Crossing Boundaries

[You'reasian]

I'm reading alot of threads about cheating, flirting and jealousy. In order to clarify what these behaviors are, I'm going to try to give some common examples to see where the message board stands on certain topics and what constitutes appropriate or inappropriate actions.

 

Friends of the opposite sex - Everyone has friends from the opposite sex, but what behaviors cross the line (or go into the grey area) of infidelity? Does this include hanging out with one on one? Should one be allowed to spend the night at the friends house? What if the friend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend?

 

Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations? This is tough.

 

Strip Clubs - No need to explain what these are. Should one be allowed to visit such establishments and enjoy them? What would be considered acceptable if the SO approved of attendance (or encouraged!).

 

Black Book - This is basically a physical or electronic list of one's lovers, perhaps with ratings and or descriptions of past lovers whom are readily available. Should one hold onto this during the course of a relationship? Should one even acknowledge ownership of said list or is it none of their business?

 

Personally, I have never desired to own one of these. I want my woman to know that 'she is the one.'

 

Communication/Behavior - Should we change how we behave/communicated publicly and privately if we have significant others in our lives? Should all communication/behavior be held privately from the SO? Does this matter?

[m00nstone]

Friends of the opposite sex - Based on my own personal experience and from a lot of the advice I've read, it seems like the general consensus is that one-on-one hanging out is a no-no. I do have guy friends who my SO knows are childhood friends who have no interest in me besides a sister-like one. If the friend is a former SO, then it's probably not a good idea ever unless your current SO is completely comfortable with it (which is rare).

 

And yes, I would change my conversations with my friends if my SO could hear them. But I wouldn't change the ones I have with my friends of the opposite sex.

 

Strip clubs - to me, they're fine, but I'm pretty sure the opinions on this range pretty widely. Some of my friends like to go with their boyfriends, some let their BFs go with guy friends without any reservations, so I think it depends on your personality.

 

Black book - I haven't yet encountered anyone in my personal life with a black book. But I think if you're going to hold onto a black book during a relationship, you better be keeping it under lock and key, from your SO and from yourself.

 

Communication/behavior - Other than not flirting with other men, I don't change my behavior that much. My friends say I'm happier when I'm in a relationship, which can be a good or bad thing. It's a good thing to be able to be your own person whether you're in or out of a relationship.

 

Just my thoughts on some of these questions!

[dazed.1]

Friends of the opposite sex - Everyone has friends from the opposite sex, but what behaviors cross the line (or go into the grey area) of infidelity? Does this include hanging out with one on one? Should one be allowed to spend the night at the friends house? What if the friend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend?

 

Hanging out one on one, ok for something like meeting for lunch, not okay for watching movies at either parties residence

 

Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations? This is tough.

 

Well my bf is my best friend and he has all my secrets and I have all his, so we don't rely on friends (especially of opp sex) to have deep conversations with. I think that is the way a relationship should be. Anything I talk to my friends about, I've likely discusses in more detail with my bf.

 

Strip Clubs - No need to explain what these are. Should one be allowed to visit such establishments and enjoy them? What would be considered acceptable if the SO approved of attendance (or encouraged!).

I wouldn't be happy at all if my bf attended strip clubs regularily, and I have no problem saying that because there is no way he would be happy if I attended one. It is a mutual understanding between us. That being said, if my bf happened to go to one on a friends stag or something like that, I could look past it, because I know my bf and I know he would only be respectful of me and our relationship. I love him....

 

Black Book - This is basically a physical or electronic list of one's lovers, perhaps with ratings and or descriptions of past lovers whom are readily available. Should one hold onto this during the course of a relationship? Should one even acknowledge ownership of said list or is it none of their business?

 

Also something me and my man have discussed, we both feel that past relationships are in the past. You are not longer involved with that person (or any of those people) and for good reason (at least in our cases) so no need for contact info, and no reason to contact ever again (whether my bf and I work out or not, but I think we will;)).

 

 

Communication/Behavior - Should we change how we behave/communicated publicly and privately if we have significant others in our lives? Should all communication/behavior be held privately from the SO? Does this matter?

 

NO! If you have to hide who you really are from your SO or if you have to hide your relationship dynamic from your friends then there is something really wrong, IMO.

[AAlike]

I don't think that any of these are inherently "crossing boundaries" - it all depends on the comfort level of the SO.

 

I can say that none of them would be a problem in my relationship (although neither of us has or has ever had a "little black book", she has met one of my ex gf's that, although I do not regularly talk to, am civil to if I bump into her, and it hasn't been a problem, and I have met a guy that she very briefly dated in college but has since developed a longtime friendship with and is currently engaged, and that also hasn't been a problem). My GF is definitely a "one of the guys" girl and is quite social, so she does meet a lot of guy friends, but generally she clears it with me and makes sure that I know them before hanging out with them without me - this has also never been a problem because essentially we befriend the same people, really...we don't really have "my friends" and "her friends". I don't particularly care for strip clubs, but the one time that I was at one since we've been dating, she was with me - in fact it was to take her younger brother to one and it was her idea...lol. I find them much more funny than erotic (just seeing a naked woman isn't that huge of a turnon to me) so that wasn't really uncomfortable either.

