Overly Sensitive or Justified?

[Ocean-Blue]

I haven't posted in a while. Those who've read my past threads know I can be a drama queen and extreme with my emotions. I am cool as a cucumber one minute and a raging fire the next...

 

This has nothing to do with my relationship (well not directly). That's some progress, right?

 

OK, so I've been with my bf for 1.5 years. One thing I always loved about him was his family. Based on what he'd told me, I knew I'd get along famously with his family, especially his mother.

 

And on the whole, it's been great. I adore his sisters and see them as friends. His mom and I seemed to get along well too.

 

But then...something happened today that has me all flustered and sad.

 

My bf went out with his friends and I hung out with his family. On our way to dinner, his mom started talking to me about our R. Some background is relevant here...my family is very ambivalent (at best) about our R. My mom doesn't think my bf is up to par (mainly b/c of academic accomplishments in comparison to me) and my dad is OK with it but doesn't want to meet him, etc. until I'm done school. Mind you, my mom has not met him and knows nothing about him.

 

His mom has met me many times and has spent time with me (enough to know me pretty well).

 

So today, I was telling one of his sisters and mom how my dad reacted when he found about about our R. I told them that my dad said that he would do anything for me and help me in whatever capacity he could, so long as I finished school. I told them this to calm their fears of my R ending with my bf because of family's disapproval. I told them this so they'd understand that my father will not stand in the way of us getting married (so long as school is OK).

 

As soon as I said this, his mom responded with something that really hurt me. She said that it's not just my parents that feel this, all parents want the best for their kids and want them to finish school. I was like, "WTF?" I totally didn't expect this from her. Her tone was totally weird, it's as if she was telling me, "so? we all love our kids, your dad doesn't love you any more than we love our kids."

 

Some of you may think I am responding rather sensitively...but I don't think I am. I thought she was cool. I thought she loved and accepted me. I never expected her to get snide with me...God, I feel so stupid.

 

I feel naive. Like I was some idiot, who all this time tried to show her that I love her son and care. I've gone out of my way to be good to her...and I feel so wronged here. It's not b/c she insulted me, it's b/c she spoke negatively about my father (albeit indirectly).

 

I mean, why the heck did she have to make that comment? I KNOW every parent loves their kid...that wasn't my point. I was never being boastful. I was telling them this to reassure them that my dad will agree to our marriage once I'm done school...not that I'm daddy's little girl and he'll buy me whatever I want.

 

This happened earlier tonight...and I feel so "bah".

 

In one instant my relationship with her has changed. I feel like an idiot.

[Jilly Bean]

I think what tweaked her out, was the insinuation by your family that her son was not good enough for you.

[Ocean-Blue]

I think what tweaked her out, was the insinuation by your family that her son was not good enough for you.

 

But she knows that this is a temporary thing. My bf was an idiot in his younger days and put school on the back burner. That's my mother's only qualm. He'll be done school soontime.

 

I just never thought she'd say that! Is it wrong that I'm feeling THIS upset by it?

 

It was the tone, Jilly. So, "listen bitch, your family isn't better than anyone else's"...

 

I felt so betrayed. Like I had been fooled. Does that make sense?

[2sunny]

i view it this way -

 

if you're not over reacting to her comment it sure seems as though you took her basic comment personally. too personally.

 

are you a parent? i don't want to make assumptions - but it appears that you're not yet a parent.

 

i agree with what she said and would take it as a blanket statement that has truth and merit to it.

 

don't assume that it was a target of any insinuation. if you wonder what her intentions were that may have been misconstrued - simply ask her for clarification to clear the ill feelings you have.

[Jilly Bean]

But she knows that this is a temporary thing. My bf was an idiot in his younger days and put school on the back burner. That's my mother's only qualm. He'll be done school soontime.

 

I just never thought she'd say that! Is it wrong that I'm feeling THIS upset by it?

 

It was the tone, Jilly. So, "listen bitch, your family isn't better than anyone else's"...

 

I felt so betrayed. Like I had been fooled. Does that make sense?

 

I do, hon. But, I think when you were telling her about what your Dad thought about your relationship and schooling, she took that to mean that your family looks down on him, and therefore, her family.

[Ocean-Blue]

i view it this way -

 

if you're not over reacting to her comment it sure seems as though you took her basic comment personally. too personally.

 

are you a parent? i don't want to make assumptions - but it appears that you're not yet a parent.

 

i agree with what she said and would take it as a blanket statement that has truth and merit to it.

 

don't assume that it was a target of any insinuation. if you wonder what her intentions were that may have been misconstrued - simply ask her for clarification to clear the ill feelings you have.

