Single Mom by choice?

[MarieD]

but you can't sit there and blame that on the parental situation. My cousin is a screw-up- got involved in drugs @ 15, got arrested, tried to kill himself, stole from all of us...and my aunt & uncle are great parents and wonderful people. People are who they want to be ansd you can't blame anyone's parents for that. Cruise is a jerk b/c of who HE is- not who his parents are.

 

 

I have to agree with you here Love!

My cousin grew up in a great family with 2 parents in a great neighborhood & he too gets arrested for drugs, stole from his own parents & his uncle & has been in & out of jail.

 

This behavior has nothing to do with the parents!! Can't compare, sorry Touche!!!

[Touche]

I am not blaming his parents he was just a bad choice to use to site good parenting.

 

EXACTLY. Actually I agreed with you, lovestuck. I agree Marie that the behavior isn't always the parents fault.

 

It was just funny to include him in that list. As if he's a good example of the product of a kid not being raised by his parents.

[lovestruck818]

I have to agree with you here Love!

My cousin grew up in a great family with 2 parents in a great neighborhood & he too gets arrested for drugs, stole from his own parents & his uncle & has been in & out of jail.

 

This behavior has nothing to do with the parents!! Can't compare, sorry Touche!!!

 

On the flipside Marie, while I do not believe actions are inherited from one's parents, I do believe certain traits are- and that is what I am getting at when I say you don't know what kind of traits these men possess. Personality is determined by the genes you get, ACTIONS are not. But certain inheritied qualities would possess someone to do or not do certain things.

 

Example, violence level. Some people are much more violent people than others. Some will actually act upon it and some don't. But when it comes to undersiable traits like that, how much of it do they scan? How much of it do they tell you? How aware do you become of it?

[marlena]

It wouldn't BE my child. I shot down the whole premise. If the child were raised by ONE parent, it's not going to be the SAME child. Why don't you guys get that?

 

 

No, Touche, it wouldn't be the same child. It might actually turn out to be better because it was raised by one loving, mature, intelligent and responsible adult. You must admit that it IS possible. I know because I am living proof of it. As are so many other brave women. I know for a fact that my daughter would not be the happy and accomplished person that she is today if I had stayed married to her father. He would have destroyed her.

[MarieD]

Love

I see what you are saying.

But even if i find a guy, marry him & have kids, I still don't know for sure what i am getting.

 

My cousin married & had kids with a guy that she later found out was bipolar. My other cousin married a man who got major depression later on in his life.

 

Life has no guarantees. You NEVER know what you could be getting sperm bank or human being.

[lovestruck818]

Also, there is evidence that children of single parents have a harder time in romantic relationships b/c they don't see it everyday @ home...which could lead to either the child never marrying or a marriage ending in divorce. Of course there are exceptions and this doesn't always happen- but the chances are definitely higher.

 

While different that Marie's case, I have a friend who is a child of divorce. She is 26 now and her parents divorced when she was 4, so she never had an idea of what a "healthy relationship" is supposed to look like. She can't hold on to men more than a couple of months, she has no idea how to be in a relationship.

[lovestruck818]

Love

I see what you are saying.

But even if i find a guy, marry him & have kids, I still don't know for sure what i am getting.

 

My cousin married & had kids with a guy that she later found out was bipolar. My other cousin married a man who got major depression later on in his life.

 

Life has no guarantees. You NEVER know what you could be getting sperm bank or human being.

 

yeah but that is her fault for not asking if he had any conditions or not...why would you marry someone you don't know 100% of the things about? developing depression later in life is obv no one's fault, but if the man who had bi-polar disorder had it while he was with her before marrying, that is her own fault for not asking...

[marlena]

Marie,

 

If you are financially independent and fully prepared to accept the immense and never-ending reponsibilities of parenthood, I say go for it. The fact that your parents will be supportive is a definite advantage. Some of the nicest people I know have been raised by loving grandparents.

[Touche]

No, Touche, it wouldn't be the same child. It might actually turn out to be better because it was raised by one loving, mature, intelligent and responsible adult. You must admit that it IS possible. I know because I am living proof of it. As are so many other brave women. I know for a fact that my daughter would not be the happy and accomplished person that she is today if I had stayed married to her father. He would have destroyed her.

 

Of course you're right. I'm not disputing that. I think you missed my point.

 

You didn't SET OUT to be a single mom though, right? It happened because of circumstances beyond your control.

 

This is the issue for me.

 

Remember. I was raised by a single mom too!

[Trialbyfire]

I had to laugh at the bolded part. if you are living with your parents you are going to be told how to raise you child I'll put money on it,

 

I have stayed out of this thread but I have experience being a single mother and living with your parents. It is not a picnic.

