what should I do with him?

[Bliss]

I have been seeing a guy for the last 2 and half years, and we are both in our thirties. During this time, we have never seriously discussed the idea of marriage (I have brought it up, but never gotten a satisfactory reponse out of him). I'm finding it really hard to continue the relationship and be happy when I don't know where we are heading. I tried to have "the talk" with him the other day and he said he had never thought of marriage, but promised to think about it. This obviously means "I don't want to talk about it, and hopefully you will forget about it". Either you want to marry someone or not?? We don't even live together. Also, he also says things like "don't tell me what to do in MY house/with MY things" and so obviously is not in sharing mode. What do you think?

[Tony T]

I think people ought to have a fair idea if they want to marry someone after about six months. At least by that point, you know if you want to continue your exploration or terminate it.

 

If his purpose of dating is just to have someone around, he could date you for years. It sounds like this is the case. While your agenda is to find someone with whom you can share your life, his is not. He has said he doesn't even want to share what is in "MY' house and his "things."

 

This man is no more marriage material than my cat. So if you really want marriage in your future, call your psychic friend because right now you're in the wrong place. If you will pull back and start seeing clearly, you will see this guy as a truly selfish bxsxaxd. Most people get beyond that selfish phase in their mid twenties...but he's stuck there.

 

Now, you may tell me you love him and you want to stick around and see if he'll change. That's like staying away from the dentist hoping your cavities will fill themselves.

 

The minute you realized he was not in the sharing mode, that was your cue to move on.

 

P.S. I have one friend who's happily married to a girl he met two years ago and they have one child and she's pregnant with he second.

[Shirley]

I have been seeing a guy for the last 2 and half years, and we are both in our thirties. During this time, we have never seriously discussed the idea of marriage (I have brought it up, but never gotten a satisfactory reponse out of him). I'm finding it really hard to continue the relationship and be happy when I don't know where we are heading. I tried to have "the talk" with him the other day and he said he had never thought of marriage, but promised to think about it. This obviously means "I don't want to talk about it, and hopefully you will forget about it". Either you want to marry someone or not?? We don't even live together. Also, he also says things like "don't tell me what to do in MY house/with MY things" and so obviously is not in sharing mode. What do you think?

 

Hi!

 

I think you're right. Those two statements pretty much tell you that he wants to control you and the relationship. "I'll think about it" is what you tell your kids when they ask if they can do something or when they ask if they can have something. "Control" is not something you want to have over someone if you truly love them.

[Jen]

Hi Bliss,

 

When you figure out what to do, tell me. I am in the same sort of boat. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years and we even have a 2-year-old boy. We are also in our early thirties. We don't live together and the thought of commitment really freaks this guy out. He can't commit to anything in life, not just relationships. He says he wants to get his life in order and stop hurting me.

 

I think at stop point we have to cut our loses, but it is hard to do that when you love someone.

 

Jen

[Bliss]

Thanks for your advice everyone, and to Jen:

 

I think that I need to talk to other people in the same boat. If it was as simple and clear cut as "dump him" I would have done that by now - I'm no wimp when it comes to doing what I have to do. But when you love someone and have invested so much time in the relationship and are otherwise very compatible and happy, it seems stupid to throw all that away without a lot of thought. I've decided that I won't move in with him (or anyone) unless I'm engaged and I wouldn't have a baby with him unless I'm married (he's suggested that I get pregnant, but I need a bit more before I go into something like that). I will bring up all these issues with him when he gets back from his bus. trip and if he is still not willing to discuss I will be using tactics like dating other guys (after all, you're not married!)and starting to not include him in things in my life, generally acting like I'm single. I might lose him, but as much as I love him, fate will work things out.