a different prespective needed

[bish]

What's your story, my friend? I don't have the time to read back through your posts. You sound so bitter and angry I'm guessing that someone burned you pretty bad. And I'm sorry for that. But not every situation is like yours. And you have to get passed it.

 

I'm passed it. Only way for me to have gotten past it was to get rid of her.

 

Still doesn't mean I don't despise the despicable actions of cheaters.

 

 

Is it honestly making you feel better to put other people down in the process? This forum is for support - not for bashing.

 

Well then the name of the site is misleading. I what do cheaters know about love?

 

 

You are in a viscious cycle of anger, which is neither constructive nor helping you at all really. Tell me if I'm wrong?

 

You are wrong. You mistake anger with being displeased by people who hurt other people in real life yet dont care.

[2sunny]

tan -

 

with the latest developments i would advise you to stay guarded - at best.

 

whatever the future holds for all of you remains to be seen... even if he leaves her there are so many trying times ahead for him and his wife... all so tumultuous!

 

just because he puts an action out there doesn't mean you need to react.

 

keep yourself in a place of comfort and safety (i'm referring to emotions).

 

step back and wait until the dust settles and you will have a clearer picture of what you want to do... instead of reacting to the daily chaos which can be so devastating.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat, your name should be Cool cat because you are a super intelligent person and I enjoy reading your posts.

 

 

Thank you Cheesecake!

Your name makes me giggle, and a little hungry too.

 

 

What's your story, my friend? I don't have the time to read back through your posts. You sound so

 

His story is that his W cheated on him pretty much since they were engaged or before they married something like that and he found out later. It is unfortunate and all but enough already.

 

Pay no attention to Bish he has been around longer than the earth itself and he spews the same old same old and adds nothing but bitterness to threads. If you ignore he'll eventually go away.

 

LOL, getting a read with an avatar from a popular movie? Oh brother.

 

No getting a read on your words Bish which NEVER EVER change.

Don't you get tired of your schtick? Honestly how do you go on year after year carrying so much nastiness inside?

[Tomcat33]

You are wrong. You mistake anger with being displeased by people who hurt other people in real life yet dont care.

 

 

No it's 100% anger.

[Cheesecake]

Maybe Michael Meyers just needs to get laid. LOL. I'm KIDDING! Please don't throw me off. Part of me thinks that you're just playing around and having fun with the peeps on the forum, Mr. Bish. OOh, I guess that would make you part evil too - getting pleasure from other people's pain. For shame.

 

And thanks for the synopsis Cool Tomcat. Glad you like my name too. LOL. Yay, cheesecake.

 

Tanabanana, it all sounds very promising. And if you've known him for as long as you have, and have trusted him all this time, chances are he is telling you the truth. I like the fact that is he is making the decision on his own - that's really telling of how much he really wants to change his situation and how true his feelings are for you. However, I agree with 2Sunny, in terms of maybe keeping a little emotional distance until the dust settles. But only you can decide how much feels right for you and the situation. Just go with your gut (or as the wise Cool Tomcat says - listen to your inner voice.)

[bentnotbroken]

It is a blessing that his wife will be able to find a real man. She does deserve one. I think everyone deserves a faithful partner.

[blueberry]

You mistake anger with being displeased by people who hurt other people in real life yet dont care.

 

 

And so you think to come on here like some kind of marriage martyr or captain crusader? It is not your place to judge Bish. Comment by all means but some of your statements have been a little harsh. (and puhleeeese dont counter that statement with "tell that to the OW")

 

It *is* anger that is driving you. And that's totally understandable.

 

But really Bish - back up the love bus a little and try not to be so harsh eh? A lot of us have been on both sides - betrayed and the one betraying (or at least enabling it). We're here for a little advice and support - not to get stomped on by some guy with a mask on. Ironic really.

[bish]

No it's 100% anger.

 

You're opinion and you are entitled to it.

[bish]

And so you think to come on here like some kind of marriage martyr or captain crusader? It is not your place to judge Bish. Comment by all means but some of your statements have been a little harsh. (and puhleeeese dont counter that statement with "tell that to the OW")

 

No, tell that to her husband and the MM's wife.

