soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I'm at the beginning stages of divorce from a man who decided that I'd become too old for intimacy and expected that I'd remain,loving, giving and supportive in a sexless marriage. It would appear that when it comes to dating all men want younger women, my soon to be ex will move on,dating young women fueled in large part with the alimony I pay him. I'm faced with the prospect of remaining alone for the rest of my life. How does one pass thru mid-life into your senior years knowing that people only value you for money or because you provide free babysitting or care for elderly,infirm relatives? That at best you'll be ignored, at worst laughed at and made a laughing stock only in the end to die alone in some nursing home. I'm at this point just gutted and don't know what to think or how to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I was at church and the pasture pointed out that people that are alone create more mucas:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 I was at church and the pasture pointed out that people that are alone create more mucas:confused: What are you saying, I don't understand? Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 The pasture was preaching to get out and reach out. He used that as an anology to get his point across. Funny cause he said it was a scientific fact:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 The pasture was preaching to get out and reach out. He used that as an anology to get his point across. Funny cause he said it was a scientific fact:laugh: to be really truthful, at this point I'm afraid to "get out" much of anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 You are at the beginning of a long process in which you will redefine what it means to be an independent person. It is clear that your self esteem is shot. Your value on this earth is above all as a person, not a woman, caretaker, lover. You are YOU first and foremost, and you are VALUABLE because you have life on this earth. Now it is time to start figuring out who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 soserious, I have followed you for awhile and wondered where some of your posts stemmed from. Now I know, and I am truly sorry. Hon, he did a number on you for sure and you would be surprised at the number of older single women on this forum, ( I know a few) who don't feel that they are unlovable, or unattractive, as they have taken the time to figure out who they are and get comfortable in their own skin. You will get through this and rebuild your self-esteem and realize that you will be okay whether or not you have a man in your life. By the way, your soon to be ex husband is a total as*hat, and I have every confidence that you will see this as well. ((((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 soserious, I have followed you for awhile and wondered where some of your posts stemmed from. Now I know, and I am truly sorry. Hon, he did a number on you for sure and you would be surprised at the number of older single women on this forum, ( I know a few) who don't feel that they are unlovable, or unattractive, as they have taken the time to figure out who they are and get comfortable in their own skin. You will get through this and rebuild your self-esteem and realize that you will be okay whether or not you have a man in your life. By the way, your soon to be ex husband is a total as*hat, and I have every confidence that you will see this as well. ((((HUGS))) Right now all I can see is pain.Today was a really rough day, had to deal with the brokerage house,had to get that "snapshot" of my retirement assets taken to be given to the judge so the court can value my pension to decide how much he gets. He's walking around laughing openly in my face at this point.Sept 15th can't get here soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 A lot of cats need good homes, just kidding. I am so proud of you and while you can't see it now, you will be happy. A man, or another person for that matter does not define who you are. Find ourself, I am sure you did all kinds of things before getting married or even now. Find some hobbies and enjoy life. Two of my aunts are retired and in their late 50's, they have the busiests of lives. I don't know how old you are, but there is lots to be done. They take Tai Chi, bead making classes, go to plays, go on YMCA sponosered outings, travel the world, etc. Make friends, enjoy your freedom, have a couple of flings. You will see that's it won't be as bad as you think...chin up! P.S. I seriously doubt your H will be out with young things after this...I see him more as a helpless man who will be lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 A lot of cats need good homes, just kidding. I am so proud of you and while you can't see it now, you will be happy. A man, or another person for that matter does not define who you are. Find ourself, I am sure you did all kinds of things before getting married or even now. Find some hobbies and enjoy life. Two of my aunts are retired and in their late 50's, they have the busiests of lives. I don't know how old you are, but there is lots to be done. They take Tai Chi, bead making classes, go to plays, go on YMCA sponosered outings, travel the world, etc. Make