Decision Time - What will he decide?

[Spinning Head]

It is amazing how things change in a few hours. I posted on this forum for the first time yesterday and greatly appreciated the responses.

 

Background: I've been having an A for 9 months with a MM. I was married when the A started and separated a month ago. MM claims he loves me and wants a future with me. MM retained an attorney in June to prepare a separation agreement which has not been done. MM rented an apartment for 6 months. MM still lives at home.

 

Last night, MM's W confronted him with the A as well as other things. MM had posted nude photos of himself on a website in 2006 and MM's W has them. MM's W claims she has photos of us together. MM has been married for 32 years. MM's W stated that she still loves him.

 

MM and I were supposed to meet today. MM called and told me of last night's events and cancelled our meeting - he 'needs to stay close to home' (his words). However, he is still leaving the state with friends on Thursday.

 

I asked MM what he was going to do as this was an opportunity for him to leave a marriage that, according to him, is unhappy and unfulfilling. He stated he needed a few days to sort things out. He stated that he was afraid of making a change. He stated that he loves me and wants a future with me. He stated that he wants to talk to me as he takes the next few days to make a decision. I'm 40 years old and feel like I'm jumping up and down, waving my arms, yelling "Pick me! Pick me!" How did I get to this point?

 

If I am completely honest with myself, I know that he will choose to stay in his marriage. I will not be picked. And, that really really hurts.

[Owl]

Then why wait for him to burn you?

 

Right now, you can bet he's at home, and either denying his butt off that you mean anything to him, or he's throwing you under the bus, blaming the whole thing on you.

 

Why settle for this? Why wait for him to come tell you that he's not sure what he wants to do.

 

What he WANTS is to have both you and his wife.

 

The real question is...what do YOU want, and what crumbs are you willing to accept?

[torranceshipman]

I agree with Owl...leave him before he burns you again. You already know he wont leave his M - in fact it even sounds like the W knows everything and still wants him to stay. That makes his life super easy, as now he has 2 women in his life who'll stick around and take whatever crap he throws at them.

 

Secondly, he is happy to go out of town with buddies, yet cant spare an hour or two to come and see you? - c'mon-yet more flaky behavior and disrespect on his part. Yet another occasion where he sees he can treat you like crap and you'll take it.

 

The guy is a complete loser-walk away!

[quankanne]

you are 40 years old and the sands of time are not moving in your favor. Why the heck are YOU waiting for HIM to make a decision that has such a great impact on your life?

 

because you love him? All good and fine, but that and a buck-fifty will get you a cup of coffee and not one bit more.

 

he's already shown you time and again what his decision is (his needs over yours, his wife over you) yet you seem to think that something is going to change. Do you really want to spend the second half of your life wasting away, hoping that someday somehow, he's going to yell "eureka!" and decide to put you first?

 

I'm not trying to be evil or mean or rude, but I'm two years older than you, and I hate thinking that a woman in her prime is waiting for some jackass to make a decision that she's very well capable of making on her own. Do you really need him so badly in your life that you will sacrifice this period in your life to find a relationship that works in your favor as well as his, or are you content to just ... settle for sloppy seconds he calls "love"?

[SoxPrincess]

(((Spinning Head))),

 

You deserve SO much more than this sweetie, WAY more than this. This sounds like a classic case of the MM getting busted, putting you on the back burner while he jumps through his ass to save his M and when things cool off at home, he comes crawling back to you because he expects you'll be waiting. Surprise him, make a better choice for yourself because you DESERVE it & move on.

 

torranceshipman hit the nail on the head, at the moment, MM has the best of both worlds in his mind. His W busted him & is willing (right now it seems) to stay in the M and he knows you're waiting in the wings; why would he make a decision that will disrupt his life when he has everything he wants? xMM told me for months & months that the thought of change, at his age (almost 40 at the time) was frightening and I kept convincing myself that one day, he would find the courage to leave because he had been telling me for so long how miserable he was. Like I said in your other thread, knowing what I know now, I think the whole "I'm scared of change" is an excuse, a crappy one at that, that an MM will throw out in order to invoke sympathy from the OW and to keep her hanging on. Looking back, when xMM gave me that line, I wish I would have said "OK, you're afraid of change, so I am not going to make you change. See ya!"; I wasted a lot of time but you still have the ability to say that Right now, MM thinks the ball is in his court when in reality, it's in yours. You have the power to walk away from this, start healing from the pain and in the end, grow stronger from it.

