Sneaky boyfriend is driving me nuts!!!!!

[Lolodelight]

Hi, sorry for the long story, but I want to give you full details, so I can get informed advice.

 

Background:

 

I met this guy at my friend's party September 2006. This guy has a girl child (15). When we started dating he disclosed that he asked to marry his child's mother 4 times (the last request was in 2002) - she didn't want to marry him because she couldn't see a future with him. But she changed her mind when he started dating someone else. He stopped dating the new girlfriend and lived with the child's mother to try and make a go of their relationship - it didn't work. But they slept together as bed friends up until May the year that we met. We officially started dating in November.

 

I moved in with BF in September 2007. Our sleeping arrangements seemed impersonal - BF on sofa me in the bed.

 

In December 2007 whilst I was on holiday, my guy called me and said he was at home just chilling (implying that he was home by himself). After the phone went down, he called back by accident and I heard that he was talking to a female. I called him back on the other phone to ask who he was talking to - he mentioned a friend, whose name I have come across before. Anyway, I was pissed because he didn't tell me he had a female friend, and of course my mind was wondering on what he intended to do. Did God give me a sign?? My BF didn't see anything wrong with what he did, until a few days later (after I wasn't answering his calls).

 

I arrived home in January and greeted him with emotional caution. I continued to live with BF- our sleeping arrangements were still the same. It took me time to build trust with him, and I didn't sleep with him for about a month. Thereafter, probably once or twice every three weeks, as our sleeping arrangements were impersonal.

 

In February this year we went on holiday - it was cool. However, there was one incident. I had my Bday on holiday, he told me he was broke and that he would get my Bday present when we returned home. But he managed to buy a gift for his daughter and child's mother and then tried to pacify me by saying my Bday present is at home waiting. I was pissed off, but didn't say anything.

 

In May/June this year, I had a feeling or instinct that BF slept with his child's mother, but I dismissed it. Anyway, one morning I had an opportunity to go through BF's phone, which I had never done before during our time together.

 

I discovered they have been sending text messages, which I think are quite personal. For example, a circular text, which you would send to your female friends/family was personalised by the child's mother and sent to my BF. My BF returned the same text but added a few of his own words. Then there was a text from her that said "Thanks - I'm pleased to say your handy work is still up". And another text from her that mentioned "I'm just watching the wedding sketch".

 

I didn't tell him I'd seen the text. I sat on this for two days. I then confronted him saying that he had feelings for his child's mother, and told him that I'm his distraction and that he still has feelings for his child's mother. I also told him about the gift he bought on holiday. I blatantly asked him "have you slept with you child's mother" - he denied, but said he wanted to. That was it - I closed our relationship, for two weeks. BTW I still didn't confront him about the text messages.

 

We talked about the situation. I asked why did you want to sleep with her...? He said it was because I'm wasn't giving him any and that she was his saftey net. I told him not to blame me and that he had the woman in his house in December - what am I supposed do and think?

 

He understood the consequences of what he said and was prepared to work at this relationship, and do whatever it takes. His main concern was me and his child. My concern was trusting him.

 

I told him that I wasn't comfortable with: him visiting the child in the childs's mother's house sitting eating... playing happy families. He got uptight and ask me what do I suggest he do instead. I said take your child out - don't sit in the house, or the child's aunt's house. He didn't respond well, and said he wants to see his child as much as possible. I said I don't dispute that, only when you sit in the house... But the next day he said he'll try his best at taking solitary time with his child - which I think he is trying to do.

 

I have met the child on several occasions. I've met the child's mother once - last year ( I think she's in her 40s and single). The child's mother organised the Child's bday party this and last year - i didn't get invited by BF to attend his child's birthday party. Recently, there was another family function at her sister's house. My BF mom, sister and niece went. And my BF went to collect his sister.... but I wasn't invited to the event by my BF. The child's mom is still friendly with BF mom.

So, my questions to you guys are:

1. Is he ready to commit to me - how do I do it?

2. Does the child mom want him back (especially after the texts!)

3.what are your thoughts generally? Would be good to get an objective opinion.

 

 

Ps latest development, today he left his phone and I went through it and I found a text that he sent basically asking for the mom of the child and him to hang out together

[Lolodelight]

Thanks for reading this long story, I look forward to reading all comments and I appreciate any advice given. If I don't respond it's because BF returned home. But I promise you, I will be on here first thing in the morning when he's gone.

[beautifullove]

I can imagine how frustrating it is for you. It sounds as though your guy has an OW - his child's mother. I would follow your instincts, because you're probably right!!!! I wish I had followed mine. Good luck!

[Walk]

I think you have good reason to distrust him. First, when he specifically told you he was home alone and lied about there being a woman there... that really sends up a huge red flag for me. If my H did that to me I'd blow my top. I'd be screaming mad. Not just a little jealous, but p.o'd. I mean, we build trust by consistently acting in a way that shows our partner that we're considering their feelings. I know for a fact my SO would not like it if I were to have a man in our apartment and lie to him about it.

Second: the text messages he's sent.

Third: his going behind your back to set up a secret meeting with his ex (alone).

 

Anyway... your bf also admitted he wants to sleep with his ex. He was responsible enough to purchase a gift for her, yet didn't have the foresight to purchase one for you to have it available on your bday. His actions say that his main concern is his ex (mother of his child).