 

Really, I would think that with full disclosure that none of those things should be a huge deal in a confident relationship. it's only when things are done illicitly that a problem should arise.

[dazed.1]

I find them much more funny than erotic (just seeing a naked woman isn't that huge of a turnon to me)

 

That is exactly what my bf says! I wonder how many other guys feel that way, and how many guys actually go there to be turned on?

[Booker43]

Friends of the opposite sex - Everyone has friends from the opposite sex, but what behaviors cross the line (or go into the grey area) of infidelity? Does this include hanging out with one on one? Should one be allowed to spend the night at the friends house? What if the friend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend?

 

Unfortunately my girlfriend has more guy friends than girl friends, she's very much a girly girl, but not ditzy, so she doesn't relate as well with girls in the residence community. That being said, it all comes down to trust, when the relationship first started It worried me a bit. But I've since realized that I have nothing to be concerened about. Now, if she started hanging out with a particular guy alot (which doesn't happen when i'm around), we'd have a problem. As for the other two questions, Spending the night at a guy friends house and becoming friends again with an ex (she hasn't had any long term relationship's, i'd understand if it was someone she dated for like 3 years) would be out of the question.

 

Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations? This is tough.

 

Female friends? no, and I usually talk alot about my girlfriend. Unless I was asking advice about my relationship, I wouldn't want her to hear that.

 

Strip Clubs - No need to explain what these are. Should one be allowed to visit such establishments and enjoy them? What would be considered acceptable if the SO approved of attendance (or encouraged!).

 

If she was completely ok with it, if she showed the slightest bit of discomfort with the idea then I wouldn't do it. What would be acceptable? going and watching, no lap dances, no letting them grab a 20 sheet out of your mouth with her cooch. No touching.

 

Black Book - This is basically a physical or electronic list of one's lovers, perhaps with ratings and or descriptions of past lovers whom are readily available. Should one hold onto this during the course of a relationship? Should one even acknowledge ownership of said list or is it none of their business?

 

She has a diary does that count? I wouldn't make her get rid of that stuff. I know for certain that she has never been happier with anybody than she is with me. I'm betting there are loads of things about her previous relationships in there, but oh well.

 

Communication/Behavior - Should we change how we behave/communicated publicly and privately if we have significant others in our lives? Should all communication/behavior be held privately from the SO? Does this matter?

 

I think change is inevitable, before I met my girlfriend I went out to the clubs to pick up women, now thats different, before I met her I complained to friends about my girl problems, not anymore. Alot of stuff has changed, I'm still not at the point where I can completely share my deepest darkest secrets with my girlfriend, there are still some things I can tell friends but not tell her, but it's the same with her. Our relationship is still young and growing, someday we'll be at that point, but right now we're completely happy where we are.

[You'reasian]

Friends of the opposite sex - Everyone has friends from the opposite sex, but what behaviors cross the line (or go into the grey area) of infidelity? Does this include hanging out with one on one? Should one be allowed to spend the night at the friends house? What if the friend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend?

 

I think everyone should have friends of the opposite sex. In general, I try to keep things lightly humorous but cut and dry - at best. Personally, I would not hang out with a friend without stating why I'm hanging out with them and keeping it at that. You would never find me spending the night at a female's house, unless I am romantically involved with her or unless there is some kind of life-threatening emergency.

 

Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations? This is tough.

 

No, unless it was to ask for advice.

 

Strip Clubs - No need to explain what these are. Should one be allowed to visit such establishments and enjoy them? What would be considered acceptable if the SO approved of attendance (or encouraged!).

 

 

As a single man - sure, lets go have some fun. As a man involved in a loving relationship, I would only go if a really good friend had some kind of special occasion and I would keep it at minimal-contact.

 

 

Black Book - This is basically a physical or electronic list of one's lovers, perhaps with ratings and or descriptions of past lovers whom are readily available. Should one hold onto this during the course of a relationship? Should one even acknowledge ownership of said list or is it none of their business?

 

Never had the need for one as I only have a few female friends. Even the ex-es that have become one of the few female friends know that they are friends.

 

Communication/Behavior - Should we change how we behave/communicated publicly and privately if we have significant others in our lives? Should all communication/behavior be held privately from the SO? Does this matter?

 

Well, if one's trying to have an affair the logical behavior is to keep tight lips and lock & key on outside communication but outside of that I think we as people do censure ourselves from our SO's and other interested parties - even the best of us.

 

For example, a friend of mine was having this conversation with a close lady friend & confidant about a some generous physical traits of his gf at the time - to the point where she was sending him funny pictures about said trait....I don't think the woman involved was aware of this, not that she wouldn't mind? but photos were revealed to me as well.

 

I told my friend that while I think the pictures were funny that the act itself was a little tastless and made me think he was less trustworthy.

 

Well that's my 0.02.

