What is wrong with me?

[spar9721]

As you can tell, I'm new here. I'm hoping for some advice or insight on what I should do about my situation.

 

I got married a year and a half ago. My husband and I wanted to have children right away, so we began trying immediately. We got pregnant right away, however, we ended up miscarrying....followed by a second miscarriage a few months later. We were also in the beginning stages of building a new home, so that added stress to the situation as well. After the second miscarraige, my husband told me he needed some time to regroup....he wanted to spend some time apart to 'get his head together' and focus on our marriage. This news came 3 days after my second miscarriage, and I was devastated. He moved into a home with some college buddies, and left me to pick up the pieces. I whole heartedly believed that he was over stressed and needed some time to himself, so I didn't press the issue. A few weeks after he moved out, he started staying out all night, partying with his buddies, and he began seeing someone else. I did not find out until a few months later.....it was a complete shock. Looking back, I should have seen it coming, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I was devastated. We decided to divorce, however, that was not what I wanted in the first place.

 

Now, here's the part I need help with. I have since started seeing a wonderful man that I have known for 5 years. Now that I have taken steps to move on, my husband suddenly now wants to work things out with me. He tells me he has completely cut off all ties to this other woman. Although I want to believe him, he has lied to me so much and destroyed any trust I have in him. He tells me I am his soulmate, and that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work (which is what I wanted from the beginning). The problem is that I still love him deeply (call me crazy)!! Now I am torn between the man I married (who hurt me deeply), and a great new man in my life who has done nothing but treat me wonderfully. I can't seem to let my husband go, but I don't want to end the new relationship that I have now either!! What in the world should I do?

 

I am open for any ideas, criticism, advise, opinions, etc......please help!

[Walk]

I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in partnering with people who show us through actions that they want the best for us. The people who support you, stand by you, are concerned for you, and take steps to make your life better.

 

Can you say that about your husband? Has he shown you that what he wants is to make your marriage work? What has he done to show that the man who abandoned you and took off with a floozy isn't going to bail when stuff gets tough again (and it will be TOUGH).

 

You really need to place logic ahead of emotion on this one. Logically, your husband has done every thing wrong that he can do. And only now, when you finally have a chance to find your own happiness has he come back. He doesn't want you. He just doesn't want anyone else to have you. Its not love.

 

I think your best bet in this situation is to explain the problem (as best you can and in as tactful a manner as possible) to the new man you've been seeing. He should be made aware that you're going to be dealing with this situation for a while, and he should be given the choice to continue dating you or not.

 

Also. I think your husband is a cheat and a liar who isn't going to change. I say this with some conviction because I cheated on my exH, and I know what steps a person would have to go through before they could break that cycle completely. Your husband hasn't changed. He'll deal with future issues the same way he's dealt with them in the past, he'll run. He hasn't had any great epiphony, any remorse he feels is not because he hurt you. If he really felt remorse for his actions then he would want you to be happy... regardless if that was with someone new. He would be driven by a desire to make amends, not stop you from seeking happiness with someoene else. He's being selfish, again. It is easy for your H to tell you what you want to hear. But what has he really done to prove he's learned from his mistakes? What has he sone to show you he's not the same man? Has he gone to counseling? This is still all about him and what he wants. Your the flavor of the moment. When that gets hard again, he'll find a new flavor.

 

Drop the husband. File for divorce. Go full No contact with your H. Set up counseling so you can deal with the pain and feelings you are feeling. You need to focus on you right now. Neither man is really what you need at this point. You need to get yourself back to a place where you feel happy and satisfied with your own life. You need to be selfish right now and grab what you need in order to be happy with your life. Being emotionally manipulated by your husband isn't on that list.

 

And post on here any time you need to.

[mark982]

a husband who tells you he wants to "find himself" only 3 days after you lost your child? lady, toss his useless butt out.

[InaPanic]

i can understand how you still have feelings for him,i mean, it's hard to just turn those feelings off. But I wouldnt' suggest you just let him take over your life again. I mean, you two are divorced now,right? Let him woo you again if you want. Make him prove himself first. I believe in second chances because I AM a second chance. But I do worry that his sudden interest again is due to the fact you've moved on. This is a tough decision & i wish you the best.

[manugeorge]

I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in partnering with people who show us through actions that they want the best for us. The people who support you, stand by you, are concerned for you, and take steps to make your life better.

 

.

 

This is good advice. We all go through tough times, but people who abandon you instead of working together to overcome the hard times are people who DON'T genuinely and truly love you.

 

Taking off to do his dirt and then coming back declaring undying love is BS, don't fall for it. Because when the going gets toughs again, as it ALWAYS does in life, what is he going to do?

 

Don't live your life looking over your shoulders, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[georgejungle]

I'll give you a simple answer and say NO, NO, NO.

 

DO NOT Take him back, please. He had his chance, the

pressure got too much for him, so he bailed on you. He

went and partied. How is that supportive towards You?

 

You want a guy like that? Seriously? Don't get sentimental

thinking about what you guys had with the wedding and

being married and all that, just MOVE ON. Don't fall

for any tricks, just be happy elsewhere. I don't understand

people who love people who have hurt them, like they're

afraid if they don't have that person, they'll never be complete,

even though that person left them in the dirt.

[spar9721]

Wow, thanks for all of the great advice everyone. My gut instinct has told me for a while to cut my losses, let it go and move on. I suppose the 'what if' factor and a little self doubt have kept me from cutting all ties with him. I am extremely bitter about everything that has happened, so hopefully I can work through all of it to keep it from hurting my future relationships.

 

We were together for 4 years before we got married.....you would have thought I would have seen some sort of sign, but it completely blind sided me!! I definitely have lived and learned in this case.

 

Thanks again for everyone's replies.