a different prespective needed

[tanabanana92207]

A little background first. I am currently coming out of a 15 yr. completely dysfunctional marriage. I started a new job around 2 yrs ago and found myself confronted with very real feelings towards a co-worker. I know that women who become involved with married men are considered home-wreckers. But, I have come to the opinion that unless you are in that position, it is not always so cut and dried. I never believed that I would become involved with a married man but, here I am. I went into this relationship believing that there was no future. I was of the mindset that this man made me happier that I've ever been in my life. I have come to the conclusion that while it is possible to love more than one person in your lifetime, we only have one soulmate. One person with whom words aren't necessary. I have found this man. However, I never fooled myself into believing that our relationship would ever be anything more that what it is.....an affair. I figured that I should at least enjoy this little bit of happiness while I could. From the beginning, both of have told each other that we wish we could have met each other 15 yrs ago. But neither of us ever spoke of the future. This man has been married for 14 yrs and has 2 children. I have 1 daughter. Before anything happened between us, we were friends and would discuss our marital problems. Both of us have been unhappy in our marriages for a long time but neither wanted to make a move because of the children. That always sounded like a cliche to me until I was in the same position. It's noy always a lie. Once we became involved, the idea of a future together was this dream that we both had, but just didn't voice the possibility. We have been seeing each for alomst a year. I had been toying with the idea of divorcing my husband for about 4 years but made my decision definite in December of 2007. I can't say that my decision was made because of the other man as I had been contemplating divorce for years. However, I must admit, that it did factor in. Not because I was hoping he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after. But because, I realized what had been missing in my marriage and became tired of settling for a life of indifference. Shortly after I made the decision to get a divorce, the other man started making noises about how he would love it if his wife would leave him and started doing certain things designed to push her into making that move. Coming home later on the weekend, talking to me from his cell phone (knowing that she's the one who pays the bill and would see the calls), sleeping on the couch, and generally not speaking. We spend at least 2 hours a day together after work just going going for walks in the park and talking. Our relationship is not based on sex as we didn't even have sex for the first 8 months of our relationship. Most of the time we spend together is spent holding hands and talking. We even climb trees together, go to the movies, go to the arcade -- not your run-of-the-mill affair activities. He is sure that his wife has been slowly siphoning money from their account over the last 4 years to the tune of about $40,000.00. She has always been in charge of the bills and the bank accounts so she had perfect opportunity. Recently, when he confronted her, she kind of turned things around and insisted that the money went towards bills. However, he found a deposit receipt for $9,000.00 inter her sister's account. When he asked her about it, she refused to answer. This fight led to her saying that she wanted a divorce and she wanted have half of everything and she was going to see a lawyer. This was 3 weeks agao, and as far as either of knows, she has done none of the above. He has stopped giving her his paychecks and opened his own account thinking she would either ask him for money to pay the bills or transfer money from their savings account to cover the bills. But she has done none of these things and yet has still paid the bills. I guess my question is.....what should I do? I love this man as I never thought it was possible to love a man. I am completely comfortable with him in ways I never was with my husband. We have yet to argue are compatible in every way. However, I don't want to waste years of life waiting for something that will never come. I am pretty sure that she suspects about us as she has brought up our cell phone conversations to him and has told him that he has changed in the past year. I realize his motivation in wanting her to be the one to divorce him. He doesn't want to bear the full brunt of the blame. I was in the same position for years. Should I wait a little while longer or should I end it now? She has family coming to visit in 2 weeks from oversease and he seems to think that she is holding off on any plans for a divorce until the relatives come and go. Like I said before, there is nothing that he has done to make me believe that he is knowingly stringing me along. I never asked him to leave his wife nor did I ever suggest that he should. On the contrary, I have told him repeatedly that he should try to talk to her and work things out. He has the one who has initiated the idea of divorce. Again, I don't think he talks about divorce in order to keep me close because I have always told him that our relationship is what it is and I don't expect anything else. The most I have said is that I wish we could turn back time by 15 yrs but NEVER did I intimate anything else or offer any kind of ultimatum. What does everybody think?

