DBSRQ Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 OMG, I'm in need of some help. I'm not sure what to do. My wife has recently fallen for a female co-worker of hers and we have 2 little children We work opposite hours and my wife works a late night job. After work she has been going out for a few drinks with her friend which has taken an odd turn. Now my wife claims she loves her and wants to spend intimate time alone with her; nights, weekend get aways, etc. And I'm not taking this too well. A bi-sexual relationship has been fine in my mind as long as we all share and have fun togather but this in not the case. Now last night I got pretty jealous and said some things that maybe I shouldn't have said, such as its over. I love my wife and my children and would do anything to keep us all happy but last night my wife said she no longer is in love with me and thinks of me now as more of a friend or a brother. THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! Any good advice or is it really over? Should I give her a taste of her own medicine and start screwing around also? I am simply beisde my self. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Hello, I am sorry for what you are going through. I strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. How would you handle it if she had fallen for a male co-worker and wanted to spend intimate time with him? This is the same. She wishes to have sex with another person and spend her intimate and social time with this woman. Contact a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
fubarred Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 There was thread like this in the infidelity forum last week I think. It's a tough spot to be in, that's for sure. As I mentioned in that thread, I have a friend who is in the same situation. His wife is bi-sexual, and like yours, she has no interest in including a man in the mix, she doesn't even want another man in the same room with them. She still loves him and they have sex together just like any other married couple, but she also has female lovers from time to time. He lets her go with it, basically to keep the marriage together. You would never know it though. Until they let you in on their little secret, they seem like any other couple. If she really feels the need to be with other women... she WILL be with other women. It's not the same thing as having sex with another man. I think that is why my friend allows it, because he knows that he can't give her the same feelings she gets from being with a woman. You just have to decide whether this is a "deal breaker" or if you can be happy with an open marriage of this sort. More than likely, she is NOT actually in love with this woman, but just really really confused. Has she actually had sex with the woman yet? I have no real advice to give, but just know that this situation happens more often than most men are willing to admit, and don't drive yourself crazy getting caught up in comparing yourself and what you provide for your wife to what the other woman provides... it's apples and oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 Two wrongs do not make a right, so don't go messing around with other women. Your kids NEED you! They need atleast one stable parent here.. Your wife needs to make a choice. Either go off and be with this OW, or work on the marriage with you. She cannot have it both ways! Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 time to toss the garbage to the curb! Link to post Share on other sites
nowhereman82 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 No one touched on the fact that she stated she does not love him anymore. The OW has no bearing on this now. If she knows she doesn't love him then that's a deal breaker and he needs to find a woman that will love him for him. Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 If she really feels the need to be with other women... she WILL be with other women. It's not the same thing as having sex with another man. I think that is why my friend allows it, because he knows that he can't give her the same feelings she gets from being with a woman. You just have to decide whether this is a "deal breaker" or if you can be happy with an open marriage of this sort. More than likely, she is NOT actually in love with this woman, but just really really confused. Has she actually had sex with the woman yet? I have no real advice to give, but just know that this situation happens more often than most men are willing to admit, and don't drive yourself crazy getting caught up in comparing yourself and what you provide for your wife to what the other woman provides... it's apples and oranges. I know where fubarred is coming from on this but i have to disagree. Except for the plumbing being with one sex is very much like being with the other. And emotionally it is pretty much exactly alike. While it is true that some of the body parts aren't the same sex is pretty much sex. having an open relationship for one person and not the other to keep the marriage together rarely works indefinitely. In the two cases I knew like this one woman said that while having an open R sounded great in theory it is a little like revving your motorcycle outside your partners window at 3 am. It sucks. and this was coming from the person who had all the options.. her boyfriend certainly couldn't be with other girls. another woman who was married dated other women and then her husband who seemed totally cool with it met someone else and left her. I think he felt more free to leave since his wife has a revolving door in the marriage. I would treat this affair like any other. I would gather your resources and start doing a 180 on your wife to take care of yourself. Don't screw around with other women at the moment your head and heart are a mess. I would start looking at getting her out of the house, in fact help her pack, and getting custody. Often if anything is going to wake up the unfaithful spouse it is this only....they are about to lose everything. If they can stay on the fence and make you support their fun they will (under the guise of the kids need them or some such garbage) she can come pick them up for a visit etc. She is going to do what she wants anyway. I would play hardball. As a lesbian and someone who has been cheated on several times I gotta say I cannot stand the OM/OW. I have nothing but a deep loathing for these folks. I think that fubarred's reasoning above is exactly why the OW/OM in these situations are able to discount the marriage of their affair partners because they say the same things to themselves. It's apples and oranges what do one have to do with the other? Their actions clearly aren't responsible for helping to destroy a marriage if after all they clearly are unrelated. I think that is very faulty logic. But where he is right is that yes if your wife is really a lesbian and just figuring this out there is no going back. There is very little you can do as you cannot compete with someone's sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
