friend out of bound?

[lucia]

I have been with my bf for a year now and practically all my friends think we almost have an ideal relationship.

 

All this time he has never given me any reason to be jealous or insecure. Well... until lately. I notice he's getting close to one of my friends. She's now his friend because of me. I like her so much and I always help her. He's so nice to her too and always helps her the way I would. The last few weeks, however, it seems my bf spends a lot of time with her. Well... his excuse is he's trying to help her or motivate her in her work. Sadly, my friend seems to approach him more this time for help (?) than to me. Before she'd use to ask me first if she could ask my bf to do something for her. I never say no to her... even now. Worst, it seems that they both like each other. She'd ask him to accompany her to whever she'd like to go.

 

At first I ignore it because I'm not really a jealous person. I trust both of them. Last week I finally sat down my bf and asked him directly if he's interested in her. He vehemently denied and that I'm the only one in his life, ever. But his actions don't seem to match. He continues to do what he's doing. I'm also disappointed with my friend for not keeping a respectable distance. I am like that with my other friends. If they're in a relationship, I never do anything that would raise the curiosity of their partners.

 

Am I out of my mind? Do I have a reason not to trust my bf now? Do I have a reasonable expectation from my bf? Do I have reasonable expectations from my friend/s? What should I do?

 

Distressed,

lucia

[Tony T]

I thnk you have reason to be concerned. I would talk to your girlfriend and tell her you feel it's more appropriate for her to ask you, and not your boyfriend, for help in doing things. Get the friendship back on track. It's not good for your boyfriend to be spending an inordinate amount of time with her for any reason.

[Leikela]

You have a very valid point. That is the first sign that there is definitely potential for their friendship to go beyond the normal boundaries. That's how it all starts.

 

I like so many of my boyfriend's guy friends, but I don't call them up for the hell of it. I keep my distance and hang out and talk with them when we all hang out together. You just don't cross that line.

 

Definitely talk with your girlfriend and see why she is behaving this way towards your boyfriend. Tell her how you feel and be open. Hopefully they'll stop their behavior, but if not, then there will be more trouble down the road.

[lucia]

Thanks Tony and Leikela. Glad to know I'm not really being paranoid here. I agree-- we should keep a healthy distance from friends who are in a relationship. Men, you know... if it's the woman who initiates, it's rare for them to refuse.

 

My other friends are like that- they always inform me first if they want something from my bf. Just courtesy, I know. and I always appreciate it. But this friend of mine seems sneaky. She and bf share some interests, but so do we.

 

I really feel bad feeling the way I do lately. Your input helps a lot, thanks.

[A wanderer]

ok i have many beleifs just look for some threads i have been in. i have one here. i beleive in honest relationships. tell him how you feel i think he'll understand i know i would.

[lucia]

I've had it! I'm tired of playing head games and tired of people who are disrespectful of my feelings.

 

Last night I visited my bf earlier than expected-- 6:00 p.m., instead of 9:00 p.m. And there I found my friend at his place; both of them playing the guitar. They were both as surprised as I was, but I tried to control myself. I just told my friend, "I didn't know you played the guitar". She said she doesn't and she's asking my bf to teach him. My bf was a bit uncomfy and very defensive; he said he told her she should also ask me to teach her because I play the guitar well.

 

Anyway, I left immediately and just said that I just dropped by to say I wouldn't be able to come at 9:00 because I was going to visit a friend who's sick. I told them to have fun and to let me know when's the recital so I could make the invitations. Am sure my bf sensed the sarcasm. My bf tried to catch up with me but I was too fast to get into my car.

 

Today I went to my bf's place for lunch. I acted as if nothing happened, but I was meaning to discuss things with him after lunch. When we were about to sit down, this questionable friend of mine came by with some dish she cooked. She probably didn't expect me to be there, and she quickly explained she was just dropping by to share with us her favorite dish (my bf's favorite, surprise!). As she was leaving I asked her to join us. And she did!

