The Old Porno Argument!

[2nd-Best]

First of all, I would like to bring to your attention a previous thread which I read yesterday for support on my current situation.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=89003

 

Now onto mine,

 

First of all I am a 25 year old female, I am a model/musician/artist and I work in finance, so I'm not unnatractive and I'm not an idiot and NO I do not think there is anything wrong with ME.

 

About my relationship, I started dating a childhood friend recently, we got together about 7 months ago and fell in love quite quickly.. I've known him for 16 years so It wasnt as hard and didnt seem as strange to fall in love so fast with someone you felt you already knew for such a long time.

 

The first two months when we were just dating we probably had sex a total of 6-8 times, and we were together almost EVERY day! This was a bit of a problem but I just sort of rolled with it hoping that it would improve.

Once we actually became bf/gf we went a period of close to TWO months without having sex.. TWO MONTHS!!! let me say this again TWO MONTHS (by the way hes 25 years old as well, should have the sex drive of a rabbit)

So, I bring it up to him and I let him know that I am not satisfied with this relationship (sexually) and I try to let him understand that he can talk to me about whatever it is that I may be doing or NOT doing to help him, by the way he had a bit of a drug problem at the beginning which I pegged the sex problem on (special k) until his sister in law told me that, this has been going on far longer than him and I,... and ex gfs had complained about the same thing.

 

So, after I tell him if things don't improve eventually that I cannot continue on this relationship, Because I'm willing to wait but only if I beleive that there would actualy be change... so Things DO start to improve and we start to do it 2-3 times a week.. THAT to me was amazing!! from going from nothing at all... even though im used to ex's not being able to keep there hands off me and having sex 4 times a day every day.. but liek I said any improvement was good for me.

 

So I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I do not like porn, I think that its degrading to woman, its made just for men because really in what world does a woman want 13 guys standing around her making her choke on there dicks? while cumming in her eye balls (that stings and you look like you have pink eye for a few days afterwards, not that i would know or anything tehe

 

So I told him that my ex husband and I had MAJOR problems with porn, mostly due to the fact that my husband did nothing but jerk off all day to it while i was at work supporting the both of us, and also after i had surgery and i was sick.

I told him, that I KNOW that hes not going to stop watching it but for my sake and my sanity and my feelings please dont watch it all the time considering we barely have sex as it is, and if he is going to watch it to please dont leave it open on his laptop for me to see when im checking my emails and to please NOT download it when im over at his house.. because its rude and disrespectful to me.

 

He aggreed said that he would do any of those things to spare my feelings, even after I didnt even ask him to QUIT porn, which I would really prefer but I know will never happen... He did it anyways.

I was at his house laying in bed, and he was sitting on his couch downloading porn, when he left the room i went to check my mail and saw it open, I just closed it and didnt say anything and later he knew what was wrong wit hme and asked me about it, we got into a fight and broke up for a bout 2 days.. not long.

 

We get back together, I tell him how it makes me feel that he obviously is haivng sexual thoughts but not about or for me because I'm 10 feet away and hed rather watch some (by the way ugly low budget zits on the ass girls) girls on a screen then come over an initiate something with me.

 

He understand why im upset after I tell him " what if i did that to you" that usually seems to work with men, mainly my bf in general.. and he said he would do that to me again out of respect.

 

so 4 months go by or so, i know he watches porn i dont say anythign about it.. even though it eats at me a bit each time i run across it.. our sex life is doing OKAY i guess, then we move in together about a month ago, we are living together we are pretty fresh in our relationship and we are young we should be doing it in every room... we lived together over a week and a half before we had sex, and then when we did it was after a fight, thats when he seems to want to do it the most.