[tanabanana92207]

Bish, not that I have to justify myself to you, but my divorce was final in July '08. I became involved with mm in September '08. I had been legally separated from my H for almost 2 years before we were divorced.

 

Since you seem to consider yourself an arbiter of morality, perhaps you've heard of the phrase --- "Judge not lest ye be judged"

 

Keep that in mind next time you want to tear into someone for what you believe are evil actions. I don't consider myself nor my actions necessarily evil, misguided perhaps.

 

You're opinion does no one any good other than yourself. Perhaps it makes you feel better than anyone else. However, I am sure that the majority of those that come to this forum take nothing from your opinions and advice other than to wonder what could have gone wrong in this man's life that he feels the need to pump up his own ego by denigrating and demeaning others.

 

Obviously, those of us who choose to come here are in search of support and constructive advice. Maybe if you had sought either of the above in your own times of trouble. you might not be so bitter and self-righteous now.

 

To all those who have offered their support, I sincerely thank you.

To all those who feel the need to judge me and my actions, I respect your right to an opinion though I may disagree.

[bish]

Since you seem to consider yourself an arbiter of morality, perhaps you've heard of the phrase --- "Judge not lest ye be judged"

 

Morality has nothing to do with knowing not to screw with other people's lives. Its called common sense and decency.

 

And EVERYONE judges whether they want to admit it or not.

 

And as far as some empty saying on the lines of, "he who is without sin cast the first stone"....well one sin I am without and will never have is cheating on someone and sleeping with someone elses wife.

 

 

Keep that in mind next time you want to tear into someone for what you believe are evil actions.

 

Gee, you are right. Homewrecking is the actions of a saint.

 

 

I don't consider myself nor my actions necessarily evil, misguided perhaps.

 

 

But of course you don't.

 

 

You're opinion does no one any good other than yourself. Perhaps it makes you feel better than anyone else. However, I am sure that the majority of those that come to this forum take nothing from your opinions and advice other than to wonder what could have gone wrong in this man's life that he feels the need to pump up his own ego by denigrating and demeaning others.

 

 

Oh my dear, you seem to think that ego has something to do with despising the pain people like you cause and the sense of entitlement people like you seem to have.

 

 

Obviously, those of us who choose to come here are in search of support and constructive advice.

 

LMFAO....support on how to get what you think you are entitled to? Another woman's husband? Why would anyone in their right mind support the destruction of a family?

 

 

Maybe if you had sought either of the above in your own times of trouble. you might not be so bitter and self-righteous now.

 

So being disgusted at people who are a party to hurting others in real life makes one self-righteous and bitter? Don't think so.

But whatever makes you feel better, sling it sister!

[bentnotbroken]

Bish, not that I have to justify myself to you, but my divorce was final in July '08. I became involved with mm in September '08. I had been legally separated from my H for almost 2 years before we were divorced.

 

Since you seem to consider yourself an arbiter of morality, perhaps you've heard of the phrase --- "Judge not lest ye be judged"

 

Keep that in mind next time you want to tear into someone for what you believe are evil actions. I don't consider myself nor my actions necessarily evil, misguided perhaps.

 

You're opinion does no one any good other than yourself. Perhaps it makes you feel better than anyone else. However, I am sure that the majority of those that come to this forum take nothing from your opinions and advice other than to wonder what could have gone wrong in this man's life that he feels the need to pump up his own ego by denigrating and demeaning others.

 

Obviously, those of us who choose to come here are in search of support and constructive advice. Maybe if you had sought either of the above in your own times of trouble. you might not be so bitter and self-righteous now.

 

To all those who have offered their support, I sincerely thank you.

To all those who feel the need to judge me and my actions, I respect your right to an opinion though I may disagree.

 

 

It is kind of odd that you don't feel your actions are in way wrong, so why feel judged? You really can't have it both ways, you can't cry you are being judged and then say you haven't done anything wrong. How can someone judge your actions when there is nothing to judge?

[Tomcat33]

It is kind of odd that you don't feel your actions are in way wrong, so why feel judged? You really can't have it both ways, you can't cry you are being judged and then say you haven't done anything wrong. How can someone judge your actions when there is nothing to judge?