 

Well, dunno what got into me, but as soon as we were seated I put the 2 of them on the spot. I said it was the best time since it was difficult to get the 3 of us together. I asked the 2 of them directly (trying to control my emotions), if there was something going on between them. My bf automatically said no, and my friend kinda got rattled and explaining herself defensively. I told them everything I felt and how I expect my bf and friends to behave. It wasn't enough, I asked my bf point blank if he likes my friend; I also asked my friend. Of course, they said they just like each other as friends. Then I went on my tirade about what friendship means to me. Told them too they appear sneaky and just downright insensitive to how I might feel about them.

 

Well, I was able to release all my pent-up emotions (without being overly dramatic). I cried and hurriedly leave telling them that I was late for work. They were shocked, I think; I left without being convinced by their reactions. I told my bf that it's over and I wish the 2 of them the best of luck.

 

TWo hrs. later, my bf went to see me at work. Told him I was busy. Just an hr ago I got email and phone messages from my bf explaining his side. Repeating over and over again that there was nothing between him and my friend, and that it was my friend who was "aggressive". I haven't replied yet. Too bad-- I don't think I want him back again. Well that's how I feel at the moment. I'm like that. When I'm hurt, that's it. There's no use prolonging it; life is short.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Leikela]

Hi Lucia,

 

I am sorry to hear about how things went with your friends. However, I think you did the right thing by confronting them like you did and getting your feelings out and putting your foot down! You rarely hear women on here taking action like that. Good for you!!

 

As for the situation, your boyfriend and your "friend" are BOTH at fault here. Even if your friend was aggressive, he didn't have to stand for it. He could have told her NO.

 

As for this "friend", I would kick her to the curb! She obviously has it BAD for your boyfriend and doesn't respect your friendship enough to stay away from him. Being at his house, taking guitar lessons and making him his favorite dish... Disgusting and TOTALLY over the boundaries. She does seem to be the aggressor but your boyfriend is at fault for going along with it, even if nothing happened between them. They were definitely setting the stage for something to happen in the future.

 

I hope everything works out and if your boyfriend truly loves you and wants to be with you, he'll stop all contact with your "friend". The best of luck to you!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Way to go Lucia!

 

You handled yourself BRILLIANTLY!

 

I once had a friend who developed a crush on my partner. It was partly my fault because I felt bad that she was alone and often invited her to join us when we went out. I didn't want to be one of those people who abandoned their friends completely when they entered a romantic relationship. She even made comments on how attractive she thought "J" was, but I took it as a compliment to "my good taste in men" and simply agreed!

 

Until the day she mustered up the courage to ask me for permission to take "J" to a concert (his favorite band). But she only had two tickets...one for her and him! She actually said, "You know I wouldn't do anything 'shady'...it would be just 'as friends'."

 

I'm so proud of myself that I didn't lay into her right there and then! My plan was more brilliant! While I didn't trust my so-called friend, I DID trust "J," (he had warned me already to be cautious of her). As I expected, "J" turned down the invitation and humiliated my friend FOR ME! I never had to yell at her or lecture her about how a friend should respect another friend's feelings. I cut her off COMPETE LY and never answered her many attempts to telephone and email me with an apology.

 

Lesson learned! And she lost her friendship with two TERRIFIC people.

 

While those of us who are secure enough in our relationships to share "boyfriend time"... it doesn't mean we are willing to share our boyfriends!! But if "J" had been as attentive to my friend as your boyfriend was with yours...I would have done the same thing as you! It tells you a lot about BOTH of their characters.

 

You are obviously a bright lady and deserve someone better!

[lucia]

Thanks Leikela (is that a Hawaiian name? ) and Enigma for the support. It's been difficult since that incident, but surprisingly I'm sticking to my guns. My bf (now ex) must realize now what I have always told him even at the start of our relationship. Told him that I'm not really a complicated person. All I want is honesty and respect-- just the basics from all the people that I care about. I'm hoping I sent home that message again during that dramatic encounter.

 

As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I'm not really a jealous person. My partner can go out with anyone-- as long as both are mindful of the boundaries. I always respect others, and I expect others to do the same to me. Also, I don't want sneakiness. Keep everything open if there's nothing fishy going on, darn it!. I think it's pretty much common sense.

 

You're right Enigma-- I can share bf time with others, but not necessarily the bf himself.

 

Thanks again all.