A no win situation

[Nicky]

Dilemma:

 

My BF needs the equivalent of $17,000 to convert his property in order to sell it in a year or so. He is self-employed, has low income, in debt by $7000, and not surprisingly is finding it difficult to get a loan!

 

I only want the best for him, and want to help him have a "better life". However I don't want to poison the relationship. I think when you involve money in relationships, it can radically change the dynamics for the worse. I think he already has a few difficulties with the fact that I am more financially secure than him, and I don't think that this is helped by the fact I am 15yrs his junior.

 

My logic screams NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Especially since I've been here before (with an Ex), and still don't have the money back from him. I wouldn't expect to see the money from this BF for a few years, and could find ways to secure it legally.

 

But I'm also very wary of the impact it could have on us.

 

What do you think I should do?

[Tony T]

Dear Nicky:

 

About 85 percent of the time, people who post difficulties answer their own questions within their question. You did this time. To quote you: "I think when you involve money in relationships, it can radically change the dynamics for the worse." Well, you are a very sharp lady and you have hit the nail on the head.

 

During my lifetime, I can't number the times I have seen friendships, families, business relationships etc. crumble over money.

 

I am so happy you don't feel the need to bail him out in order for your relationship to continue. Frankly, I think there would be resentment on his part (as their is often in any borrowing/lending situation) because of the nature of your relationship. The fact that you are so much younger with your financial act together brings me to the most important situation...

 

...and that is, you will have to assess your ability to handle the financial aspects of a relationship like this over the long haul. It's obvious he doesn't handle finances well. If you married him, you would be practically obligated to keep bailing him out. Is this something you want to do?

 

Back to your question, don't get involved with your boyfriend financially beyond loaning him a few bucks for lunch here and there. It may make you feel good to be able to help but people always resent owing others money.

 

There are other ways he can do his project. He can find a private source that won't run a credit check. He should advertise in the newspaper and be willing to pay a few interest points above the going rate. He can find someone who would want to joint venture the deal with him for a percentage of the profits, if reasonable profits are anticipated.

 

If he wants to remain self-employed his entire lifetime, he better get on the financial ball, learn some shrewd money skills...because he will need them.

 

DO NOT LOAN ANY BOYFRIEND A SUM OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!

 

You said "My logic screams NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Well, so does mine!!!

 

PS: I really admire the advice you post to others on this forum. You are a really sharp lady.

[Bliss]

Dear Nicky: About 85 percent of the time, people who post difficulties answer their own questions within their question. You did this time. To quote you: "I think when you involve money in relationships, it can radically change the dynamics for the worse." Well, you are a very sharp lady and you have hit the nail on the head. During my lifetime, I can't number the times I have seen friendships, families, business relationships etc. crumble over money. I am so happy you don't feel the need to bail him out in order for your relationship to continue. Frankly, I think there would be resentment on his part (as their is often in any borrowing/lending situation) because of the nature of your relationship. The fact that you are so much younger with your financial act together brings me to the most important situation... ...and that is, you will have to assess your ability to handle the financial aspects of a relationship like this over the long haul. It's obvious he doesn't handle finances well. If you married him, you would be practically obligated to keep bailing him out. Is this something you want to do? Back to your question, don't get involved with your boyfriend financially beyond loaning him a few bucks for lunch here and there. It may make you feel good to be able to help but people always resent owing others money. There are other ways he can do his project. He can find a private source that won't run a credit check. He should advertise in the newspaper and be willing to pay a few interest points above the going rate. He can find someone who would want to joint venture the deal with him for a percentage of the profits, if reasonable profits are anticipated. If he wants to remain self-employed his entire lifetime, he better get on the financial ball, learn some shrewd money skills...because he will need them. DO NOT LOAN ANY BOYFRIEND A SUM OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!

 

You said "My logic screams NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Well, so does mine!!! PS: I really admire the advice you post to others on this forum. You are a really sharp lady.

Dear Nicky

 

I am with Tony. Having been a soft touch in the past, I have lost a LARGE amount of money to a guy I thought was a really good and trusted friend, who took advantage of my admiration for him. I have learnt that if he could rip me off so badly, there isn't anyone you can trust when it comes to money. It actually wasn't so much the money that bugged me (although I would have loved it back) but the fact that I trusted him and he let me down. My motto now is, don't lend anyone money if you're not prepared to lose it. And that means ANYONE. Money does unpleasant things to people.

 

Plus, the kind of people who can't make or handle their own finances are definitely not going to be in any more control with yours. Especially not yours. It will just go the same way theirs did.

 

I hope whatever you do works out for you.

 

Bliss

[Tony T]

Hey Bliss:

 

One of your lines really struck a cord. You said:

 

"The kind of people who can't make or handle their own finances are definitely not going to be in any more control with yours. Especially not yours."

 

How very true that is. I too have been stung lending money to friends, but, I am always prepared to lose it. But what you said above is really, really true. In a very strange way, you have helped me a great deal and I didn't even ask for it. Thanks!!! I hope Nicky is as thrilled as I am.

 

Tony