 

Sunny, how can I NOT take this personally considering the source. It's my bf's mother, my soon-to-be mother-in-law. She understands the sacrifices I've made to be with her son (i.e. going against the wishes of my parents). But she also knows, it took a lot on my father's part to be "OK" with our relationship.

 

And while what she said is true, it was the way it was said. It was meant as a negative remark, not a positive commentary on parent-child relationships.

 

While I wish I could clear it up with her, I can't. The nature of my relationship with her is such that I can't question her or tell her my "feelings"...not right now away.

 

I just feel let down. I never expected her to be snide with me or put me down in any way.

[Ocean-Blue]

I do, hon. But, I think when you were telling her about what your Dad thought about your relationship and schooling, she took that to mean that your family looks down on him, and therefore, her family.

 

So you think she was being defensive? That it was said out of pride?

 

I guess I thought she was "above" such pettiness is my point. My mother is no saint, but she wouldn't say something like that to a prospective in-law. She was an absolute angel with my ex...I guess I naively expected ALL prospective mother-in-laws to behave similarly.

 

I felt so gross after that. I almost cried, but held it together. The disappointment is huge b/c, like I keep saying, I never saw this coming. Not from her.

[Jilly Bean]

Yes, she felt you were slamming her.

 

What I would do, is discuss it with her. I know you said you don't do that, but it's time to start.

 

Call her, and just say, hey, I think I may have said something yesterday that came out wrong and may have upset you. I'd like to explain it a little better...

[2sunny]

i would consider this for your future conversations:

 

this is none of her business

your relationship with your boyfriend should be discussed with him only - not extended family

really none of your family need to know the hows and why's and when's and what about what is private between you and him.

 

why are you allowing private info to be scrutinized by family and then be up for any comment by them or anyone? what they expect of YOU does not need to be shared with your BF either. that is only going to make him feel as though he is being scrutinized as well as his position with you.

 

is it possible that you are too young minded to consider your own expectations and guidelines? if you are a big girl - you should have your own set of standards for yourself - not following what your family finds acceptable or required.

 

do you feel like an independent thinker or do you think you rely on your families approval and guidelines?

[Ocean-Blue]

Yes, she felt you were slamming her.

 

What I would do, is discuss it with her. I know you said you don't do that, but it's time to start.

 

Call her, and just say, hey, I think I may have said something yesterday that came out wrong and may have upset you. I'd like to explain it a little better...

 

Aww, Jilly, hugs to you for being so sweet, but nah dude. Calling her would be weird. Their family doesn't do such "talks"... And as my "elder", I can't really overstep my bounds at this point and get all Dr. Phil on her. I wish I could.

 

I guess she misinterpreted what I said.

 

Still stings. Is it wrong that I want to keep my distance from now on? That I don't want to try to please her. That I will be civil but that's it?

[Ocean-Blue]

i would consider this for your future conversations:

 

this is none of her business

your relationship with your boyfriend should be discussed with him only - not extended family

really none of your family need to know the hows and why's and when's and what about what is private between you and him.

 

why are you allowing private info to be scrutinized by family and then be up for any comment by them or anyone? what they expect of YOU does not need to be shared with your BF either. that is only going to make him feel as though he is being scrutinized as well as his position with you.

 

is it possible that you are too young minded to consider your own expectations and guidelines? if you are a big girl - you should have your own set of standards for yourself - not following what your family finds acceptable or required.

 

do you feel like an independent thinker or do you think you rely on your families approval and guidelines?

 

Sunny, I agree with what you've said. I'm 27 and quite inexperienced as far as relationships go. However, I do want to marry my bf (despite the drama).

 

I've often wondered if perhaps I'm too open with people and say too much.

 

While I do have my own set of standards (precisely the reason why I'm with my bf), I can't ignore my family's take on things. I know they will come around, my father already has to a great degree and my mom will too.

[Prodigal Princess]

Aww, Jilly, hugs to you for being so sweet, but nah dude. Calling her would be weird. Their family doesn't do such "talks"... And as my "elder", I can't really overstep my bounds at this point and get all Dr. Phil on her. I wish I could.

 

I guess she misinterpreted what I said.

 

Still stings. Is it wrong that I want to keep my distance from now on? That I don't want to try to please her. That I will be civil but that's it?

 

Jilly's comments are absolutely spot on.

 

You've recognised that this was simply a misunderstanding and she wasn't personally attacking you. So now you need to just let it go. I don't understand why you feel the need to keep your distance when she was simply reacting to words that hurt her.