While your experience might be one way, not everyone has the same family dynamics. For example myself, I would never live with my parents, keeping a separate residence. Not only that but if they want to be part of the upraising of the child/children, they will have to toe a reasonable line of upbringing, which I will have much say in. Realistically speaking though, I much admire and respect them for their ability to be warm and caring parents, where we share most core values, so dispute will not be a big issue with child-rearing. The main part I would be concerned about is over-spoiling, since my Dad can be such an enabler sometimes with his loved ones.

 

Hopefully my Mother will be more of the pragmatic, balancing influence, as she's always been.

[norajane]

Marie, what difference does it make what people's opinions are on the concept of having a baby through artificial insemination? That's not the kind of decision to make based on what people on the internet have to say about it - that's something you have to decide for yourself.

 

I could see posting if you are looking for input from single mothers, especially those for whom the father of their child is not in the picture, in order to understand the issues you might face. But this back and forth arguing and defending can't possibly be of any meaningful assistance to you.

 

Make your decision based on what is important to YOU and based on what you have to offer a child.

[marlena]

You didn't SET OUT to be a single mom though, right? It happened because of circumstances beyond your control.

 

Touche' (I remembered the accent), the above is not quite true but I can't go into the details right now. Of course, I do agree with you that two loving and devoted parents are the ideal but that doesn't mean that one can't do just as good a job as two.

 

Remember. I was raised by a single mom too!

 

See, then? You are living proof that it can be down successfully!!!! What is important is the outcome and not whether one sets out to be a sinlge mom or not. If my biological clock were ticking and I were running out of time, I would certainly do something about it and settling for marriage with just any bloke would not be an option, of course.

[MarieD]

Marie, what difference does it make what people's opinions are on the concept of having a baby through artificial insemination? That's not the kind of decision to make based on what people on the internet have to say about it - that's something you have to decide for yourself.

 

I could see posting if you are looking for input from single mothers, especially those for whom the father of their child is not in the picture, in order to understand the issues you might face. But this back and forth arguing and defending can't possibly be of any meaningful assistance to you.

 

Make your decision based on what is important to YOU and based on what you have to offer a child.

 

 

Yes Nora, U r absolutely correct. I was just getting other opinions & maybe find some women who have done this OR know people who have do it! What others think really doesn't matter much to me, I just wanted some opinions on it, thats all.

[Lizzie60]

Uhm, no. But then, I don't sleep with men for a living.

 

But really. Look at that list of people mentioned. One is more frucked up then the next one. I would have given those names as an example of what can happen when a child isn't raised by both parents!

 

I guess to some people those celebrities represent normal and well-adjusted people. Go figure!

 

Me neither.. I have a very good paying job... for the gov't..

 

From the list I,ve put up... I don't see any frucked up people.. unless you know them very well personally, how can you say they are frucked up?

[Lizzie60]

Bottom line Marie.. this is YOUR decision.. you know your financial situation, you know your parents... you probably have an amazing relationship with them.. then go for it.. nevermind what people tell you.. go with your feeling.. simple..

 

Good luck...

[hotgurl]

Also, there is evidence that children of single parents have a harder time in romantic relationships b/c they don't see it everyday @ home...which could lead to either the child never marrying or a marriage ending in divorce. Of course there are exceptions and this doesn't always happen- but the chances are definitely higher.

 

While different that Marie's case, I have a friend who is a child of divorce. She is 26 now and her parents divorced when she was 4, so she never had an idea of what a "healthy relationship" is supposed to look like. She can't hold on to men more than a couple of months, she has no idea how to be in a relationship.

 

yes but the same can be said for a child who grew up in a dysfunctional marriage.

[MarieD]

yes but the same can be said for a child who grew up in a dysfunctional marriage.

 

 

GREAT POINT HOTGURL!!

[Touche]

Me neither.. I have a very good paying job... for the gov't..

 

Good for you. And I'm not HIV positive.

 

From the list I,ve put up... I don't see any frucked up people.. unless you know them very well personally, how can you say they are frucked up?

 

They're all frucked up. I don't have to know them well. Look at their crazy actions.

 

Anyway, that's another thread. I don't want to h/j Marie's thread.

 

Good luck with the out of wedlock kids, Marie.

 

Also, just curious but what do women like you tell your kids when they ask about their dads? I'm serious. I'm not trying to be a smart-ass. (You'd know it if I were.)

 

Let me guess:

 

"I wanted you SO badly that I decided to have you without a father. See? You're so special. I'm sorry that you'll never have a clue about the other half of your heritage (or your medical history) but I just REALLY wanted kids because I'm a woman and that's what we're 'built' for. Hope you understand that sweetie."

[MarieD]

They're all frucked up. I don't have to know them well. Look at their crazy actions.

 

Anyway, that's another thread. I don't want to h/j Marie's thread.

 

Good luck with the out of wedlock kids, Marie.

 

Also, just curious but what do women like you tell your kids when they ask about their dads? I'm serious. I'm not trying to be a smart-ass. (You'd know it if I were.)

