When the Married Person Separates from Their Spouse

[jj33]

WS we have been cross posting. If he can file for separation I think that is ideal. Even if he wouldnt do it otherwise and is doing it to "show willing", if having you back in his life sooner rather than later is important enough to him, he will do it.

 

With no disrespect to his W, it will also be a definitive action in terms of letting her know that he really means to go through with it.

 

Can he still drag it out? Sure but at least you will know for sure that he is starting to follow through. If you want to be really sure you might wait until she has responded to his filing (assuming that a response is required in your state).

 

Waiting until the ink is dry may be the safest course but to me it doesnt seem necessary if he is really taking steps to end the marriage and is not just dallying and playing both sides of the fence.

 

At that point I suppose the question is whether you can really have a fresh start while he is mid divorce? Will he be so stressed by it all that the fresh start is not possible? We dont know him, you do and perhaps that is a question that can only be answered in time.

[jj33]

One more thing. Some people stay "separated" for years due to the financial complications of divorce. Once couples are officially legally separated they are no treated as being married for certain purposes but married for other purposes Im not quite sure how it all works.

 

Depending on how it works in your state, if the actual divorce is important to you, you will want to ensure he is vigorously following through with the divorce when the time comes. I know there are all sorts of time limits in some states where you have to be separated for a period of time before you can actually get a divorce.

 

On the other hand, you may be OK with a formal legal separation so long as it is official and it means you can have a life out in the open together. if you ever decide to marry at that point the actual D would become more important.

[wildsoul]

WS, just let me say this to you: I have been watching my MW "go through her divorce" now for 6 months... NO WAIT, there is no divorce going on.. no papers, no separation, no telling anyone else (but me of course).. sure, there has been "talk" between them, there has been "preparing", but nothing more than that.. I think I am losing my mind.. DO NOT SIT AND WATCH.. Do not waste time waiting...

Yeppers! That is my concern. Obviously, the dynamic in these A's is that the MP makes it appear to the OW/M that they are on their way out. But then on the other side, it seems little or nothing is being told to the spouse. And it drags on interminably.

 

As greengoddess pointed out (and believe me, is foremost on my mind) we've already had a false start on his separation. He took action in getting a room rental, but then dragged his feet on continuing to take steps towards a D. Meanwhile, she lost her job and it all halted. I gave him a chance too early. Honestly, I don't think he was deliberately playing me, but the fact that he was moving so damn slow was a problem. I want a do-over, not a repeat!

[norajane]

Why not just tell him you don't know if or when you can start seeing him again - that you'll just have to see what he does about his marriage and he should call you later when he's DONE something rather than just talking about doing something...and then you'll see how you feel about what he's done so far.

 

Certainly don't sit around waiting for him to do anything. Live your life. Once he gets his act together, IF he gets his act together, then you can re-evaluate if you want him back in your life.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WS,

 

You sound so smart, kind and introspective. Take a few hours and read back through your own posts, sans the replies.

 

If this man were free tomorrow, you would only be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. He's not who you want to believe he is and he has shown you that through his own actions. You are banking on the fantasy that he has created. I'm sorry for your pain but I honestly believe that you are being manipulated by him.

 

The way he responded to your break up speaks mountains about him. His ads on craig's list show you what type of person he is. He needs those things to feel validated. That's not going to change when/if he is with you. Don't prolong your misery. Don't allow him to bring down who you have become without him. Good Luck, IWWH

[GreenEyedLady]

Only you know what is best for you.

 

If you are not 100% sure that he is the kind of man you want to live your life with, then this shouldn't matter to you in the least.

 

If you are sure, then wild horses can't keep you apart, much less anonymous posters on the internet. The doomsday scenario didn't deter me and I ended up with what I needed.

 

I'm not convinced that you are really that "into" him. You don't trust him (not saying I blame you) but without trust, the R cannot be healthy or happy for long. Trust is essential because the transition is difficult and more of an emotional roller coaster than just being in the A.

 

Good luck whatever you decide. If you do decide to get back together with him, it may be good to post less about your personal R until you are stable and offer support to others instead. Reason being that it is easy for what is said here, to follow you back to real life. Remember you know yourself and him. No one here does. We see patterns etc, but when it comes down to it, no one knows what anyone will do. I was told many times that mine would never leave and we all know how that turned out.

 

This is your life. Live it with no regrets.

 

GEL

[whichwayisup]

The doomsday scenario didn't deter me and I ended up with what I needed.

GEL, many situations don't end up like yours because your MM ended his marriage quickly and he certainly didn't dick you around, didn't treat you like crap, didn't call you bitch and didn't make promises that he couldn't keep.