 

 

That's a weak argument. I could leave my house wearing a miniskirt and feel like I look like a million bucks in it, and there is always going to be someone out there ready to judge me and call me a slut for showing too much leg. AND does that make me evil or a slut? What if I don't see or feel that and more importantly what if I am the furthest thing from being a slut but I just love to show off my legs?

 

Point being, people judge all the time and it is THEIR own reasons for judging they are not necessarily reflective of the actions of the people they are placing this judgement on.

[bentnotbroken]

That's a weak argument. I could leave my house wearing a miniskirt and feel like I look like a million bucks in it, and there is always going to be someone out there ready to judge me and call me a slut for showing too much leg. AND does that make me evil or a slut? What if I don't see or feel that and more importantly what if I am the furthest thing from being a slut but I just love to show off my legs?

 

Point being, people judge all the time and it is THEIR own reasons for judging they are not necessarily reflective of the actions of the people they are placing this judgement on.

 

 

It wasn't an argument, it was my opinion.

[Tomcat33]

It wasn't an argument, it was my opinion.

 

 

That's irrelevant the point is, she feels judged becuase she is BEING judged not because she feels she is in the wrong. Why are you trying to forcefeed her the idea that she must accept she is wrong and doing something evil?

 

I feel great in the miniskirt stop looking at me in discontent if you don't like the way I look...

see what a I'm saying?

 

This is what she is saying:

 

I don't consider myself nor my actions necessarily evil, misguided perhaps.

 

 

Why is it being overlooked?

[Owl]

Actions are misguided if they were taken with wrong information or under a false premise.

 

The issue here isn't that they're misguided...its that they're knowingly and intentionally made with the awareness that they are wrong...with the knowledge that a major consequence of these actions are likely to be the destruction of a family and a marraige...and that his wife is very likely to suffer tremendous emotional devestation and trauma as a direct result of the OP's choices and actions.

 

Its not misguided...its intentional selfishness with some pretty dire consequences to the others involved.

 

Its not an accident.

 

Hence the question I raised in the off topic area.

 

Frankly, everyone judges others based on their actions. What's happening here is no exception.

[bentnotbroken]

That's irrelevant the point is, she feels judged becuase she is BEING judged not because she feels she is in the wrong. Why are you trying to forcefeed her the idea that she must accept she is wrong and doing something evil?

 

I feel great in the miniskirt stop looking at me in discontent if you don't like the way I look...

see what a I'm saying?

 

This is what she is saying:

 

I don't consider myself nor my actions necessarily evil, misguided perhaps.

 

 

Why is it being overlooked?

 

Not trying to force anything, just stating my opinion. If I could force anything, do you think she would be doing another woman's H? So she is an adult with adult decisions. I am an adult with adult opinions.

[Tomcat33]

Actions are misguided if they were taken with wrong information or under a false premise.

 

The issue here isn't that they're misguided...its that they're knowingly and intentionally made with the awareness that they are wrong...with the knowledge that a major consequence of these actions are likely to be the destruction of a family and a marraige...and that his wife is very likely to suffer tremendous emotional devestation and trauma as a direct result of the OP's choices and actions.

 

Its not misguided...its intentional selfishness with some pretty dire consequences to the others involved.

 

Its not an accident.

 

Hence the question I raised in the off topic area.

 

 

 

Well my understanding is that she is not here asking to be JUDGED but rather she is asking for support.

 

Some are guiding some are brutally judging, scolding and insulting offering nothing more, and she keeps asking those people to please stop but it falls on deaf ears.

 

We are all grown adults why not start acting like it?

 

Frankly, everyone judges others based on their actions. What's happening here is no exception.

 

OWL that's weak coming from you, with that attitude we can also say "frankly EVERYONE has affairs so what's happening here is no exception why are some acting like they just saw a ghost?"

 

If you want to argue this point I am not interested. It seems pretty simple to me that there is no need to get caught up in semantics.