 

Last friday He took off work and said he wasnt feeling very good, he stayed home and played poker all day online and talked to me on msn, his sister in law told me he was drinking beer..at 10am by the way, and when i get home i look at the laptop to see what he was really doing and he was watching porn ALLLLLLLLLLLL ****ING DAY!!! I'm talking from when I left for work until just before I got home from work, I found some stuff about Barely legal teen and Teen girl gets gang banged or something ****ing crude liek that, i looked at it to see what he was trying to watch and noticed that thse barely legals who are prob about 18 look like 13-14 year old girls in pigtails and school girl type outfits... THIS is what set me off, I probably wouldnt have said anythign about the porn, and if i had i wouldnt have really gotten that mad i would have just been a bit bitter but this **** he was watching that looks like little girls just SET ME OFF! I told him that I am young and I shouldnt be made to feel like I hve to compete with children, I shouldnt have to feel like I'm too old for him cause he would rather give it to some kid... and I told him that it was sick behaviour for him to be looking at **** liek that and if he had a daughter he would probably shoot a man for looking at her or subjecting his to that kind fo thing... we fought for a few days, then made up and he said he wouldnt watch that **** anymore, he actually told me that he wouldnt watch porn all together anymore but I told him that was not necessary and that I just didnt liek the teen **** because I felt it was perverted (not in the way all porn is peverted but pedophile perverted) and he aggreed.

 

SOOOO we have sex I think the next day after we make up, twice in one day and THAT is ALOT for us!! lol and then the other day Im in the shower and I have this weird feeling hes up to something weird because he turns the sound off on his laptop when he was playing poker and listening to music, I get out of the shower and go lay down and he comes into the room kisses me on the head and go goes back to the livignroom, the next day I find out that while i was in the shower he was watching PORNO again, while i was home instead of coming to me for it.

 

He obviously has addiction issues to it, he has all kinds of addiction issues, porn/gambling/drugs/alcohol.

which the alcohol consumption has been minimal once we started getting more serious because i rarely drink, and the drugs aswell because I wont tolerate it.. and the gambling thing I dont surpress because its pretty harmless unless hes spending all his money on it then i would step in, but the porn thing is affecting our relationship.. hes become desensitized to real sex, and when he watches porn alot of the tme he doenst even masterbate.. that there is a tell tail sign that there is something wrong.. its all mental with him, hes formed this obsession with images of things which I find degrading.. even though I do whatever he wants in the bedroom as far as oral sex, any positions he wants and pretty much whatever hole he wants aswell... as crude as that sounds... but hed rather watch some girl getting fisted .. im talking like two big fists in the vagina or the ass, or some girl being choked by a penis until she almost throws up, I sometiems prefer that he watch this stuff then try it on me..

 

But its all now affecting me not only physically but emotionally, Im numbing myself to hurt less, Im thinking of doing things out of spite to show him how it feels so he can know what its like if I would rather look at other men and fantasize about other people then about actually having sex with him, but then i think to myself that im a much better person than that and as I dont deserve to feel this way neither does he, even though he is the one inflicting the pain on me.

 

So anyways, that is my story...

 

So long I know, so what do you all think of this situation??

[redfathom]

I can relate 100%. I am sorry anyone has to go through this. It was/is so bad in my marriage that I thought I had miscarried and had to go to the doctors, I left work early (15 min) only to come home and find my H wacking off...I too had the same thoughts, why not wait until I come home, I mean seriously 15 min. And also, that it was insesnsative that of all days to do that, he chose that day. Then because I was mad he asked me if he should stay home and let me go to the doctors myself...uhhhh, WTF. I think I miscarried (we were not trying to get pregnant or anything and I didn't, but the doctors thought I may have) and he wants to stay home and let me go to the doctors myself. It got so bad that he could not longer get an erection (with me ut still looked at porn a few times a week) that happened for a few months, but is better now. I too am young (26) and very pretty, my H tells me how sexy I am all the time and guys hit on me.

 

All I can say is, get out while you can. I am married that just makes things more complicated. You're not married and things will most likely not get better.

[norajane]

It does not sound like the two of you will ever stop arguing about porn. Unless he voluntarily chooses to seek help with ALL of his addictions, I don't see this relationship turning into a healthy, loving one.

 

I'm sorry - I'm sure you were hoping someone had an answer, but it has to come from him. And, like all his other addictions, he might hear you, but he will ultimately do what he wants.

[Jersey Shortie]

I seriously don't know what is wrong with men now-a-days. I think porn addiction is much greater problem then it is though. I think more men are addicted to porn to some varying degree, then not.

 

We jsut want our men to love us and make us feel special and they want to look at porn of women being treated less then human.

 

I would also suggest getting out as he has alot of issues he needs to clean up on his own. And if he can't clean them up, you really deserve a man that will act like a man and not a little boy.

