Decision Time - What will he decide?

[Lucky_One]

I would think that a 3 day weekend is the best time to move out - rather than wait until a workday to do it.

 

Sounds like they have a party to attend or something.

[wildsoul]

MM called me and told me that he told his W that the M was over. MM claims he told her last night. MM stated that he is moving out on Tuesday as MM wants him to stay over the Labor Day weekend - for their grown kids' sake.

Wow--big announcement! You and I are in a similar place now. Watching if they do what they say they are going to.

 

Scratching my head a little though. How can he move out on Tuesday? Do they have a 2nd home or something? Did he mean "look for a place" on Tuesday? [LOL, please assure me that he isn't assuming he can move in with you!]

 

BTW, it matters not that the W asked him to wait until after the holiday. They probably have a barbeque or something planned, and that would be mean on his part to not attend, imho. Some peeps here will make a real damned if they do, damned if they don't type judgement call where no action is considered fast enough. Just saying.

[jj33]

Spinning you are in the middle of Mr Toads wild ride as someone else said. He has a lot to process his wife has a lot to process its a long marriage kids maybe grandchildren. The W is asking him to stay for the weekend. If he is actually leaving on Tuesday one would think that this might be a good weekend to sit down with the children and say I am moving out.

 

Maybe not But it could take some time for MM to get his sea legs so to speak. He may stay the weekend start looking for a place on Tuesday and spend several weeks at home before he actually leaves. I think the question is what are you going to do?

 

It sound like he feels very strongly that he is leaving "for you". How do you feel about that? Are you prepared for the ups and downs that will inevitably take place over the next few months between him and his wife? I remember when MM spoke to me once about leaving and said he imagined if he did, he wouldnt be himself, he would be constantly looking over his shoulder wondering if he did the right thing in terms of his family, that he would be broken and torn for some time and that it would be a lot of drama (he hates drama). Of course he didnt do it. But their situatoins are similar. 30 some years is a long long time. Even if you have been unhappy during a large portion of it.

 

I dont want to rain on your parade in any way. But it sounds like the beginning of a big process and Id hate to see you tossing in the waves every step of the way. If you are going to be there with him, which seems to be what you are saying, then it seems like you need to be positive and strong and supportive even when he goes through ups and downs and doubts which are normal even if he wants the divorce. She was his wife she is the mother of his children they built a family and a life together. Even if he is going to be 300% happier when he moves forward, even if he doesnt want to continue the marriage there is a lot that he is putting behind him.

 

GEL and others who have been through it would have more accurate advice but thats how it seems from the outside.

[Spinning Head]

MM has an apartment, although it is unfurnished. He can stay in a hotel for a day or two, if nothing else, until furniture arrives. MM told me he has already picked out furniture - he just has not purchased it.

 

MM and W have a house at the beach. I assume they are going there for the Labor Day weekend and their sons (ages 24, 21) will be there for the Labor Day weekend. To me, it merely gives him additional time to rethink his decision and slide backwards.

 

I addressed the highs/lows of separation and divorce with MM several times. MM has told his sons that he is unhappy in his M and wants to separate. MM told his best friend that he had met someone he loved and that he would probably separate from his W. His friend supports him.

 

But, even with all of those facts, MM has made many statements before that he would end his M and did not do so. So, although he claims he told his W that he is leaving, it still remains to be seen if he will follow through.

[whichwayisup]

MM told me he has already picked out furniture - he just has not purchased it.

 

Visually picking out furniture means nothing. He has not bought it yet.

 

Sorry, but I think he's giving you alot of false hope - I seriously doubt come Tuesday he is going to move out and be with you. His kids don't know, his wife is going to be in shock and he thinks he'll just happily move out on Tuesday like it's no big deal?? WTF.

 

He "claims" he told her that he's leaving.. And that he is ending his marriage...

 

Guess time will tell if he will put that into actions.

[Rorocher]

Frankly, at this point, even if he does seperate, I wouldn't want him anymore but that's just me. There is a chance that you will eventually build resentment even if you two end up getting together.

 

All the hemming and hawwing and run around he's given you and is still giving you will eventually take a toll on this so called love you have for him.

 

Who wants to be with someone they have to nag to be with them?

