Am I being unreasonable?

[kchiapet95]

I have a friend who has made some mistakes when choosing a romantic partner. I've definitely had my fair share of mistakes too, so I understand. She's the type of person who needs to talk on the phone for hours when she is going through drama, and she consistently has drama. At first I always tried to be there for her, but then quickly realized that it was sapping my energy and limited those long conversations to the times when I knew I could handle it.

 

She has been in an on/again off again relationship with her child's father for years now and it is currently off again. In the meantime, a friend of hers introduced her to another man. She started talking to him, hung out with him and slept with him...all within 2 weeks. She claims she is "over" her ex. I am not one to judge, because as I've said, I've made my fair share of mistakes. But I just see this ending in major heartache, and I can't bear to watch her go down this road, not just for herself, but for my own sanity. I know that she'll call me, crying, wanting to stay on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, and I can't do it. I told her that I was concerned with the choices she was making, and I told her why I felt that way, and then I told her that I didn't want to speak of it any more.

 

She told me she respected my decision. But then today she continued to talk about this new guy, and I would steer the conversation to different topics. Finally she said, "I feel like you aren't happy for me, you don't want to talk about him." I reiterated my feelings, and she told me that she felt I was being hypocritical, since she had been supportive of me when I made bad choices, and that I should be happy for her because she's happy even though I do not approve. I feel that I should not have to feel stress because of her decisions, and I know eventually it's going to lead to that...she'll call me when I want to go to bed to "talk", and I just can't handle it! I consider myself the type of person that withdraws when I go through crisis, I don't usually call other people and talk for long periods of time, so I felt like she was comparing apples to oranges.

 

I know I'm long-winded so bottom line: am I being unreasonable? Should I have allowed her to talk about the guy and try to swallow my frustration, or did I do the right thing in backing off?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It sounds like your friend is an emotional vampire, sucking on your energy. Consider whether you even want to continue the friendship with her. There's nothing wrong with dropping excess weight from your life.

[kchiapet95]

I think you're right. It's constant drama, and I just can't deal with it anymore. I tried to be polite about it, but she just pushed her agenda.

 

My problem is, I'm trying to balance being a good friend with also looking out for myself. There was a time in the past when I gave too much of myself and found myself frustrated, and I'm trying to balance that and still be a good friend.

 

Maybe it won't work with her.

[TogetherForever]

I think you're right. It's constant drama, and I just can't deal with it anymore. I tried to be polite about it, but she just pushed her agenda.

 

My problem is, I'm trying to balance being a good friend with also looking out for myself. There was a time in the past when I gave too much of myself and found myself frustrated, and I'm trying to balance that and still be a good friend.

 

Maybe it won't work with her.

 

 

Seems like it's time to move on from this friendship Kchia!!!

TF

[Ronni_W]

I feel that I should not have to feel stress because of her decisions, and I know eventually it's going to lead to that...she'll call me when I want to go to bed to "talk", and I just can't handle it!

It sounds as if you are trying to protect yourself from what you are expecting will be the (future) outcome of her current relationship -- am I getting that right?

 

Of course there is the chance that they will surprise everyone, and your expectation will not be met. Regardless, yes, you totally do get to choose for yourself what conversations and topics you engage in.

 

A different solution may be to set aside some time for both of you to "gush" about current loves -- say 5 or 15 minutes each. And then the topic changes and stays changed.

 

Certainly you can be encouraging and supportive without having to be bored to tears by single-topic conversations -- you could let her know that her perception that you're not happy for her is coming from an inaccurate and incomplete assessment of the WHOLE relationship between the two of you. That you ARE happy for her, and do not need to subject yourself to situations/experiences you don't enjoy or feel comfortable with, just to prove it.

 

There's also an opportunity for you to become more assertive -- if, in the future, she calls at your bedtime, you can learn how to say, "Sorry, we gotta do this tomorrow (or 'on Saturday')"...and NOT feel guilty about that.

 

We never need to feel guilty about taking care of our own needs and wants, in ways that are "healthy" and appropriate.

[kchiapet95]

I am trying to protect myself from what I expect to be the outcome, yes. It is possible, but not probable that she will surprise me. I've known her for 5 years, and for 5 years it's been the same thing. I'm very skeptical.

 

I could try to set a limit, but that won't work. She is the type of person that talks on the phone for hours, and I'm usually the one to say, "Well, it's getting late, I have to go."

 

It's hard for me to even say I'm happy that she's happy. I want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy for the right reasons. I feel she is rushing this way too fast. She's not over her ex, and she has a child. I don't want to give TMI. But I just feel like because she has a child, she really needs to start growing up and making better choices. It's a great responsibility. I cannot in good faith say, "I'm happy that you're happy." I think she's making a mistake, and she has a child now and cannot afford to make these mistakes.

 

I just feel that I'm way too involved in her situation, I care and I don't want to see her go down the wrong path, but I'm caring to the point that I am letting her really upset me, and that's where I've got to draw the line and look out for myself.

 

ETA, the last line of your post is great. Thank you.

[Ronni_W]

I want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy for the right reasons. I feel she is rushing this way too fast. But I just feel like because she has a child, she really needs to start growing up and making better choices.

There are a few current threads about this similar attitude.

Unfortunately, it isn't up to us to decide for other people how they should be living their lives and conducting their affairs.

 

It is difficult to watch someone you care about go down what you perceive to be a self-destructive path. But there isn't anything you can do, reasonably and realistically, to stop them, either.

 

Your beliefs and feelings are accurate for you, and representative of your values and principles. But those standards aren't transferable to anyone else. That is, your friend gets to choose what is important for her...same as you get to choose for yourself.

