Respect & balance: How important is sex in a relationship, how important should it be

[win1234]

Hi,

 

As some of you know I am currently working on resolving issues and insecurities with my girlfriend. I would like to know how important is sex in a relationship, or how important should it be ? I know at the end of the day it varies from couple to couple.

At the beginning of the relationship, after a month or so, we started having sex. I enjoy having sex alot, and would have no problems in having sex everyday and at the beginning this is pretty much how it was, even sometimes 2-3 times a day. I am willing to explore and try different things, but I do not consider myself overly kinky ( No wips, hot-wax, etc ). My girlfriend however does not think sex is all that important, but she does enjoy it, but was scared to tell me only until we were 3-4 months into the relationship where she really just had enough.Once a week is plenty for her and does not really see why we should have it more frequently. Now this has caused some resentment, because of our differing views. Over the months I have changed alot, but find it very difficult. Now we are making love on average about 1-2 a week. She has told me that in the beginning she felt like a piece of meat, and I think there were times where i really just had sex because I had the urge and she just did it to keep me happy. I can understand and see now how I really did not listen to her and did not respect her feelings and for her it must have felt like I was just having sex with her to satisfy my own urges, however most of the time I always do my best to ask her what she enjoys most and likes to do while we make love, and she has and does initiate the first move at times. However she says she rarely gets a chance to make a move because pretty much everyday I would suggest sex to her first and make the move first. She says she enjoys making love with me. Also recently, she has been a little sore, without going into any details, so this has reduced the frequency even more. Now I know the right thing to do probably is to support her and give her knowledge that I am perfectly ok with not making love for a while. I know she needs to be able to know if anything were ever to happen whereby she could not make love, that I will stick by her, and at the end of the day its something we should both do and be able to enjoy. I guess to a certain extent I have grown up to believe that making love is the ultimate sign of desire for someone, and the best way to show that you love someone, but I think I am starting to see that there are more important things and ways to show your love. I dont know if its just my male hormones on overcharge or maybe I am trying to compensate for a lack of self-esteem and insecurity through sex ? Or maybe both ?

Maybe the only way I can feel validated and loved is through sex, but this to me seems like a very primal and simplistic method of validation ? What do you ladies think ?

 

W.

[vixen]

i think im in the same boat as you. My jon is absolutely fabulous at makeing love, but he seems not to have a large drive for it, mean while i want it 2 times daily if i can. LOL I love the closeness it brings me and him, i love the intamacy and hell the feel is great!!! But there is a down side to what you and i want, we can't presure our partners or they wont preform, and that could be even worse then waiting for them to get into it. I have coerced jon into makeing love 2 times now, and both times he was simply in it for my orgasims. Never once did he go till his completion. He gave me like 4 or 5 then was like, im too tyerd and layed back happy that i was happy. but i realy wasn't all that happy becouse i want him to too. It's not quite right unless he does.

 

Anywho my point is patiance is a virtue, and love makeing should be as natural as breathing. Set it aside, out of your mind, and just revel in the wonderful company of your beautiful lady.

 

Vixen

[midori]

You seem to really care about your girlfriend's wishes and well-being, which is great. And you're prepared to look at yourself and the way you try to be intimate, which is also great. So I guess I'm just a bit baffled that you weren't better attuned to your girlfriend's wishes when you were initiating lovemaking in the past.

 

It's hard to negotiate differing sex drives. But you shouldn't feel that you are abnormal or too focused on sex just because your gf isn't as into it as you are. You might want to consider whether your approach isn't attuned to her style. Do you just cut to the chase, so to speak, without any affectionate, non-sexual touching?

 

For me at least, and I think this holds for many women, sex is psychological as much as it is physical. I'm not (necessarily) suggesting that your gf wants to be inundated with melodramatic romantic gestures. But what if you tried to interact with her in an affectionate and intimate physical way: massage her neck or her feet, stroke her hair and massage her scalp. Do it and never make a move on her. Do it more than once, never making a move to escalate things. See what she does. Maybe she will never initiate sex in that context, but if she likes it you might find that she's more receptive to your advances later.

 

There is also the possibiliy that your gf has a hang-up about sex and what it represents. Or maybe not; but if she sees your sex drive as an imposition then I think that both of you need to look at yourselves to see how much you can change within you to accommodate the other. She shouldn't feel like she has to have sex just for your sake, but you shouldn't feel like you're too demanding for wanting to make love to her.

[win1234]

I understand what you mean. In the beginning she never told me that she did not like to make love as frequently as we did, maybe this is where she made an understandable mistake. She bottled up her resentment, for fear that she may lose me if she said anything. But eventually she cracked. And of course me thinking she was no longer attracted to me, took it the wrong way. ( In this relationship I have never ever learned so much that communication is so very important in a relationship ). Sometimes I did just did cut straight to the chase, but othertimes I would offer to go down on her, massage her whole body, find out where she likes to be touched, etc ,. I think she would like to see that sex is not just something for me to satisfy my needs, but ultimately a way of me showing that I want to make her feel good. She says that she knows that everytime we have sex I will enjoy it, but sometimes she will just not be in the mood or tired, etc - which I in the past have mistakenly assumed that she then does not love me or want me. But this is not the case, its just for very practical reasons, normal reasons, that sometimes she may not feel like having sex.This I am learning to understand now. She knows I will never say no to sex if she offers it. Sometimes when she was sore she would still continue, becasue she said she wanted to make me happy. I guess this is where i should have stopped and said NO, because at the end of the day I would have my satisfaction, but she would not have the same pleasure, so I should have stopped and been patient with her. I know that would have been the best way to show her I care about her. She has told me that she has seen that I have changed, which is nice. I really enjoy making love to her, and plenty of times we have had meaningfull sex. I just find it difficult to balance out my needs with hers. How far do I go ? How much of my own needs to I sacrifice ? I think we nearly have the balance right. She knows how much I enjoy making love, and well pretty much every week we do make love. I think if I stop suggesting for sex everyday, she will make a move, and has done it the past, and jokingly has said " All good things come to those who wait " and I know she enjoys alot more then because its not something I have asked for, but we can then both make love knowing its for the two of us. What do you ladies respect most in a guy in relation to the sexual side of things ?

 

Thanks