[LostGirl811]

I thought the reason for this forum was to offer support and talk down to people. I was hoping for a reply from people that had been in similar situations. Is it so hard to believe that a couple don't love each other and stay in a marriage for the kids. Is it so hard to believe that person might not want their children to lay all the blame on their shoulders? I don't believe that most men cheat on their wives just because they can or want to. I firmly believe that just as it takes 2 to get married, it takes to 2 to ruin a marriage. I don't believe that all the blame lies with him. I'm sure people are thinking that I am being naive and trying to justify my situation. There is a 50% divorce rate in this country and I'm sure that if people were honest, they would it admit that it takes 2 to make a marriage fail. As for if it were my daughter in a similar situation, I would never wish my situation on anyone especially my daughter. However, I truly believe that true love will eventually prevail. The soulmate line was not one that he used, it is one that I use to describe our feelings. A typical affair does not include movies, walks in the park and outings to the zoo. Perhaps, I'm wrong. I'm sure I'll find out. I was looking for constructive advice not criticism.

 

Hi there tanabanana

 

I understand where you are coming from completely.....it is very easy for people to judge without knowing a situation, but you have to understand that they will never know exactly your situation, because they aren't in it.

 

I too have been having an affair with a man that I met when I was 22 years old in my first job out of college. He was 29 at the time, about to turn 30. And married, with one small child. Now I'm 26 years old, he's 34, and has three kids ranging in age from 5 years old, down to 1 month old. Our affair started as fooling around , kissing, etc. We couldnt even have sex because he'd feel too guilty. I didn't speak to him for almost a year after I left that job, because I couldnt bear the pain of seeing him daily. Then one day we started speaking again, and now we're sleeping together pretty consistantly. and now its been almost four years that we've been having this on and off affair. His wife almost found out twice, the last time was a couple years ago , right before we didnt speak for a year. i suspect if she found out again he'd break things off again, but i cant be mad. How can i be? he has a choice to stay with his children or lose it all to try the unknown. Its not easy. I cant sit around 20 yers waiting for his kids to grow up and lose my own chance at a family and life, but everyone i date, no one ever makes me feel the way he does. I'm a very attrative, very intelligent young woman. I'm kind and caring, funny, and going to be a physician. I dont need a man to support me, and Im very independant, but I cant help how I feel about him. I love him. Im in love with him. It took me four years to admit it to myself , and i havent yet admitted it to him, and i dont know if i should even bother.

 

it is hard for people to understand that many affairs are not black and white. It is not always because the men (or women) hate their spouses. It might be easier to leave a marriage, even with kids, if you hated your spouse, but that isnt always the case. My MM is not a bad man, he is rather quite a good person, very attractive, very funny and kind and smart and people always love him. His children are the most important thing in the world to him. He does not hate his wife, or even dislike her. He loves her like you would love any family member, like you would love the mother of your children. They don't have a spark like he has with me, they have a different kind of relationship. They are a relatively young couple, both 33-34 years old, their children are all very young, they have a two year old mortgage that he can barely pay for as his wife decided to be a stay at home mom. A divorce, besides being emtoinally difficult for everyone involved, is impossible financially. There's no way in hell he could support two households , meaning supporting his wife and kids, and living elsewhere on his home. Ive never asked him to leave her, and he's never promised he would. there's no false pretenses here. No "i'll do it when the kids are older". Ive told him i dont expect anything to happen out of this relationship. How can i ? I have fantasies sometimes about what it would be like if me and him woud be together. They are realistic fantasies, I imagine it being hard for a while , I imagine people being mad and me and him, but I imagine that in the long run, things would work out, as they tend to do. Nothing like this is easy in the beginning, but usually everyone eventually accepts it. my parents got divorced and it was hard when they did, but things happen for a reason. I wouldnt have my little brother and sister had my mother not then met my step father and had kids with him.

 

I am at a loss sometimes because I do believe me and him would have been very happy. I know his bad qualities and good qualities and love him for both. He has seen me at my craziest, saddest, happiest, and despite the fact that I've been a nutter sometimes, he still likes me. We don't discuss emotions, because I think that secretly we both know nothing can change right now so why shoudl we torture each other by admitting we love each other? It's like telling someone with cancer you have a cure for them, but then telling them they can't have it unless they pay you ten million dollars. You're telling them good news, and then torturing them because they can't enjoy it or do anything about it.

 

You are in a slightly different situation even than me because you were married and have a child of your own. Im single and young, but in my short life thus far, have never felt about anyone remotely how I feel about him. This situation has encompassed my life. It's all i think about lately, I dont know what to do anymore.

