dazed.1 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Ok I am in serious need of some feedback about this beacuse I am just feeling absolutely sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I been with my bf for over 2.5 years and I am totally in love with him. We have been long distance, over 1000mi away, for almost 4 months. When he first moved away I started meeting new people because I didn't have many friends while he was here since we spent most our spare time together. I knew I would go crazy just sitting at home and I figured it would only help our relationship for me to develop more as an individual and create other relationships in my life, so I did. So one girl I have become friends with is a couple years younger than me and is really into going out to the clubs and dancing. I never have really been into that stuff but I was getting kind of bored on the weekends so I have gone out with her a couple times. Both other times I've gone with her I wouldn't drink to much and I would leave around 1am. Her bf would always come with us with a couple of there friends. So last night started the same as usual. I met them at this bar, and we got a couple drinks and danced. We always dance in a big group and I never grind or dance with any guy...more dance by myself/with the group, but by no way do I ever give out sexual signals or anything to any guy, nor do I try to dance seductively or anything like that! And I have always expressed that I have a bf and I love him very much. I ended up drinking more last night than I ever had in the past. One of her bf's friends kept putting his hand on the small of my back and it just made me uncomfortable that he was always having his hand on me so I told my friend and she kind of told him to stop (I don't know why I didn't tell him, I sometimes am worried I am being rude, like what I am over reacting). Anyway we ended up seeing my brother and his friends there and he told me that he thought that guy was hitting on me. Of course by this time I was so drunk and I was like "oh no he isn't, *myfriend* talked to him and he's not at all". So the club closed and everyone was way to drunk to drive home (and I couldn't find my brother at this time). We all caught a cab together and went back to the guy's house that was "hitting" on me. We ordered a pizza, I ate like half a pizza (hahaha) and then I must have just passed out (I was really drunk at this point, I don't ever drink at much as I did last night). I woke up to my phone ringing and "that guy" was sitting on the couch with me sort of touching/rubbing my legs. My friend was NO WHERE TO BE SEEN!! SHE LEFT ME THERE WITH THIS GUY!! I got up and answered my phone, it was my brother (at like 3:30am) and I told him to come get me. As I was waiting for him they guy sat on the couch with me and was kind of touching my back. I got up and moved to the next couch. He stayed where he was. My bro got there and I went home. I just want to know if I did something wrong. I mean I feel so sick about it (i'm actually crying right now thinking about it). I mean I feel like I put myself in that situation and so it is my fault, like maybe that guy thought I wanted him or something....I don't know. And I don't know if I should tell my bf, because I feel like I don't want to keep this from him (I never keep anything from him), but I am scared he is going to think I am acting sleezy while he is away. I mean if the situation was reversed and he was at aome girls house and he was hitting on him I would be pissed, I would be like "why were you even there". And that's what I ask myself, why did I even go, why didn't I just catch a cab back to my place? I mean I was so drunk but I don't think that is an excuse. Now I feel like total garbage. Please tell me what you think I should do. I never ever am going out again....I just feel like I have betrayed my bf's trust. ****. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 relax, you're making a mountain outta a molehill. just be more carefull next time, or something really bad could happen. and i don't think b/f needs to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 As Mark said, just relax a little bit and think things through, very thoroughly. I think you should tell your boyfriend and trust me, he would respect you a lot more if you told him the truth and how you felt about what happened. No guy wants to hear about these type of stories later down the road, that sort of thing is how you would lose our trust. The only thing I want to say is, stop trying to give 'alcohol' part of the blame. Yes, you were drunk, but at any time, you could have stood up for yourself and that is why you feel sick to your stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
