Mother-Daughter Relationships?

[ashieannie]

Here I am asking any advice about this deep complicated relationship. I know I may have it better than some m-d relationships, but still here I am asking for advice.

 

I'm 24 years old and still live at home while I work a part time job and go to school for my 2nd degree, my first being in broadcasting this one as an endorsement to teach elementary. I'm the oldest with three younger brothers, so I am the only girl. There is a little background for you.

 

My mom and I are constantly at each other, ever since I was in upper elementary school. She telling me to lose weight, telling me these clothes don't look good, telling me when to pick up my room. It is so hard, because I did spend my first time at college, literally away at college. Then I come home and get treated like I'm back in high school again. I'm so defensive when it comes to her. What ever she says I take it to heart, maybe because her vison of me is the one I want to be put on a pedestal. I have jealousy issues with my brother that is 19 and a sophmore away at college. My parents bought his nicer car for him and she just took him to L.A. last year for a trip. Me I have had to pay for my car and take another loan out after I paid for my car just for school expenses on top of my school loan. She does everything for him. He don't even have to work when he is in school.

 

I'm just so sick and tired of her. It really pisses me off that we can't have a better relationship, but I know it won't happen. In May I'm hoping I will find a job and I can leave because I don't know how much longer I can take it, because I'm 24 and I shouldn't be told what to do.

 

What is everyone's advice about dealing with this complicated relationship called the mother-daughter relationship. Not just dealing with mine, but the whole mother-daughter relationship spectrum. I want adivce from mothers and daughters!

 

Thanks in advance!

[SourKisses]

Hey there,

 

I'm in a similar postion. I was raised by my grandparents since I was three days old.

 

My grandmother still treats me like I'm a child, I'm 24 too and I get told to do things. I'm studying a teaching degree at University but I still live at home, I don't have the funds to move on my own and I'm a person who doesn't trust people quickly.

 

My grandmother is always planning out my life for me or coming up with ideas on what I should be doing. If I don't do certain things she will bring up my aunt telling me that my aunt was working and had a child to raise with her husband while I'm still at home.

 

It is really annoying cause I too take her opinions to heart.

 

Here is an example: I get told to clean my room or else I am in trouble. Or I am told if I don't do something she wants I am not allowed on the computer.

 

Thing is I am spoilt also. Because I was a sickly child (I have hemophilia), my grandparents never taught me to cook, incase I burnt myself, they always did things for me like. So I struggle when I cook something simply like scrambled eggs.

 

Right now my grandmother is trying to encourage me to cook but I always end up with a mess.

 

It is fraustrating but I ignore her most of the time.

[Lizzie60]

Here I am asking any advice about this deep complicated relationship. I know I may have it better than some m-d relationships, but still here I am asking for advice.

 

I'm 24 years old and still live at home while I work a part time job and go to school for my 2nd degree, my first being in broadcasting this one as an endorsement to teach elementary. I'm the oldest with three younger brothers, so I am the only girl. There is a little background for you.

 

My mom and I are constantly at each other, ever since I was in upper elementary school. She telling me to lose weight, telling me these clothes don't look good, telling me when to pick up my room. It is so hard, because I did spend my first time at college, literally away at college. Then I come home and get treated like I'm back in high school again. I'm so defensive when it comes to her. What ever she says I take it to heart, maybe because her vison of me is the one I want to be put on a pedestal. I have jealousy issues with my brother that is 19 and a sophmore away at college. My parents bought his nicer car for him and she just took him to L.A. last year for a trip. Me I have had to pay for my car and take another loan out after I paid for my car just for school expenses on top of my school loan. She does everything for him. He don't even have to work when he is in school.

 

I'm just so sick and tired of her. It really pisses me off that we can't have a better relationship, but I know it won't happen. In May I'm hoping I will find a job and I can leave because I don't know how much longer I can take it, because I'm 24 and I shouldn't be told what to do.

 

What is everyone's advice about dealing with this complicated relationship called the mother-daughter relationship. Not just dealing with mine, but the whole mother-daughter relationship spectrum. I want adivce from mothers and daughters!

 

Thanks in advance!

 

This is sad.. your relationship should be one to cherish... to be proud of... My daughter is 32 now.. and I can say that I am priviledged to have such a great daughter.. she's my adoration...

 

My advice to you: be patient.. maybe your mother acts like that because she wants the best for you.. for it comes out wrong.. hard to say... she's probably perfectionist and wants you to look the best, be the best, etc.. she has big expectations for you.. and she might feel that you don't have them for yourself.. I don't really know.. as I don't know you and your mom.