 

One more thing that I wanted to touch on; I relate to you on many levels, not just because our MM/xMM seem so similar but because I was/am married when I got involved with xMM. I was convinced my M was over, that no amount of marriage counseling, discussions, etc. would make my M better and that getting a divorce was the best option for me with or without xMM. In reality, my thinking was clouded because I was focusing all of my attention on xMM..know what I mean? I was talking to a good friend one day & was whining about how xMM wasn't paying attention to me, how I felt like second place..pretty much all the typical OW whines and my friend said " So let me get this straight, you are willing to accept being second place because you are sooooooo in love with MM but feeling that way wasn't acceptable when it was coming from the man you married 10 years ago?" The light in my head came on that day, I realized I was accepting the way xMM was treating me and how he was making me feel when it was the exact same reason I chose to have an A in the first place!

 

In the end, I was lucky enough to get a 2nd chance with my husband and our M is a lot better now than it ever has been. I am in NO way suggesting that my A saved my M, but I did learn from it, pulled my head out of my hiney and I really worked hard alongside my husband to make the changes necessary for us to reconcile. Obviously, I don't know anything about your M other than what you've shared with us, but I wanted to share that part of my story anyway. I would strongly consider not making any huge decisions about divorce until your A has ended and you've had time without either MM or your H to truly think about what is best.

 

I wish you lots of luck & strength

[whichwayisup]

If I am completely honest with myself, I know that he will choose to stay in his marriage. I will not be picked. And, that really really hurts.

 

Then do yourself a favour and take yourself out of the running. Listen to your gut instinct! This man has a 32 year marriage with his wife. That's ALOT of history together, no wonder he's scared of change! For 32+ years, that's all he knows! He isn't just going to up and leave, even if he IS miserable. He's comfortable and settled. Only way he'll leave is, if he hits rock bottom and there's some major consquence that affects to the point that he HAS no choice BUT to change.

 

9 months vs 32 years.......Keep that in mind. He may "love" you, with all the great feelings a new relationship brings along, but in another sense, it's ALL based on good stuff in an affair setting. Your time with him is all fun, nothing that life throws at you (other than the fact he's married) has really tested you two. It's hidden, in secret, not out in the open. Your lives are not entwined together at all, only on HIS terms and his time frame.

 

Tell him to call you when he's officially divorced..Don't settle to be the OW in his life. And, in the meantime, take care of things in your life, like getting a divorce so your husband can heal and find someone else who will love him.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Then do yourself a favour and take yourself out of the running. Listen to your gut instinct! This man has a 32 year marriage with his wife. That's ALOT of history together, no wonder he's scared of change! For 32+ years, that's all he knows! He isn't just going to up and leave, even if he IS miserable. He's comfortable and settled. Only way he'll leave is, if he hits rock bottom and there's some major consquence that affects to the point that he HAS no choice BUT to change.

 

9 months vs 32 years.......Keep that in mind. He may "love" you, with all the great feelings a new relationship brings along, but in another sense, it's ALL based on good stuff in an affair setting. Your time with him is all fun, nothing that life throws at you (other than the fact he's married) has really tested you two. It's hidden, in secret, not out in the open. Your lives are not entwined together at all, only on HIS terms and his time frame.

 

Tell him to call you when he's officially divorced..Don't settle to be the OW in his life. And, in the meantime, take care of things in your life, like getting a divorce so your husband can heal and find someone else who will love him.

 

I agree with this as well. Men seem to have a MUCH harder time with change IMO.

[Spinning Head]

I hate the fact that the A has consumed so much of my emotional energy. I don't know how I allowed myself to reach the point wherein MM is calling the shots in this relationship. I own my own business and I was so upset about the turn of events that I left my work so my employees would not see me upset and crying! I've been home - working around the house while crying.

 

I agree completely with your comments. Sox Princess - I do appreciate your comments and I do feel that I am experiencing the same events you lived through.

 

I have become dependent on him emotionally as we speak each morning and each afternoon. He owns his own business so we are sounding boards for each other on that topic.

 

I've got to figure out how to stop this crying and feeling of loss.

[Owl]

Same way you remove a band-aid.

 

RIIIIIP!!!! "OWWWWW!!!!" followed by "Oooooh, that actually feels better!".

[quankanne]

I think this is something akin to the grieving process, so the best way to get past the tears and heartache is to let them take their course. And I feel for you, because that's never an easy experience ... but the healing *will* take place, you know?

 

I didn't mean to sound so bxtchy earlier, but I hate seeing people being taken advantage of like this, and your guy sounds like a cake-eater. You deserve much, much better than this yanking around

[astra77]

(((Spinning Head))),

 

You deserve SO much more than this sweetie, WAY more than this. This sounds like a classic case of the MM getting busted, putting you on the back burner while he jumps through his ass to save his M and when things cool off at home, he comes crawling back to you because he expects you'll be waiting. Surprise him, make a better choice for yourself because you DESERVE it & move on.

