The Old Porno Argument!

[Jersey Shortie]

I happen to know Jersey that not even you think this over-the-top statement is true ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, only on my good days.

 

Some of these guys on here make you look like Jesus though Mr. Lucky, I will say that.

[angryyoungman70]

Well, only on my good days.

 

Some of these guys on here make you look like Jesus though Mr. Lucky, I will say that.

 

Now that's what I call dialouge!!

[2nd-Best]

Well, I left all weekend and stayed at my parents house after telling him that I wasnt going to take it anymore, and not because any of you sexist bone heads said so either..

 

I wrote him a 14 page letter!! yaa... pretty long, which he read I told him that I realise he hurts inside but its not fair for him to take it out on me, and that the porno amongst other addictions are affecting all of his relationships in his life, with everyone.. hes been cut off from most friends and some family already.

 

I told him if he wants to continue with our relationship that we must go to couples therapy, even though im not sure that I need it but I told him I would go aswell so we can both work out how to deal with eachother and have more understanding..

 

He agreed, which I'm assuming is that hes doing it for me/us and not himself.. I outlined in the letter that he is self destructive and that I know he has pain inside and alot of anger and that he doesnt love himself and that he needs to focus on helping himself and being happy with or without me.

 

And as much as you people think that I have a problem just because i married some dip****, and divorced him that I'm a loser magnet and my Vice is dating losers.. I'm quite happy when I'm alone, Infact I was happier alone being drama free then I am in this relationship when we are on the rocks.. when we are good its the best though.. and you people keep saying 7 months, but we've been best friends for 14-15 YEARS!! its a little harder to throw it away when you're at that point.

 

I'm not a drama seeker, I do not get off on being unhappy... I do not enjoy getting my period (sorry guys) 2-3 times a month due to stress and having skin problems and not being able to eat because im so worried.. and scared.

I have read the last few posts that people seem to think that it gets me off bieng in a disfunctional relationship and that from my posts you think you know me when you don't.. as I dont know you, and im sure that aside from your online bravery and big mouths that you're not the jerks you make yourselfs out to be online (that is directed to the sexist pigs who have nothing but negativity spew out of their mouths)

 

So anyways, We are going to go to couples councelling and going to do private sessions in the next few weeks..I guess time will only tell.

 

Also, I do appreciate the advice from people who are giving it out of concern and experience, every person is different every situation is different and I do take what you say seriously, its not as if I havent thought all of this before or been through it previously or through friends who go through the say things, I was just looking for something new I suppose. I didnt really find it.. and thats okay.

 

People ARE capable of change, there is alot of jaded/bitterness in this forum and I hope that things with you all will get better and you dont all think that every man/woman is the same as the next because theres a reason we all have individual thought and choices and souls, so anyways, ya.

 

I might update later, or might not.

 

anyways

Thank you for some of the advice.

[JackJack]

First off pipe down some, its going to be ok. Your anger would be better directed elsewhere.

 

You say you don't think you need the help, sure you do. To learn how to better deal with things.

 

If he is going to counseling for you and not himself, then more than likely it wont work. He will need to go for himself first of all.

 

You don't like people assuming things about you, so why are you assuming people are jaded/bitter because they told you things that maybe were hard to swallow.

 

Good luck to you.

[2nd-Best]

First off pipe down some, its going to be ok. Your anger would be better directed elsewhere.

 

You say you don't think you need the help, sure you do. To learn how to better deal with things.

 

If he is going to counseling for you and not himself, then more than likely it wont work. He will need to go for himself first of all.

 

You don't like people assuming things about you, so why are you assuming people are jaded/bitter because they told you things that maybe were hard to swallow.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I'm not angry...quite the opposite actually I just have a potty mouth.

 

I mean I dont need psychological help, I do need help in dealing with this situation.. obviously, because I either hold it all in until i blow up, or i ignore it until it gets bigger... I've stated that already.. I'm aware I need to find a way to handle this relationship better.. which is why I was trying to find out new things to do.

 

I Know it wont work if he goes just for me, thats why i wrote that I think hes doing it for me and not him, and that he needs to focus on fixing himself and not us.

 

 

I assume people are jaded because they make comments saying stuff like "All men are the same, Hes not goign to quit its just going to get worse"

Thats the same mentality that people have saying all men are cheaters, or liars or saying that people are incapable of change, and its a sad outlook to have on life and really its just giving up which to me is worse than giving in.

I just refuse to believe that people are all the same, and I dont think that just because people have been hurt or lied to or go through the same thing I have that they are experts on the subject and can judge a person like so many are wiht my bf without ever meeting him.

Hes a good person, a good person with problems.. who deserves a chance to change and deserves someone to be there for him if he needs them.

 

anyways thats all.

