Dishonesty in a relationship

[avaviolet]

Sorry this is a long post!

 

Background Information: We are living together and are currently engaged. He used to feel that I was asking for too much information and etc. I had fixed this issue and he worked with me because this is my FIRST SERIOUS relationship.

 

Issue: I recently found out that he received text messages from a girl that has always had a thing for him. Their relationship is complicated because she is like a "sister" to him because it was his best friend's step sister.

 

She text messaged him while I was at home visiting my family. He never told me about this. It happened 2 months ago. I found out about it because the bill for our cellphones was in the basket where we both keep our bills. I recognized her number. I brought it up to him asking if he had heard from her recently and he said no. He denied it and admitted it when I showed him the bill.

 

He said that she texted him the night before my family renuion and he wanted to know how she was doing AND more importantly how her brother was, he hadn’t talked to him in awhile because they lost touch. They texted back in forth nothing of "importance.” He kept trying to call her because he wanted to talk instead of text so he could ask how her brother was, she never answered. They texted back and forth two nights before I came home. There were only about 7 messages from him and 6 from her. He tried calling her that night that she texted him, the next day, and that evening. The number never shows up again on the bill.

 

He came to see me for the family reunion the night after she texted him. He says he didn't tell me about this because he didn't want to ruin the family reunion. I completely understand this, I then asked him why he didn't tell me when I got home. He said because he wanted to make sure I adjusted from my family and thought it was too late and was afraid I would be upset. He even said he "forgot" because it was such an unimportant issue.

 

Is this something to be upset over? The girl is obbsessed with him. Is there something more to this issue?

[Booker43]

I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. His explanation seems consistent and his reasons are valid. I've had ex girlfriends text me before about nothing serious at all and I forget about it 5 minutes later.

[norajane]

I'd be concerned why he lied to you about it when you flat out asked him after finding the phone bill. I suppose he didn't want to upset you, but more because he didn't want you to deal with your reaction rather than to avoid hurting you.

 

You need to be clear with him that telling lies will always be worse than telling the truth, even if he thinks you'll be upset by what he has to tell you. Otherwise, he will continue to lie for self-preservation, much like a kid who lies to mom about stealing cookies from the cookie jar. You are his gf, his partner, not his mother.

[Walk]

I agree with Norajane.

 

Another thing you might want to consider is to let your fiance know that although you aren't thrilled that the girl contacts him, that you won't get upset about it as long as he lets you know when she does. Explain that the act of him being upfront and honest about it will help alleviate the negative emotions you might have about the contact. You have to be able to not get upset about it though. (assuming he isn't flirting with her, and there aren't some big red flags pointing at more going on)

 

If you're clear with him that he needs to be honest with you, then you need to offer him something in return for that honesty. Otherwise all you'd be saying is "Be honest with me, but I still get to be pissed at you". Kind of a no win situation for him if you did that. So make sure you aren't just asking without giving a little in return.

[Grrlish]

I agree with Norajane.

 

Another thing you might want to consider is to let your fiance know that although you aren't thrilled that the girl contacts him, that you won't get upset about it as long as he lets you know when she does. Explain that the act of him being upfront and honest about it will help alleviate the negative emotions you might have about the contact. You have to be able to not get upset about it though. (assuming he isn't flirting with her, and there aren't some big red flags pointing at more going on)

 

If you're clear with him that he needs to be honest with you, then you need to offer him something in return for that honesty. Otherwise all you'd be saying is "Be honest with me, but I still get to be pissed at you". Kind of a no win situation for him if you did that. So make sure you aren't just asking without giving a little in return.

 

Offer him something in return for doing what he should be doing anyway?

 

I disagree.

 

The 'deal' is that you let it go in exchange for him being honest with you. Don't allow him to 'get away' with this a second time.

 

The thing about being a liar is that they will do anything they want because in their mind, all they have to do is lie about it and it's 'not true'.

 

I just went through this with my boyfriend. I gave him a second chance, and he blew it. I'm leaving him as soon as the apt I found comes open.

 

Sorry, Avaviolet, I'm a little PO'ed right now.

[verve]

Have there been any other occasions where he has lied to you or kept things from you? If this is a one off sort of inciddent then I would believe him. If not, be cautious and look into it.

 

But the way I percieve it, I don't think there is anything to worry about.

[cinderAndSmoke]

To me it doesn't seem like a huge deal. Honesty is often the best policy, but there are also times where lies hold together society. People lie all the time to avoid hurt feelings.. (think your-mother-in-law's-cooking type of thing). In this case he should have just told you the truth when you asked, but don't make the problem bigger than it really is.

 

You need to spend some time thinking about why this bothers you so much. Are you insecure about something specific? Then you need to sit (or lay) him down and look him in the eyes, tell him not to interrupt, and then tell him how you feel. If he knows you are sensitive about specific things and he loves you then he should help you with them.

[hotcrossbuns]

You have a right to feel upset about the dishonesty here. If he had been honest about this from the beginning, it wouldn't have caused such a snag.

 

On the other hand I can see why he might have kept this from you. He knew it would bother you and probably didn't want to upset you over nothing.

 

Either way, it sounds like he needs to set some clear boundaries with this girl. I don't understand the complexity of their relationship. You said that he has lost touch with his best friend. So why is he still in touch with her and not him?

 

I wouldn't turn this into something bigger than it is, but I would be weary of other warning signs. I also don't think it's too much to ask that he pull away from her a little bit...especially if she has a thing for him.