When the Married Person Separates from Their Spouse

[Mino]

This is not my definition of taking things slowly. This is wayyyy too fast. IMHO.

 

I would not help him with all this shopping, because he needs to make these transitions himself. He needs to be on his own and responsible for himself for a while. I would be okay visiting his place, but not helping him furnish it and get 'linens n' things'. LOL.

 

A MM (cheating or otherwise) is used to having a woman (his W, usually) do those kinds of things for him. Before the W, it was more than likely Mom or someone related to him. This is one of the reasons why they stray. Too much mothering/help.

 

He needs to stand on his own. Map out his own identity without the female help. Decorate for himself, even if it is hideous.

 

Because if you don't let him do these things on his own, your boundaries are going to get muddled and disappear altogether.

 

So, IMHO, too fast. Slow down the pace. Curb the enthusiasm, so to speak. Visit, date, but don't decorate.

oh crap,,, I guess I did it all wrong too... I helped decorate my mm place too... His taste, well um....different,I kinda ran behind his decorating to clean it up... Now you make me think , maybe i should have let him do it himself... Yikes....

[Mino]

So basically they made others accept their relationship by a "lie by omission".

 

Is that really how you want this relationship to start?

 

That's one of the reasons I suggested NC until he's actually DIVORCED.

Owl, that is not realistic, that could take 1-2 years....

[Mino]

You wanna know how we did it?

 

We just moved in together.

 

And let the chips fall where they did.

 

It worked for us.

 

'Course my whole attitude is "If you don't pay my bills, why do I care what you think?" It's a mentality that has served me well.

 

And we're very happy. This is the man that was made for me. And we love each other deeply. And there wasn't a thing that would stop me from being with him.

 

Do what you need to do. Live your life the way you need to. Love like you've never been hurt.

 

GEL

great post Gel... Who cares what other people say... You may be the Talk for a week... then people will have a new subject, the next hot gossipe, you will be old news... People will always talk behind your back... if I had to worry about what each and everyone thinks, I would be sitting in a corner right now:confused: Even the people that do talk crap about you are not perfect... So live your life for you.

[wildsoul]

He needs to stand on his own. Map out his own identity without the female help. Decorate for himself' date=' even if it is hideous.[/quote']

He is standing and acting on his own. I'm not doing his whole place, just gave him a jumpstart. I'm sympathetic that he's going from the big custom home to a 1 bedroom apartment. I'm well-known for being able to decorate with champagne taste on a beer budget. Why not give him a dash of enthusiasm and fun? I see no point in witholding affection and help to teach him a lesson from the school of hard knocks. I helped write up a shopping list and went to the store. No big deal. I'm not doing any of his grunt work. Not helping him move. Not cleaning. None of the "responsiblity" stuff.

 

Besides, I don't want to visit a "hideous," apartment. And it makes no sense to let him spend money now, only so I can help him make improvements later. The furniture he buys now may very well be part of "our" furniture in the future.

 

[Comment not specific to anyone in particular] I gotta say that while I appreciate the intent, I find many of the posters here to be unreasonably hard ass. Always assuming the worst. Suggesting that everything has to be so strict and punishing. It gets tedious. Nothing the MP can do is fast enough, or perfect enough. I agree that most OW/M have such thick rose colored glasses on that members get weary of good advice going ignored. But everyone is SO cautious. Again, I like the input and do see the positive intent.

 

I think my guy has done very well by taking action within 3 weeks of our break up. I'm cautious too, as much remains to be seen, but sheesh...I think he's doing good right now. In turn, I'm going to meet him in kindness and respect too.

[whichwayisup]

Lower your expectations here and do less. This man can't just jump out of his marriage and right into your arms, start a new life so quickly. You're very involved and he needs abit of alone time, breathing time. Like it or not, he WILL have some emotional fallout and feelings of loss after his marriage is over. You shouldn't put or expect committment from him for a while, if you do that, you'll be disappointed.

[Cheesecake]

[Comment not specific to anyone in particular] I gotta say that while I appreciate the intent, I find many of the posters here to be unreasonably hard ass. Always assuming the worst. Suggesting that everything has to be so strict and punishing. It gets tedious. Nothing the MP can do is fast enough, or perfect enough. I agree that most OW/M have such thick rose colored glasses on that members get weary of good advice going ignored. But everyone is SO cautious. Again, I like the input and do see the positive intent.

 

I think my guy has done very well by taking action within 3 weeks of our break up. I'm cautious too, as much remains to be seen, but sheesh...I think he's doing good right now. In turn, I'm going to meet him in kindness and respect too.

 

Hi Wildsoul. First of all, yay! Sounds like things are progressing nicely. Stay positive, chiquita. I wish you the very best.