 

There's probably a 1 in 10 million chance that he would ever leave his wife while I am still young enough to make something happen , and I wont push away another man shoudl someone come along that made me feel this way, but i don't see it happening anytime soon. I wish it would. i wish I could meet someone else that makes me feel the way he does....

[waleen]

Post deleted.

[bish]

Well my understanding is that she is not here asking to be JUDGED but rather she is asking for support.

 

Support for what? How to put an end to actions and behaviors that hurt other people? If so, then kudos to her.

 

But I think we both know she isn't interested in that.

 

 

Some are guiding some are brutally judging, scolding and insulting offering nothing more, and she keeps asking those people to please stop but it falls on deaf ears.

 

She screws with this guy's family, and of course the majority of the burden lies with him, yet cries about being "judged"??.....give us a break.

 

People here are sympathizing with the people she hurts and doesn't care about as long as she gets what she wants. Oh, but be gentle with her.

 

We are all grown adults why not start acting like it?

 

And this advice isn't directed towards her why??....directed at someone that isn't acting much like an adult with regards to stabbing someone in the back and causing pain to other people.....IN REAL LIFE.

 

 

OWL that's weak coming from you, with that attitude we can also say "frankly EVERYONE has affairs so what's happening here is no exception why are some acting like they just saw a ghost?"

 

If you want to argue this point I am not interested.

 

Then why did you just try to argue it?

[bish]

I understand where you are coming from completely.....it is very easy for people to judge without knowing a situation, but you have to understand that they will never know exactly your situation, because they aren't in it.

 

And never will be in it. What is there about the situation of woman cheats on husband, man cheats on wife, they cheat with each other, that anyone needs to understand?

 

 

I too have been having an affair with a man that I met when I was 22 years old in my first job out of college. He was 29 at the time, about to turn 30. And married, with one small child. Now I'm 26 years old, he's 34, and has three kids ranging in age from 5 years old, down to 1 month old. Our affair started as fooling around , kissing, etc. We couldnt even have sex because he'd feel too guilty. I didn't speak to him for almost a year after I left that job, because I couldnt bear the pain of seeing him daily. Then one day we started speaking again, and now we're sleeping together pretty consistantly.

 

Ok, so what about this situation of yours do we need to, or have to, understand to make it all ok?

 

come on, tell us something wonderful. Tell us how what he is doing to his wife and kids are just fantastic!!

 

 

and now its been almost four years that we've been having this on and off affair. His wife almost found out twice

 

Its too bad she didn't find out. She might have stayed with the cheating dog, but then again, there would be a chance she could have saved herself, filed for divorce, taken 1/2 of the marital assets to which she is entitled, and moved on to find a decent man....one that wouldn't betray her

 

 

he has a choice to stay with his children or lose it all to try the unknown. Its not easy.

 

Well thats just too bad now isn't it. He should have thought about that before he cheated on his wife and kids.

 

 

I cant sit around 20 yers waiting for his kids to grow up and lose my own chance at a family and life, but everyone i date, no one ever makes me feel the way he does.

 

Want to know why? Because its taboo and exciting for him, thus you have this illusion that he is "the one" because of the way he acts.

 

Like Eddie Murphy said, starve an animal, and then give it a cracker, it will devour it thinking its the best damn cracker it ever ate in its life. But after a while of eating the same cracker, it loses its appeal.

 

Same with this MM of yours and his marriage. He isn't content with the same woman for long. He may think he loves her and doesn't hate her or has any real reason to stray except he is a dog.

 

But you are that "cracker" after being starved for so long(being with the same woman for years)

 

 

I'm a very attrative, very intelligent young woman.

 

Oh but of course.

 

 

I'm kind and caring, funny, and going to be a physician. I dont need a man to support me, and Im very independant, but I cant help how I feel about him. I love him. Im in love with him.

 

Then you 2 would make a perfect match. A woman that sleeps with someone elses husband, and a cheater. Cant get any better than that.

 

 

 

it is hard for people to understand that many affairs are not black and white.

 

What difference does it make? Ok, so there are, according to you and other justifiers here, a "reason" an affair happened.

 

So since you believe that, tell us how that makes it all better. I'd love to hear it.

 

 

My MM is not a bad man

 

Nah, he is just breaking his vows and betraying his family. He is a great man for doing that....and continuing to do it.

