Typical Male behaviour after a break up?

[watermeloncandy]

Hi all.

 

 

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago (we were together two years). It was mutual. He has a really bad temper that he can't control (long story that really isn't the point) and although we otherwise get along great, there was no way I was going to continue to tolerate this behaviour, and he knows it. We live together and we agreed that we would remain 'friendly' and I could stay as long as I needed to find a new place and that we wouldn't date anyone while living together (he informed me at that time that he wasn't interested in doing anything like that for quite a while). I thought that was great. The first week he was being very nice to me, and I was fine with him, although somewhat weepy at times. Exactly one week after we broke up, on a Sat. night he informs me he's going out. He's dressed-up, put cologne on and cut his finger nails (weird since he really only does that when we are going to have sex and he doesn't want to scratch me...). It bothers me that he's going out without me, and that he's obviously going somewhere, not just out for a drive or whatever.

He leaves. I get onto facebook (which I hate and have since deleted my profile). I notice that his profile picture has changed...I look at his profile. He changed his profile less than 24hrs after breaking up to 'single' and 'interested in women' - he changed all his pictures to 'more attractive ones', and gotten rid of anything to do with me. He has a new 'friend' - some annoymous chick with no last name who turns out to be unsearchable when i look for her. So now I feel sick...who is this person?? She doesnt even live in our city! Remember, he's done this the next day and added this girl a few days later....

I then check the history on the computer...i check that day's history and that's as far as i get because i see that he's been on the site flings.com....

i'm sick to my stomach...

in less than a week he's announced to the world that he's now single, put up new pics and joined a site for casual sex....i'm so hurt by this.

I feel like I meant nothing to him for him to be able to do something like this so quickly!! And I think he's done this kind of this before since he was able to do this so fast....which makes him a liar because he told me he wasn't into casual sex and he had more respect for himself than that, and I believed him.

He got home at 4am (i was still awake) and informed me that he had a 'great time!!!" as I picked a long blonde hair off him and showed him....he basically fobbed it off as nothing...whatever...i have no proof that he actually did anything when he went out. he said he went to a bar to listen to a band...

whatever...but when i asked him about facebook, his response was 'what did you expect me to do?" - um maybe WAIT a while!! OMG then NEXT DAY for god's sake?? he couldn't just wait??? And this girl he claims is someone he met on a 'dating website' 3 years ago and chatted with but never met...so how did they find each other on facebook when her profile is UNSEARCHABLE???

I couldn't even respond to him...I didn't bother bringing up flings.com. I asked him if he picked up or got laid and he said "no! of course not! i'm not ready for something like that!" I felt like yelling at him "REALLY??? SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON FLINGS.COM THEN????!!!"

I'm just so hurt, insulted and disgusted....If I had done something like that, he'd have been furious and hurt as well!!!

Anyways, I am being told that this is a typical male response - I have rejected him as a man and now he's finding validation from other women - how the hell does a man get 'validation' from some slut who will **** anything???? How does that make a man feel like he's worth something???

Anyone else have this happen?

 

oh and he's displayed no emotion whatsoever to the break up and when i mentioned that to him he said that he's dealing with it "in his own way" - pfft.......like screwing strange women??? (yeah, i know i have no proof...but all signs point....)

[wareagle]

What should he be doing? Wallowing in self pity? You guy's are broke up, time to move on! I suggest you get out as soon as possible!!

[Trialbyfire]

OP, is it that you regret the breakup or are you doing the dog in the manger routine where you still feel he's yours? Is it possible that you broke up with him to try to force him to become what you wanted?

[Jilly Bean]

I can relate to this, hon.

 

My BF and I broke up recently, and within weeks, he was engaged to some woman that he dated long before me, and hasn't seen in years. I was in shock, to say the least.

 

He since has come clean that he did it only to hurt me (I broke up with him), and that he has no intention of marrying her.

 

BUT, to me, I didn't begrudge him moving on and finding new women. I just felt like his bonehead move cheapened anything that we had, and was a slap in the face.