[blair08]

"I mean I dont need psychological help, I do need help in dealing with this situation.. obviously, because I either hold it all in until i blow up, or i ignore it until it gets bigger... I've stated that already.. I'm aware I need to find a way to handle this relationship better.. which is why I was trying to find out new things to do".

 

What are some ways you feel you could learn to deal with things better, since you feel you don't need any help?

[2nd-Best]

I do need help, help in handling this situation.

 

I ment I don't need help mentally.. my bf has mental and emotional issues i want to get him help for.. I want help so I can help us.. gawd gives me a headache just trying to explain it.. to myself let alone you guys.

 

I dont know, I guess I'm just searching for that one answer or STEPS to take to make the situation better... He seems to think that having a baby would fix everything.. which I know would be the worst possible thing to do.

 

He said to me yesterday

 

"Marry Me and I'll stop Gambling, Love me Tender and I'll stop watching Porn and Give me a baby and I'll stop drinking" which I laughed at, because he is ALWAYS joking around, but theres always truth behind it and then later on that night he asked me to marry him again, but this time without the jokes. I didnt really say much as an answer.. I kinda just brushed it off.. because I dont want to get married again.. its just a stupid peice of paper making you stay together, thats what it is to me anyways.. so ya.

 

I know none of that will help us, it will only make it worse, I dont want a kid im too young, we have money but NOT enough as far as im concerned to take care of a baby, and I dont want to put our problems on a child... I know marrying him wont make him stop drinking either because he'll jsut keep on doing it and the only difference is we'll be married.

 

So ya... *rolls eyes*

[blair08]

Counselors don't just deal with people who need help "mentally." They also see people who need help in learning how to deal with certain situations or relationships. They can also be helpful in just being there for you to lean on and talk to in a time of need when you're having a difficult time with things , it doesn't mean you have mental issues that you need help for.

[redfathom]

"Marry Me and I'll stop Gambling, Love me Tender and I'll stop watching Porn and Give me a baby and I'll stop drinking"

 

Those are all things HE wants YOU to do to help him. You should have replies: That he needs to stop those things if he really wants to be with you/marry you. Again, and you know this, he needs to help himself first.

[EnigmasMuse]

"Marry Me and I'll stop Gambling, Love me Tender and I'll stop watching Porn and Give me a baby and I'll stop drinking".

 

NO he wont. If anything,things will get worse, those things aren't the answer. I'm glad you see that too. Hopefully he will get help for all things mentioned.

[2nd-Best]

Counselors don't just deal with people who need help "mentally." They also see people who need help in learning how to deal with certain situations or relationships. They can also be helpful in just being there for you to lean on and talk to in a time of need when you're having a difficult time with things , it doesn't mean you have mental issues that you need help for.

 

 

Oh I know, thats why I said I wanted the BOTH of us to go.

 

not just him.

[Jennifer26]

Counseling doesn't have to be strictly for psychological problems. You probably won't be seeing a Psychiatrist, more than likely it will be a Psychologist or a Social Worker. They can offer many strategies to help you, whether it be in your relationships, parenting, dealing with stress at work, etc. Most people in couples counseling aren't mentally ill.

 

As for the counseling though, - and I'm not trying to be a downer- the odds of it working to cure all of his addiction problems are very slim. Maybe your BF can beat the odds, I don't know.

 

I got my husband to attend marriage counseling and individual counseling and it did nothing for his sexual addiction. Maybe your case will be different. I've spent years and years on forums reading about women with similar problems and I can't think of one instance where its worked.

 

The one thing I have seen that does work is 12-step programs. I'm not even religious, but they do seem to really help.

 

You're right that a baby and marriage would only make things more complicated. Please hold to those thoughts.

 

As for the men saying that men are just prone to this and women should accept it. They're immature.

 

Of course men are biologically wired to want to spread their seed. I think we all know this. Women are wired to want a good provider. Should women go out and cheat whenever we find a man that makes more money than our husbands? Seriously, it is ridiculous.

 

We have higher reasoning, people. Sometimes I get very angry and want to hit someone, but I can suppress that because my higher reasoning tells me it would cause all sorts of negative consequences and that I would hurt someone. Imagine what this world would be like if we all went around acting like cavemen?

 

Sure, men are going to get an urge sometimes. I don't think anyone is faulting them for it. I might get an urge to do things to, but I don't need to act on that urge. Porn is just indulging it, instead of trying to be happy with the one woman YOU chose to be with.

[2nd-Best]

Aint that the truth, Jennifer its nice to read a reply thats not condesending and negative the whole way though.. i realise that Councelling will not solve everything, but he has addiction issues because of his mental/physical and emotional issues hes indured growing up.. which his mother ENABLES him by telling him when he is sore to take a pain killer.. gawd it pisses me off so much when i hear that.