 

 

 

His children are the most important thing in the world to him.

 

 

Apparantly not. I'd never have even dreamed of cheating on the mother of my children if I cared about them.

 

Sorry, I am a father and I am offended at the notion that a cheating father, a father that cheats on the mother of his children holds his children's lives and feelings in high regard by sticking to a piece on the side.

 

Thats a slap in the face of fathers that really do consider their children the most precious things in their lives.

 

 

He does not hate his wife, or even dislike her. He loves her like you would love any family member..like you would love the mother of your children.

 

 

Sorry, to that I have to call a big bulls##t.

 

 

They don't have a spark like he has with me

 

 

Of course not. Thats what happens when you are with the same person for a long time. The spark fades. With you it is always new because he doesn't have to go through the trials of marriage and family with you on a day to day basis. He just gets you for the sex and when he can excuse himself from the pressures of family life.

 

Who would you have a bigger spark with....someone you live with daily and take the bad times as well as the good.....or someone you just meet once in a while for sex? Wait, don't answer that...I already know.

 

 

they have a different kind of relationship. They are a relatively young couple, both 33-34 years old, their children are all very young, they have a two year old mortgage that he can barely pay for as his wife decided to be a stay at home mom. A divorce, besides being emtoinally difficult for everyone involved, is impossible financially.

 

 

No its not, she can get a job, he can pay child support, and all is well.

 

Saying divorce is financially impossible to insinuate that a continued affair with another woman should be understandable is asinine to say the least.

 

 

There's no way in hell he could support two households , meaning supporting his wife and kids

 

He would only have to support his kids. She can get a job. Alimony is pretty much a thing of the past. Not always, but pretty much.

 

And if he can't get a divorce for the stupid reason of economics, then he needs to quit being a cheating bastard now doesn't he?

 

 

Ive never asked him to leave her, and he's never promised he would. there's no false pretenses here. No "i'll do it when the kids are older". Ive told him i dont expect anything to happen out of this relationship. How can i ? I have fantasies sometimes about what it would be like if me and him woud be together. They are realistic fantasies, I imagine it being hard for a while , I imagine people being mad and me and him

 

Just move to another town. I think it would be great if he divorced his wife to be with you. She would be free from a cheater and could find someone decent.

 

 

Nothing like this is easy in the beginning, but usually everyone eventually accepts it.

 

 

Everyone? Don't count on it. I have a friend who won't speak to his mother to this very day for screwing around on his father. Some people will forget about it, some won't.

 

 

You are in a slightly different situation even than me because you were married and have a child of your own. Im single and young, but in my short life thus far, have never felt about anyone remotely how I feel about him. This situation has encompassed my life. It's all i think about lately, I dont know what to do anymore.

 

Why don't you tell his wife? That'll get the ball rolling....maybe.

 

 

There's probably a 1 in 10 million chance that he would ever leave his wife while I am still young enough to make something happen , and I wont push away another man shoudl someone come along that made me feel this way, but i don't see it happening anytime soon.

 

 

Thats because you won't allow it to happen.

 

But I hope you 2 do end up together. That way his wife's life can be saved.

[tanabanana92207]

Ah, the voice of the moral majority strikes again.

Bish, don't you get tired of spouting the same old thing over and over again? You seem to think you have a monopoly on what's right and wrong. I don't believe any O/W or O/M on this site believes that their actions are right. No one needs you to come down on them. Do you honestly believe that anything you say will change anyone's mind? The more you criticize and judge people, the more likely they are to continue the same behavior. Obviously, an expert in the human condition such as yourself should know that.

 

 

Lostgirl, I truly sympathize with your plight and what I'm about to say is probably going to sound crazy to some in this forum, but here goes.....

 

Your MM has never once said that he would leave his wife. In point of fact, he continues to enlarge his family by having more children. After the year of NC, it was not him who initiated contact, but you. You can never say never, but from everything you've written in your post, you have to make a decision. Are you willing to spend, God only knows how many years, waiting for something that hasn't been promised to you?

 

My situation is different in that, as of this past weekend, my MM's wife knows about our relationship and they both have gone to see a lawyer. I know this because his S called me after he told her about me. He has spoken to his older son and told him that they are getting divorced. For me, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. However, even with these new developments, I am not jumping for joy. Many things can happen and even though I am partly responsible, the break-up of a marriage is sad. I know, I've been through a broken marriage.

