Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Good God, where did you find such a prince? And why in the hell would you say, mmm, gotta get me some of that! I think you may have 'fixer' issues with this one, if not in general. You can't fix him. I didnt find him, I've known him since I was 11 years old. We were all best friends, and being his friend I didnt know about the porn issue because we were just friends, and as for the drugs, like i said hes stopped.. I used to do Cocaine when I was like 21-24 not frequently, but when i used to be in a band, and when i was a teenager i did acid and smoked pot.. I CHANGED.. I feel that its quite possible for others to change too. Its not as if hes a 35 year old man whos had addiction issues since he was 12 or something, this is a 25 year old who has had issues for about a year.. I really dont liek defending which it seems like im doing alot, because he is messed up and I know hes messed up and i know that its messed up of me to want to help him, according to some of you... but like i said i love him its hard to give up on someone you love. If it were my sister or brother or child I dont think you'd expect me to give up either, but because its my bf you do.. even though i love him jsut as much as i love or would love any of the others. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 So , you think just because I told him that I'm not going to break up with him after he told me he watches it, but to have enough respect for me to not do it infront of me when he could just have sex with me instead, you think that is un-reasonable? I dont want to take away his right to do something that he likes, just so long as it doesnt become a problem and it is OBVIOUSLY a problem!! No, I don't think your request is unreasonable. I'm probably more assertive (aggressive? most likely) than you, and I would, in the case of not being respected, just remove something from the computer so it is unusable when I am home. He can have his hard drive, modem, power cord when I leave. Might even toss in a bottle of Astro-Glide for the trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Rorocher Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I didnt find him, I've known him since I was 11 years old. We were all best friends, and being his friend I didnt know about the porn issue because we were just friends, and as for the drugs, like i said hes stopped.. I used to do Cocaine when I was like 21-24 not frequently, but when i used to be in a band, and when i was a teenager i did acid and smoked pot.. I CHANGED.. I feel that its quite possible for others to change too. Its not as if hes a 35 year old man whos had addiction issues since he was 12 or something, this is a 25 year old who has had issues for about a year.. I really dont liek defending which it seems like im doing alot, because he is messed up and I know hes messed up and i know that its messed up of me to want to help him, according to some of you... but like i said i love him its hard to give up on someone you love. If it were my sister or brother or child I dont think you'd expect me to give up either, but because its my bf you do.. even though i love him jsut as much as i love or would love any of the others. Fixer-upper boyfriends/girlfriends are great and I admire your sense of loyalty but see the thing is, these people tend to get fixed up on their own schedule and on their own terms only. You can take him on, sure, it may even be a rewarding experience but you should know that he is not going to change until he is good and ready to change. Trying to get him to cut down on his porn thing will be like pulling teeth and would lead to incredible frustration on your part. Ask women whose husbands have porn or other addictions. When a man or woman is not disciplined enough to use ANYTHING in moderation, their issues is beyond just saying "quit it". Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 No, I don't think your request is unreasonable. I'm probably more assertive (aggressive? most likely) than you, and I would, in the case of not being respected, just remove something from the computer so it is unusable when I am home. He can have his hard drive, modem, power cord when I leave. Might even toss in a bottle of Astro-Glide for the trouble. Har Har.. that has to be sarcasm, cause if not then you might wanna start your own thread! lol jk Heres the thing, Im not going to take away his right to masterbate, that is stupid and rediculous.. I realise that men are visual creatures and they tend to want to look at things, even though there is no emotional attachment to the porn star, and the woman on the screen are objects to them.. which is kind of like my vibrator is an object to me.. but anyways, my point is, is that even though I dont like it, I dont like the idea of him masterbating to other woman, because if i were the one doing it it wouldnt be just an object it would be an attraction and a lust thing, I think that may be the difference between woman, woman fantasize and have emotion towards sex, men have those emotions with their gfs or wives but when just looking at other woman whom they have no feeligns for that person is just an object to htem, which is a big reason it pisses off many woman.. myself included.. although iw ould dislike it even more if he had emotional attraction or lust for them... either way im never goign to be happy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Fixer-upper boyfriends/girlfriends are great and I admire your sense of loyalty but see the thing is, these people tend to get fixed up on their own schedule and on their own terms only. You can take him on, sure, it may even be a rewarding experience but you should know that he is not going to change until he is good and ready to change. Trying to get him to cut down on his porn thing will be like pulling teeth and would lead to incredible frustration on your part. Ask women whose husbands have porn or other addictions. When a man or woman is not disciplined enough to use ANYTHING in moderation, their issues is beyond just saying "quit it". I know this, thats why i had said before that hes putting his other vices which hes cut down on, onto his other vice which is porn, hes substituting.. one for another. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Har Har.. that has to be sarcasm, cause if not then you might wanna start your own thread! lol jk Heres the thing, Im not going to take away his right to masterbate, that is stupid and rediculous.. I realise that men are visual creatures and they tend to want to look at things, even though there is no emotional attachment to the porn star, and the woman on the screen are objects to them.. which is kind of like my vibrator is an object to me.. but anyways, my point is, is that even though I dont like it, I dont like the idea of him masterbating to other woman, because if i were the one doing it it wouldnt be just an object it would be an attraction and a lust thing, I think that may be the difference between woman, woman fantasize and have emotion towards sex, men have those emotions with their gfs or wives but when just looking at other woman whom they have no feeligns for that person is just an object to htem, which is a big reason it pisses off many woman.. myself included.. although iw ould dislike it even more if he had emotional attraction or lust for them... either way im never goign to be happy about it. haha...I have my own thread, it starts with "Dealing with anger..." Yeah. Search my post history, and you'll find some . Sorry! I don't get the idea that you don't mind him looking at it, but don't like him masturbating to it. What do you want to hear, here? Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Maybe you shoudl just help him as a friend instead of a GF...it is nice that you want to help, that is why I am still with my H, because I love him and I value his life as being important and derserving of kindness and affection. But in order to help me and also not damage myself, I have had to step back a little and be more of a friend then a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Lonely, while you're entitled to your own opinion, you're not being very productive here. 2nd is new to this board as are you and you need to cut her some slack, I don't remember other people attacking your post the way you seem to be attacking her's. She has the right to her own feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I didn't read all of the threads, so sorry if its been said already. I will say that's fine that you're there for him and lend him some support, but just know, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You can encourage him to seek help if thats what you feel is best, but doesn't mean he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 haha...I have my own thread, it starts with "Dealing with anger..." Yeah. Search my post history, and you'll find some . Sorry! I don't get the idea that you don't mind him looking at it, but don't like him masturbating to it. What do you want to hear, here? I didnt say that, I said I dont care if he masterbates, i do everyone does it.. i do it alone and usually with my eyes closed and usually im thinking about him, or tryin to atleast but for some reason with woman we start thinking about politics and the chores and a million other htings while in the middle of it. anyways, I said I dont liek the fact that he watches OR masterbates to it, but im not going to tell him to stop it because I know that he wont.. men just DONT and whe nyou tell them to stop it makes it forbidden and then they do it all the more, I dont like the kind of stuff he watches.. its pretty degrading.. but I MOSTLY dont like it when it interferes with OUR sex life or lack there of, or when he is searching for it or watching it when i am at home and when i never refuse him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Your issues have about as much to do with porn as the war in Iraq has to do with WMD. You've chosen a partner that is deceitful, closed off, unresponsive, uncaring and mal-adjusted. If he stopped looking at naked women tomorrow, do you this this would magically all get better ? Mr. Lucky Ditto! Most men look at porn when their sex life is failing for any of the million reasons it happens. When you have a good looking woman who wants sex and you'd rather watch porn, that's a sure sign of bigger problems. Geez! How many men would ENVY his position, and he throws it away! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I hope you don't have the same mindset for everything when it comes to not telling men how you feel about something, just because you think they wont stop doing something. Communication is the key. You're right even if you tell him how you feel, it doesn't mean he will or wont stop that behavior, but if its something that bothers you or you're not happy with, don't just go along with it becasue you think they either wont stop or that they ALL do it. Some men beat women, but NOT all do. That doesn't mean a woman shouldn't tell a man to stop, and then if he keeps doing it, she should make the choice to leave and find a man who doesn't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 OK, so he knows you don't like it, but he chooses to keep doing it, right? The problem no longer lies with him, it lies with you. I did NOT say you were the problem either. I'm saying the problem now is, if it bothers you and you don't like it, and he wont stop even knowing how you feel, then you either, A.