 

I think your BF is acting out to hurt you AND also minimize his grief. He is trying to bury his pain in some other chick, and doesn't mind if you catch wind of it.

 

NOT the right way to handle things, but people can get insane from the grief of a break-up.

 

How much longer is he going to stay with you?

[vonerik012]

If you feel he had a "really bad temper" you should be relieved he is gone..

[Ronni_W]

I wouldn't say that his current behaviour is any reflection on his past relationship and how he felt about you.

Likely it (current crap) is more his ineffective way of coping with the break-up. Maybe there's also a bit of him trying to hurt you BUT that would just be an assumption until he confirms it himself.

 

But yeah...it is hellishly difficult living in the same house, and watching the other get ready for dates and, on the surface at least, look like they are "letting go and moving on" -- from my own similar experience, it really is just them trying to delude themselves AND avoiding their painful emotions.

 

(((hugs)))

[watermeloncandy]

Thanks for your responses.

 

I suppose I am wanting him to respond to the break up the same way I am, which isn't fair, but on the other hand, in less than a week, he's behaving like this??? It's a ****-ty thing to do. Is he so desperate for validation that he couldn't wait until I was gone? My god....

 

Yes, he does have a really bad temper, and the actual break up, I have no regrets about...it's the lack of respect he's showing me and the two years together.

 

 

We are moving my stuff out today. I am then out of the country for a couple of weeks, but when I come back, I'm going to say 'goodbye' to him.

Jillybean and Ronni - I agree with you both...you are right.

This is probably his way of dealing with the break up...those that have been through this, understand how awful this kind of behaviour makes you feel...disrespected, devalued, humilated, insulted, disgusted....

And I think he knew that I'd see his facebook change, the new girl, and see the history on the computer..he knows I look at stuff like that, so yeah, I think he's trying to hurt me since I have rejected him as a 'man'...i just don't understand how finding some woman to screw makes him feel better.....it's all fake attention (like you said, deluding himself..)...not like a woman like that really likes him or anything....it's just about one thing...sex...

 

It's nice to know that there are other women who have gone through this (thank you for your support!!) and understanding.

It's been a tough couple of weeks since I have to still be around him...but once I say goodbye, that'll be it.

 

Did any of you write letters to your ex to tell them how you feel?

[sandrawg]

Hey Watermeloncandy,

 

I can somewhat relate to what you're going through, except my ex-bf hooked up with his EX as soon as we broke up--I mean, w/in a couple of weeks--and this was a girl who had been gunning for him the whole time we were together--trying to stick to him like a Bounce sheet to a freshly cleaned sock.

 

Then he decided he wanted to get back with me. Foolishly, I took him back. He wouldn't cut the girl out of his life until I was standing over him breaking up with him. Now we have serious trust issues.

 

You are best off moving out and away from this guy--he needs to deal with the breakup in his own way, and if that means having a booty call or two, so be it. You shouldn't have to be there to watch, though. The effects of that kind of thing linger-the feeling that you must have meant so little to him. And it's hard not to think that, but I guess to men, meaningless sex is like a pint of haagen-daaz to a woman, when they're going through a breakup. Sorry you're suffering through this.

[Ronni_W]

Did any of you write letters to your ex to tell them how you feel?

Nah. I didn't see his actions as having ANYTHING to do with me. I genuinely believed (and still believe) that his actions were about whatever was going on for him. And I realized that he has his own way of coping with his stuff (which is very different than how I deal with mine but...he gets to do it his way, is what I thought.)

 

I dunno. Maybe it was just a thought that I chose to hold -- that, in truth and reality, nothing he or I did from the moment of break-up added to or detracted from all our years together. I did not even try to relate our then-current feelings and behaviours to who and what we were as a couple. (For me, that would have been emotional self-torture, which I'm not so much into .)

 

My response to his actions really were reflective of my own crap. I no longer had any rights or privileges to get pissed off at him no matter WHAT he got up to. That is the truth that I just had to remind myself of, whenever it came up for me. At the end of the day, the stuff that I chose to believe and think helped me to not feel disrespected or judgmental or anything like that. Honestly, I was in enough pain and confusion of my own and didn't need him (his actions) to add to it.