[wildsoul]

Visually picking out furniture means nothing. He has not bought it yet.

C'mon now! He just told his W last night! That's what I'm saying about it will never be fast enough for some people. (Love you WWII, but just had to speak up.)

 

Agreed about the time will tell part. But there is no point in making up imaginary deadlines to critically measure how he isn't doing things "correctly." Better to stay detached, and just see what happens. It doesn't seem like you're hanging on every move anyways. Stay centered. You're doing a good job of being calm.

[whichwayisup]

He just told his W last night!

 

How do you know for sure he told her? I'm not meaning to make you doubt him even more - It's just that he is reporting every little bit of progress to you, giving you tons of hope.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He's not going anywhere. I'm sure his past OW have been in this exact same boat, with the same end result.

 

If by some chance he does leave, I would bet a very large amount of money he'd be back in the marital home in under six months.

[quankanne]

MM and W have a house at the beach. I assume they are going there for the Labor Day weekend and their sons (ages 24, 21) will be there for the Labor Day weekend. To me, it merely gives him additional time to rethink his decision and slide backwards.

 

no, dear, it buys him additional time to lead YOU on. Because his decision was made a long, long time ago, and it wasn't you. It was his marriage, as screwed up as it is. Because if 32 years is "too long and sacred a time to just walk away from," why isn't it the same when it comes to doing his best to stop screwing around?

 

nope, he's playing you. My guess is that his wife has no idea he's fooling around with you still, and that he's convinced her that it's (1) over because it was a short-term thing or (2) she's imagining things.

 

he's fighting hard to keep the marriage "intact" because he's a cake-eater.

[GreenEyedLady]

MM has an apartment, although it is unfurnished. He can stay in a hotel for a day or two, if nothing else, until furniture arrives. MM told me he has already picked out furniture - he just has not purchased it.

 

MM and W have a house at the beach. I assume they are going there for the Labor Day weekend and their sons (ages 24, 21) will be there for the Labor Day weekend. To me, it merely gives him additional time to rethink his decision and slide backwards.

 

I addressed the highs/lows of separation and divorce with MM several times. MM has told his sons that he is unhappy in his M and wants to separate. MM told his best friend that he had met someone he loved and that he would probably separate from his W. His friend supports him.

 

But, even with all of those facts, MM has made many statements before that he would end his M and did not do so. So, although he claims he told his W that he is leaving, it still remains to be seen if he will follow through.

 

It's highly doubtful in actual reality that he will leave by Tuesday. There is so much crap to do in getting a divorce. It takes more than a couple days just to get things moving in that direction.

 

But there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be ok on him going on vacation one last time with the W. And I would end our R based on that alone. Because for the most part, when they go on vacation, it means they're still invested in the R and they are no way close to ending it. And I don't want to be with someone who puts someone else's feelings before mine. I know, I'm selfish, but those are my expectations and they've served me well.

 

Will he leave? Only he knows what he's thinking. But it shouldn't be whether or not he leaves. It should be he's the one for me, it should be about the R and it should be about meeting both of your needs. If any one of those things are a ? then it's not a healthy R. And it is doomed to fail, eventually.

 

Stand back and look at the reality. Are you what he needs and wants? Have you spent time in the daily roles of life? Does he treat you in a way that makes you feel special, loved and one of a kind? And I don't mean sexually. If a man makes you feel special and loved, it is by putting you FIRST in anything. I think alot of women in general mistake passion and attention for feeling special. A man is not ready to be your partner until he has made YOU his priority and you don't doubt it. You see by his actions.

 

You are the one who sees what he does. Is it action to you? Let that be your guide.

 

Also, does he see you as stable? Or does he see you as needing to be saved? Does he see you as at least a lateral step over or does he see you as being a step down? (Sorry, I know it sounds horrible, but does anyone want their life to be what they perceive as worse).

 

These are just some questions to be asking yourself. But if he is one of those men that really cares what others think and feels that he will lose money he's not going to be ready. It's not a long enough time. And there's the possibility that he does love his W and just wants you for the ego stroke.

 

What I have learned is that they don't usually leave for 2+ years and that they won't leave until they know that the OW is done and ready to move on. And they move finally when they feel that they will lose you forever. Not always true, but I'd say for the majority.

