he loves me, he loves me not

[baby_A]

Been going steady for 7 months, exchanged I love you's at 4 months.

 

He is always telling me how strong his feelings are for me, talks of our future together, hinting at marriage in the future.

 

Lately every other weekend we have a little tiff, usually about him saying he will do something and doesn't, or doesn't do something he should, or my reaction to the tone or way he is talking to me and his reactions to my reactions-usually over the phone, occasionally when we are together.

 

These things are quite rare and very short but lately have been happening regularly. But they are no big deal to me. I accept that in a relationship little things go wrong, reactions run high, all for different reasons, stress, hormones whatever.

 

But last night we had such a small tiff and he charged off annoyed and gave me such a contemptuous look. I asked him why he was looking at me this way and he said he didn't know about us and all these little fights or huffs over small things.

 

I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know how he felt anymore.

 

We talked about it and what came out was that he is upset because I come from another country and may go back one day, maybe end of next year and he wondered what would happen with us.

 

We had talked of this in the beginning of our relationship and he was fine with it. He even considered until recently, that it was possible he might come too since he is from that country and likes it too.

 

While we talked he said he does love me. Or his actual words were he 'has' love fore me. Which is a change of tune after deep I love yous.

 

I am not sure if I want to go back to my country or not, but I do know I love it there.

 

But last night he said he could never live there, that there was more money in the current country. And I suspect his family and friends keep him here too.

 

He is worried we will break eachothers heart if one day I want to go back and he doesn't want his heartbroken again.

 

But I don't know what to do or say or even understand how he feels.

 

I don't know if I want to stay here, at the moment I miss home.

 

I don't know if he proposed to me one day if I'd choose him over my country.

 

I don't know if We should break up now because of all this uncertainty, i personally don't want to, i think if you love someone you compromise and you cross bridges when you come to them. I don't know how I will feel in a years time about him, home or anything.

 

But it obviously bothers him and he seems to want to save future heartbreak, or he wants some kind of guarantee from me that I can't really give.

 

But we will both feel heartbreak now if we break up since we do love eachother. Apart from these little tiffs that mean nothing we have such a wonderful time together, there is so much love, affection, a special connection.

 

I don't know if these little tiffs are making him lose his feelings for me, if he truly loved me surely you can't lose some love because of such things.

 

Or maybe the tiffs come about because of his fear of our future.

 

I am confused and don't know what to do about it all. He is the first man who ever loved me so deeply, treated me in such a special loving way and I love him so much.

 

But i can't give promises I can't keep, and the thought of us breaking up now to save some future event from breaking our hearts that may not even happen is causing me not to function. I am so down and crying so much I can't stop.

 

I really don't know what to do about it all, I don't know what to think about his feelings for me, are they really going or is it his fear and self-protection and will love win and what can I do about it all....

[clia]

I don't know if these little tiffs are making him lose his feelings for me, if he truly loved me surely you can't lose some love because of such things.

 

This is what it sounds like, based on what you've written. You can lose love over "tiffs," especially early on in the relationship.

 

What strikes me is that you seem to be the root cause of the "tiffs."

 

Lately every other weekend we have a little tiff, usually about him saying he will do something and doesn't, or doesn't do something he should, or my reaction to the tone or way he is talking to me and his reactions to my reactions-usually over the phone, occasionally when we are together.

 

So he says he will do something, doesn't, and you get mad?

He doesn't do sometime he "should," and you get mad?

You react to his tone or the way he talks to you angrily?

 

You have every right to communicate with him and express your feelings, but I wonder if you are picking fights over minutia. I wonder if you are beginning to feel like a nag to him. That kind of thing can definitely diminish feelings of love, especially when it is happening frequently.

 

Or maybe the tiffs come about because of his fear of our future.

 

I think the fear of the future has arisen because of the tiffs. You might consider taking a look at what you are starting fights over. Are you being too sensitive? Does it really matter in the grand scheme if he forgot to do X?

[baby_A]

4 or 5 tiffs in 7 months is a nag and causes people who love you to fall out of love with you?

 

Even if they occured every other weekend.

 

What happens when you are in a marriage?

 

I hate to think that I cannot express myself when someone treats me or talk to me in a way I don't like or don't deserve.

 

Like not wanting to wait for me to fix my hair before we go out because its hot, him going home to put on some shorts and saying he'll be back to pick me up shortly and then calling 3 hours later to say he will pick me up in another 3 hours while I am sitting in a hot room all dressed up.

 

Or talking to me harshly while I am making breakfast for no reason.

 

Or trying to take over our holiday plans for me to see my family and ordering me to go on a 5 day cruise in a bossy won't take no for an answer tone, out of two weeks when I haven't seen my family for a year.