 

Again, Lostgirl, you have to decide if you can endure this R as it is for however long it can last. Believe me when I tell you that eventually his S will find out. You can wait in the hope that when that time comes, he will choose you or you can end it now.

 

The choice is yours. Regardless of what anyone says, you are not a bad person. I know it sounds simplistic, but things happen.

 

I've always believed that if a marriage is strong, it cannot be broken by an outsider. By the same token, just because a marriage is bad does not mean that someone within that marriage will have the courage and strength of will to either repair it or end it.

[bentnotbroken]

Ah, the voice of the moral majority strikes again.

Bish, don't you get tired of spouting the same old thing over and over again? You seem to think you have a monopoly on what's right and wrong. I don't believe any O/W or O/M on this site believes that their actions are right. No one needs you to come down on them. Do you honestly believe that anything you say will change anyone's mind? The more you criticize and judge people, the more likely they are to continue the same behavior. Obviously, an expert in the human condition such as yourself should know that.

 

 

 

That's kind of sad to say. That if I don't like what someone says to me, I will just continue the hurtful behavior to spite them. Nice, sounds like something my 10 year old nephew would say. I don't think that anyone who is okay with what they are doing is going to change a behavior, but to assume that they have no responsibility for their actions because they are allowing their emotions instead of common sense to lead them is a pretty sad situation.

 

 

 

Lostgirl, I truly sympathize with your plight and what I'm about to say is probably going to sound crazy to some in this forum, but here goes.....

 

Your MM has never once said that he would leave his wife. In point of fact, he continues to enlarge his family by having more children. After the year of NC, it was not him who initiated contact, but you. You can never say never, but from everything you've written in your post, you have to make a decision. Are you willing to spend, God only knows how many years, waiting for something that hasn't been promised to you?

 

My situation is different in that, as of this past weekend, my MM's wife knows about our relationship and they both have gone to see a lawyer. I know this because his S called me after he told her about me. He has spoken to his older son and told him that they are getting divorced. For me, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. However, even with these new developments, I am not jumping for joy. Many things can happen and even though I am partly responsible, the break-up of a marriage is sad. I know, I've been through a broken marriage.[qoote/]

 

Yet you didn't hesitate in continuing to help fracture a marriage that was in trouble. You didn't mind hurting the people involved, for the possibility of being with a liar.

 

Again, Lostgirl, you have to decide if you can endure this R as it is for however long it can last. Believe me when I tell you that eventually his S will find out. You can wait in the hope that when that time comes, he will choose you or you can end it now.

 

The choice is yours. Regardless of what anyone says, you are not a bad person. I know it sounds simplistic, but things happen.

 

Of course they do, especially when we help them happen. You aren't a bad person or a good person. No one is inherently either way. It is a series of choices that we make about ourselves and the way we live our lives. It is up to each of us to make a conscious choice not to destroy others along the way.

 

 

I've always believed that if a marriage is strong, it cannot be broken by an outsider. By the same token, just because a marriage is bad does not mean that someone within that marriage will have the courage and strength of will to either repair it or end it.

 

But they do have the courage to become liars, deceivers, cheaters and destroyers. That in itself explains a lot about the decisions they make in other areas of their lives and the the character flaws that help to damage the marriage relationship in the first place. They are 50% to blame for the marital woes and 100% to blame for being a coward.

[tanabanana92207]

BNB, we've gone back and forth on this issue since I first posted on the forum and obviously we are going to have to agree to disagree. I respect your opinion but don't agree with it. I only responded to Bish's post because I don't see the need to keep drumming someone's mistake/sin, whatever you want to call it, into their head. It does no one any good. Bish, from what I've seen in my short time on this forum, is extremely hostile and seems to take pleasure in putting people down. I don't believe that is the intended purpose of this site.

 

I, as well as Lostgirl and countless others, came on this site for support and some advice. Once you've made your opinion known, it is not necessary to keep harping on it. You have made it quite apparent that you consider the situations some of us are in to be morally abhorrent, sinful, etc......That's your opinion and you're entitled to it.