 

When you add in that he's unwilling to include you into his time with her, the seperate sleeping arrangements, the not including you in family gatherings... it points to someone who see's you as a temporary arrangement so he won't be too alone.

 

I think you need to ditch this guy. He's still in love with his ex.

[Lolodelight]

I think you're right. He's just gone to bed. He was just deleting stuff off his phone before he went to bed. Why do men think we're stupid.

 

Should I let him know I've seen text messages.

[beautifullove]

if we allow them to think we are. I don't think you should let him know about the text yet. Wait and watch. I wish I could take my own advice, because I know if it were me...

[Lolodelight]

How do I break it up without letting him know I saw the text. I so want to let him know, but not now.

[beautifullove]

Let him self destruct. By that I mean catch him in a lie so that you can laugh in his face, then tell him to f***k off, and feel really good about you new life ahead of you. I wish I had your patience - but I don't.

 

P.S. I also think Walk is right about what she said!

[Lolodelight]

how long do I have to wait to catch him... I don't even want to get into bed with him.

 

Walk is definitely right. I also want to break it off in style like you suggested.

[Walk]

Just curious, but why is it important to you to 'catch' him? I think you have enough reason at this point to leave the relationship without feeling remorse.

 

I guess what I think when you say you want to catch him at this is that you want him to know he's wrong. But even if you catch him, tell him, and break up with him, it still won't change who he is. He's still going to treat every gf he ever dates like crap. He'll still be in love with the one woman who doesn't want him. He has issues that you can't fix. I don't know if his mother never showed him enough love as a child or what... but waiting around just to prove you are right in leaving won't get you a happy, mutually satisfying relationship any sooner.

 

You have to do what will make your life the best life it can be. Time goes so quick, its a shame to waste it on someone who isn't capable of giving you the love you deserve.

[porter218]

I think you're right. He's just gone to bed. He was just deleting stuff off his phone before he went to bed. Why do men think we're stupid.

 

Should I let him know I've seen text messages.

I wouldn't worry about those text messages..Don't even mention that to him. From what said those texts sound pretty insignificant. The only things that sound off are #1 having a woman at the house when you are gone and #2 saying that he wanted to sleep with his child's mom.

 

Try working on getting him to sleep in bed with you every night. It sounds like there is a huge distance between you and your bf...maybe if you tackle this then everything else will fall into place.

[almost famous]

I don't like that he sent his ex a text about hanging out with her after you had already talked to him about not spending time with her.

He is slime, I would move on.

[imagine]

[quote=Lolodelight;1804565

We talked about the situation. I asked why did you want to sleep with her...? He said it was because I'm wasn't giving him any and that she was his saftey net. I told him not to blame me and that he had the woman in his house in December - what am I supposed do and think?

 

 

"...she was his saftey net"

 

There it is right there. And you are his for her.

[Lolodelight]

Thank you all for your advice: I just called the relationship off!

 

I'm in shock - I don't know what to think!

 

Walk: You are right, I want him to know he's wrong - I just did!

 

Porter218: I tried your suggestion - obviously it hasn't worked!

 

Imagine: I think that you're right too. I'm his safety net which he is in denial about...

 

Almost Famous: I confronted about the text - he couldn't say anything

 

Beautifullove: Instinct(God) is always right.

 

Now I suppose I'm going to cry for a few days

[Walk]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.

 

Make sure you give your self permission to grieve the relationship. You made the decision you had to make, but that doesn't mean a part of you isn't going to be sad for the hopes and dreams that were lost from that relationship.

 

Be sure to update us on how you're doing. *hug*

[Lolodelight]

Thanks Walk. I cried this morning before I informed him this evening.

 

I told him it's off because I didn't trust him. And then I confronted about the text - he said "what can he say, I caught him red handed". He didn't have anything to say, but sorry. I think he's in shock.

 

I think he feels bad because I caught him out, and put him in the class of sorry a** men.

 

I don't think the fullness of the situation has hit me yet - I don't know why

[Walk]

That's all he said? wtf.

 

I suppose that's better then a denial. At least he admitted to it. But geesh, you'd think he'd apologize better.

 

... "but sorry." what the heck kind of apology is that.

 

I always found bad movies, chocolate, and a soft blanket to wrap up in does wonders after heart ache. I'd also suggest calling up one of your friends, or a close family member, and setting up time to hang out with them tomorrow. It's hard to feel motivated to go out and face the world, but its also really good for you to have that time with people who love you. It'll make you feel better.

[jadedone]

Am I missing something? Whey were you not sleeping together if you are living together?

[Lolodelight]

Jadedone: answer to your question, it was a furniture issue.

 

Walk: I've done as you've suggested, except calling my friends. I'm just need to get my head straight. This morning, I'm thinking what did he really want, or was after.

 

He couldn't let go from the child's mother - and never will do.

 

I can't understand why he had to involve me in his messed up world.

 

I suppose you guys are going see me go through my emotions.

[Lolodelight]

Today is the second day of break up! I find it hard to come downstairs in the morning.

 

Now I understand why/how you can stay in bed for days after break up - you don't want to face reality (that's probably why I'm in this space in the first place).

 

Please can someone tell me about the 'NC' thing. I need help.