 

Do you love him? Are you willing to go through the process? It may end up that it doesn't work out. Is he worth the risk?

 

Think about all this. You need to find out how you feel about all of it.

 

GEL

[GPFan]

MM has had affairs in the past of which his W does not know.

He is, by definition, a serial cheater. 30-years of being married and cheating means he is very good at what he does. I doubt he came completely clean to you about the number of affairs he has had.

 

You probably didn't stand a chance against his well practised manner and demeanor.

 

 

 

 

He's not going anywhere. I'm sure his past OW have been in this exact same boat, with the same end result.

 

If by some chance he does leave, I would bet a very large amount of money he'd be back in the marital home in under six months.

This is a voice of wisdom and experience.

[jj33]

Great post GEL.

[whichwayisup]

That was a great reply by GEL.

 

This MM of yours IS a serial cheater. He has cheated all throughout his marriage and never really suffered any consquences. It's become a habit - Reguardless if he loves you or not, same goes with his wife - HE cheats. That's how he handles things. Instead of fixing the problem, he goes elsewhere because it's easier on HIM.

 

Please keep in mind - Obviously this guy loved his wife, he married her, had children with her. They've been together for 32 years..A ring, the vows, having kids wasn't enough to keep him from straying elsewhere. IF he does leave his wife, divorces her, part of the deal he must do when he comes looking for you again is, he gets counseling to fix himself and change his habits.

[Spinning Head]

All points made are very valid points. I told MM earlier this week that he was not making me a priority which hurt me and was a problem for me. On the same day that I said that to him, he did meet me to talk about matters. I guess I could read something into that act but I am trying not to.

 

I honestly don't know what to read into the fact he is waiting to leave after the holiday weekend. My H and I did not separate until after my son's birthday. H had a place rented and was slowly moving things into his house. But, we had a large party for my son and I did not want my son's birthday ruined, or overshadowed, by the fact that his parents were separating.

 

GEL's comment about does he see me as needing to be saved? That's an interesting question as MM makes statements that he wants me to need him. I don't need MM financially. I do love talking to MM and we talk for hours at times. I do consider MM my best friend at this point, albeit a secret friend.

 

I know a great deal about MM's past. Do I think I know everything? No. But, I know more than his W knows about his past acts. MM claims that for some reason, I pull out the truth from him. I have done all kinds of searches on him as he gave me his social security number. I told him about the searches I did on him.

 

The more I think about the situation, the more I read these posts and the closer Tuesday arrives, I really doubt he leaves his M. MM claims he loves me very much, that I am different from other OWs, that he can't imagine a life without me in it, etc. I responded that I don't think that is enough for him. MM seems to be so scared of making a change in his life - which is difficult for me to comprehend as I've made significant changes in my life in the past two years and I've not regretted any of the changes. I pointed that fact out to him.

 

Anyway, I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I will receive a telephone call from him on Tuesday that he cannot leave his M. If he tells me otherwise, I'll be very very surprised. Based on the posts and other threads, the chances of MM leaving his M is practically nil.

[whichwayisup]

I know a great deal about MM's past. Do I think I know everything? No. But, I know more than his W knows about his past acts. MM claims that for some reason, I pull out the truth from him.

 

Please tell me you don't believe this. So, he's shared his whole past with you, every single detail, yet he hasn't done that with his wife of 32 years? You know more than her about his past????

[Owl]

MM claims he loves me very much, that I am different from other OWs...

 

Think about this for a moment, SH.

 

He HAS to tell you this.

 

If you thought, for one second...that he felt you were "just like all the other OW"...you'd leave so fast there'd be a hole in the air where you were standing. You'd turn around and RUN in the other direction.

 

He knows this.

 

So he HAS to tell you that what's going on with you is SPECIAL, its DIFFERENT...if he said anything different, then the affair would be over and he'd be back on the hunt for the NEXT Miss Special.

 

Make sense to you?

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL's comment about does he see me as needing to be saved? That's an interesting question as MM makes statements that he wants me to need him. I don't need MM financially. I do love talking to MM and we talk for hours at times.