 

I know you are trying to help, to give hope to some, not to give up, but it also all depends on the MM and how serious he is about divorcing. This guy of WS's really sounds like he isn't sure. After almost 6 months of an affair, is he honestly in a position to throw away his marriage, his house, his life for someone else that he only knows in an affair setting?

[jj33]

Only WS knows the situation but it doesnt sound like he is "throwing away" the marriage for WS. Based on her prior posts he was unhappy for a long time and filled in the gaps with As. He is now motivated to leave, WS was the trigger.

 

Has he behaved perfectly - not by a longshot. Is it certain he will do the right thing and they will end up together? No.

 

But I think the fact that he seems to be taking swift action makes it more promising than most situations where the MM does nothing or comes back with the same old declarations of love and whatever time he can sneak away from his W.

 

The question is what will he do next.

[Mino]

Current news:

My xMM said he told his wife he is moving out.

He is looking at rental units today.

He told me that he expects to find something within a month or less.

He wants to know if I'll get back together with him after he's moved out so that we can have a fresh start, out in the open, with his intention being a long term committed R with me.

 

I'm just starting to collect and organize my thoughts.

 

Old news:

When I broke up with him (end of July) it was because he had started his separation process in April by renting a room in someone else's home. But I was getting the intuition that his W saw it as a very temporary "needing space" kind of arrangement. Then when she lost her job (economic reality in her industry) he said that he couldn't push for more separation. That process halted, and I was forced to break up with him.

 

I told him that I would only date him if he was truly separated, it was established with her and everyone else in his life that he was dating again. We had to be out in the open.

 

Previously, he told me that there was no way he could make his move now. I took this as my answer: if he really wanted to be divorced, and really wanted to be with me, he'd do it. So I've been analysing everything that happened, posting here, figuring out what mistakes I made, what I'd do differently with someone else (or with him if we got back together in the future.) I'm still sorting it all out.

 

 

 

BTW, he said he decided to move now for a few reasons:

1. He realized that waiting for the "perfect time" financially or for her to also want the D is never gonna' happen.
   
2. That giving her the illusion that he is still in the marriage, while emotionally being done, is just enabling the stuckness.
   
3. That he wants to take action on recreating his life and being happier now, not delaying it further.
   
4. And yes, it's also because of me (not solely.) He said that when I "pulled the trigger," it forced his decision to act sooner. He says he was going to wait until after the first of next year, but then losing me was unbearable. He wants to separate now, before the holidays, so he can be with me proper.
   

I'm cautious right now. He's got to show me through his actions. But I'm not sure what my requirements are. Under what terms will I take him back?

 

What are your thoughts?

I know you all have different boundaries from "when the divorce ink is dry," to various points in the process. I know some of you have had your MP's go as far as moving in with you and then still going back to their spouse.

 

I need some ideas for where you would put boundaries in, so I can decide on my own. Thanks!

Hi wildsoul, do you not accept pms?

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, many situations don't end up like yours because your MM ended his marriage quickly and he certainly didn't dick you around, didn't treat you like crap, didn't call you bitch and didn't make promises that he couldn't keep.

 

I know you are trying to help, to give hope to some, not to give up, but it also all depends on the MM and how serious he is about divorcing. This guy of WS's really sounds like he isn't sure. After almost 6 months of an affair, is he honestly in a position to throw away his marriage, his house, his life for someone else that he only knows in an affair setting?

 

I wouldn't have stood for any of that treatment. And I certainly don't think anyone else should either. I do believe that he would have dragged his feet if I let him, though. You see why I'm a firm believer in people treating you how you let them?

 

I think you missed most of the point of my post. What I've gleaned from her posts is that she is the one who is unsure. That signals to me that it's not the right R for her.

 

And I agree that 6 months isn't enough time. It took mine almost 3 years. He was sure and there was no conflicted feelings and the back and forth you see from some.

 

I'm not here to give hope actually. I'm here to try and help people realize what they want. And not be afraid to take a chance if they think it's worth the risk.

 

But it's WS's choice. It's her life. If she loves him, in that all encompassing way, there's nothing anyone can say that will keep her from him.

[Mino]

To clarify, he didn't threaten to harm me. He did show me side of him during the breakup process that I don't like. He said some very mean and hurtful things about replacing me. And that disasterous night when he came over (I wasn't expecting him, because we had a miscommunication in IM) and he called me a bitch, etc. I haven't forgotten these things. But do keep in mind that he treated me very well for the 6 months I've known him. I *might* cut him some slack for having an emotional melt down, provided it doesn't continue. God knows, I've had a melt down or two in my life before. He has since thoroughly apologized for each and every wrong doing, without prompting from me on what to apologize for.