friends, enjoy your freedom, have a couple of flings. You will see that's it won't be as bad as you think...chin up! P.S. I seriously doubt your H will be out with young things after this...I see him more as a helpless man who will be lost. LOL,I do feral rescue and spay/neuter/release programs now, I've been a crazy cat lady since I was 15 though Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 There is a woman in m y building who lost her husband in the early 90's. She never remarried. She is very active- always going to plays, lectures, movies. She has lots of friends and has created a happy life for herself. Now granted, she did not take the self esteem hit you did, but the point is that she had to redefine herself as a single person and she has done quite well for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 LOL,I do feral rescue and spay/neuter/release programs now, I've been a crazy cat lady since I was 15 though I would be a crazy cat lady too . I love cats!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 There is a woman in m y building who lost her husband in the early 90's. She never remarried. She is very active- always going to plays, lectures, movies. She has lots of friends and has created a happy life for herself. Now granted, she did not take the self esteem hit you did, but the point is that she had to redefine herself as a single person and she has done quite well for herself. That's nice for her and good. At this point though as I watch my soon to be ex primping to go out(he's already dating) it's pretty clear that for me, the sexual side of my life is basically over. I can't wait,3 more weeks and he'll be out and at least I won't have to keep being pleasant and smiling. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 At this point though as I watch my soon to be ex primping to go out(he's already dating) it's pretty clear that for me, the sexual side of my life is basically over. It doesn't have to be that way. Ask Lizzie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Earlier today we were dividing up our furniture, electronics etc and making lists of who got what for the lawyers to tally up. In the spirit of trying to be civil and reasonable I asked him what he felt he'd need or like to help him make his start in his new place. He smiled a great big huge grin and replied "a gross of good condoms and a case of lube, and you, what can I get for you, an extension of your AARP membership? " he just walked out the door laughing in my face Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Ta Ta Da .. Here I am ..to the rescue.. Soserious.. with this attitude you will be alone for the rest of your life.. You need to take it one day at a time.. who cares if he ends up with a young thing.. she's the one who will have to take care of him.. not you.. Trust me, you are wwaaaay better single than with a jerk. It's hard for the first year or so.. it took me about 18 months.. but once that was over.. oh m y gawd... do I ever enjoy my space.. my freedom.. my everything.. I was talking to my best friend yesterday.. and she wants someone ASAP... she doesn't want to grow old and alone.. I told her that even if she would find someone and remarry or whatever.. what guarantee does she has that he will be there for her.. or what if HE gets sick and she has to take care of him.. would she want that.. I don't think so.. she said she wouldn't want to go through this again (her H died of cancer).. We are best friends.. we have a great family and friends ... so who need jerks and losers.. I am having fun and have no intention to change anything for now.. It's all about ME!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Ta Ta Da .. Here I am ..to the rescue.. Soserious.. with this attitude you will be alone for the rest of your life.. You need to take it one day at a time.. who cares if he ends up with a young thing.. she's the one who will have to take care of him.. not you.. Trust me, you are wwaaaay better single than with a jerk. It's hard for the first year or so.. it took me about 18 months.. but once that was over.. oh m y gawd... do I ever enjoy my space.. my freedom.. my everything.. I was talking to my best friend yesterday.. and she wants someone ASAP... she doesn't want to grow old and alone.. I told her that even if she would find someone and remarry or whatever.. what guarantee does she has that he will be there for her.. or what if HE gets sick and she has to take care of him.. would she want that.. I don't think so.. she said she wouldn't want to go through this again (her H died of cancer).. We are best friends.. we have a great family and friends ... so who need jerks and losers.. I am having fun and have no intention to change anything for now.. It's all about ME!!!! Lizzie, I'm just grieving, I did love my husband and this is like a nightmare of unrelenting pain and humilation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Lizzie, I'm just grieving, I did love my husband and this is like a nightmare of unrelenting pain and humilation. I know.. I know.. it will pass.. trust me.. you will look at this period with relief pretty soon... When I left my first ex.. I was paying support.. we never divorced as we never married.. but we had a verbal agreement.. It was hard, eventhough I didn't love him anymore.. it was hard for my son.. anyhow... it was even harder the second time.. it took me 18 painful months to get over him.. but once I found my inner peace and happiness.. there was no going back.. I've never been happier in my whole life.. I feel I'm blessed.. and I sometimes think something will happen.. it's too much.. You are probably, like me, financially independant, healthy, attractive... what more can you ask.. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 He sounds horrrrrible. Did he treat you this badly all through the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I think you've made the right decision. I don't even know you, but I feel proud of you. He sounds like a complete jerk. When a person is in a relationship with a mean or abusive person, it takes some time to clear all that from the mind and heart. But you will, and you will be much better off for it. Just about anything is better than living with someone who makes you feel like crap all the time. There will come a moment when you will feel so free and happy that you are living on your own terms. I look forward to seeing that moment transpire. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 How does one pass thru mid-life into your senior years knowing that people only value you for money or because you provide free babysitting or care for elderly,infirm relatives? That at best you'll be ignored, at worst laughed at and made a laughing stock only in the end to die alone in some nursing home. I'm at this point just gutted and don't know what to think or how to proceed. I'm back for another try at this soserious..... Where did you get this idea about how the rest of your life will/should be? Your thinking about this is just wrong. You have something going for you that a lot of women in your shoes don't. If you are picking up the tab for him then you obviously have some money. Use your money....go travel, indulge and pamper yourself, mentor younger women, etc. Grieve the loss of your marriage and the illusion of what your husband was and wasn't. The loss of your marriage wasn't all about your failures, and in time I think that you will see this. Why is he still in the house? I would want his a*s out as soon as possible, because the situation is just impossible and meeting other women and suggesting an extension for your AARP membership is just plain cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I have one fact for you to face. Stop feeling pity for yourself, pick yourself up. The only one who can fix the way you feel, is you. You have the power to be happy. Exercise that power. Also, that old man you were married to...ignore him. He's a waste of energy. Do your thing. Blaze trails. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Soserious, I just saw this post. I had been following your story too. What your husband did to you and your self-esteem is absolutely shameful. DO NOT listen to the young guys on here who are actively working to be expert PUAs. Their opinion has nothing to do with real life or with you. I think that, once you are rid of the deadbeat husband, you will find a more enriching life. I know you already keep yourself busy, but I would suggest taking classes at your local college, in areas in which you are interested. Meet people, forge friendships (I know you already have some) and get out there. I know you took your husband's comments to heart, but honestly, I think he was the one with the problem, NOT you. Your posts indicate that you're fit, healthy, and active. Your husband did a number on your head, making you feel worthless, unattractive. Listen to Lizzie! It's not true! I wish you the best... your story really touched me. Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 The a$$hat who is your husband is clearly a controlling manipulative jerk with low self esteem who is making himself feel better by ripping yours to shreds. Be glad that he will be gone! yes you're mourning, but you can't please tell me be mourning a man who is that much of an emotionally retarded idiot, you're mourning who you thought he was... very clearly two different people... at least I hope so... And while I'm younger than you... when my ex left me for another woman I thought I was never going to get sex again... foolish thinking really... but maybe now isn't the time to be thinking about that... listen to Lizzie! Focus on having the kind of life you want for yourself be as selfish as you've ever wanted to be about it. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Leon Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 If he really acted like you describe....then he is a total a-hole. You will be better without someone who treats you like that. I don't know your age..but I know a couple of lovely ladies at my work who are getting on in their years who are now actively dating and really enjoying life again after their earlier seperations. There is always life (and naked fun) for all ages. If you are comfortable in your own skin...other people will be comfortable in it too!!! I would worry about just getting through you current prediciment first. If he is being unfair with the distribution of assets....get a good lawyer. Good luck and try to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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