always have been. All I've done is hinted that I'm interested (a lot more after seeing him again, than before seeing him)..and he can take it from here.

 

I had my moment where I wanted to break down and ask him out, but that passed pretty quick, thank god. And as of now nothing is happening, so there's nothing to "obsess" over. I have a lot of other obligations to think about, and I've never, EVER put any of them ahead of ANY guy. And I do have moments when I think I"m doomed to be alone, but I"m not in one of those phases right now. I think many single people go through that feeling on occasion. In the past, I've put a lot more weight onto my love life than necessary. But I've learned not to feel that pressure anymore. I'm having fun with whatever I get, whenever it comes...this whole thing with C will probably fade and be minimized to a my space kind of friendship...that's where it is already, and it's the worst case scenario. I do like him, but I have nothing to complain about right now, nor feel the need to rush something that might not even be there. Whatever it is, it's in a good place, whatever place it's meant to be in, if there's ever more to it, it'll happen on its own. I don't feel there is anything I can do to "scheme" him, or anyone else, into anything. I just be myself; and I'm a very talkative, flirty person. So at times I catch myself saying or doing something I might regret. I easily get anxiety about little things. But most of the time I see my way through it...now I"m babbling about absolutely nothing,....see! I type close to 100 words per minute, and my mind is always racing....but if you let that show here on LS, you will get called "obsessive".

[shadowplay]

Shadowplay, scheming and obsessing? Scheming what, exactly? I just like the guy, gimmee a break! How much "scheming" can a person do just on My Space, for god sakes. I guess there is a way, cuz you said you've "been there" before...It really P*sses me off, that just because people come here to talk about something, and share every thought they have about it, they get accused of "obsessing". I guess you don't realize that I only talk about this kind of matter HERE, and no where else, with no one else, because this is supposed to be the kind of place that allows you to do so; without being judged as something you are not.

 

I had my moment where I wanted to break down and ask him out, but that passed pretty quick, thank god. And as of now nothing is happening, so there's nothing to "obsess" over. I have a lot of other obligations to think about, and I've never, EVER put any of them ahead of ANY guy. And I do have moments when I think I"m doomed to be alone, but I"m not in one of those phases right now. I think many single people go through that feeling on occasion. In the past, I've put a lot more weight onto my love life than necessary. But I've learned not to feel that pressure anymore. I'm having fun with whatever I get, whenever it comes...this whole thing with C will probably fade and be minimized to a my space kind of friendship...that's where it is already, and it's the worst case scenario. I do like him, but I have nothing to complain about right now, nor feel the need to rush something that might not even be there. Whatever it is, it's in a good place, whatever place it's meant to be in, if there's ever more to it, it'll happen on its own. I don't feel there is anything I can do to "scheme" him, or anyone else, into anything. I just be myself; and I'm a very talkative, flirty person. So at times I catch myself saying or doing something I might regret. I easily get anxiety about little things. But most of the time I see my way through it...now I"m babbling about absolutely nothing,....see! I type close to 100 words per minute, and my mind is always racing....but if you let that show here on LS, you will get called "obsessive".

 

Say what you will, but when you devote at least two threads to the minutiae of your interactions with a guy who hasn't even asked you out yet, it comes off as a little obsessive. You are also very defensive, which makes me think I hit a nerve. I'm not criticizing you for it. I'm the queen of obsession, but I think you'd be happier if you just forgot about him completely and tried not to fixate on particular guys in the future. Good luck.

[LoveLace]

Today, I'm obsessing over what to wear to tonight...to a kid's 3rd birthday party! There will be no one single there, but I like to look my best...I also obsessed over what to get as a present...I'm also in the middle of planning a baby shower for a friend...for everything I get invited to, I go...(long as I can)...my life revolves around friends, family, and nursing school. C is not part of that rotation...no guy is...unless he's wined me and dined me to death...lol