[redfathom]

I too told my H how much it hurt my feelings, I mean I would cry when we would fight about it and one day he said: "I don't care, you just need to get over it!" I cried so hard about that I almost threw up! Of course, this came after him saying he would stop months before, etc.

 

Then it turned into him telling me that my insecurites and trust issues would ruin our relationship and that I had to get over it or he would leave (they were threats). I also caught him on an escort site, which he said he just looked at for the pictures. Sorry hun, I have been dealing with this for eight years and yeah, things are better, but nothing has changed. Well, I guess I have, I just stopped caring so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

He obviously has addiction issues to it, he has all kinds of addiction issues, porn/gambling/drugs/alcohol.

which the alcohol consumption has been minimal once we started getting more serious because i rarely drink, and the drugs aswell because I wont tolerate it.. and the gambling thing I dont surpress because its pretty harmless unless hes spending all his money on it then i would step in, but the porn thing is affecting our relationship.. hes become desensitized to real sex, and when he watches porn alot of the tme he doenst even masterbate.. that there is a tell tail sign that there is something wrong.. its all mental with him, hes formed this obsession with images of things which I find degrading.. even though I do whatever he wants in the bedroom as far as oral sex, any positions he wants and pretty much whatever hole he wants aswell... as crude as that sounds... but hed rather watch some girl getting fisted .. im talking like two big fists in the vagina or the ass, or some girl being choked by a penis until she almost throws up, I sometiems prefer that he watch this stuff then try it on me..

 

But its all now affecting me not only physically but emotionally, Im numbing myself to hurt less, Im thinking of doing things out of spite to show him how it feels so he can know what its like if I would rather look at other men and fantasize about other people then about actually having sex with him, but then i think to myself that im a much better person than that and as I dont deserve to feel this way neither does he, even though he is the one inflicting the pain on me.

 

So anyways, that is my story...

 

So long I know, so what do you all think of this situation??

Your issues have about as much to do with porn as the war in Iraq has to do with WMD. You've chosen a partner that is deceitful, closed off, unresponsive, uncaring and mal-adjusted. If he stopped looking at naked women tomorrow, do you this this would magically all get better ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[redfathom]

Mr. Lucky, do you think all of the other additions she mentioned are also because of these things: deceitful, closed off, unresponsive, uncaring and mal-adjusted?

 

But the porn is the only thing that is not an addiction?

[You'reasian]

So, I bring it up to him and I let him know that I am not satisfied with this relationship (sexually) and I try to let him understand that he can talk to me about whatever it is that I may be doing or NOT doing to help him, by the way he had a bit of a drug problem at the beginning which I pegged the sex problem on (special k) until his sister in law told me that, this has been going on far longer than him and I,... and ex gfs had complained about the same thing.

 

I'm against illegal drug use, especially if it is addictive. I believe you should get him some counselling for this and get him drug tested as soon as you can.

 

What kind of work does he do again?

 

Most jobs that require their employees to be in the right state of mind usually require their employees to undergo random drug testing - hair, urinalysis etc.

 

 

 

So I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I do not like porn, I think that its degrading to woman, its made just for men because really in what world does a woman want 13 guys standing around her making her choke on there dicks? while cumming in her eye balls (that stings and you look like you have pink eye for a few days afterwards, not that i would know or anything tehe .

 

Well, you've stated your preference for him not looking at porn. If he's still into it, you have to talk with him about this....but why would you turn around and make this joke about getting sperm in your eye? You're coming across a little hypocritical unless you're trolling.

 

 

 

He obviously has addiction issues to it, he has all kinds of addiction issues, porn/gambling/drugs/alcohol..

 

If he has addiction issues, you need to get him counseling.

 

But its all now affecting me not only physically but emotionally, Im numbing myself to hurt less, Im thinking of doing things out of spite to show him how it feels so he can know what its like if I would rather look at other men and fantasize about other people then about actually having sex with him, but then i think to myself that im a much better person than that and as I dont deserve to feel this way neither does he, even though he is the one inflicting the pain on me.

 

Again, you should sit him down and talk about this because it is affecting your relationship. Guys like porn. Gals do to, but not quite as much - but it seems more like what single people do, but if it continues into your relationship it seems like addictive behavior.