 

Anyway, I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I will receive a telephone call from him on Tuesday that he cannot leave his M. If he tells me otherwise, I'll be very very surprised. Based on the posts and other threads, the chances of MM leaving his M is practically nil.

 

It is not until he makes you a priority that he will leave. You will feel it, you will see it when the change happens.

 

And why in the world let him make the choice? YOU make the choice for him. For YOURSELF.

 

No matter how much you talk, no matter how much he tells you, he is only letting you know what he wants you to know.

 

Don't be passive, be assertive. Take control of your life here. Make a decision that you can be proud of.

 

If you are meant to be, it will happen.

 

GEL

[BettyBoop]

All I can see is that you are making the same mistake all OW make, including my family... you think that just because he cheats on his W with you, and because he tells you so, you're special and an exception.

 

If he cheats with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? I've seen it happen so many times it's becoming ridiculous.

 

Isn't it even worse he tells YOU of his other OW but his W remains in the dark? What does that tell you about his character, his belief in his vows and his commitment to a relationship?

[Agent_99]

What I have learned is that they don't usually leave for 2+ years and that they won't leave until they know that the OW is done and ready to move on. And they move finally when they feel that they will lose you forever. Not always true, but I'd say for the majority.

 

GEL~ This caught my eye because from what I've always seen if they don't leave within the first couple months then they may never leave. Am I misreading thing wrong?

 

~99

[jj33]

99 I read that many places too. I think it depends on the type of affair it is. Sometimes people have affairs when they know the marriage is over and are just on their way out. Then it would make sense they would leave more quickly.

 

Logically those who are not already thinking of packing their bags when the affair starts would not move as quickly and many feel why move at all if youve got it all without totally disrupting your life and your finances. The stories here would tend to support the idea that most MM dont make take serious action until they believe they have are really losing the OW.

[Agent_99]

jj~ That makes some sense I guess. So does that mean the the 'average' shelf life of an affair is two years?

[jj33]

LOL I dont know. There are people who have affairs for years (look at the Charles Kerault story) and others who let it go after 2 months. I would assume there are as many variations as there are people. GEL seems to have more statistics on that front.

[wildsoul]

jj~ That makes some sense I guess. So does that mean the the 'average' shelf life of an affair is two years?

I really doubt the average is more than 6-months.

 

Having recently come through a divorce, I will add that mine took a couple years:

1 year of trying to fix the M (more really, but the D word was on the table.)

1 year of official separation (definite plans for D.)

 

Almost exactly 2 years. Our D will be final next month. For me though, I didn't start dating until after the official separation, after we decided there would definitely be a divorce. So in theory, had I met someone at that time, they'd have to have tolerated dating a separated woman for a year.

 

I don't think it's the amount of time that tells you whether someone is going to get divorced or not. It's more about their internal decision. For example, when I was officially separated, there was no going back. Meeting someone before they've really decided though is where the risk is, especially if you provide enough extra happiness that they can tolerate the pain of their marriage.

 

It remains to be seen with my guy. He's been thinking about divorcing for well over a year. Then in November, he decided that maybe having an affair would be the way to go. Sure, he told me he was going to leave his marriage in order to get me to date him, but if I'd have tolerated the A for longer then he'd have been fine. I had to really leave him, and he had to be really miserable for 3 weeks before he got serious about moving out. I want his D to go quickly, but let's be realistic, it's going to take up to a year. I won't wait any longer than 1 year (not telling him that deadline, btw.) But like I said, my own rather easy D took 1 year after separation. It doesn't necessarily mean someone is waffling if it's not instant. Risky though. Risky.

[hooghie]

Even if he is madly and I mean madly in love with you- he will not leave his marriage of 32 yrs. He sounds like he has a bunch of property which means $$. If for no other reason, he will NOT LEAVE HIS WIFE OF 32 YEARS because of the $$ he'd have to give her/division of property. A D for him will means YEARS of battle- most men don't have it in them to stick with it.

 

Also, if he can live with this woman for 32 years- she can't be all that unbearable...not as unbarable as losing a ton of money and assets! Given his history, he will just find anothe OW if you don't stay on.

 

Take a look deep inside and decide if you can live with the situation and him staying married. If not, get out asap.