 

Have a nice, serious chat with her.. tell her how much you wish your m-d relationship should be special and loving, tell her you love her.. maybe she thinks you resent her.. again I don't know...

 

I would be devastated if I didn't have the rel. I have with her now.. and since she's a mother herself.. it even brought us together on another, more profound level. We think the same way, we have the same sense of humour.. we just have to look at ourselves and we know what the other is thinking.. I am blessed to have such a great, beautiful daughter.

 

Good luck with your mother.. tell her and show her you love her.. it might change a lot of things..

 

I should add.. don't be jealous of what your brothers have... I give a lot more to my son than I give to her.. but she knows that he needs it way more than she does.. she has not one ounce of jealousy in her body... she knows I adore her.

[vintagecat]

Sorry hon, I had to move out because I couldn't handle the constant picking about things that really didn't matter. I know my mom loves me but to this day all these years later she still has issues with the same things. My weight, my hair, my choice of clothes etc.

 

So I moved out at 17, moved 3000 miles away and made good in ways that matter to me but not my mother unfortunately. I have had many accomplishments that have been noteworthy in my life especially considering my background, but there is no perceptible interest in those things nor really in what kind of person I've become but rather in surface issues. If I've lost weight, hail the conquering heroine but there is sure to be the comment, "Now why you don't do something with your hair?" which is cut in a bob and is just fine as it is.

 

The relationship has eased from what seemed to be relentless criticism in my youth to occasional comments as I've aged (I'm 50) because by now Mom knows I'm completely a lost cause for the midwest/plains states rodeo queen/pageant brand of overworked beauty and because we don't see each other very often.

 

You need to get out of the house for good and try not (in the meantime) to take your mother's comments and hassling too personally. I found that it's just best not to respond at all or minimally. Just shrug and mumble. Let it flow over you like the sound of a loud fan (or lawn mower) or the ocean in high storm. The endless blah, blah, blah can be tuned out rather than becoming a battleground but it is extremely difficult for the immovable object and the irresistible force to live together so this is only a temporary solution at best.

 

Good luck to you. Hopefully your relationship will improve and it probably will with time but there is a high likelihood that if you don't share in your mother's tastes, belief systems etc. that there will be mild to moderate estrangement and that your mother though she might love you and you love her, that she will never really know you in any way beyond the surface.

[lovestruck818]

I was in the same boat, moved out @ 26, bought a bigger place than the one my parents own, showed her I don't need her...and now she kisses my @$$ all the time.

 

My mom kept pressuring me to be a teacher. I would never in a million years be a teacher and I told her I am going to be what I want, I work in advertising & make triple what she makes. I have a great life and she sees that.

 

I love her and moving out has greatly helped our relationship. I don't rub in her face what I have but she knows how hard i worked to get it and I think she finally has given me the respect I deserve.

[quankanne]

beautiful post, Lizzie ... it mirrors the relationship I had with my mom.

 

at some point, AA, you're going to have to step out of disgruntled offspring mode and start being a mature adult. Meaning, you cannot keep reverting back into that old role every time you're with your mother ... you need to firmly but lovingly tell her how you feel, and you must be responsible for moving the relationship into the next (mature) level. It's possible, but only if you do your best from reverting back to the old one, you know?

 

as for what your folks do for their other chldren ... in the end it just doesn't matter. Don't be so concerned about keeping score, because it's only going to get you more upset. Maybe your brother needs her help ... or maybe he's taking advantage of her ... no matter what, it's really not your concern, because it's HER decision to make. Work on bettering YOUR relationship with her, and not focusing on what someone else is getting.

 

I say this after putting up with stupid crap from my older sibs about my relationship with my parents. They haven't done anything for me that they wouldn't do for them, it's just that me being at the end of the line was a better position because they weren't trying to keep six kids fed, clothed, etc. They see spoiled mama's girl, I see someone willing to go do what our parents need with no questions asked because I don't have the same kind of obligations my sibs have to families f their own. It's all a matter of perspective. And frankly, the only way I've been able to keep my sanity is by moving to that next level and learning to be an adult in my relationship with them, even when it's meant swallowing my pride or getting my feelings hurt.

 

you need to decide how you want your relationship with her to play out, and then be prepared to see through those changes. Even if SHE tries to revert back to the old relationship, you've got to remain firm in seeing it to that new, maturer level.