 

I get that you want what's best for her. But you frustrate yourself when you don't accept that she doesn't share your view of what's best for her. Kind of, you're hoping that she'll use your thoughts and feelings about how she ought to be living her life instead of allowing her to live her life according to her own thoughts and feelings.

 

But what is totally within your own power and control is how you respond to her demands on your time, emotions and energy. Actually, that's the ONLY thing in which you really do have any say and influence. So that's where your ability to communicate assertively yet kindly can be really beneficial to you. (If she's going to see it as you being uncaring, non-supportive and whatever, that is her wrong thinking and her problem, really.)

[kchiapet95]

That's exactly how I was afraid of coming across. I don't want to be judgmental. I've been on the receiving end of that attitude, and it sucks. I'm not trying to judge her. I realize that she has to live her life and make her own choices. But as you said, I also don't have to let her drain my energy. And I'm not going to.

[vintagecat]

Set your limits in advance. If you have to go to work, school whatever in the morning or just want to get some sleep then tell her straight off at the beginning of the call that she has 10, 15 or whatever minutes and then you have to get off the phone. Remind her at 5 minutes prior that she has to wrap it up because you are going to have to hang up. And then do so with apologies at the appointed time.

 

I had a casual friend that started to do the kind of thing you are talking about but once I began setting limits after it appeared that a pattern was emerging and the trauma/drama wasn't just a transitional thing but rather a lifestyle, she stopped calling so much and then just stopped calling at all probably finding a more receptive ear to dump her troubles out on. I see her from time to time but have been spared the agonies of her defeats which are considerable.

 

If this is a true bosom friend and if the trauma is transitional rather than manufactured daily dramas, I would consider being a lot more generous with my time and emotional support to the point of giving more than I was inclined rather than less, but anything less than that deserves reasonable limits. This is a judgement call that you will have to make as far as the level of importance of your friendship and how much time and space you wish to give it.

[kchiapet95]

It's daily drama. I've known her for 5 years, and it's always something, and usually of her own making. She's a good person with a good heart. But she does have a lot of drama. She also can be very selfish. It's not a mean, intentional type of selfishness, but she gets so wrapped up in her constant drama and problems that she becomes insensitive to the needs of others.

 

We are in a cooling off period now, and if the friendship ever resumes, I've decided that it won't be what it was. I'll definitely hold her at arm's length, because I don't like these types of relationships.

[Phateless]

You just have to tell her outright. I'm in a similar situation with a friend and she's getting really pissed at me for how little (even though it's still quite a bit) of time i've been talking/spending with her lately. Now that I have a gf I'm a lot less available for her and she's really having a hard time understanding.

 

But that's not all. She always tries to "maneuver" to get what she wants and rarely ever just says it. I've been encouraging her to try this and she's gradually catching on, but I don't think she realizes how many of her problems are created by her because of the games she plays.

 

Give your friend support when you can, but you have to look out for yourself first. Nobody else is gonna.

 

Start by turning your phone off when you go to sleep.

[KinAZ]

I don't think you should pussyfoot around the matter. Everyone is different, and will receive things / interpret things differently, but I always think it best to be totally honest about things. I HATED trying to avoid calls in MY OWN HOME because someone was calling me with constant drama. Usually it was stuff that they didn't try to fix or didn't listen to the good advice given before. Eventually, I just had to let people know "hey, I already told you what I thought you should do. If this blows up in your face I'll simply say 'I told you so'." For those who were more sensitive, I had to let them know what I could NOT tolerate.

 

I think it is understandable that people get so wrapped up in their problems that they don't see the problems of others. Sometimes people just need a reminder. If it's something you just can't deal with you have to let her know very plainly. Because if you don't, you might eventually become very rude about it (if you haven't been already), as that tends to happen when we let things build up.

 

There are plenty of times when I didn't want to listen but forced myself to because I would not like it if people were not there for me when I needed to simply vent. Sometimes, it doesn't even matter if the other person is listening on the other end to every single word. Sometimes we just need to let it all out. I'm a venter. Maybe you could suggest a blog to her?

 

If there are certain things that you don't want to hear, just tell her very simply and be firm about it. With everything else, let her know the rules and try to listen. If she is a good friend, that means she has probably been there for you too, even if it wasn't for venting. Try empathizing with the situation when you can. Otherwise, let her know. Personally, I would not want to vent to someone who was merely rolling their eyes on the other end.

[kchiapet95]

I'm a venter too. But I think I spread the wealth. I try not to vent all the time to the same person, because they would get drained. I also say, "I'm just venting, I just need to let it out." With her it's, "Why does this happen to me all the time? I'm so stupid/I'm so sad...." etc. I have made suggestions, including that she go to therapy, but for one reason or another she chooses not to do it. Her problems are bigger than I can handle. I do consider myself empathetic, but she has way exceeded her limits. It's beyond salvaging.

 

I did let her know very plainly this was something I did not want to discuss, and she told me she thought I was being a bad friend and that I wasn't happy for her. I explained to her why I felt the way I felt, and she wanted to make a big argument about it...more drama. I've had it. It's not worth saving.

 

I thank everyone for their good advice.

 

ETA: I don't think it's right to get so wrapped up in yourself that you don't think about others, IMO. I often felt used when this would happen. I'd spend hours with her on the phone, listening to her, trying to help her, only to have her do something thoughtless to me (like missing my birthday celebration, a big deal to me because I never celebrated when I was younger) because she was caught up in her own problems. I think that's rude, and I don't think there's much excuse for it if it happens too often. There are always certain things that happen, illness, work stress that can be excused, but with her...constant drama. There's always something, and I just feel it's way too one sided for my liking. This blow up was the last straw.