 

There is no point in creating drama by giving her the cold shoulder over a silly misunderstanding. However, given how you're still a bit fired up about it, I'd try to stay away (without making it obvious), at least until you cool down and become more level headed about the situation.

[2sunny]

Aww, Jilly, hugs to you for being so sweet, but nah dude. Calling her would be weird. Their family doesn't do such "talks"... And as my "elder", I can't really overstep my bounds at this point and get all Dr. Phil on her. I wish I could.

 

I guess she misinterpreted what I said.

 

Still stings. Is it wrong that I want to keep my distance from now on? That I don't want to try to please her. That I will be civil but that's it?

 

well - ok... :eek:

 

ya - just avoid a conflict instead of clearing up a misunderstanding and everything will be fine.

 

you just proved my question in my prior post by responding with passive aggressive intentions and immaturity.

 

you need to break up with this guy until you mature further and develop better boundaries and effective communication skills for yourself.

[Ocean-Blue]

Jilly's comments are absolutely spot on.

 

You've recognised that this was simply a misunderstanding and she wasn't personally attacking you. So now you need to just let it go. I don't understand why you feel the need to keep your distance when she was simply reacting to words that hurt her.

 

There is no point in creating drama by giving her the cold shoulder over a silly misunderstanding. However, given how you're still a bit fired up about it, I'd try to stay away (without making it obvious), at least until you cool down and become more level headed about the situation.

 

I don't think it was a misunderstanding really. It's a possibility, but highly unlikely given the context and what has happened in the past, etc. I know how someone like her works (she's very much like my mom).

 

What she said was meant negatively.

 

I won't ignore her or be rude. Just keep my distance. I think I went overboard with the whole "we are family" BS.

 

Lesson learned.

[Jilly Bean]

Aww, Jilly, hugs to you for being so sweet, but nah dude. Calling her would be weird. Their family doesn't do such "talks"... And as my "elder", I can't really overstep my bounds at this point and get all Dr. Phil on her. I wish I could.

 

I guess she misinterpreted what I said.

 

Still stings. Is it wrong that I want to keep my distance from now on? That I don't want to try to please her. That I will be civil but that's it?

 

Well, I still think even if she doesn't do these talks, you still can. Just so it's on record. Otherwise, I would NOT keep you distance. That would make things worse, I think.

 

It was a simple misunderstanding, so don't turn this into WW3.

[Ocean-Blue]

well - ok... :eek:

 

ya - just avoid a conflict instead of clearing up a misunderstanding and everything will be fine.

 

you just proved my question in my prior post by responding with passive aggressive intentions and immaturity.

 

you need to break up with this guy until you mature further and develop better boundaries and effective communication skills for yourself.

 

I have come to realize (in the past little while) that I'm the poster child for foot-in-mouth and everything else awkward. I guess my "full disclosure" philosophy isn't a good one. Sure hasn't worked too well for me. I just figured, why not be honest and upfront?

 

So what do you suggest I do? I don't think keeping my distance and being civil is immature.

[Ocean-Blue]

Well, I still think even if she doesn't do these talks, you still can. Just so it's on record. Otherwise, I would NOT keep you distance. That would make things worse, I think.

 

It was a simple misunderstanding, so don't turn this into WW3.

 

I have no intentions of being mean to her or hurting her.

 

I just realized that I expected too much from her...if I rein myself in a bit, things will be better. The best way to go about that is to not be so keen on telling them everything or seeing them or being all "tehe" like I've been.

 

Do you know what I mean?

[Jilly Bean]

No, I know that. I just suggest you don't change your behavior around her. Maybe not share so much, but don't keep your distance. THAT would be noticeable to her...

[2sunny]

I have come to realize (in the past little while) that I'm the poster child for foot-in-mouth and everything else awkward. I guess my "full disclosure" philosophy isn't a good one. Sure hasn't worked too well for me. I just figured, why not be honest and upfront?

 

So what do you suggest I do? I don't think keeping my distance and being civil is immature.

 

full disclosure is not appropriate when it comes to your personal life.

 

i would be pleasant and sweet - but highly aware of not putting myself in a position of putting personal feelings or your own guidelines/boundaries and expectations of your future out there for anyone's review and opinion.

[Ocean-Blue]

No, I know that. I just suggest you don't change your behavior around her. Maybe not share so much, but don't keep your distance. THAT would be noticeable to her...

 

Yeah, the sharing has got to go. My bf would be very hurt if I began to keep my distance...so maybe that's not the way to go. For me, not saying as much = keeping my distance.

 

full disclosure is not appropriate when it comes to your personal life.