 

He called earlier to apologise for yesterday but i am still hurting.

 

Clia, I know in essence you are right, I do react abruptly to these things, mostly I am calm when he does things but being spoken to harshly or in a certain tone by the man I love, the man I am there for causes me to react in a huffy way sometimes.

 

I am not a counsellor, psychologist or anything, I am human. I cannot always react perfectly.

 

But I don't want to be a meek person allowing someone to get away with treating me in a way that is upseting me without speaking out.

 

I don't want to be afraid of exressing myself because he will fall out of love with me.

 

Isn't being in a relationship supposed to keep love strong by being able to get through the good and the bad? Being able to be honest and communicate and make effort? Respecting eachother and treating eachother with respect?

 

I didn't stop loving him when he talked rough to me, when he was inconsiderate, I loved him and communicated my feelings.

 

And since he always says he loves me deeply I cannot comprehend him losing love for me over afew tiffs.

 

I really hope you are wrong clia...because if people stop loving you over such small things there is no hope for love at all.

[niko1999]

Well, if these little tifts are happeneing more often, then I hate to tell you, but it sounds as if the "honeymoon" period is over. The part where you do constantly tell eachother that you love each other SOOO much. You need to start WORKING on the relationship, and unforunately, this is the part that is going to make or break your relationship, and youll discover how you actually feel.

[NEONINK]

http://www.aligningaction.com/stages.htm

 

Just google search for stages of relationships.

 

Wow... do I remember the "tif" time. Eventually it stops, and at least you have identified you are having spats for probably small things. Pick your battles, and only the large ones are worth a fight. Hopefully, there won't be any large ones.

 

The little petty things, are just that. Petty.

 

Each of you is taking off your masks and showing the real you. Sometimes you might be afraid the other person won't like the real you. Don't worry about. We don't want to live with masks. Be yourself, get the emotions in check, forget about the petty, and be happy.

[baby_A]

Thanx you guys. Your posts made me feel much better.

 

In our talk yesterday we talked about our tiffs being about little things and both promised to make an effort not to let that happen.

[clia]

I really hope you are wrong clia...because if people stop loving you over such small things there is no hope for love at all.

 

This isn't what I'm saying at all. But when the honeymoon period ends, some people don't like being with people who are constantly picking fights. I think you also need to consider whether you want to be with him anymore, given his harsh words and orders.

 

But I don't want to be a meek person allowing someone to get away with treating me in a way that is upseting me without speaking out.

 

I don't think you need to be. I'm just not sure that everything you mentioned warranted a "tiff."

 

Like not wanting to wait for me to fix my hair before we go out because its hot, him going home to put on some shorts and saying he'll be back to pick me up shortly and then calling 3 hours later to say he will pick me up in another 3 hours while I am sitting in a hot room all dressed up.

 

You know what I would've done here? When he wasn't over "shortly," I would've taken my fixed up, cute looking self out somewhere else. There's no excuse for this, but I can't believe you sat around waiting for him to come back for three hours. Doesn't have to turn into a "tiff." You aren't in the wrong when he is six hours late. Actions speak much louder than words.

 

Or talking to me harshly while I am making breakfast for no reason.

 

Was he cranky? Having a bad day? Stressed about work issues? Have you ever snapped at someone for no good reason because you feel stressed or irritable? Everyone does this. You could have playfully told him not to be such an Oscar the Grouch, which would have avoided a "tiff." But if you don't want to be with someone who does this, maybe you need to reconsider how you feel about him.

 

Or trying to take over our holiday plans for me to see my family and ordering me to go on a 5 day cruise in a bossy won't take no for an answer tone, out of two weeks when I haven't seen my family for a year.

 

He can't order you to do anything. All you have to do is tell him you are going to see your family. End of story. Doesn't have to be a "tiff." If he doesn't understand, then again, maybe you need to reconsider how you feel about him.

[Baby_A]

Clia

 

I did go out on the three hour wait thing after 2 hours in a hot room. I was out sipping a cool drink when he finally called but I was still annoyed and told him he was rude...

 

I did playfully answer at first in the grouchy breakfast but he carried on throughout the whole breakfast so I snapped.

 

And I put him in his place about the holiday.

 

I guess I react to the huff he gets into (when I did the above) with a huff...and two huffs in my eyea tiff

 

Basically, I feel I'd like our relationship to be on probation now...

 

Maybe we are not right for eachother. If its a phase, fine, we'll try and get through it, if it continues...then maybe its better to end it.

 

I am old enough to know you can love someone and not have to be with them if the reality of being together is not making either one in the relationship happy.

 

Thankyou everyone for there help.