[whichwayisup]

Shortly after I made the decision to get a divorce, the other man started making noises about how he would love it if his wife would leave him and started doing certain things designed to push her into making that move.

 

He will never leave his wife by HIS choice. Don't you find it odd that if he truly loves you and wants to start a life with you, he wouldn't tell her "I want a divorce" instead of causing bullcrap fights so SHE will leave him? He doesn't want to be the bad guy, he doesn't want to be the one to end it.

 

He may tell you he will divorce her, but the chances are very slim. There also is no good time - After her relatives leave, there's other holidays coming and time is passing by quickly as it is. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years..Kids birthdays, Halloween.. Do you really believe he'll just up and leave his wife and kids for you? Sounds like fantasy and wishful thinking..

 

We have yet to argue are compatible in every way.

 

That's because what you two share is all based on good times, stolen moments from his wife and family. You don't see him at his worst, you don't deal with money issues, house issues, the stuff life throws at you day in and day out...Kids, pets, inlaws, friends, extended family.. They've built a life together, have a long history and grown together.

 

You haven't been tested at all. You aren't included in HIS life, his friends, family etc.. All that you've experienced with him is in an affair setting.

[tanabanana92207]

I don't know if you have ever been in a similar situation but is it so farfetched or difficult to believe that this man does not want all the blame to be on his shoulders for various reasons. His reluctance to ask for a divorce does not stem from financial worries. He is more than willing to pay child support, alimony and split his pension along with giving her the house. He just does not want to be the complete bad guy. Having been in his position, I understand that. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for years for the sake of my daughter hoping that my husband would be the one to walk. After so many years, I got fed up with waiting and made the decision to leave myself. I know that in the majority of these situations, things don't work out. However, it is usually the o/w that pressures the mm to leave his wife. In this situation, I never mentioned it. He brought up the idea on his own -- he has shown me in many ways that he loves me. I know people will believe that I am in denial. Why would he want to leave his wife when he could have us both? However, I have already told him that the shelf-life of this relationship in it's current form is short. I will not waste years of my life waiting for something that will never be. He has had no reason to deceive me on the subject of divorce or the future as I have never asked for it. I realize that there are men that lie just for lying but in my heart, I don't believe that this man is one of those. Without any prompting from me, he has asked me if I think my daughter will like him, if I would be ready to buy a house right away, where I would like to take our first vacation, and if I would be willing to retire to his home country when the time comes. He has talked about putting my daughter and myself on his health insurance. What would be the point in discussing all these things if he does not believe that they will happen? Why lie when I have not given him any indication that he needs to lie in order to keep me?

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know if you have ever been in a similar situation but is it so farfetched or difficult to believe that this man does not want all the blame to be on his shoulders for various reasons. His reluctance to ask for a divorce does not stem from financial worries. He is more than willing to pay child support, alimony and split his pension along with giving her the house. He just does not want to be the complete bad guy. Having been in his position, I understand that. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for years for the sake of my daughter hoping that my husband would be the one to walk. After so many years, I got fed up with waiting and made the decision to leave myself. I know that in the majority of these situations, things don't work out. However, it is usually the o/w that pressures the mm to leave his wife. In this situation, I never mentioned it. He brought up the idea on his own -- he has shown me in many ways that he loves me. I know people will believe that I am in denial. Why would he want to leave his wife when he could have us both? However, I have already told him that the shelf-life of this relationship in it's current form is short. I will not waste years of my life waiting for something that will never be. He has had no reason to deceive me on the subject of divorce or the future as I have never asked for it. I realize that there are men that lie just for lying but in my heart, I don't believe that this man is one of those. Without any prompting from me, he has asked me if I think my daughter will like him, if I would be ready to buy a house right away, where I would like to take our first vacation, and if I would be willing to retire to his home country when the time comes. He has talked about putting my daughter and myself on his health insurance. What would be the point in discussing all these things if he does not believe that they will happen? Why lie when I have not given him any indication that he needs to lie in order to keep me?