 

I think you're on to something about the "quick divorce." He's mentioned a few times previoiusly how he thinks his D will take a long time. He's also mentioned friends whose D's are taking +2 years. I would prefer to be hands-off about his D process. So let's say I take him back, but he drags it out, then I will once again be in the position of having to "pull the trigger." Ugh.

 

Is there a middle ground, such as not waiting until the D papers are stamped by the court, but still having some kind of established time limit with him? Is that even possible, considering that he can't control the timing of D negotiations 100%?

Hi Wildsoul, I think the nc , and wait till the ink is dry is overrated... I am in the same position, mine moved into his place a week ago. Not going to mention a whole bunch on LS just yet. But my opinion is that a D could take years, one for sure... I know if the shoe were on the other foot that I would need emotional support. I think as long as you see progress, he has moved out, papers filed, it is ok to continue growing your R... He is doing at that moment everything possible to get out of M...and that does take time. If he has his own place, with a lease in hand...support him.. Waiting a year or two is totally unrealistic,,, By having his own place, he has the space he needs to heal... plus you can now become a full time couple... if people on ls say thats crap, cause he may go back, hey there is no gaurentee in life with anything. Not even with the single guy... So trust in his actions... Thats what they always tell you around here. Watch is actions, not his words.. If he is showing you and actually doing all what he says, (moved out in his own place, filed seperation) You can or should also be there for him... JMO Good luck sweetie:)

[Mino]

Let me get this straight, he harrassed you, threatened you, had relations with another woman while still married, disrespected you, called you a bitch, and you still want to be with him?

 

What a wonderful starting point for a fairy tale with two adulterers and highly likely happily ever after ending.

Why don't you go away? you sound very bitter on all your post... You seem to offer no support or help in any way, We can do without all the negative crap that comes from you:eek:

[greengoddess]

Why don't you go away? you sound very bitter on all your post... You seem to offer no support or help in any way, We can do without all the negative crap that comes from you:eek:

 

 

You don't think she has a point? Granted another post was rough but this one seemed right on. This man will be a jealous abusive jerk. You can tell by how he acted when she dumped him and what you are going to cheer her on?

 

Fortunately I think ws is smart even though she was misguided enough to get involved in this mess so fortunately she probably won't put up with abuse for long.

 

WS how does he treat his wife? Do you ever hear him speak with her?

[Lizzie60]

I agree with 2sunny... be cautious.. take your time.. analyse the situation carefully.. you sound like a smart woman who has a good head on her shoulder.. so.. I say go with your gut feelings..

 

As someone else said.. divorce can take years.. so if it was me.. I would wait for him to move out.. get a place, settle down.. then tell him it has to be in the open with you.. don't move in with him.. let him 'drool' over you for a while...

 

You'll have him at your feet if you are patient and most importantly, independant.. trust me on that one.. it never fails.. unless he's just a 'player'..

[torranceshipman]

I think this guy sounds scary! I honestly feel that the way he acted towards you, when he was calling you a b**ch and scaring you, was unacceptable and I am so surprised you would consider being intimate with him/gving him another chance after this. A guy acted like that with me once and I swear, to this day, I've gone out of my way to avoid him as I'm abit scared of him and I KNOW that if he acted like that once, theres something wrong with him and he'd do that, and probably worse, again.

 

I really think its a BAD idea to let this guy back into your life - he had no right to say those things to you and to scare you - there is NO excuse for it. He wll definitely treat you like that again if you take him back.

[bentnotbroken]

Why don't you go away? you sound very bitter on all your post... You seem to offer no support or help in any way, We can do without all the negative crap that comes from you:eek:

 

 

I think that post was on the money. Why set yourself up with a person who treats you that way? Your idea of support is different than someone else's, it doesn't mean that you have to like it, but all support doesn't come with a cup of warm cocoa, fuzzy slippers and a box of tissues. Some comes with the harshness of reality and a magnifying glass so that all the cracks in the situation are exposed and a swift kick in the pants.

[Mino]

He's not saying it will definitely take a month. He looked at places yesterday and again today. Most rental agreements would be started around the 1st of the month, so soon.

 

It was me that asked "when do you think you will be fully moved out?" In other words, to me, having a signed rental agreement is completely insufficient. I was poking around to find out if he was serious. He said that he'd probably go a little slow on the move out, up to 2 weeks. So it's me that calculated that as a month and am presenting it to you that way.

 

Yes, it has occured to me that he might be trying to act before I get another boyfriend. But is that so wrong? (assuming he's serious) Everyone here talks about "if he really wants to be with you, he's going to act and not let anything get in the way." So if he does love me, of course he wouldn't want to risk losing me to someone else.