( stay with him and accept the fact he might keep doing it, more than likely you'll be miserable because he is doing something you don't care for.) OR, B.) You get out of the situation and hopefully find someone who shares your same views on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 I hope you don't have the same mindset for everything when it comes to not telling men how you feel about something, just because you think they wont stop doing something. Communication is the key. You're right even if you tell him how you feel, it doesn't mean he will or wont stop that behavior, but if its something that bothers you or you're not happy with, don't just go along with it becasue you think they either wont stop or that they ALL do it. Some men beat women, but NOT all do. That doesn't mean a woman shouldn't tell a man to stop, and then if he keeps doing it, she should make the choice to leave and find a man who doesn't do that. I wouldnt compare a man beating a woman to a man beating off.. as for me going along with it, my bf doesnt like the fact that i model, he hates that other men look at me and even at one time said "guys probably jack off to you online" and has compared his uncomfortability wiht it to mine with porn, which i hardly see as the same thing... would you think it unfair or him to tell me to stop modelling? or should he accept it, he doesnt have to like it but accept it because he loves me and wants to be with me? I'm hardly accepting the porn use, it pisses me off ya! It makes me not want him physically and it disgusts me sometimes, and other times it doesnt.. I dont watch it because I dont get anything from it, its full of attractive and somewhat attractive woman having men do things to them to fulfill the male fantasy, and on for me, there is nothing.. just a bunch of fat/ugly/hairy unnatrative men with oversized penis' and usually crooked degrading woman and I dont get off on it... and i dont like it, i cant say for sure if i would have a different opinion if things were different with it, if they were more attractive , less volatile, the other thing is is that im not attracted to woman, alot of woman who enjoy porn are attracted to woman and thats why they like seeing it, or maybe they like to imagine it happening to them.. either way its not for me, but I'm not sure I can end a relationship which would probably end our long standing previous friendship because he watches it, i would rather work it out first.. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I wouldnt compare a man beating a woman to a man beating off.. as for me going along with it, my bf doesnt like the fact that i model, he hates that other men look at me and even at one time said "guys probably jack off to you online" and has compared his uncomfortability wiht it to mine with porn, which i hardly see as the same thing... would you think it unfair or him to tell me to stop modelling? or should he accept it, he doesnt have to like it but accept it because he loves me and wants to be with me? I'm hardly accepting the porn use, it pisses me off ya! It makes me not want him physically and it disgusts me sometimes, and other times it doesnt.. I dont watch it because I dont get anything from it, its full of attractive and somewhat attractive woman having men do things to them to fulfill the male fantasy, and on for me, there is nothing.. just a bunch of fat/ugly/hairy unnatrative men with oversized penis' and usually crooked degrading woman and I dont get off on it... and i dont like it, i cant say for sure if i would have a different opinion if things were different with it, if they were more attractive , less volatile, the other thing is is that im not attracted to woman, alot of woman who enjoy porn are attracted to woman and thats why they like seeing it, or maybe they like to imagine it happening to them.. either way its not for me, but I'm not sure I can end a relationship which would probably end our long standing previous friendship because he watches it, i would rather work it out first.. The point I was saying, if something bothers you that someone is doing then you communicate to them how you feel. They might stop it they might not. I'm assuming he knows how you feel. So therefore I'm not real sure what the problem is, other than it pisses you off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 The point I was saying, if something bothers you that someone is doing then you communicate to them how you feel. They might stop it they might not. I'm assuming he knows how you feel. So therefore I'm not real sure what the problem is, other than it pisses you off. ofcourse he knows how i feel, i made it pretty clear that him and i have broken up because of it in the past and that we get into arguments about it aswell. I've also made clear that I dont like that I feel like im defending him because I am not, I'm defending my reaction to how i feel and what I'm going through. I dont put up with ****, I'm frequently told that im a bit of a bitch and that I am stubborn and whatever else under the sun.. but at the same time, me trying to find a way to comprimise and find a way to make it work hardly constitutes me as a pushover who cant stand on her own two legs.. Like i said before, if this were my sibling or child who had the problem all of your attitudes would be different and you wouldnt be telling me to ditch him and not to help him, well, I love him like a friend, a lover , a family memebr, a child , when you know someone for as long as i have known him and you fall in love it makes it a lot harder to just be a cold hearted bitch and walk away from him because you both have different views on porno. but thats just my opinion for my situation in my relationship... what others do thats best for them is great, id rather just know what steps i could take to better this or talk to him or get through to him in any way possible... not ditch the person i love because he has some problems.. everyone has problems. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 "id rather just know what steps i could take to better this or talk to him or get through to him in any way possible." You say you don't like it, and you figure he wont stop anyway, but you want suggestions on how to get through to him. Through to him how? Suggestions on how get through to him to make him stop? Suggestions on how for to get help? Suggestions on how to get him to respect how you feel about it? 1. Chances are, he isn't going to stop unless he really wants to, or feels he has something else worth losing over the porn, and even that is no garuntee. 2. As far as help goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. 