 

 

 

What a p*s*y. He doesn't want to look like the complete bad guy, but he is screwing around and doing things to make his wife react negatively so that she will look bad and his consious is clean, what a piece of work. Who owns his balls, cause he sure doesn't. And there you sit, letting him gaslight the mother of his children. How sad is that. Do you think that it is right he treats her like that and doesn't want to except responsibility for his actions:sick:? That's disgusting. You find that behaviour attractive. If he is capable of doing that to her, what makes you think he won't do it to you when he needs an out. Oh, is it because you believe the soulmate line? I wish I had a dollar for everytime I hear that one.

 

 

You don't want him to deceive you, but you are alright with him doing it to his W. You said you have a daughter, how would you feel about a man(especially someone else's H)doing that to her? Would you be okay with another woman walking into her life and exploiting the problems already there? Would you be okay with a man blatantly lying to here and staying with another woman and making plans without divorcing her first? You would be okay with her being disrespected by her H and the ow? Tell me how would you handle that situation with your hurting child. With her children being hurt by a mess like this, what would you do.

 

You admit you just wanted to have a good time, it never mattered to you that he was married, it only mattered that you had your fun. Now, you say this isn't how you planned things, how did you plan them? Just a roll in the hay and to move on?

[whichwayisup]

That was a very good post reply BNB. Something she needs to hear and to think about.

 

I will not waste years of my life waiting for something that will never be

And why should his wife waste years with a man who is cheating on her and is being a jerk so she can divorce him? Did you ever stop to think that maybe his wife will just say let's do marriage counselling and try to fix this, for the sake of our children? IF he loves you and not his wife, then he needs to tell her NOW, move out, divorce and settle custody issues. Not drag this out, hurt his wife, lie to her that there isn't someone else.

 

The other thing is, why do you think he would never lie or omit certain truths with you? This is the woman he married, said vows to infront of family and friends. Had children with.. What makes what you have with him so special and unique that he wouldn't lie to you as well? He has NO respect for his wife, yet he has it all for you? Based on fantasy, affairy feelings, on the expense of his wife and children. He is NOT a great, loving, wonderful guy. IF he was, he'd come clean, do the D as quickly and painlessly as possible so he can start a new life with you, not drag it out in hopes his wife will tell him to get out and intiate the divorce. How crappy is that, especially to his own children.

[tanabanana92207]

I thought the reason for this forum was to offer support and talk down to people. I was hoping for a reply from people that had been in similar situations. Is it so hard to believe that a couple don't love each other and stay in a marriage for the kids. Is it so hard to believe that person might not want their children to lay all the blame on their shoulders? I don't believe that most men cheat on their wives just because they can or want to. I firmly believe that just as it takes 2 to get married, it takes to 2 to ruin a marriage. I don't believe that all the blame lies with him. I'm sure people are thinking that I am being naive and trying to justify my situation. There is a 50% divorce rate in this country and I'm sure that if people were honest, they would it admit that it takes 2 to make a marriage fail. As for if it were my daughter in a similar situation, I would never wish my situation on anyone especially my daughter. However, I truly believe that true love will eventually prevail. The soulmate line was not one that he used, it is one that I use to describe our feelings. A typical affair does not include movies, walks in the park and outings to the zoo. Perhaps, I'm wrong. I'm sure I'll find out. I was looking for constructive advice not criticism.

[Ronni_W]

He just does not want to be the complete bad guy. ... I stayed in an unhappy marriage for years for the sake of my daughter hoping that my husband would be the one to walk. ... I got fed up with waiting and made the decision to leave myself.

The difference there is that, once you did reach your personal limit, YOU chose to get out instead of torturing your husband into wanting to leave you. That is, you didn't try to manipulate, through hurtful behaviour, your husband into taking action that you yourself wanted to be taken. That the other guy is willing to, and CAPABLE OF, doing that speaks to his character in a clear...and not very flattering way.