 

If he has all of these addictions that you claim, get him into counselling so that you can resume a normal relationship.

 

Good luck

[2nd-Best]

Yes, I know.. you're all right to a point.

My best friend also says that she cannot believe that I'm still with someone like this, because I never took any **** from anyone before, my ex husband or anyone before him.

 

Theres more to my bf's story which would explain why hes so ****ed up and emotionally stunted but its pretty personal stuff on his behalf that I prefer not to discuss online, as for me.. You can't help who you love, He showers me with emotional affection and Love but has deeper rooted issues with aggression towards woman in general, excluding myself and his mother.

 

I feel like we are young enough that we can work through this and help eachother, that he is young enough and not so stuck in his ways that he could change, if he would ask for help.. I dont think its fare of me to give up on someone whom I love, but I also do not think its fare that my sanity and emotions are put threw the ringer so accomidate his.

 

I'm a Cancer and Hes an Aquarius if that sums it up to anyone? lol

[redfathom]

If he doesn't ask for help then you can't help him...

[Jersey Shortie]

I agree that there are alot of other issues other then the porn but porn is as much a part of it as the other things.

 

 

I too told my H how much it hurt my feelings, I mean I would cry when we would fight about it and one day he said: "I don't care, you just need to get over it!" I cried so hard about that I almost threw up! Of course, this came after him saying he would stop months before, etc.

 

Yeah I personally don't get what makes men so cold about these things when it comes to porn.

 

Then it turned into him telling me that my insecurites and trust issues would ruin our relationship and that I had to get over it or he would leave (they were threats).

 

How can he expect you to feel secure and trust him in the relationship when he promised things he didn't do and when he brings things like porn and escorts into the mix, even if it is "just" on the internet? I don't get it.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I wonder why, if you had to deal with one porn-luvin ex, did you go out and get you another one?

 

I think you should deal with your own esteem issues yourself, but in the future, why not just make the first porn site or magazine the dealbreaker?

 

I'm sorry i can't offer more advice, but I haven't had to deal with this, so there are guys out there who don't porn-up several times a week, or ever.

[You'reasian]

.

He showers me with emotional affection and Love but has deeper rooted issues with aggression towards woman in general, excluding myself and his mother.

 

That's unfortunate and agrivating as well as one whom believes in the idea of a nuclear family (not the Simpsons) but a functional two parent household.

 

.

I feel like we are young enough that we can work through this and help eachother, that he is young enough and not so stuck in his ways that he could change, if he would ask for help.. I dont think its fare of me to give up on someone whom I love, but I also do not think its fare that my sanity and emotions are put threw the ringer so accomidate his.

 

Good luck.

[2nd-Best]

I'm against illegal drug use, especially if it is addictive. I believe you should get him some counselling for this and get him drug tested as soon as you can.

 

A drug test would not do anything, I know when he does them he tells me and I can tell.

 

What kind of work does he do again?

 

He is a mechanic of sorts and incredibly smart, but here in canada we believe in a thing called the freedom act, which you cannot infringe upon unless the employee first signs a waiver to do so. which he hasnt.

 

Most jobs that require their employees to be in the right state of mind usually require their employees to undergo random drug testing - hair, urinalysis etc.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, you've stated your preference for him not looking at porn. If he's still into it, you have to talk with him about this....but why would you turn around and make this joke about getting sperm in your eye? You're coming across a little hypocritical unless you're trolling.

 

Accidently getting in my eye once when with the guy i was married to and knowing how much it hurts is hardly hypocritical to a woman having a group of men stand around her cumming all over her face degrading her.

 

 

 

If he has addiction issues, you need to get him counseling.

 

Well aware.

 

Again, you should sit him down and talk about this because it is affecting your relationship. Guys like porn. Gals do to, but not quite as much - but it seems more like what single people do, but if it continues into your relationship it seems like addictive behavior.

 

If he has all of these addictions that you claim, get him into counselling so that you can resume a normal relationship.

 

Good luck

 

Its easier said than done to get an adult into councelling when they are in denial of their problems and they do not think they are doing anything wrong.. we may come to that road when we cross it, assuming hes open for it.

[You'reasian]

Interesting, I did not know Canada had such laws. I suppose we are used to more strict laws against illegal drugs here in the States, especially since employers can terminate employment because of it.