nasmyster Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 u r a good person. u realised that you would never cheat on your bf. have faith in yourself. Tell your bf about it and expect him to be upset. when he is upset, try to reassure him in every possible way. eventually he will get over it and appriciate your honesty. good luck with your relationship =) Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 You didn't do anything wrong and the guy doesn't sound like someone who took advantage of your drunken state. But he could have and next time somebody will! You didn't betray your BF, you betrayed yourself without being aware of it at the time of creating the situation. Nothing major happened, you're fine and safe, so move on. You don't need to beat yourself up. However, do realize that every time a person gets drunk, they act sleazy. Next time when you grab your fourth (or whatever drink), just tell yourself that you might as well take your clothes off and yell "Guys, come on me." Some will ignore you and some will use the opportunity. Same with being drunk. I used to drink a lot myself, but never around people I didn't know well enough. You don't really know these people and you're creating a "sleazy" image of yourself. Things happen and when you put yourself in an unsafe situation, you help things happen. No need to tell your BF about it, he will only get upset for no reason. Nothing bad happened, you just learned two lessons: one about drinking and one about girls you call "friends." She was not your friend in the first place and now you know she will never be your friend. Why don't you talk to her and ask her why she left you there? But don't sound as if you're accusing her, because she might try to turn things around as if you were doing something with that guy and she didn't want to bother, when in fact, you might have been simply asleep. Trust me, had you slept with that guy, you would remember now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 No I definately KNOW I did NOT sleep with this guy! I am just upset that I put myself in a situation where I may be giving someone the wrong idea. I agree with all your comments, but I am still scared to tell my bf. I don't know what I can say to him to make sure he knows I was not intentionally trying to get in that situation and that I will NEVER be there again! Obviously I am never going out with those people again, and I definately will never drink that much again. I just wish this never happened and that there was nothing to tell me bf. I talked to my mom about it, she doesn't think I should say anything to him, but some of you think I should. I am more scared because of the distance so when/if I tell him it will be over the phone and I won't necessarily be about to assess this reaction. He is the kind of guy that would be mad, but "brush it off" but I think it would always be in the back of his head. What if I tell him and then tell him I will never go out to the clubs or anything like that ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 I think I am really naive and I really didn't think I was in a dangerous/bad situation at the time, I was really just going along with everyone, trying to have fun. I seriously had NO intentions what so ever to do anything with anyone that was the farthest thing from my mind. I love my bf so much and I've never had thoughts about any other person, no matter how much alcohol I 've had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Why don't you talk to her and ask her why she left you there? But don't sound as if you're accusing her, because she might try to turn things around as if you were doing something with that guy and she didn't want to bother, when in fact, you might have been simply asleep. Yeah I asked her and she was just like "oh I thought you were just going to pass out there" and I was like "that is exactly why you shouldn't have left me". I mean I know I am the only one responsible for my own situations but I guess I know if it was reversed I would have never left her (or any girl) there. She said to me "he is a good guy and I know he would only be respectful of you". I don't feel that way, but whatever. I just know I am not going out with those people ever again, I don't want to give off a sleazy image ever again, that's not me, and I'm so mad at myself for letting that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I feel as if you dodged a bullet and should simply take that to heart and learn from it. I don't really feel like you did anything disloyal to your BF - stupid maybe, but not disloyal. As such, I don't think that you are OBLIGATED to tell him, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't, especially if you're going to beat yourself up over it. basically if you think that he's capable of hearing it and will respect your honesty, then you should. If you think that he'll just flip out, it might be better to harbor the risk of him hearing about it elsewhere and just not mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Yeah I asked her and she was just like "oh I thought you were just going to pass out there" and I was like "that is exactly why you shouldn't have left me". I mean I know I am the only one responsible for my own situations but I guess I know if it was reversed I would have never left her (or any girl) there. She said to me "he is a good guy and I know he would only be respectful of you". I don't feel that way, but whatever. I just know I am not going out with those people ever again, I don't want to give off a sleazy image ever again, that's not me, and I'm so mad at myself for letting that happen. Yeah, I agree with you completely. She came with you, she shouldn't have left you there drunk. She has no excuse whatsoever. Just the fact that you slept in a stranger's place totally drunk was embarassing - and SHE let it happen. You didn't know what you were doing, but she apparently recalls the situation. Maybe she is just plain dumb. Ask her how