 

her words exactly "Your body should never hurt if theres medicine to treat it" by the way this is coming from a woman who is one of the heads of Native affairs.. you'd think she would recommend something herbal to him or some **** considering thats what her culture is supposed to be all about... thats what she advocates anyways.

 

So the reason why I think councelling is so important is because when he doesnt want to do drugs he jsut doesnt, he doesnt have cravings or binge or do any weird or typical addiction type things... Its all mental to him, somethign pisses him off.. get drunk, he doesnt get his way... get drunk, I'm mad at him..get drunk.

He has a hangover, take some T'3s , Back Hurts go to the doctor gets painkillers, Tired take sleeping pills..

 

This attitude has be installed from his mother, got a problem treat it with a pill.. shes a retard

[CommitmentPhobe]

Why would anyone get into a relationship with the goal of that relationship to be a good relationship, when they could just get into a good relationship?

 

Why would anyone get into a parent/child relationship when they could just get into an adult to adult one?

 

If you're not too busy exploring his issues maybe then you can explore your own with this counsellor, particularly why you would want to be a surrogate mother for your boyfriend.

[2nd-Best]

Why would anyone get into a relationship with the goal of that relationship to be a good relationship, when they could just get into a good relationship?

 

Why would anyone get into a parent/child relationship when they could just get into an adult to adult one?

 

If you're not too busy exploring his issues maybe then you can explore your own with this counsellor, particularly why you would want to be a surrogate mother for your boyfriend.

 

The thing is, is that it didnt start out like this... there was always some problems but at the beginning we were just dating and I was supposed to move back to Los Angeles, it wasnt supposed to be serious... This is not my dream relationship trust me, I wish it could be different.. I dont want to change him as a person but everyone does need to grow up at some point, whether that be now or 15 years from now for him.. if he makes it that long only time will tell.

 

Whether or not I can stick it out that long HOPING that he matures and things change for the better is a pretty iffy one.. who knows.

 

I do not enjoy parenting him, I called him son the other day PURPOSLEY to imply that hes acting like a child and treating me like his mother.. he didnt like that much...BUT he did end up doing the dishes so that was good. lol

[Blu_Eyes225]

what is the deal with these escort sites, are they porn sites or are they sites to hook with an escort??? my man just admitted to me he is addicted to porn and I am dumbfounded, I know that he has been looking up pictures of woman, and I know he has chatted with some but when he told me he was addicted to porn I about hit the floor, also can you tell me if a man can really sit and watch porn and not whack off? He claims he didnt do that...is that possible???

[Jennifer26]

what is the deal with these escort sites, are they porn sites or are they sites to hook with an escort??? my man just admitted to me he is addicted to porn and I am dumbfounded, I know that he has been looking up pictures of woman, and I know he has chatted with some but when he told me he was addicted to porn I about hit the floor, also can you tell me if a man can really sit and watch porn and not whack off? He claims he didnt do that...is that possible???

I'm sure it is possible. Maybe he is storing up images for later?

 

My husband told me this years ago. He was lying, and he has lied to me numerous times when it comes to this issue.

 

I don't see now that it really matters though. He is either using them to masturbate to, or storing the images for when he sleeps with me. Either way he still has an addiction that needs to be dealt with.

[2nd-Best]

what is the deal with these escort sites, are they porn sites or are they sites to hook with an escort??? my man just admitted to me he is addicted to porn and I am dumbfounded, I know that he has been looking up pictures of woman, and I know he has chatted with some but when he told me he was addicted to porn I about hit the floor, also can you tell me if a man can really sit and watch porn and not whack off? He claims he didnt do that...is that possible???

 

 

yeah thats what my bf does, some of the time he masterbates while watching it but most of the time he will just watch it the whole time, its kind of like people who are addicted to TV they lose touch with reality, their real life becomes boring because of the thrill of what they can watch on TV, same with people with Porn addictions, its all mental.. the addiction they have with it makes them pretty much lose interest in the real thing because it lacks the excitement they get when they are watching it on screen, not to mention that most porn ADDICTS progressivly move on to more harder stuff as time goes on.. it will usually go from normal porn to 3 somes orgies, double penetration type stuff, gang bangs, fisting, choking, more hardcore things.. thebrutality in it usually gets worse aswell.. I've been reading up on it the last few weeks and its pretty crazy stuff.

 

Its not to be confused with sex addiction either, because they are completely different things.

 

Sex addicts will sleep with pretty much anyone to get that thrill of getting off, and Porn addicts usually tend to lose interest in real sex and need the mental and visual stimulation of Porn to get them off.. Ahh The Internet!! easy access to becoming a giant loser.

[redfathom]

Ahh The Internet!! easy access to becoming a giant loser.

 

Haha...good point!!

[CommitmentPhobe]

The thing is, is that it didnt start out like this...