 

If he has gambling, porn, alcohol and drug addictions - and nothing to stop him - and he has no desire to discontinue this, you cannot change him.

 

Good luck

[2nd-Best]

I wonder why, if you had to deal with one porn-luvin ex, did you go out and get you another one?

 

I think you should deal with your own esteem issues yourself, but in the future, why not just make the first porn site or magazine the dealbreaker?

 

I'm sorry i can't offer more advice, but I haven't had to deal with this, so there are guys out there who don't porn-up several times a week, or ever.

 

I had stated in my original post that I told him that I dont like it, but I'm not going to tell him to stop watching it just as long as it doesnt get in the way of our relationship and so long as he doesnt disrespect me by doing it right infront of me, hear not evil see no evil i suppose.. as much as I dont want to be blind to this sort of thing because I shouldnt ignore something that bothers me, I also have to be realistic that most young men are going to watch porn whether i like it or not, and some you may catch and other you may not.. there is little i can do about this and if i want to give up the person i love so i can go in search of this so called perfect man who doesnt watch it then im going to end up being a lonely person, who gave up the person she loved the most instead of working things out...

 

also there is not such thing as the perfect man, when you fall in love you love everything about the person even for their faults and they become the perfect man through you loving them..

[Rorocher]

I am pro-porn as people on this site can attest to but even I know a red flag when I see one. It's one thing to look at it once in a while, jerk off and call it a day, it's another when you park yourself in front of it all day long even when the girlfriend is around. And downloading it? what is with that anyway? With all the free sites out there that will play you a movie for free, why clog up your computer with that stuff but anyway:confused:.

 

You have a man with addiction problems on your hand. And don't give us that, well he does drugs but not so much, he gambles but not so much, he shows aggression towards women but not you or his mother. It's all the same and it's all cumulative. He has deep seated emotional problems and it will likely get worse.

 

Yes he can change and may be able to change but why would you want to take on a project boyfriend?

 

I don't think you should zone in on porn issues alone, you should tackle all of his issues.

[You'reasian]

You have a man with addiction problems on your hand. And don't give us that, well he does drugs but not so much, he gambles but not so much, he shows aggression towards women but not you or his mother. It's all the same and it's all cumulative. He has deep seated emotional problems and it will likely get worse.

 

 

I don't think you should zone in on porn issues alone, you should tackle all of his issues.

 

I agree with this. Get the man some help.

[redfathom]

there is little i can do about this and if i want to give up the person i love so i can go in search of this so called perfect man who doesnt watch it then im going to end up being a lonely person, who gave up the person she loved the most instead of working things out...

 

But he is so far from perfect, he doesn't respect you and have waaaaayyy to many issues. Of course you want to help him because you love him, but you can't help him if he doesn't want to change. Bad **** has happened to all of us, but you can't use that as an excuse to do bad things when you're older...that's a cop out.

[2nd-Best]

Rorocher,

 

You're correct to say that its more than the porn, if i didnt think it was I never would have addressed the other issues in my first post.

 

The REASON, why I am addressing the porn issue is because him and I have already been working out the other issues.

 

When we first started seeing eachother he was doing Special K, MDMA, ACID, Extacy and Pot almost on a daily basis.

 

He hasnt done K in close to 3 months, he did acid a few times but hasnt in the last 1.5 months and hasnt done extacy in i dont know how long.. he still smokes pot once in a while which I dont mind... but I would say that THAT is an improvement.

 

He would drink daily, and still does drink but not daily now.. another improvement.

 

The gambling thing, is usually online and with not real money as he doesnt have a credit card.

 

Like I said, Im addressing the porn issue because its the ONE that hasnt seemed to change and only get worse with time, and maybe its because im restricting all of his other vices that hes putting more time into this one.. but this is the one where im being more selfish about ME and about how hes making me feel, and that is what my post is about.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

2nd best, I didn't mean to imply that there's a perfect man out there, lol. Mine isn't into porn, but lordy he's got a host of other things going on that cheese my shorts...

 

I have an ex-fiance who kept a stack of girlie mags out in the barn. That wasn't a problem because he rarely went out to the barn. This was back before internet porn, though, so i don't know if his current wife (if he has one) is dealing with that.