 

That he is more concerned about maintaining his "nice guy" self-image than giving consideration to the harm and damage that doing so may inflict on another person also isn't such a great testimonial.

 

Lack of arguing isn't necessarily an indication of a wonderful relationship: My ex and I also never argued and appeared to be "compatible in every way." We actually had a helluva time convincing family and friends that we really were separating/divorcing. At first, they refused to accept it precisely because we "never argued" and never had a bad word to say about the other.

 

Definitely couples who do not love each other stay together. For many different reasons, a big one being the kids. But there is also the comfort of the familiar, the effects on extended circles of family and friends, perhaps the image one wants/needs to maintain for career purposes, and being able to eat one's cake and have it, too.

 

I think it's not that he would not like/prefer a divorce...he probably would. But that he is not going to put any effort into it (other than try to make his spouse miserable), in order to get it.

 

YOU had the courage of your convictions, feelings, needs and desires. You stood up for that. HE isn't showing that same strength of character.

[Tomcat33]

Tanabanana (cute name!) , I have been in your situation. All I can say is a lot of us in "our" shoes got sick and tired of posting here and wanting to offer words to disucuss situations such as these but we get bogged down by having to fight off the bored betrayed spouses who hang around here only to make new posters feel bad. Don't let it get to you if I were you I would ignore the posts you don't like and just wait for someone who has something to offer you in terms of your liking or what you seek, and away you go!

 

 

I understand your feelings very well. I was in your shoes once and let me tell you I know exactly what you are going through. Yes some men do and are afraid to take the stance to be the "bad guy" that was very much my ex he did not want to be the one to completely break his W's heart in telling her that he no longer wanted to be with her. Yes he was in love with someone else but in his head if enough time passed and she eventually initiated the D then at least it would ease his own conscience for not only not loving her any more but also for stabbing her in the back and for falling in love with someone new.

 

The downside of that, is that while he bought all this time to do things his way I lost respect in him along the way.

 

A lot of what you describe in terms of what your rel is like was exactly like my relationship with my ex it was not based on sex though sex was great and a solid part it was not the sole reason for us being together, we too did not consumate our relationship until he moved out and was free to date me out in the opne, and that was prob about 8 momths after we met.

 

All I can offer you in terms of advice is, if you are not pushing for him to leave which you should NOT, you are doing the right thing in not pushing and letting him decide what to do then you should at least have a clear picture for yourself of what you want out of this relatioship. If things are fine as they are why are you questioning your relationship as it is? If you are not fine and want and need more then how long are you willing to accept that he is not the one who is going to decide when to end the marriage?

[tanabanana92207]

thanks Tomcat for being understanding. As for your question, it's not that I'm unhappy in the relationship. It is just that after having spent 15 years in an unhappy marriage, I don't want to waste time waiting for something that will never be. Though I know that it will break my heart to end things with him, I also know that I don't want to spend the next, God only knows, how many years waiting to be with him completely. I have come to the decision that I will wait until his wife's relatives come and go from their visit. Once that time comes, if she or he still hasn't made a move, I will. I truly believe in my heart that he loves me as I love him. I am not now nor do I plan on pushing him into making a choice. As I stated in my previous posts, I was never the one to even suggest it. Even when our relationship first began, we both acknowledged it for what it was. But, about six months into it, he started talking about how he would like to be divorced. It seems like people don't like the idea that he is trying to push her into divorce by making her miserable. Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she has made him miserable too, only in different ways? I know that people will tell me that I can't trust what he says however, before a spark ignited between us, we were friends who spoke openly and honestly about our relationships.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry if my replies were harsh, but you did ask for different perspectives...BNB's post reply was insightful and should be making you stop and think - She wasn't rude, nor was she hurling personal attacks at you - She was trying to get you to see other sides of your situation, not just one from an OW POV.

 

I truly believe in my heart that he loves me as I love him

 

This may be true, but it may not be enough for him to leave her for you, even if he has suggested he will..

 

It seems like people don't like the idea that he is trying to push her into divorce by making her miserable.