 

And I couldn't agree with you more. I don't think being negative and a "hard" ass is necessarily the best advice. Actually, being a hard ass is one thing, but being negative is never a good way to get through any situation. I guess the reason you don't hear more good "positive" advice on here is because perhaps most of the posters are still trying to resolve some kind of pain of their own. I don't know - just a guess.

 

Anyway, you're going to love the "How to Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce". It is chuck full of great advice AND inspiring success stories.

[wildsoul]

Like it or not, he WILL have some emotional fallout and feelings of loss after his marriage is over. You shouldn't put or expect committment from him for a while, if you do that, you'll be disappointed.

I agree with you. The minimum level of committment I need in order to date him is that he be separated. He has also been telling me how he's not going back, etc. I didn't ask him to promise me that, but it did influence me of course. He is very clear and expressive about how I am the love of his life and is making future plans. He means it.

 

BUT, I also think that he doesn't really know how the D process is going to affect him. No one knows. Even if it goes very well, he will have to process thru some levels of grief. He needs to that work alone, with a therapist, or with family/friends. Thankfully, he based his decision to move where he did in large part because there is a network of people he can tap into for support. For my part, I'll have to also find my way. A practice in being involved, but not too much, while also looking after my own interests. I'm definitely easing in, not jumping in!

[norajane]

And it makes no sense to let him spend money now, only so I can help him make improvements later. The furniture he buys now may very well be part of "our" furniture in the future.

 

Is it up to you to "let him" spend money?

 

You are too invested too quickly. You are already fantasizing about how it might be.

 

The reason people are telling you not to decorate is because it sucks you into thinking in terms of "our" and "us". Make him work for you - don't give your heart away so quickly.

[wildsoul]

Is it up to you to "let him" spend money?

 

You are too invested too quickly. You are already fantasizing about how it might be.

 

The reason people are telling you not to decorate is because it sucks you into thinking in terms of "our" and "us". Make him work for you - don't give your heart away so quickly.

Oh gosh, I really didn't mean anything when I wrote "let him."

 

But seriously, I don't think it's over the line to consider our future. He has told me many many times that he is committed to me. That he is going to show me thru actions. That he wants a future with me. I'm keeping some of my reserve up still, because he really does need to prove his words to me, but what is the freaking point of dating him without considering the future? And since I don't plan on waiting around until that furniture is considered retro, it only makes sense that we should both like it.

 

I get your meaning and appreciate the support though!

 

LOLZ: This might also explain why he wanted my help picking out the bed and sofa. He wants to know that I like it, because he knows this story: Last year I dated a guy. We got along well enough. Some chemistry. On our 6th date, I went to his place for the first time. OMG. His decorating taste was appalling! And I hate to sound shallow, but I just knew there was no chance in hell of me and that guy having a future. Our esthetic was just too different. I broke up with him afterwards. So I think MM wants to make sure I like his new furniture.

[Mino]

He is standing and acting on his own. I'm not doing his whole place, just gave him a jumpstart. I'm sympathetic that he's going from the big custom home to a 1 bedroom apartment. I'm well-known for being able to decorate with champagne taste on a beer budget. Why not give him a dash of enthusiasm and fun? I see no point in witholding affection and help to teach him a lesson from the school of hard knocks. I helped write up a shopping list and went to the store. No big deal. I'm not doing any of his grunt work. Not helping him move. Not cleaning. None of the "responsiblity" stuff.

 

Besides, I don't want to visit a "hideous," apartment. And it makes no sense to let him spend money now, only so I can help him make improvements later. The furniture he buys now may very well be part of "our" furniture in the future.

 

[Comment not specific to anyone in particular] I gotta say that while I appreciate the intent, I find many of the posters here to be unreasonably hard ass. Always assuming the worst. Suggesting that everything has to be so strict and punishing. It gets tedious. Nothing the MP can do is fast enough, or perfect enough. I agree that most OW/M have such thick rose colored glasses on that members get weary of good advice going ignored. But everyone is SO cautious. Again, I like the input and do see the positive intent.

 

I think my guy has done very well by taking action within 3 weeks of our break up. I'm cautious too, as much remains to be seen, but sheesh...I think he's doing good right now. In turn, I'm going to meet him in kindness and respect too.

great post, especially about the mm not ever being able to do anything, fast enough or good enough. I too helped my mm, with anything I could to take some of the pressure and crap off of his plate. He has enough to deal with, and beng there to take some of the load of him is something I would also do for my best friend. He knows he can rely on me, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as I see he is moving forward, I will continue to be his support. I also understand since you will be spending alot of time with him at his place that you want to be comforable too. Go ahead, support your man!!! The way the bs see it, is that you still should disapear for a year or so, till the ink is dry and so is the R you have is too. Somehow they just don't ever want it to work... Good Luck sweetie:love:

[OWoman]

Owl, that is not realistic, that could take 1-2 years....