 

torranceshipman hit the nail on the head, at the moment, MM has the best of both worlds in his mind. His W busted him & is willing (right now it seems) to stay in the M and he knows you're waiting in the wings; why would he make a decision that will disrupt his life when he has everything he wants? xMM told me for months & months that the thought of change, at his age (almost 40 at the time) was frightening and I kept convincing myself that one day, he would find the courage to leave because he had been telling me for so long how miserable he was. Like I said in your other thread, knowing what I know now, I think the whole "I'm scared of change" is an excuse, a crappy one at that, that an MM will throw out in order to invoke sympathy from the OW and to keep her hanging on. Looking back, when xMM gave me that line, I wish I would have said "OK, you're afraid of change, so I am not going to make you change. See ya!"; I wasted a lot of time but you still have the ability to say that Right now, MM thinks the ball is in his court when in reality, it's in yours. You have the power to walk away from this, start healing from the pain and in the end, grow stronger from it.

 

One more thing that I wanted to touch on; I relate to you on many levels, not just because our MM/xMM seem so similar but because I was/am married when I got involved with xMM. I was convinced my M was over, that no amount of marriage counseling, discussions, etc. would make my M better and that getting a divorce was the best option for me with or without xMM. In reality, my thinking was clouded because I was focusing all of my attention on xMM..know what I mean? I was talking to a good friend one day & was whining about how xMM wasn't paying attention to me, how I felt like second place..pretty much all the typical OW whines and my friend said " So let me get this straight, you are willing to accept being second place because you are sooooooo in love with MM but feeling that way wasn't acceptable when it was coming from the man you married 10 years ago?" The light in my head came on that day, I realized I was accepting the way xMM was treating me and how he was making me feel when it was the exact same reason I chose to have an A in the first place!

 

In the end, I was lucky enough to get a 2nd chance with my husband and our M is a lot better now than it ever has been. I am in NO way suggesting that my A saved my M, but I did learn from it, pulled my head out of my hiney and I really worked hard alongside my husband to make the changes necessary for us to reconcile. Obviously, I don't know anything about your M other than what you've shared with us, but I wanted to share that part of my story anyway. I would strongly consider not making any huge decisions about divorce until your A has ended and you've had time without either MM or your H to truly think about what is best.

 

I wish you lots of luck & strength

 

This was ME many months ago, thanks for this post, it re affirms my commitment to myself and my H.

[Meaplus3]

It is amazing how things change in a few hours. I posted on this forum for the first time yesterday and greatly appreciated the responses.

 

Background: I've been having an A for 9 months with a MM. I was married when the A started and separated a month ago. MM claims he loves me and wants a future with me. MM retained an attorney in June to prepare a separation agreement which has not been done. MM rented an apartment for 6 months. MM still lives at home.

 

Last night, MM's W confronted him with the A as well as other things. MM had posted nude photos of himself on a website in 2006 and MM's W has them. MM's W claims she has photos of us together. MM has been married for 32 years. MM's W stated that she still loves him.

 

MM and I were supposed to meet today. MM called and told me of last night's events and cancelled our meeting - he 'needs to stay close to home' (his words). However, he is still leaving the state with friends on Thursday.

 

I asked MM what he was going to do as this was an opportunity for him to leave a marriage that, according to him, is unhappy and unfulfilling. He stated he needed a few days to sort things out. He stated that he was afraid of making a change. He stated that he loves me and wants a future with me. He stated that he wants to talk to me as he takes the next few days to make a decision. I'm 40 years old and feel like I'm jumping up and down, waving my arms, yelling "Pick me! Pick me!" How did I get to this point?

 

If I am completely honest with myself, I know that he will choose to stay in his marriage. I will not be picked. And, that really really hurts.

 

If this is just going to hurt you even more, then why bother sticking around? Time to move on and find someone who is fully available to YOU because YOU deserve that. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[crystal_lostheart]

Same way you remove a band-aid.

 

RIIIIIP!!!! "OWWWWW!!!!" followed by "Oooooh, that actually feels better!".

 

 

gotta luv that - so true

[Spinning Head]

I sent an e-mail to MM yesterday afternoon conveying my thoughts to him about our relationship and the fact that I truly believe that he will remain in his marriage. I also pointed out that one of the many reasons that I felt he will remain in his marriage was he decision to 'stay clost to home' and avoid seeing me.

 

MM sent me a text message about 6:30 PM stating that he had read my e-mail and that he loved me. We usually talk in the late afternoons as he calls me but no call yesterday - just that text.