[Jilly Bean]

No, my ex called me drunk and confessed everything. You know the conversation - you're a bitch, I love you more than life - lol. I was able to tell him how hurt I was that his foolish actions left me numb and that I felt it completely diminished what we had. Yes, it was over, but it could have been left as a good memory, rather than what it was.

 

I dunno - I think it depends what side you've been on of the break-up. I have certainly acted in ways like your bf - irrationally acting out. It's easier for me to sit here now and comment harshly on his actions because my emotions were not as strong as his.

 

I think it's unfortunate your bf did this, but I know you know it's only from his deep pain, and this is his way to cope. Remember, as a woman, you have the ability to communicate and deal with your feelings. Men - not so much. His support system (guys) will say, "oh, you guys broke up? Sucks. Want to watch the game?" Whereas I am sure you have spent ad naseum hours dissecting every detail with your girls. I think that's why women tend to move on easier and better...

[watermeloncandy]

sandrawg, ronni and jillybean - i know rationally that what you are saying is true - the logical part of me agrees...its just so friggin HARD to not let this bother me. i think about him doing this stuff and it kills me..men and women are such different creatures...

 

ronni- i'm going to print off your comments and keep them with me and read them over and over again. i think it might help keep my thoughts in check. when i do either talk to him or write him a letter, i'm going to be sure to put in alot of positive things etc...but i feel this real need to let him know how hurt i am. i just have to realize that i may not hear what i want to hear when i pour my heart out to him and be prepared for that.

 

we moved all my stuff (or most of it) out of his apt. today and into storage. i'm going to stay with my folks for a bit until i'm better sorted. i've been alone before and been perfectly fine, i can do it again...it's just hard, thinking about all the things i'm going to miss doing with him.

 

did you guys find someone else? or are you happily single now?

[Ronni_W]

did you guys find someone else? or are you happily single now?

I went against my own excellent advice -- got into something within months of separation. Figured it for a rebound but it made me feel really good at the time, which I desperately needed to do, so I thought, "Wtf?"

But I also did self-help personal development, hundreds of hours of therapy, and joined a local divorce support group. Did a pretty good job of keeping my "emotional healing" stuff separate from the (new) relationship.

 

We did have a few rough patches about three years into things...but got through that and just moved in together a few months ago (10 years since we started dating.) He is really the super-best b/f I could ever hope for .

 

Through all of it, ex and I managed to stay friendly. That is something I wanted and worked very hard for. Was purely out of self-interest: I just didn't want to be the biatch ex-wife that every other divorced man has, to disparage at will and whim. Plus, ex is a nice guy (well, most of the time ) and I adore his family. He and I stayed in the same house for years and years after divorce. (That's how I know the piss-off of seeing him treat his dates how I would have liked to be treated, once in a while.) Over the years, we've attended each other's families' functions and celebrations. Ex and b/f are also friendly -- play golf together, b/f helps him with his car probs, and such.

 

But ex's new g/f (of about 18 months) seems a bit threatened by all of that...so I do not know what his future holds for his relationships with me, b/f and my family. If it comes to that, his loss. And hers, too, really...we all have love enough for her, too.

 

And that's my little story, in a nutshell. Not sure if it is something that'll help or hinder your own efforts -- Basically, just do what your own heart is telling you to do...no matter if everyone else thinks you're nuts for trying it.

[sandrawg]

 

did you guys find someone else? or are you happily single now?

 

I would say I am in a screwy position right now. I'm back with my bf but, frankly, i've got one foot out the door. The ex he hooked up with, was always disrespecting our relationship, constantly contacting him while we were together before, despite him trying to set boundaries. So when I found out he jumped into bed w/her after we broke up, I was LIVID. It really hurt.

 

I told him he needed to lose her like a bad penny. 3 weeks later, I found a text message (by accident) on his phone from guess who? The persistent ex.

 

Then I found out he had lied to me about his contact with her, back when we were together before.