 

Or 5+ in the UK...

[OWoman]

oveI am curious as to how the others who've come out to family/friends made it work. The couples I know who've done so, pretty much did it through being vague. Sort of a don't ask, don't tell policy, where they wait a few weeks or month after separation then make it seem like they just started dating then.

 

We were always "out", having gotten together in a pretty public way to start with. Everyone was supportive and encouraging from the start. Now that he's left his W, moved into a new place and actively Ding, they've amped that up even more. Since I arrived and moved in, we've been the darlings of the social circuit, lurching from dinner to wedding to lunch to barbecue... His friends, family and colleagues are just so thrilled to see him happy, and with someone who loves him and respects him.

 

I've overheard the kids explaining "Dad's GF" to their friends who visit (who've obviously met the W) and it's all pretty natural. "OWoman is Dad's GF that he left Mom for". Everyone's perfectly cool with it.

 

And this is a TINY place, and pretty conservative relative to what I'm used to...

[crystal_lostheart]

Hey WS,

 

I'm happy to hear you are proceeding with caution. Best thing you can do. There is so much to think about here and for your own peace of mind - take the time to do this. If his feelings for you are true as he says - he will respect whatever you decide in handling this. It is a big decision. The last thing we want is for you to get hurt all over again. You have the power now and do what you think is best for YOU first and foremost.

 

Take Care

[waleen]

good question..i have pics of my kids on my desk and not my husband and i'll tell you the truth for my situation...i don't like my husband very much the way he treats me sometimes so i dont feel as close to him as i once did...therefore i dont care to look at him 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.. i see his face enough when i'm home..i still care about him but not as much....also my kids are my whole life i would kill for them...especially my son who is an exceptional person.

[NoIDidn't]

Is it up to you to "let him" spend money?

 

You are too invested too quickly. You are already fantasizing about how it might be.

 

The reason people are telling you not to decorate is because it sucks you into thinking in terms of "our" and "us". Make him work for you - don't give your heart away so quickly.

 

great post, especially about the mm not ever being able to do anything, fast enough or good enough. I too helped my mm, with anything I could to take some of the pressure and crap off of his plate. He has enough to deal with, and beng there to take some of the load of him is something I would also do for my best friend. He knows he can rely on me, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as I see he is moving forward, I will continue to be his support. I also understand since you will be spending alot of time with him at his place that you want to be comforable too. Go ahead, support your man!!! The way the bs see it, is that you still should disapear for a year or so, till the ink is dry and so is the R you have is too. Somehow they just don't ever want it to work... Good Luck sweetie:love:

 

I know I am seen as a hard ass, but oh well. Its not hard or harsh. Its reality. If you want things to work out, you gotta slow them down.

 

The parts that I bolded are precisely why I don't agree with the decorating for or even with him. Mino's post shows how her boundaries are disappearing as well. Eventually you take everything off of his plate all in an effort to help him, and you won't even know how you got there so fast.

 

I don't really care for all this BS stuff, so we can leave that for another thread. Its not relevant here. Its not enough to say that you are putting in boundaries when its evident that you don't really know where they should start and/or end. A divorcing person NEEDS to depend on THEMSELVES for a little bit. That doesn't mean that you have to disappear, but you have to know when to pull back and give them some space (affair or not).

 

It is my opinion that he should decorate his own place, cook his own food, clean his own kitchen. What is the point of getting his *own* place, if someone else is always going to be there to do it for him? And, of course, he's going to let you and look forward to letting you do things for him. Who wouldn't?

 

I'm really not trying to be argumentative or combative, so I apologize if it comes across in that way. I am not advising you to protect your heart because I think that's counterproductive. But you do need to know what things are your responsibilities and what are his. Taking on his things will erode whatever boundaries you have and that is not in the best interest of having a healthy relationship.

[OWoman]

I know I am seen as a hard ass, but oh well. Its not hard or harsh. Its reality. If you want things to work out, you gotta slow them down.

 

The parts that I bolded are precisely why I don't agree with the decorating for or even with him. Mino's post shows how her boundaries are disappearing as well. Eventually you take everything off of his plate all in an effort to help him, and you won't even know how you got there so fast.

 

I don't really care for all this BS stuff, so we can leave that for another thread. Its not relevant here. Its not enough to say that you are putting in boundaries when its evident that you don't really know where they should start and/or end. A divorcing person NEEDS to depend on THEMSELVES for a little bit. That doesn't mean that you have to disappear, but you have to know when to pull back and give them some space (affair or not).