 

If he is THAT miserable then he should have the courage to speak up, be honest and tell her he wants a divorce..Not sit around, gaslight her and be passive, in hopes she'll get fed up and tell him to leave.

 

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she has made him miserable too, only in different ways?

 

If that is the case, then again, he should speak his mind and talk to her, instead of going outside of the marriage to make himself feel better. How is him cheating helping his marriage? Making it better? For him maybe cheating is making his home life more bareable, but it IS on the expense of his wife.

[whichwayisup]

we were friends who spoke openly and honestly about our relationships.

Then if he is so honest, why can't he give his wife, the woman he said vows to, the woman who carried his children inside of her, the same respect, honesty, and openness?

[bentnotbroken]

Then if he is so honest, why can't he give his wife, the woman he said vows to, the woman who carried his children inside of her, the same respect, honesty, and openness?

 

Well said, my friend. It is a question of respect isn't it. How do you make babies with someone and then gaslight them into being hurt and angry. What kind of father does that? What kind of mother approves of the pain that is intentionally being caused to someone?

[Tomcat33]

Tana hang around here enough or better yet read up on some of the stories of people around here and get a feel for what you might be in for I say "might" because every single case is different I would never dismiss your experience with your man and compare it to the outcome of my situation it is not fair to do that nor is it productive, in my eyes at least. For the simple fact that your set of cirmustances are unique to you.

 

On the same token there are quite a few OW and wayward men who have ended up with their A partners and came back to share their stories and are now making a go at it read up on those as well,. There is one thread going now by Babybird and she came back to share with us that it worked out for her. So it DOES happen, people do go on to make lives for themselves after all the drama and pain.

 

Your case reminds me of a case of someone I made friends with here in terms of waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak because your man is putting the onis on his W to end things. As I would tell my friend I will reiterate to you, when you are caught in that type of situation the protagonists of your relationship are no longer in control of the outcome of your relationship, a person whom you don't even know (his W) is in charge of your (you and your man's) future. But even worse than that is that she is in control of YOUR (Tanabanana's) future and you have relinquised your time and days to her needs. You need to asses how much power you are willing to give to this woman in order to be with this man.

 

I do agree with what WWIU said that there is no reason why he cannot show his W respect. If he can't bring himself to terminate the marriage with her and would prefer to keep you like this and deprived of what you fully need from a relationship, then I think it is also fair that you look at him for who he is capable of being. I know you won't see that now. I know that. Even as I type those words I know they will go in one "eye and out the other" I know that, but I think it is still valid for you to see that since you did come here for a different prespective.

 

I know you don't want to push him to leave, but do you not feel entitled to know what will be of your life in the immidiate future? Do you not feel entitled to have the freedom to plan your future in an open manner, something you cannot do under these circumstances?

Have you discussed a future with him, I mean you have since he offered to get insurenace for you and your child etc so clearly he makes plans with you but how do you really fit into the grand scheme of things in terms of his own life?

 

In terms of how his W is with him and how he is with her I don't doubt for a second that what he tells you is not true, women do neglect their men and do let themselves go interms of payng their spousal duties to their partners, it happens ALL the time, I don't think he would be lying to you about that. What for?

 

What exactly are looking to see here? Sorry I mean, what do feel you need answers on? What brought you here?

[tanabanana92207]

In response to BNB, the fact that he has gone outside his marriage does not preclude him from being a good father. Neither does the fact that he wants to push his wife into taking the initiative make him a bad father. A bad husband, perhaps. However, it is not one-sided. As I said before, it takes 2 to break a marriage. To WWIU, he is not trying to fix his marriage. I think, as does he, that it has reached the point of no return. I do wish that he would just be honest with his wife and make the decision but I do understand his hesitation. I don't believe that he can remain in his marriage indefinitely but I also can't say with any certainty that he will end it soon. I do know that I am not prepared to wait for a long period of time. I guess the reason why I came to this forum is to get advice as to what amount of time I should wait and if these circumstances ever have happy endings. We all like to believe that we will be the exception to the rule. But I have heard that men almost never leave their wives. I find this hard to believe as the divorce rate in this country is about 50%.