[Spectre]

Friends of the opposite sex - Everyone has friends from the opposite sex' date=' but what behaviors cross the line (or go into the grey area) of infidelity? Does this include hanging out with one on one? Should one be allowed to spend the night at the friends house? What if the friend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend?[/quote']

 

Yeah, I don't think they should be hanging out one on one, and definitely no spending the night. Also even if it isn't one on one, if your s/o isn't there I don't think you should be getting wasted around the opposite sex.

 

Now, if the friend happens to be an ex, well for me personally I wouldn't want her seeing him at all.

 

Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations? This is tough.

 

No? I have no need to. I don't talk to my friends about anything that would upset her.

 

Strip Clubs - No need to explain what these are. Should one be allowed to visit such establishments and enjoy them? What would be considered acceptable if the SO approved of attendance (or encouraged!).

 

To be honest I'm not too into strip clubs..if I was I would completely understand if my gf didn't want me to goto one, I certainly don't like the idea of her watching a bunch of guys strip..

 

Black Book - This is basically a physical or electronic list of one's lovers, perhaps with ratings and or descriptions of past lovers whom are readily available. Should one hold onto this during the course of a relationship? Should one even acknowledge ownership of said list or is it none of their business?

 

I can't answer this cuz I would never be with the type of girl who does this.

 

Personally, I have never desired to own one of these. I want my woman to know that 'she is the one.'

 

Exactly, it's pretty disrespectful.

 

Communication/Behavior - Should we change how we behave/communicated publicly and privately if we have significant others in our lives? Should all communication/behavior be held privately from the SO? Does this matter?

 

I don't think you should change how you act.

[disgracian]

1. Friends of the opposite sex - I tend to relate better to the opposite sex, and so most of my friends are female. Hanging out one-on-one in and of itself is okay I think, but it would arouse suspicion if it was the same person all the time. I would not even think about spending the night at a female friend's house though, that's just stupid.

 

2. Would you change anything you say to your friends, if you knew your SO could hear your conversations?

 

I simply make sure that I speak as though my SO was there. The same goes for anything else. Don't say or do anything I wouldn't want them to know about. It's a good general rule for staying out of trouble.

 

3 & 4. I have no interest in strip clubs, and I have never kept a black book.

 

Cheers,

D.

[Palladin]

Interesting subject. Sorry for a long post, but I like to express myself fully;).

 

Well, I'd like to make more general comment on it.

People in a relationship tend to expect from his/her partner to have absolutely no secrets from him/her, stay far away from any possible threats etc. As long as we expect that from a partner we rarely are able to be up to all it ourselves. Most of us have some small secrets in a relationship, and have done some things like flirting with some other person, fantasizing and so on.

 

I think there is absolutely no point in telling your partner what he/she should or shouldn't do when you are away from each other, because the more rules you set, the more uncomfortable your partner will probably feel. Not because of a need of cheating, but because sometimes it makes people act in unnatural way.

 

I.e. (not real situation) let’s say we have a rule of not being at home alone with a friend of opposite sex. While my gf is away I bump on a friend on a street, and she asks me if I can come over to her place for a moment to help her with something. What should I do? Say I won't help her? Phone my gf to ask for permission? Or maybe go there, and feel guilty because I broke a rule?

 

Other situation, this time real. A few years ago I've been for some time with a girl who stated, that she wanted to have absolutely no secrets from me. She also stated that as long as we were with each other we shouldn't even hug with someone else. We lived in different cities so we met mostly on weekends and we didn't have total control over each other. Still I was in love and tried to obey the rules, though it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. After being with her for a half year I started to suspect that something is wrong. I caught her lying to me on a couple occasions, although she stated that she loved me and still stated that she wanted to have no secrets from me! I started to be seriously worried and while being at her place I downloaded archives of her messenger (I don't generally approve of such actions, but I was on the very edge and I had to know if I'm going crazy or is she doing something really wrong). Guess what? She was cheating all the time, from the very beginning! Actually I should say she was cheating the other guy, because she was with him longer than with me. Talk about being a hypocrite;).

 

Of course I dumped her big time and told her second bf (I got his phone number from her messenger), and all her friends about everything. It hurt at first, but I got over it. Now I only laugh at my own stupidity (not seeing the signs for so long), but I also learned something: no rules can make relationship safe. It's in our heads how far we can go, and rules only make it worse. If you love and care for your partner than you know how far you can go. Trying to live up to too high expectations effect only in feeling guilty after failing a bit. And people who feel guilty sometimes do stupid things to make it go away just for a moment.

 

So in my relationship we have no set rules. We don't control each other too much, we can meet with friends of opposite sex, but we always tell about it each other (even though once it almost ended badly - I've written about it a month ago). I could have gone to a strip club (a couple of friends went there once and wanted me to go with them), but I decided not to - simply because I didn't feel like, not because my gf forbidden me to.

Actually we cannot forbid ourselves anything, we may only say what we think about it.

Yes, it happens sometimes that I speak a bit differently with a friend when my gf is not around, but it's rather rare. I simply need sometimes a bit of free space (just as my gf), it's not that I keep something of importance from her.

 

I guess we both understand that we shouldn't control each other too much - we simply trust in our common sense:). We love each other very much, and this is by far the best relationship I've ever been in!