she would feel if YOU left HER in your friend's house to sleep over. If she says she wouldn't have a problem with that, maybe she is innocent. But if she says it wouldn't happen to her, then there's the element "I am better than you" which means: stay away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Yeah, I agree with you completely. She came with you, she shouldn't have left you there drunk. She has no excuse whatsoever. Just the fact that you slept in a stranger's place totally drunk was embarassing - and SHE let it happen. You didn't know what you were doing, but she apparently recalls the situation. Maybe she is just plain dumb. Ask her how she would feel if YOU left HER in your friend's house to sleep over. If she says she wouldn't have a problem with that, maybe she is innocent. But if she says it wouldn't happen to her, then there's the element "I am better than you" which means: stay away from her. No, she probably wouldn't mind if the situation was reversed, but that is why I don't think she is the kind of person I want to be friends with, because as you can tell, I TOTALLY MIND. Thanks for your advice. I just now have to make a decision, I think I'm going to keep it to myself, since most of you feel like I didn't betray him, just acted stupidly, so no need to make him upset, especially because I will never let anything like this happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Next time when you grab your fourth (or whatever drink), just tell yourself that you might as well take your clothes off and yell "Guys, come on me." Some will ignore you and some will use the opportunity. Same with being drunk. "Guys, come on me"? jeez, I must have went to the wrong parties in my day! Yeah, I agree with you completely. She came with you, she shouldn't have left you there drunk. She has no excuse whatsoever. Just the fact that you slept in a stranger's place totally drunk was embarassing - and SHE let it happen. While I agree with the fact that it would have been nice for her friend to keep a more watchful eye on her, let's not avert blame here. you passed out in a stranger's house. bad friend or no bad friend, that's not too wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 "Guys, come on me"? jeez, I must have went to the wrong parties in my day! While I agree with the fact that it would have been nice for her friend to keep a more watchful eye on her, let's not avert blame here. you passed out in a stranger's house. bad friend or no bad friend, that's not too wise. Don't worry, I know it was me. I'm the one who made the mistake, I've just realized some things because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Don't worry, I know it was me. I'm the one who made the mistake, I've just realized some things because of it. gotcha. I wouldn't worry so much about whether I was "sleazy" as much as the fact that I put myself in a potentially dangerous situation if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
verve Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 It is clear from that post you are a good person with good morals. Just tell him what happened, you didn't do anything wrong, apart from overdo it with the alcohol a bit. But you didnt cheat, just got into an awkward situation. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 "Guys, come on me"? jeez, I must have went to the wrong parties in my day! I said it's the same as saying that... If I said "the same as eating poop," it doesn't mean I've tried poop before, that's why I know. While I agree with the fact that it would have been nice for her friend to keep a more watchful eye on her, let's not avert blame here. you passed out in a stranger's house. bad friend or no bad friend, that's not too wise. Blaming anyone is not constructive at all. We already mastered the conclusion that she should be more careful about drinking in the future. Yet, her frind's behavior is totally outrageous. She didn't even try to take her home; she said "You looked like you were going to pass out." She was probably napping on the couch when the girlfriend just decided to leave her there alone and go home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 She was probably napping on the couch when the girlfriend just decided to leave her there alone and go home. That is exactly what happened because I told her I didn't remember her leaving and asked if I was already out when she left and she said yeah. I mean she lives in walking distance from this guy's condo and we got there at 2:30 (I remember bc I checked in the cab as I was in the front seat), we ordered pizza which must have taken at least 30 min to get there, and then we ate so I'm thinking I could have only been out for like 15 min because from my phone I can see my brother called me at like 3:25, and I must not have been so far out since I reacted right away to my phone ringing which was across the room and in my purse. Anyway thank you all for your comments, I appreciate it a lot! I will never again be so careless and put myself in such a potentially dangerous situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazed.1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 It is clear from that post you are a good person with good morals. Thank you, I'd like to think so too. Link to post Share on other sites
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