[Ronni_W]

I guess the reason why I came to this forum is to get advice as to what amount of time I should wait

I guess that would really come down to a personal choice, and depend on other factors -- can you have a full and happy life while you are "waiting"? -- how long before YOU think you'll start to become impatient or resentful? -- will your new lifestyle/availability make it easier for him to drag his feet?

 

I've never been in the situation, but my brain is saying that I'd give his wife 3 to 6 months to get fed-up. Of course, in reality I might give her 3 weeks or 6 years...who knows until we actually are faced with having to make the decision?

 

But basically, YOUR happiness lies in how much she can and is willing to endure for her marriage. He has decided to put YOUR future/lasting happiness in her hands. If she is stoic or stubborn...it can be a long wait. If she is manipulative or vindictive...it can be a long wait.

Are there any signs that his wife is even starting to become disenchanted? Is she expressing feeling upset, angry, resentful?

 

Perhaps it is the optimist/romantic in me, but I always leave open the possibility for a "happy ending". Whether that is reasonable and realistic in all cases, probably not. In your specific case...I don't know if he is demonstrating the qualities that would facilitate/hasten YOUR happy ending.

 

I'm sure his wife has played her due part in their relationship breakdown. But I can't think that it was in a similarly deliberate way as he is doing now. He is intentionally doing it with the intent of manipulating a divorce out of her. And, if he can do such a thing to one person, he can do it to another. The circumstances would not always be marital/spousal but he is capable of doing it. That is just information that you may or may not want to keep in mind.

 

In my circle of divorced friends & co-workers, 95% of the women ended the marriage. In the divorce support group I used to belong to, it was slightly lower...around 90%. Obviously not scientific research, but it does support what you've heard about men "almost never" leaving.

 

Maybe you just want to give HIM 3 to 6 months (instead of his wife), and just resign yourself to starting your "single life" after whatever period you are willing to give him?

[tanabanana92207]

Perhaps, his wife's part in the breakdown of their marriage wasn't as deliberate as his action's have been. However, in our conversations before becoming involved, he did tell me and others at work that he had tried numerous times to engage her in some kind of conversation to try and fix their problems. This was over a period of 3-4 yrs. Her response was to deny that there was any problem and to just avoid speaking to him completely. At this point, they have gone about 7 months without speaking. I found this hard to believe. For 2 people to live in the same house and share children without speaking a word to each other for such a long period of time seems utterly absurd. However, this has been her response whenever there is an attempt at communication - to shut down completely. When I say no conversation, I mean none whatsoever. When she needs to convey a message to him, she has their eldest son call him or speak to him. This lack of communication did not begin after our relationship commenced but has happened numerous times over their 14 yr marriage. He has estimated that if he added up the times she has gone without speaking to him, it would amount to about 2 and 1/2 years. I have come to the belief that the 2 of them are playing chicken. They both want out but neither wants to be the one to initiate --- which is why I have set myself an approximate limit on how long I am willing to wait.

[Tomcat33]

Perhaps, his wife's part in the breakdown of their marriage wasn't as deliberate as his action's have been. However, in our conversations before becoming involved, he did tell me and others at work that he had tried numerous times to engage her in some kind of conversation to try and fix their problems. This was over a period of 3-4 yrs. Her response was to deny that there was any problem and to just avoid speaking to him completely. .

 

That was EXACTLY what my ex described about his W at the time. Hence they are divorced now.