 

Is anyone else here noticing a trend of damned if they do, damned if they don't?

 

I think that post was on the money. Why set yourself up with a person who treats you that way? Your idea of support is different than someone else's, it doesn't mean that you have to like it, but all support doesn't come with a cup of warm cocoa, fuzzy slippers and a box of tissues. Some comes with the harshness of reality and a magnifying glass so that all the cracks in the situation are exposed and a swift kick in the pants.

Hi Bent, The reason I say this, is that blessed is saying the same crap to all posters, there is no support,

[GreenEyedLady]

The world and famlies with children can do with all the negative crap, destruction that comes from people like you.

 

By the way, I am not a betrayed spouse, thus no "bitter." Please don't confuse my morals, rationality and decency with "bitterness."

 

Yes, you are so right!

 

All the destruction of the world lies at the feet of the other woman.

 

Wow, you solved the world's problems in all your wisdom and glory and all before dinner!

[OpenBook]

WS, I don't really understand why you still want to be with him, but I know what it's like to be in love... so I'll suspend my disbelief for a minute here. He is asking you for reassurances that you'll be there for him. Based on his past behavior, I do not believe you owe him this. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him "Let's just take this one day at a time" and leave it at that. This guy has already shown you that he can be a real @sshole. Proceed With Caution!!

[Mino]

The world and famlies with children can do with all the negative crap, destruction that comes from people like you.

 

By the way, I am not a betrayed spouse, thus no "bitter." Please don't confuse my morals, rationality and decency with "bitterness."

AHHHH there we have it!! 'people like you' lol, always the tateltale sign of a bitter bs:lmao: What the hell are you doing on the "ow board anyway?:lmao:

[Mino]

Yes, you are so right!

 

All the destruction of the world lies at the feet of the other woman.

 

Wow, you solved the world's problems in all your wisdom and glory and all before dinner!

Gel, are you seeing what I am seeing? lol " that is the famous phrase we hear 'people like you' Its sad when these wives expect marriage to sustained only because they took vows years ago, it takes two to break that bond, but they always look at 'you people' when its way to late...Happiness is not gaurenteed with a wedding, it takes a lot of work...not my fault someone was slacking...

[bentnotbroken]

Gel, are you seeing what I am seeing? lol " that is the famous phrase we hear 'people like you' Its sad when these wives expect marriage to sustained only because they took vows years ago, it takes two to break that bond, but they always look at 'you people' when its way to late...Happiness is not gaurenteed with a wedding, it takes a lot of work...not my fault someone was slacking...

 

 

Mino, I don't expect the ow in my situation to answer for the problems that I contributed to my M with Mr. Messy. But as a Christian I took my vows in the sight of God and I did expect it to last. I didn't get married with the intent to divorce or by saying the phrases, "UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG OR UNTIL YOU PISS ME OFF" But in all honest it only takes one to break the bond. One to disrespect. One to destroy the trust. One to walk outside the marriage vows. One to invite a 3rd party in. It takes two to cause problems, but only one to blow the whole thing up. It takes two to work on things and make them better and one to completely wipe all the work out. You seem to believe(If I am wrong I am sorry) that the wedding has something to do with the marriage. It doesn't. The marriage is a heart bond that two people commit to in the eyes of God.

 

 

You are so right, it isn't your fault some one in the marriage is slacking, but it is your choice to involve yourself before that marriage has been officially and legally buried. That is a choice that only you can make, not the MM or the W, just you. I know some OW believe that their parts in these R don't contribute to the continued breakdown, but it does. You don't start the issues of the couple, but you sure can amp up the intensity and destruction.

[Lizzie60]

I know some OW believe that their parts in these R don't contribute to the continued breakdown, but it does. You don't start the issues of the couple, but you sure can amp up the intensity and destruction.

 

No.. and I would even go further as to say that the OW can contribute to make the M happier..

[bentnotbroken]

I know some OW believe that their parts in these R don't contribute to the continued breakdown, but it does. You don't start the issues of the couple, but you sure can amp up the intensity and destruction.

 

No.. and I would even go further as to say that the OW can contribute to make the M happier..

 

 

Yeah, I have heard you say this before, and only you and the MM would agree to that statement.

[jj33]

What is wrong with you people? Dont you have anything better to do than blast your bitterness on these threads. Someone who ended an affair with someone who wasnt actually divorcing asked for support and all you can do is moralize. This is not a Christian values forum. If you want Christian values, there are other websites for that.

 

And bashing people isnt very Christian by the way.