 

Then about 10:45 PM, MM text me that he was hoping to hear from me and that he loved me.

 

I've not responded to either text messages . . . at least, not at this point. Hopefully, I can fall back to sleep!

 

I'm still very hurt . . . .

[aloneatnights]

after 9 months, my A got to that point. w eonly texted though but it was like we started playing 'stand off'. who would text first, who would be willing to hold off the longest. i got sick of it and the whole kitncaboodle.

after laying my emotions on the line and getting jack back, i went NC hard.

listen, 9 months is long enough for him to know what he wants and make a move.

my advice, dont be there waiting for him. drop contact and take a step back and see what happens then. seems it's all on his terms, his time and his feelings. going to be hard, very hard cos all you hear in your head is 'i love you' but where's the actions to prove it?

[torranceshipman]

He's withdrawing from you, because he is married and wants to keep his marriage. But he isnt an honest guy so will keep you around too if you let it happen-but he will always keep you low on his list of priorities and you'llbe lucky to get a text or whatever, or a quick meeting whenever he feels like it. He calls the shots because he is less interested in you than you are in him, and he has other options that mean more to him (his M). But he'll keep on with the 'i love you's' so you'll stick around and he can enjoy having you when he wants you.

 

So thats IT. That's all you'll ever get from him. You have a choice - end it now, or continue contact, knowing that this is what you're signing up for. Why not just remove the misery from your life, by removing him? No more emotional conversations with him about how he feels/how you feel - ultimately, he is the entire source of your misery and he wont tell you the truth so it's really a good time to leave this whole situation!

[jj33]

Spinning I was in a very similar situation. Married 30 some years etc etc. Even after the PA ended he held on very very tight. And it was very very painful.

 

Saying I need to stick close to home right now is a none too thin veiled code for Im not leaving but I will let you know when I can fit you in. That means that for the moment his decision is made. He is staying put. If you were OK with seeing him as and when that would be one thing. But you arent. If you have the opportunity to cut ties completely its the greatest gift you can give youself.

 

For some men who have been married for a long time, having OW is a coping strategy. They love some (like you) more than others, but it doesnt change the fact that they are staying put.

 

As everyone says and its true, if you walk away now you win no matter what happens. Either you detach and move on with your life, or you detach and he catches up with you. But sticking around while he "chooses" is only going to inflict more pain.

 

Its only in the past few days I have felt a total change in my perspective. Its been very hard won and as of today he is still clinging on tight. But so what? Hes still married and committed to staying married. So now I just ignore it. He does what he needs to do (clinging on) and I do what I need to do. I respond politely but it no longer tugs at my heart. Its draining and if we could cut ties completely I would do it in a nanosecond.

[Spinning Head]

I did not speak to MM last night although he sent me two very short text messages. I sent a second e-mail to him this morning wherein I stated that I believed that he could not make a change and would remain in his marriage. We had a trip planned next month, deposit made, and I e-mailed him to take his W on the trip as a way to renew their vows and commitment to each other. I also e-mailed him that since he has chosen to stay with his W for the past two nights and cancel plans with me, then, in essence, he has made a decision.

 

MM called me this morning and I did talk to him. I went over what I wrote in my e-mail to him as he had not read it. MM stated that he did not want to do those things but wanted to be with me. I told him to make a decision today and he said he would. Then, later, he stated that he could not make a decision today.

 

I just don't get it. If you claim to be so damn unhappy and love someone else so much, why not seize the opportunity presented to you?

 

I guess I am as thick in the head as he is in that I know I need to let him go and don't. I'm as pathetic as him!

[jj33]

I know its hard but noone is going to make a decision today about a 32 year marriage. You cant put a time frame on him and expect him to stick to it just like that. But what you can do is walk away. You can tell him you understand he isnt deciding today and you need to separate yourself and get on with your life. Because he may make a decision tomrorow and cahnge it on Saturday. Its a huge process. And until he is sure you will be pushed and pulled and for now he is choosing to stay. Just my 2 cents. Others may see it differently But if I were you I would not be wanting to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. You love him just because you separatae yourself while he decides doesnt mean you are going to fall in love with someone else tomorrow. But who knows what fate has in store?

 

he is weighing his options. You need to get some distance so you can create new options for yourself.

[wildsoul]

I know its hard but noone is going to make a decision today about a 32 year marriage. You cant put a time frame on him and expect him to stick to it just like that.

<snip>

But what you can do is walk away. You can tell him you understand he isnt deciding today and you need to separate yourself and get on with your life.