[tanabanana92207]

I forgot to mention. The one communication they have had in the past 7 months was a huge argument about 3 weeks ago where she said she wanted a divorce and she was going to see a lawyer and that she wanted 1/2 the house and 1/2 of everything. To which he responded, please go see a lawyer and that she wouldn't have to settle for 1/2 the house, she could have the house. So she has made suggestions that she is not happy. Whether she was bluffing to see his reaction (ex. testing the waters) or serious, we don't know yet. It's possible that as we speak she has already seen a lawyer and is planning, plotting and gathering evidence. We really don't know. There has been a money issue in that she has always been in charge of the bills, etc. He has always given her his paycheck to do what needs to be done. Recently, he came to the conclusion that she has slowly been siphoning money from their account to the tune of about $40,000. He came to the conclusion because the amount of money has has made in the last 3 years does not coincide with their expenses and their savings. He also found a deposit receipt into her sister's account for $9000. He confronted her on this and she blew him off without answering his questions. So, to answer your question, she has made her discontent known. Where she is going with it, we don't know.

[tanabanana92207]

Tomcat, how long did it take for your ex to divorce? I for one would not be able to live in a household with such a lack of communication. At least, when you argue, you are communicating. Also, that type of tension and indifference cannot be good for the children.

[Owl]

Being a horrible husband DOES make him a poor father.

 

What does he teach his kids by his example? When they watch him attempt to bait her into fighting/arguing/etc...what is he teaching them about how to treat their spouse?

 

Think about it.

 

Kids learn from EXAMPLE, not from words.

 

Ignore the words...what do you think his kids SEE in him everyday when he's with his wife?

[tanabanana92207]

Owl, he does not bait his wife into arguments in front of their kids. They do not speak at all. In 7 months, they have spoken once and it was an argument but their kids were not there. The kids have not been witnesses to any overt animosity or resentment. However, and I have told him this, they are not setting a good example of a healthy relationship for their kids by not speaking at all. What does that say to them? I would hope that eventually, regardless of my future with mm, that they make the right decision for their children. Growing up in a household of silence and indifference has to be more dentrimental in the long run that having divorced parents. However, I've been there. I stayed in my marriage 9 years too long in the mistaken belief that my daughter would be better off living in a broken home than coming from one. I also prayed that my husband would leave me but after wishing for 9 years, I gave up and made the move myself. I can only hope that it doesn't take them anywhere near as long to come to the same conclusion I did --- not so much for my sake but for the sake of their children and themselves.

[Owl]

I'll be blunt...I cannot IMAGINE how they could live together, even living seperate lives, without talking more than one time in 7 months. That seriously sounds impossible, no matter how bad things are between them. There has to be more communication than that, even if its just coordinating dealing with the kids. This sounds like he's flat out lying to you about the level of communication between him and her.

 

Let me ask you...what is it you WANT out of this relationship with him? How long are you willing to remain the OW without HIM taking action to end his marriage and move on to you?

 

WHY does he have to force her to try to divorce, instead of simply doing so himself??? (you may have posted this and I missed it).

 

Why not simply MAN UP, file for divorce to end his marriage and give his kids a better home? What do you think is stopping him from taking this next step?

[tanabanana92207]

I too had my doubts about them not speaking for 7 months. But I have been present when she has their son call to relay a message. I've been present when their son has called him to tell him that the younger son is sick and being taken to the doctor. I've been present when mm has spoken to his mother overseas and she has inquired about his wife's medical condition only to have him wonder what medical condition? There is no communication. He sleeps on the couch or she sleeps on an air mattress in the kids' room. Again, there is no reason for him to lie about these things because I never asked him or suggested that he leave his wife. I started this r ok with the idea that I would experience his love for a short period of time. It's only through his words and actions that I have begun to think about the possibility of a future together. As for their sex life, that too is non-existent. I know, they all say that. But, I told him from the beginning that he never had to lie to me because she is his wife and I would expect that as a married couple they would be intimate -- I just didn't want to hear the details. I know everyone believes this and I am not sugarcoating or liying about anything when I say that I feel this situation is somewhat different in that he knew from the beginning I had no expectations and that I was ok with things as they were. He knows how much I love him but that I would never try to pressure or suggest anything other than what we have.

[Owl]

So you'd be comfortable with being his OW for the rest of your lives? If he chooses to never leave her...you're good with that?

[bentnotbroken]

Any man who treats the mother of his children with so little respect and blatant hostility(baiting her into arguments) is a bad father by example and a poor excuse for a human being.