fubarred Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 I agree with you about it being an affair, just like any other. The different part I was speaking of is the actual sex, and that's only what I've been told. You would certainly know better than me though, so I'll give no arguments there. I wasn't trying to discount it, just saying that if she wants women, she will have women and he isn't going to change that... The guy I am speaking of screwed up from the start. She expressed her desires to him and he went right along with... basically because he was thinking about the possible three way sex orgies that were SURE to follow... but they didn't, and he lived with his decision anyway. It IS a one-sided open relationship, but he accepts that it is one of her needs and he rationalizes that it is different than being with another man. I'm not sure I would go there myself, but it works for them. The most important part though, is that they are open about it with each other... otherwise, yes, it should be treated just like any other affair. Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Yeah fubarred I wasn't outright disagreeing with you, I knew what you were trying to say but wanted to clarify a bit more. Maybe I should have clearer. That guys situation just sounds sad to me and yeah he was a fool to think he was going to be included. IN fact I've burst the bubble of the few guys who have approached me about being with them and their wives. I said, "well the reality is you certainly won't be touching me, so it won't be about you but your wife and secondly I'd probably really just prefer if you weren't in the room at all. It isn't a stupid fantasy but it is a stupid reality... frankly that is one that is just for the porn files in most cases. I know swingers and things do get difficult even with the openness. Obviously their relationships are not being pilfered by lies which in my opinion is the hardest thing about getting cheated on. I know people get hung up on the was she better was he bigger than me stuff about the OW/OM but in reality I think that stuff is rather incidental. But either way emotional resources are being drained from the primary relationship in most cases, particularly if only one party has the option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DBSRQ Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Thank you everyone for your replies, sympothies & opionions. I'm still quite on the fence with my situation. Believe me I've gone through many emotions lately from saying "its over" and "I want a divorce" to "can we seek therapy" and "how can we make this work." A lot has changed and little has changed within the past few days. My wife claims that she "only wants to be able to go out with her friend once or twice a week" and still wants us to stay togather as a family and work on our relationship. I am very confused from day to day. One day is wonderful with tons of affection and just enjoying each others company and on another day she says that she needs or just wants some space. To my knowlege she has been very honest and open about this situation and by what I know is that they have not had sex, yet but have kissed. Later on, during the same moring I made this post I called her girlfriend and left a message on her voicemail that I would like to talk to her. She did return my call and we had a very good conversation. I asked her what are her motives and where does she see this going? She claims to love my wife as a friend and only as a friend and does not want to break up our family and that she and my wife will never be a "couple" and that she wants nothing to do being the cause of our potential divorce. Since then my wife has been acting better and even has been ending our phone conversations with "love you." On the other end, SHE IS HAVING DINNER AND A COUPLE OF DRINKS WITH HER RIGHT NOW and says I'll be home tonight after they have their drink or two. We have plans to go out Friday night and take the boat our fishing with the girls on Saturday. I'm not on the fence, I'm walking on a tight rope! On the other subject of me seeing someone else to spite her or just for my own needs. It clearly appears that I have to hold back and be the level headed one right now. I guess I might just have to watch some porn. Thanx again for all your help and stay tuned. I'm sure this isn't over yet like I wish it were. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 My wife claims that she "only wants to be able to go out with her friend once or twice a week" and still wants us to stay togather as a family and work on our relationship No go. That is crap. She can't fix the marriage with this OW in the picture, let alone go out with her once a week. She's totally in a fog here and isn't thinking clearly at all. She can't have it both ways, that's the bottomline. Sooner or later she has to choose, or you'll be choosing for her. Yeah go enjoy some porn. You probably need abit of a release.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 This is totally unacceptable. Your wife is having at the very least an emotional affair with this OW. The OW has already told you that she is in love with her. Your wife has admitted to at least kissing her. She tells you she just wants to go out for drinks and dinner a couple of times a week with this girlfriend....You have got to be kidding me. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life sharing your wife with another woman? Your wife continues to disrespect you and your marriage. You would have to be a fool to put up with this. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 . My wife claims that she "only wants to be able to go out with her friend once or twice a week" and still wants us to stay togather as a family and work on our relationship. I am very confused from day to day. One day is wonderful with tons of affection and just enjoying each others company and on another day she says that she needs or just wants some space. How do you feel about her proposition? Link to post Share on other sites
CanadaGuy Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 Tell her she can only see her while you watch! I don't think she is bi, I think she has turned gay. Sorry to hear, the only bright side I can think of, at least you found out now, not years from now. Life goes on. NEXT!! P.S. I know it is easier said than done, and once you are legally separated, go meet some women and have some fun Link to post Share on other sites
sweet&simple Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 ... Are you seriously letting your wife see the OW once or twice a week? It seems RIDICULOUS to me that you'd even consider letting her set rules for her cheating.. because that's what it is. Ask yourself this: Would you be ok with this if it was a MAN instead of a WOMAN? It's sort of a common knowledge thing that when you find out of the affair your SO goes NC with the OW/OM. There is no such thing as working on the marriage while keeping in contact with the OP. You can't half be in a marriage.. it's all or nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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