 

See I disagree, it probably seems like I'm being particularly critiical but I'm telling you the way I see it.

 

7 months to me is still the time that it starts out, at that point it's about discovery, getting caught up in etc. to me having problems at this stage is just wrong because usually the beginning of the relationship is the best part. I'm not saying the rest isn't great but the beggining bit usually there's something special, and there's something to look back on that makes you really keep it together.

 

Now I know you've been friends with this guy for a while, but even so, do you really need all this hassle at this stage of the r/ship? See if you were a few years into it my advice would be to sort out these problems.

 

But to me you sound like a girl that's selling herself short. Don't you deserve that excitement and happiness that comes from a new relationship? This seems like a one way deal to me right now... he gets to sort out his stuff, what do you get?

[2nd-Best]

Now I know you've been friends with this guy for a while, but even so, do you really need all this hassle at this stage of the r/ship? See if you were a few years into it my advice would be to sort out these problems.

 

But to me you sound like a girl that's selling herself short. Don't you deserve that excitement and happiness that comes from a new relationship? This seems like a one way deal to me right now... he gets to sort out his stuff, what do you get?

 

That's just the thing, we do have really great times.. these arguments and fights come up about once a month or so, and the rest of the time everything is fairytale happy.

 

He knows something is up with me right now, because he keeps questioning whether I still love him or not, I tend to completely shut myself off which I usually refer to as "Numbing" myself when I get so fed up and hurt so that I dont have to feel bad, but as a result I start to not care anymore, and I dont want to NOT care.. because I should care and I do care.. but ya, it actually started the worst when we moved intogether ... hopefully it gets better

[CommitmentPhobe]

How is it going so far?

[Milan721]

Yes, I know.. you're all right to a point.

My best friend also says that she cannot believe that I'm still with someone like this, because I never took any **** from anyone before, my ex husband or anyone before him.

 

Theres more to my bf's story which would explain why hes so ****ed up and emotionally stunted but its pretty personal stuff on his behalf that I prefer not to discuss online, as for me.. You can't help who you love, He showers me with emotional affection and Love but has deeper rooted issues with aggression towards woman in general, excluding myself and his mother.

 

I feel like we are young enough that we can work through this and help eachother, that he is young enough and not so stuck in his ways that he could change, if he would ask for help.. I dont think its fare of me to give up on someone whom I love, but I also do not think its fare that my sanity and emotions are put threw the ringer so accomidate his.

 

I'm a Cancer and Hes an Aquarius if that sums it up to anyone? lol

 

I empathize completely. I could've written this myself.

 

The thing is, yes you're both young, yes he has issues, yes he probably cares about you very much. However, keep in mind that you WILL be like many women in this forum and in the rest of the world putting up with this kind of behavior for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. It will not stop.

 

It's cool of you to want to be accommodating to his porn addiction by just limiting the stuff that bothers you the most. But while you think you're being reasonable, guess what he'll be doing...yup, whacking off to kiddie porn while you're in the shower, brushing your teeth, running out for a quart of milk, checking the mail, etc. The more you say he can't do, the more he'll want to do exactly that, ESPECIALLY after he's already said, "alright sweetie, I promise I won't do that anymore."

 

Maybe you love him enough to let it all go. Maybe you believe the people who say "get over it", porn isn't about you, porn is healthy and natural, etc. etc. Just know that each day that goes by, you'll figure out how to DIE a little more inside so that it doesn't bother you so much that your sexual needs are being unmet while his selfish perversions are invading your relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

But while you think you're being reasonable, guess what he'll be doing...yup, whacking off to kiddie porn while you're in the shower, brushing your teeth, running out for a quart of milk, checking the mail, etc.

You know, there are many sides to this arguement and reading the responses of those dead set against porn has been an interesting eye-opener for me. But this idea that the average guy that looks at porn is compelled to pursue ever-increasing levels of depravity is nonsense. There is no logic behind the idea that one day you're looking at the Playboy centerfold and then six months later you find yourself online looking for snuff films with 8-year olds. So the idea that her H will be "whacking off to kiddie porn" doesn't make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladyintights]

u being so harshly against it is worsening matters im afraid; its that much more enticing to him.

what are the odds a woman at the beginning of a relationship warns her mate that he better not be interested in porn, only to find to find out later he's a porn addict?

why not using this opportunity to experiment and bluff that you accept this and will even watch it with him. eventually that excitement might die away.

its more interesting to note that the woman trying to hold onto the tightest leashes are the ones who have the crazy men with "deviant" addictions.

 

maybe this porn issue is your only outlet to control a man.

you know his desires now and what he likes.. if its the personality trait you'd find disgusting and beyond your acceptance, why even continue this relationship?

 

it sounds like you have more of an obsession over this porn business than he does. ridiculous imo.