Retroactive Jealousy - The day I lost the war...

[xtopher65]

I was diagnosed with OCD the same day I went to a psychiatrist. I had these obsessive thoughts one other time in my life with one of my past ex-girlfriends. I told the psychiatrist everything about my past and she realized that I had a problem. I was very open on detailed on what was going through my head and how it was affecting me. My OCD is only in my thoughts. I would suggest another therapist because this can be a serious problem for you as well. There are only two things you can do. Work on yourself in therapy and take medications, or leave your GF. Leaving your GF might not solve your problem. In my case it did not. Is your GF sleeping with other men while in the relationship with you? Are you losing sleep because of this? If this is affecting your life outside of the relationship then you probably need medication.

 

I tried everything I could to self-medicate, but nothing worked. Like yourself fantasizing about men, I fantasize about lesbians. My ex's promiscuous lesbian sex really bothers me and for no reason. We are not together and I have no feelings for her, but the thoughts keep running. You and I both have very similar situations just the opposite sex. My ex's first partner was when she was 15 and it was all about sex. Her second partner was when she was 21. That lasted for 5 years, but I am almost certain she did not stay faithful. I think that she might of been unfaithful with me looking back at it. She had a way of making you think that you are the best in the world, but underneath everything she still had a great need that I could never fulfill. She was manipulative and seemed so innocent. It was all a cover up.

[athurmon]

It mattered not to me the number...but the frequency and the reasons for her actions ate at me and ate at me. She could never really justify her total indifference to sex inside our relationship. It just didn't match up to her past. Therefore, I always blamed myself...and still do...for the utter lack of sexual chemistry.

 

I know this was not the original intent of this post, but had to comment on Crow's post. I understand exactly where you are coming from and you may not be to blame.

 

I have been married two years, and my wife and I had discussed our sexual pasts: I was married once before (my ex-wife cheated on me and left) and that was my only previous sexual experience. My wife proclaimed she only had two long terms partners before me. I considered us evenly matched and never gave her past another thought.

 

However, I found out recently how naive I am. Not only were her previous number of partners significantly higher, she had been seeing a married guy for 9 years: 3 years through his engagement and 6 years through his marriage. She stopped seeing him before we married. The way I found out is she kept a journal when she was younger and it seems the married guy clandestinely took copies for himself. His wife found out about his affair recently, and in vengeance emailed me copies.

 

In her journal it had such entries such as this from a few days after he got back from his honeymoon: "We made love all night long, six times, and I felt as if I was the one on a honeymoon."

 

So after all this came to a head, I asked her to see the journal entries she had on me. Of course, she had none. And of course we have never had sex more than once in a night, and sometimes not at all when she falls asleep on me. There were no entries in her journal about her falling asleep on him.

 

We talked about this and she says she feels she had to work much harder to prove herself "worthwhile" to him over his wife, which is why she felt she had to do so much more. She feels much more "comfortable" with me, which she never has with anyone. You can imagine how much that helps my resentment when I take her away for the weekend and she falls asleep on me.

 

So Crow, the issue may be she felt comfortable with you, and feels like she didn't have to work as hard, so it may not be you. You can even take it as a compliment.

 

Of course I am not saying you should have stayed with her, I have not decided to stay with my wife as she is now a completely different person. I am just saying you may be blaming yourself for something that doesn't exist.

[Caitlan]

You did the right thing by letting her go. No woman should be made to feel like she is some kind of tramp because of her past if she is now being loyal to you. It's not like she was a cheater as she was single when she did it. What a shame and how backwards thinking that some men think that woman who do the exact same things as they do sexually are sluts and the man is cool for doing it.

[Twynham]

I've come to this forum after having done a search on 'retroactive jealousy'.

 

I only found out an hour ago the thing had a name. Funny because it was nine years ago since I found out I had it.

 

Some of the posts I've read on this forum and others and have really struck a chord with me. It's just not something people in society seem to talk about.

 

I've had the videos playing in my head, my heart pounding like it was gonna burst out my chest from panic, the feeling like a zombie walking into work... I could go on.

 

I think what I struggle with is just the one night stand thing. Why did she want to jump straight into bed with him, but wait weeks with me? What did he have that I don't? What was the defining factor about him? What do I lack? There's a common response in that she 'wanted to show me respect' by waiting. I try and rationalize it (wrong I know) but it doesn't sink in. But at the same time, I know she's/they've done nothing wrong. I don't judge, I had three one-nighters myself when I was younger.

 

And then you read other responses that make me feel crap about myself because I just can't accept them:

 

* She's with YOU, it doesn't matter about THEM

* The past in the past, LEAVE IT THERE

 

Etc etc. I could go on. So easy to hear and so difficult to act upon.

 

I started counselling this week. I'm pinning my hopes on it. I so desparately want to put this behind me. It wrecked one relationship nine years ago, and I've jumped ship twice with two other since when I've started these horrid comparing-me-versus-him thoughts.

 

Others have suggested it's an ego thing. I suppose it is in a way. I want to be the lion that can hold its head up and walk proud, instead of what I am in comparing myself to 'my betters'.