 

Since you're willing to put up with porn, then I think you have to be willing to put up with a person who is, at least, honest with you about it. If you're going to accept it, you're going to have to accept his terms of use, it's not for you to say when and where.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

 

When we first started seeing eachother he was doing Special K, MDMA, ACID, Extacy and Pot almost on a daily basis.

 

 

Good God, where did you find such a prince? And why in the hell would you say, mmm, gotta get me some of that!

 

I think you may have 'fixer' issues with this one, if not in general.

 

You can't fix him.

[2nd-Best]

2nd best, I didn't mean to imply that there's a perfect man out there, lol. Mine isn't into porn, but lordy he's got a host of other things going on that cheese my shorts...

 

I have an ex-fiance who kept a stack of girlie mags out in the barn. That wasn't a problem because he rarely went out to the barn. This was back before internet porn, though, so i don't know if his current wife (if he has one) is dealing with that.

 

Since you're willing to put up with porn, then I think you have to be willing to put up with a person who is, at least, honest with you about it. If you're going to accept it, you're going to have to accept his terms of use, it's not for you to say when and where.

 

 

So , you think just because I told him that I'm not going to break up with him after he told me he watches it, but to have enough respect for me to not do it infront of me when he could just have sex with me instead, you think that is un-reasonable?

I dont want to take away his right to do something that he likes, just so long as it doesnt become a problem and it is OBVIOUSLY a problem!!

[You'reasian]

Rorocher,

 

When we first started seeing eachother he was doing Special K, MDMA, ACID, Extacy and Pot almost on a daily basis.

 

He hasnt done K in close to 3 months, he did acid a few times but hasnt in the last 1.5 months and hasnt done extacy in i dont know how long.. he still smokes pot once in a while which I dont mind... but I would say that THAT is an improvement..

 

Take him to get drug tested at a clinich.

 

He would drink daily, and still does drink but not daily now.. another improvement...

 

Sounds good.

 

The gambling thing, is usually online and with not real money as he doesnt have a credit card...

 

So he never had a gambling problem to begin with?

 

but this is the one where im being more selfish about ME and about how hes making me feel, and that is what my post is about.

 

Its really simple. If his consumption of porn is making you feel uncomfortable, then you need to tell him this and that the consequences of this behavior will result in you being drawn away from the relationship.

[Rorocher]

Rorocher,

 

You're correct to say that its more than the porn, if i didnt think it was I never would have addressed the other issues in my first post.

 

The REASON, why I am addressing the porn issue is because him and I have already been working out the other issues.

 

When we first started seeing eachother he was doing Special K, MDMA, ACID, Extacy and Pot almost on a daily basis.

 

He hasnt done K in close to 3 months, he did acid a few times but hasnt in the last 1.5 months and hasnt done extacy in i dont know how long.. he still smokes pot once in a while which I dont mind... but I would say that THAT is an improvement.

 

He would drink daily, and still does drink but not daily now.. another improvement.

 

The gambling thing, is usually online and with not real money as he doesnt have a credit card.

 

Like I said, Im addressing the porn issue because its the ONE that hasnt seemed to change and only get worse with time, and maybe its because im restricting all of his other vices that hes putting more time into this one.. but this is the one where im being more selfish about ME and about how hes making me feel, and that is what my post is about.

 

 

I had stated in my original post that I told him that I dont like it, but I'm not going to tell him to stop watching it just as long as it doesnt get in the way of our relationship and so long as he doesnt disrespect me by doing it right infront of me, hear not evil see no evil i suppose..

 

This is not an unreasonable request and it is a happy medium that I don't think any man shouldn't be able to respect.

 

I'm glad you are tackling the other issues, though I'm not sure how well it is working because it seems as if he transferred and consolidated all the other addictions into porn.

 

The ADDICTION issue is what you need to deal with. If he is indeed improving, he will be cutting down on all the excesses, not picking and choosing which one he wants to cut back on.

 

Love is great and all and it's good to support people you love in times of trouble but you gotta love yourself too and you have to be able to set boundaries. I tend to agree with lonelyandfrustrated, it's not about finding a perfect man, but just because there are none out there, doesn't mean you have to put up with any ol' kind of bad behavior from people.