 

Let me guess:

 

"I wanted you SO badly that I decided to have you without a father. See? You're so special. I'm sorry that you'll never have a clue about the other half of your heritage (or your medical history) but I just REALLY wanted kids because I'm a woman and that's what we're 'built' for. Hope you understand that sweetie."

 

 

Yes 1/2 right I will tell him/her that some families have 2 parents, some have one, some have 2 mommies,etc. Our family is special & unique and that I just couldn't find the right man to have him/her with so i couldn't pass up the chance of having her/him.

 

They will know all about their heritage & could meet their dad at 18 years of age!

[alphamale]

Yes 1/2 right I will tell him/her that some families have 2 parents, some have one, some have 2 mommies,etc. Our family is special & unique and that I just couldn't find the right man to have him/her with so i couldn't pass up the chance of having her/him.

 

They will know all about their heritage & could meet their dad at 18 years of age!

look this is what it comes down to....if you can support a kid(s) by yourself and you have arrangements for soemone else to care for the kid (parents, friends, nanny) when you're not around and you really really really want a kid then just go have one.

 

i know some genetically suitable men who would love to donate their seed...unfortunately i am a bad seed so i'm out of contention.

[lovestruck818]

Marie-

 

Upon discovering that I had a bit of free time at work, I did some research on sperm banks for you and found a plethora of information...

 

For one, the only criteria they "scan" when offering donors are the following: height, weight, hair and eye color, ethnic origin, age, and in some cases education and profession.

It does not say anything about a background check, which is what I alluded to before. How do you know these men are not rapists, murderers, burglarers etc. etc? (Obviously they do scan for physicalities such as diseases, HIV, things like that).

 

Sometimes you get to see a picture, sometimes you don't...but if you pick solely based on a picture, then you're shallow anyway.

 

Also, the practice of children and father meeting when they are 18 is kind of an uncommon practice. As much as I am sure it DOES happen, again, it is uncommon- and the father has to also agree to it. Maybe he doesn't want to meet your child. Furthermore, the men probably donate more than once and have numerous amounts of sperm in each donation that each man could theoretically have thousands of children- so yeah, one could clearly see why he would not want to meet all of them- if any, at all.

 

http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/spermbanks

This is basically for California- not sure if all states have the same rules, but I will look up some more information as time goes on.

 

FYI

[lovestruck818]

Furthermore...in regards to occupation, another article states that a lot of men that work with environmental pollutants donate their sperms to protect their fertility. I would wonder about the toxicity of these pollutants and if they would cause conditions such as asthma in your child.

 

Copied from the article:

[COLOR=#005288]Men[/COLOR] of all ethnicities and backgrounds are accepted as donors. Candidates must meet these basic application requirements:

• Men must be at least 18 years of age and less than 40 years old
  
• They must be able to make a commitment to the program (usually six months to one year)
  
• They should be able to provide their family's medical history (usually back to two to three generations)
  
• They must have no chronic health problems
  

(These are the ONLY criteria they look for- that's not saying much)

[XNemesisX]

Marie,

 

So you are 35 and living with your parents? Do you want to keep it that way or do you plan on living independent of your parents at some point? Are you employed?

 

I was reading this thread last night and someone had a good idea about finding a homosexual man who wants a child or something like that before going with a sperm donor. Going to a sperm bank seems like such a last resort. Or how about even a friend of yours who isn't married and wants a child? At least you will know what you're getting. I just think that would be a much better scenario than going through a sperm bank where you have no idea what you could end up with. Not to mention that the child will not have a father. I'm having to agree with a lot of others here on that matter....I don't care how great of a parent you are you can't fill that void.

[Ariadne]

Marie,

 

If you are financially independent and fully prepared to accept the immense and never-ending reponsibilities of parenthood, I say go for it. The fact that your parents will be supportive is a definite advantage. Some of the nicest people I know have been raised by loving grandparents.

 

That is my camarade! Welcome back!

[Ariadne]

Yes 1/2 right I will tell him/her that some families have 2 parents, some have one, some have 2 mommies,etc. Our family is special & unique and that I just couldn't find the right man to have him/her with so i couldn't pass up the chance of having her/him.

 

They will know all about their heritage & could meet their dad at 18 years of age!

 

Children don't care to have the poster perfect traditional family.

 

The most important thing for kids is that they get lots of love and understanding, and that they have a safe environment where their basic needs are met.

 

That's all.

 

I once heard all this nonsense that children deserved a "mom" and a "dad," therefore gay people could not adopt children, because they'd be scarred for life for not having a mom and a dad (which was very wrong).

 

So they interviewed tons of children raised by either two men or two women and the kids were happy as can be, completely adapted, and saw their situation as the most normal.

 

The kids seemed very cool and confident.

 

And when they showed the way the gay pair took care of those kids, it made me thing that the world would be a better place if parents were as loving and caring as those people were with their kids.