 

I don't mean to be destructive to others by posting this, I just don't think I wanted to start a new thread while there are others there. I think I just wanted to relate and empathize with the original poster. I do have hope.

 

But - I'd be really happy to take advise. Please.

 

I'll finish by quoting limitreached. I think he's right.

 

Anyway, those still battling with this problem, do not give up hope. I'm sure every situation is different and I'm sure the majority of cases win.

[YoungandRestless]

I am a woman and i also suffer from RJ. To me its very real and very painful. So reading the comments on this post help. As well as any other info about how to deal with it. It tears me apart.

[changchewsoon]

To all the people whose fighting the war here against retroactive jealousy, please do not give up!

 

I know it is not easy to have those images running through your head, it does kill you off slowly.

 

There is really nothing we could do to undone the past, its either we accept them and move on, or we could just walk away. I chose to stay and fight, and I've won. Though I must say it was a tough battle.

 

When she said to me she totally regretted what she has done in the past, and if given a chance she would not do it ever because it breaks her heart to see me suffer, it is enough for me to move on.

 

Perhaps, this is what you need to hear from them.

[brokenboy]

I never realized how pervasive this retroactive jealousy issue was for men till I came to this forum. Now it's pretty clear to me that this is the male equivalent of the female discomfort with porn/checking out other women in a sexual way. Men see porn as absolutely no threat, and women see previous sexual partners as absolutely no threat. I used to think there was no real equivalent to the porn issue for women, but this might be it.

 

almost, but perhaps not quite. we can't (and women can't) do anything to change their past. That's the folly... there's nothing that can change...except the guy.

 

Don't equate this with being upset with his porn habit or his checking out other women... imagine being upset for porn he *used* to watch long before you were involved with him. it's stupid.

 

there is some literature to suggest this type of insecurity in part stems from the "centerfold syndrome". how we are socialized to objectify women, therefore assume that any woman who was sexual with somehow objectified. and somehow we don't like that the woman we want to be with was somehow... used. I'm paraphrasing, but this is rarely about morals or anything like that... any guy digging for details isn't concerned the woman he's with is a bad person. he KNOWS she's a good person otherwise he wouldn't care enough to care!!! it's so ****ing stupid...

 

CBT helps. Praying helps. Counseling helps. What helps too is an understanding partner who realizes you may not be ever able to shake the disease, but that you'll always be working on it. Seriously... the obsessive part is a lot like recovering addicts. Go check out a 12 step program and follow it. Seriously. if the original poster thinks this will be his last time doing this, he's wrong.

[melodymatters]

I could care less about past sexual partners. I dated a guy who was totally open about being a rock guy who f*cked zillion groupies before he " did the work" to realie he was looking for validation because his bio mom gave him up as a 1 yr old.

 

For me, it's the fact that they LOVED someone so much before me. It makes me feel replacable, like if say jennifer had wanted to marry him, he would have married her instead.

 

Porn, fine, ex sexual history fine, but you once loved and wanted to spend your life with another woman, that makes me feel....un-special.

 

I know intellectually that's the past and he loves ME now, but it still tweaks with my head sometimes.

 

I DO agree there's an element of OCD there, and I have it in no other area of my life.

 

Good luck to everyone, It is a TRULY SUCKY feeling, and knowing you are being so irrational makes it worse.

[JaydaLeah]

 

For me, it's the fact that they LOVED someone so much before me. It makes me feel replacable, like if say jennifer had wanted to marry him, he would have married her instead.

 

Porn, fine, ex sexual history fine, but you once loved and wanted to spend your life with another woman, that makes me feel....un-special.

 

I know intellectually that's the past and he loves ME now, but it still tweaks with my head sometimes.

 

Totally agree. Loving a person is like the highest peak/achievement in a relationship. My bf used to date his ex for 5 yrs.. and after graduation, they worked in different lands and the distance that pulled them apart and broke them up. I always wondered if they were in the same land, they would have probably married each other.

 

I get obsessive about it and i will go online, into his email, FB and stuff to find out more about his ex. Which doesn't help coz it i read emails about them talking about marriage, how they love each other (oh hell, gag me!) and such. Im not exaggerating, it makes me nauseous.

 

I cant stop comparing myself to her and wonder who is prettier (yea i know, pathetic.), who is hotter or whether he loves me more than he loved her... On one hand, i hate doing this coz its ridiculously stupid, but on the other hand, i cant help it.

 

I comfort myself by thinking that he probably will feel so too.. since i was really in loved and planning to marry MY ex.. and was so hurt when we broke up and such. Sigh, stupid stupid senseless jealousy...

[brokenboy]

I cant stop comparing myself to her and wonder who is prettier (yea i know, pathetic.), who is hotter or whether he loves me more than he loved her... On one hand, i hate doing this coz its ridiculously stupid, but on the other hand, i cant help it.

 

I'm beginning to realize there's an element of me that *wants* to think about it... and that is a sure sign of an obsession. somehow, I've come to a place where I only know feeling bad about it, so I think about it to make myself feel bad. wtf?! or something like that... crazy.

 

I'm hoping meds will help level me out enough to do the work to fix it.