3. If he truly respected how you felt on it, he probably wouldn't be doing it anyway. I have seen some people give you suggestions or options, but you come across as when some do, you make excuses and defend the very behavior you're here asking help with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 "id rather just know what steps i could take to better this or talk to him or get through to him in any way possible." You say you don't like it, and you figure he wont stop anyway, but you want suggestions on how to get through to him. Through to him how? Suggestions on how get through to him to make him stop? Suggestions on how for to get help? Suggestions on how to get him to respect how you feel about it? 1. Chances are, he isn't going to stop unless he really wants to, or feels he has something else worth losing over the porn, and even that is no garuntee. 2. As far as help goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. 3. If he truly respected how you felt on it, he probably wouldn't be doing it anyway. I have seen some people give you suggestions or options, but you come across as when some do, you make excuses and defend the very behavior you're here asking help with. actually people have either done one of these two things, they've told me to A: Break up with him. or B: get councelling. I said i do not want to break up, and I would try to get him , or rather US help.. In a thread the one that I linked to in my original post, that girl got like 30 pages of people responding to her saying " work it out" or other helpful things.. this one just seems to be full of negativity towards my relationship instead of assurance that people can change and people are worth the effort to change... with the exception of a few people who are very bright and actually did say some stuf that helped.. and i am thankful to them. I guess that is what one should expect making their personal life public on line and open to opinion, which i respect everyones by the way. I may have jsut thought that i might actually get some real insight today, but I'll just go back to the other girls thread and read soem of her replies from people because those seemed to be alot more helpful then the ones I've recieved today.. (again, excluding a few who have been very kind and helpful thank you) Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 also im not defending HIM I am defending our relationship!! because its worth something to me to defend. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 You have to realize that when people give advice they do think they are being helpful. You want a quick fix and a lot of people who replied inclusing myself know that it doesn't exist. You might not hear what you want, but that doesn't make it useless advice. You can defend him, but by doing that, you're making excuses and that just tells/shows him and everyone else that it's not really a big deal. Sorry we wasted your time, and ours... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 What is it you're hoping people would tell you? I asked you what you wanted suggestions with and you never said. Some told you to either break up or get into some counseling, well the way I see it, those were suggestions or options, not negativity. You said breaking up wasn't something you wanted to do, and thats ok, what about the counseling? Do you think he would go with you? You might could go by yourself and a counselor might could provide better suggestions for you. I hope if the other thread has better, more positive things, to try then you will apply those to the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 also im not defending HIM I am defending our relationship!! because its worth something to me to defend. I think most of us are more than a little taken aback by the seeming number, variety, depth and width of his issues !!! I know love conquers all, but some here want to make sure that you understand that you might be banging your head against the wall for the next 5, 10 or 20 years. Is that what you're willing to sign up for ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I think most of us are more than a little taken aback by the seeming number, variety, depth and width of his issues !!! I know love conquers all, but some here want to make sure that you understand that you might be banging your head against the wall for the next 5, 10 or 20 years. Is that what you're willing to sign up for ??? Mr. Lucky BINGO. People have given you different things to try. It doesn't mean you have to. Also, I agree that people can change, but the question is, how long will you hold out in hopes for that to happen? You clearly aren't happy with the way things are, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2nd-Best Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 You have to realize that when people give advice they do think they are being helpful. You want a quick fix and a lot of people who replied inclusing myself know that it doesn't exist. You might not hear what you want, but that doesn't make it useless advice. You can defend him, but by doing that, you're making excuses and that just tells/shows him and everyone else that it's not really a big deal. Sorry we wasted your time, and ours... you were actually one of the ones i was talking about when i said I appreciate some of your replies. The ones saying BREAK UP WIHT HIM NOW HES NOT GIONG TO CHANGE are people trying to give me a quick fix, its people saying if i have a problem that i should end my relationship because theres no other way, I want to hear some other ways and no one is giving me any... I'll make my own up, I was just looking for some suggestions other than to GIVE UP. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 you were actually one of the ones i was talking about when i said I appreciate some of your replies. The ones saying BREAK UP WIHT HIM NOW HES NOT GIONG TO CHANGE are people trying to give me a quick fix, its people saying if i have a problem that i should end my relationship because theres no other way, I want to hear some other ways and no one is giving me any... I'll make my own up, I was just looking for some suggestions other than to GIVE UP. I just read through some of these posts, and you were given other things to try than to just give up! JUst because people give you the opinon to break up, doesn't mean you have to do that. I'm going to take another approach here. What do you want for this relationship and from your partner? Link to post Share on other sites
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