 

Everytime I try to break up with him, he begs me to take him back. I'm ready for this to be over, though. I'm really tired of this drama, all because he couldn't let go of the attention from this b***h.

[BCCA]

I dont think its typical MALE behavior, I think that behavior is typical of a lot of people, M/F alike. A lot of people want the attention, excitement (and sex!) they had in a relationship without the commitment. I've known a fair share of women to break up with a guy and leave a bar the same night with a random guy, just to get past things. People are going to be as selfish as possible following a relationship, and a lot of people cope by jumping into bed with another person (or trying to). I dont think it has as much to do with you as it does with helping him get through it. For a lot of people, a "booty call" will work for a while until they can stand on their own two feet or meet some one else.

 

Some people also have a hard time imagining themselves with some one else, so they figure the sooner they get past that the better.

[watermeloncandy]

ronni - i'd like to be able to be friendly with him after all is said and done, and maybe someday we will. certainly not right now. but then again, it would be extremely difficult for me to see him move on to someone else knowing what i know about him and i think i'd feel bad for the next girl. it'll end in heartbreak too.

it's nice to hear that you have found someone great. i hope i do too.

 

sandrawg- you don't need that kind of crap in your life. it's hard to let go of someone (obviously speaking from my experience right now but not taking my own advice lol) but you gotta take care of you. you don't deserve to be with someone who treats you like that.

 

BCCA - i can't imagine doing something like that. it wouldn't make me feel better. it'd make me feel gross. so i can't really understand that mentality. so it makes it really hard for me to understand how him doing something like this would be acceptable to him. especially since he told me during our relationship he wasn't into doing stuff like that and that he had more respect for himself than that. what a liar. it really makes me sick.

[watermeloncandy]

so i got back from a business trip on sat. night.

sunday i called him to tell him that i wanted to come by and pick up the rest of my stuff.

he said he'd be home.

after we loaded my car, we went back upstairs and i gave him my keys.

he looked about as upset as i've ever seen him without crying. he came to me and hugged me. when i had imagined this happening, i thought i'd push him away, tell him he's disgusting, that i hate him, blah blah blah.

but that's not what happened. i hugged him back and he held me tighter and i realized how hard this was for him and i started bawling.

i then broke away and told him that i haven't stopped loving him (which i find odd since i'm so disgusted with him at the same time) and he said he still loved me. i had started to tell him that i originally wanted to help support him if he wanted to seek help for his anger issues, but that i'd changed my mind after seeing that the facebook thing and flings.com etc. but i ended up suggesting to him that he come see my counsellor with me and see if the counsellor can help him or offer him suggestions on what, if anything, can be done for him (and completely sideswiped my main concern...). we sat and talked for a couple of hours (well, he did all the talking about what is wrong with him and i listened) but i never found an opportunity after that to bring up how hurt i am by the facebook thing, etc.

He said a few things that made me want to scream at him though (like how he always accepts responsibility for what he does, which i know he doesn't) but again, i guess i didn't want it to turn into an argument.

so now i've gone and been nice, and now i still have to deal with him in my life, and i haven't really said to him what i want to say. i'm so frustrated.

i guess it's because i care about him that i want him to get help...but at the same time i want him to know how hurtful his actions were to me (regardless of whether or not they are 'normal' for a guy).

i will talk to the counsellor about having a session with my ex and me and maybe if there is time during the session, i can suggest bringing up my issue as well since there will be a mediator there and he could possibly help us both understand each other.....

there is the very logical part of me that pops up once in a while that just says "%$& it" he's not worth it and i 'get' why he's done what he's done...but i'm like a terrier and can't let go of this bone i've got. the hurt i feel outways that %$& it feeling....

 

and i have this week off work and nothing to do...i can't think of a thing to do that would help keep me occupied and my mind off of things. i feel like my thoughts are consumed with thinking about this. i have nothing else to focus on.....or little else....then it goes comes back to rob.....

you know what's funny...before we broke up i really wasn't sure that i cared about him or even loved him and knew that i was eventually going to end it with him...now that we have broken up i see how much i do love and care about him...god, it would have been so much easier if i just hated him outright.