 

It is my opinion that he should decorate his own place, cook his own food, clean his own kitchen. What is the point of getting his *own* place, if someone else is always going to be there to do it for him? And, of course, he's going to let you and look forward to letting you do things for him. Who wouldn't?

 

I'm really not trying to be argumentative or combative, so I apologize if it comes across in that way. I am not advising you to protect your heart because I think that's counterproductive. But you do need to know what things are your responsibilities and what are his. Taking on his things will erode whatever boundaries you have and that is not in the best interest of having a healthy relationship.

 

It's not every day I agree with NID, and while I'm the last person to argue that one solution fits in all cases, this certainly was important for my MM. Emerging from an abusive M, where his wife had called the shots on everything from the ghastly curtains to where his clothes were allowed to be kept, it was very important for him to set up a space that was HIS, where he chose the furnishings, decided what went where and stocked the fridge with food HE liked. Sure, he would have preferred me to be part of that decision-making, and he certainly would have gone along with my suggestions, but as it turned out he's pretty pleased with having pulled it all off himself - particularly as I made only very minor adjustments when I arrived .

 

WS I get what you're saying about him wanting to get it right first time so that you're happy with how he's set things up, but... the same way that the other guy's style alerted you to a big warning about incompatibility when you saw it, you might want to use the opportunity to see exactly how compatible you are, style-wise, with this guy too rather than potential differences being papered overearly on in an effort to please, but later emerging (consciously or otherwise) as frustrations between you.

[wildsoul]

WS I get what you're saying about him wanting to get it right first time so that you're happy with how he's set things up, but... the same way that the other guy's style alerted you to a big warning about incompatibility when you saw it, you might want to use the opportunity to see exactly how compatible you are, style-wise, with this guy too rather than potential differences being papered overearly on in an effort to please, but later emerging (consciously or otherwise) as frustrations between you.

That's an interesting point about seeing what his style/habits are. I was telling him awhile back, perhaps during our breakup talk, how the A dynamic made our R evolve in an unnatural way. Normally, after so many months, I would know things about him such as if he uses a hamper or piles clothes on the floor. I would know about his ways of daily living. That's probably when I mentioned the other guy I dated who I've since dubbed "barcalounger man." Sure, MM spends a lot of time at my home and we've done domestic things there, but it's not the same.

 

Really, I'm not overly involved in his set up. It's hard to tell from posts here. But I do agree with you about slowing things down, and also boundaries.

 

One sweet thing is that he keeps mentioning all these romantic dinners he is going to cook for me there. We've already discussed food/cooking enough that I know he's not a chef. He's helped cook a teeny bit here, but for the most part, I've been the one cooking fab meals, while he'll take us out to the fab restaurant. What I like about his offering to cook is that he is imagining making his home a nice place where he is the host, receiving me. His mindset isn't me coming over to do things for him. He's taking ownership.

[2sunny]

1).One sweet thing is that he keeps mentioning all these romantic dinners he is going to cook for me there.

 

2). I know he's not a chef.

 

3). What I like about his offering to cook is that he is imagining making his home a nice place where he is the host, receiving me. His mindset isn't me coming over to do things for him.

 

4). He's taking ownership.

 

1 = the making dinner is just an obsolete vision of you two together for an evening at his place.

 

2 = he must know this so he knows he's not offering his cooking ability at the moment - just the "experience."

 

3 = see item #2 above. receiving you... :lmao: sorry - i can't help myself...

 

4 = uh oh! :eek: careful now! your words are scaring me...

[wildsoul]

4 = uh oh! :eek: careful now! your words are scaring me...

LOLZ...

You know what I meant. But you are always keen on reading for Fruedian slips on this board.

[2sunny]

LOLZ...

You know what I meant. But you are always keen on reading for Fruedian slips on this board.

 

:lmao:

LOL wow- i never thought of myself in that light... hmmmm

 

i usually notice it more when someone speaks... but when someone types - they have more time to consider the words given and used. so i tend to take given words at face value.

 

but, then again double and triple meanings tend to jump at me and i wonder what interpretation the mind is actually intending when it is written.

 

either way, just wondering how you're doing this weekend?

 

i'm glad you seem to have a good perspective about balance and your own sense of what will and won't make you happy.

[wildsoul]

:lmao:

i usually notice it more when someone speaks... but when someone types - they have more time to consider the words given and used.

Oh, if you think people on the internet think before typing, then you are gravely mistaken.

 

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking.

[2sunny]

did you see MM over the weekend? what's the progress?