 

i would be pleasant and sweet - but highly aware of not putting myself in a position of putting personal feelings or your own guidelines/boundaries and expectations of your future out there for anyone's review and opinion.

 

You're right. It'll be difficult to change course now, but I know it has to be done.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond ladies, you've given me some things to think about.

 

I know I sound like a big baby, but I realize I am at fault here (like sunny said, I put too much info out there).

 

I'm leaving for school in a week anyway so I won't be seeing much of his mom in the next little while.

 

Whatever happened, I do know that I want to have a positive relationship with her. I just need to change the way I've been approaching things.

[Ariadne]

Still stings. Is it wrong that I want to keep my distance from now on? That I don't want to try to please her. That I will be civil but that's it?

 

I'd say just forget about that remark.

 

Nobody is perfect, and if she said something that upset you was because you upset her saying her son was not accepted by your father.

 

I'd say just forget about it like it never happened and continue to respect her and be friends and treat her nicely.

 

Otherwise if you build resentments you are going to hate each other.

[Ocean-Blue]

I'd say just forget about that remark.

 

Nobody is perfect, and if she said something that upset you was because you upset her saying her son was not accepted by your father.

 

I'd say just forget about it like it never happened and continue to respect her and be friends and treat her nicely.

 

Otherwise if you build resentments you are going to hate each other.

 

What if this is just the tip of the iceberg? What if she is catty and mean?

 

And while I wish I were like that, I'm not the turning the other cheek kinda girl.

 

I guess I should try, for his sake.

[Ariadne]

What if this is just the tip of the iceberg? What if she is catty and mean?

 

And while I wish I were like that, I'm not the turning the other cheek kinda girl.

 

I guess I should try, for his sake.

 

You are going to have to deal with her, so is better to have some understanding.

 

Once you understand they cease to be catty and mean or whatever.

 

Some people are more difficult than others (I don't think she is though, you said you liked her) but in this case you have no choice than to deal with her.

 

As the mother in law she deserves respect.

 

And the "cheek kinda girl" coment is all about ego, think about it.

[Ocean-Blue]

You are going to have to deal with her, so is better to have some understanding.

 

Once you understand they cease to be catty and mean or whatever.

 

Some people are more difficult than others (I don't think she is though, you said you liked her) but in this case you have no choice than to deal with her.

 

As the mother in law she deserves respect.

 

And the "cheek kinda girl" coment is all about ego, think about it.

 

This is about my ego. But it's also about her putting my family down. I chose to share something personal with her, an intimate moment shared with my dad. And she turned around and spat on it (more or less) with what she said.

 

I guess the ideal balance is for me to try to be loving and respectful whilst keeping a lid on the chatter (not telling them about the goings on of my personal life). The problem with that (as I've said before) is that I see keeping a distance as not divulging everything.

 

I swear, I wear blinders most of the time when I deal with people.

[vintagecat]

I suggest that if this woman (that has accepted with open arms) had any "tone" in her reply, it might be that you have put the "they want me to finish school" information out there too many times and in a way that is received as condescension toward their parenting skills whether you meant to or not. It doesn't matter how much you accept and love someone, if a person goes over the same subject a number of times that indicates that their family is all about educational or whatever standards, (blah, blah, blah), the implication is that the listener's family might not be, and it would take Mother Theresa to not assume a corrective tone at some point in time. What she said in fact is a widely accepted precept or tenet of good caring parents everywhere and was not out of line in content in any way.

 

Think about it. You could have been insulting her all this time unknowingly with your jabber about your family's expectations and she has borne it beautifully, good woman that she is, and if she assumed a corrective tone with her innocuous reply, it may well be quite merited.

 

Regardless of whether there was tone or not, you've taken this far too personally and propose silly dramatic overreaction as others have pointed out. Further, this woman as her history with you has shown, is a good, decent and caring person that has accepted you in spite of your self acknowledged proclivities toward excess in the emotional arena. What IS out of line is your willingness to burn such a bridge, snub, freeze out or cut off such a person of merit for ONE perceived insult. God in heaven! Yours will be a very lonely life if you can't let a few things go by you unremarked upon and unpunished because people F-up and people get upset rightly or wrongly about things.

 

God only knows how many times I wanted to throttle my dear but sometimes careless husband but one does not make mountains out of molehills if one wants to keep a dear friend or lover. Unlike in the movies or stupid novels, people can be hurt irreparably by constant assault and tomorrow is not always another day.

 

You need to just give it up and let it go. Nothing happened here but if you pick at this barely existent wound, something irreparable may happen that you won't like. Trust me on this.