<snip>

he is weighing his options. You need to get some distance so you can create new options for yourself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

 

Spinning Head, the timing sure looks perfect! You've been slowly reclaiming your power (as evident in your posts here.) You've confronted the issue enough to see that he isn't ready to leave his M at this time. Really, there is no reason to continue the "decision" talks. You have your answer.

 

Seems to me that if you break away now, you'll be able to get yourself back together sooner. Instead of waiting and going in loops, you'll be healing. Sure thing that you'll launch into the grieving phase, but there's no avoiding that. Go forward anyways. Heal.

 

Don't leave as a way to get him back, do it for you. But based on my experience, I think that there's no chance in hell of him deciding to leave his M as long as you're sticking around. He doesn't even say he is leaving, so he probably isn't. Yet as long as he is semi-happy and comfortable, there is no motivation to change. Your staying in contact enables him.

 

You can't lose by moving on. Timing is perfect now.

[Spinning Head]

Update: I met with MM yesterday. It was a good but wrenching meeting. I have never seen MM cry before but he cried yesterday. Sobbed actually. MM states that he is very afraid of a change. I told him that he needed to either make a change or commit to his W and come clean with her about the affair. MM has had affairs in the past of which his W does not know.

 

MM claimed he would tell his W he was unhappy and wanted to leave the M and would see me last night. Guess what? MM never appeared. He sent me a text message that he had told W and that she wants him to stay home until Monday.

 

I'm not a quitter but it is time to give up. I don't know what else to do. MM allowed his secretary to read an e-mail that I sent to him about my feelings and our future. His secretary told him that she was in an unhappy marriage and had an affair and left her husband for the MM she was seeing - they are married and very happy. MM did not know of her marital history.

 

I am very very hurt. I am very very angry. I want MM to hurt as much as I hurt. I am in revenge mode at this point. And, there are things that I can do to hurt MM - both personally and professionally.

[jj33]

Spinning I know how upset you are. YOu dont need to get revenge the man is in a hell of his own making. He has lived a false life for many years filling the void with As, he fell in love with you and is caught in a marriage he is having trouble leaving. He is weak and torn and more unhappy than anything you could do would ever make him. Why add to his unhappiness. leave him to it. Any energy spent on revenge is better spent planning a fabulous life for you.

[quankanne]

spinning, I know you're hurting right now, but revenge is NOT your best option. Just hold your head up high and walk away. Go cold turkey. Stop responding to calls and emails and freeze him out. It's obvious that he's already made his decision to remain married, and it's obvious that he's going to do his best to hang on to you because you're giving him encouragement even though you say differently.

 

YOU need to decide if you want to be strung along for the unforeseeable by a man who has chosen not to make you the priority in his life ... DON'T leave the decision up to him when it's YOUR life that's being affected.

 

you owe yourself more than that. Unless it's your intention to float through the next 5-10-20 years of your life at the whim of a man who has other, more important commitments than a true relationship with you?

[manugeorge]

Spinning, you are a grown woman and it's time to start acting your age and get a grip. Revenge is for high school kids. I know you are hurting but come on now, you did go into this with your eyes opened, didn't you?

 

Like someone else said before, you'll have a hell of a time convincing some man to just up and leave a 32 year marriage and overhaul his whole life for a 9 month relationship. I'm not diminishing what you think you had with him but no matter how miserable he is at home, it still doesn't compare.

 

You said he's had affairs through his marriage, what makes you think your affair with him is different? If he didn't leave previously, you think he would now?

 

Change is scary for people, that is just the bottom line. Much less something as drastic as this. Most people will wallow in self pity and misery rather than make a life altering change because although they are miserable, they are still comfortable in their misery. It is their niche, it is what they know and are familiar with. Why do you think his wife is not kicking him out either? I mean one would think she will go nuts over her husband's affairs but no she said she still loves him and wants him to stay. Because she, like him, is afraid of change too and would rather take the dished out dirt than do something about it. It's unfortunate but humans are wired funny like that.

[Spinning Head]

I've asked MM that question several times - why is being with me different than the As in his past. MM confesses he is in love with me and was not with the others. MM stated that he started As because he wanted intimacy with a woman.

 

I've read other posts on this site today and it is amazing at the routine of an A. As I read what OW post that their MM said or did, I see that MM is doing the same.

 

MM called me and told me that he told his W that the M was over. MM claims he told her last night. MM stated that he is moving out on Tuesday as MM wants him to stay over the Labor Day weekend - for their grown kids' sake.

 

Honestly, I don't know if what he is telling me is true or not. My heart says it is true, my head says it is not true.

 

I've got to figure out a way to shake these hurtful feelings. I've spent two days in sheer agony over this situation. I know that I need to move on. It's just hard to move on.