When a friend is about to cross a line...

[Star Gazer]

I have some pretty awesome girlfriends, but one of them is starting to concern me.

 

See, I have one group of girlfriends from a particularly organization, and 4 of us within that organization are pretty close. We get together weekly - if not more often - to cocktail and dish about what's going on in our lives and those of others, a light-hearted gossip session, not too much different from the brunches on SATC.

 

Anyway, usually we talk about our careers, or who we're dating, or our vacations, or (yes!) sex, or what's up with so-and-so. One particular girl - I'll call her Jeanie - has had some rough spots with her BF recently. As such, she's uncertain if he's "the one." They've been together 2 years; she's 28. The conversations she has been starting lately have been bothering me.

 

As a side note, Jeanie's known within our organization for being a HUGE flirt, irrespective of the fact that she has a BF, and the person she's flirting with may have a GF/wife. I've actually been warned to keep guys I like away from her. I never did, and still don't, worry about that sort of thing. She just enjoys flirting. However, sometimes she takes it too far. One guy who has liked her for a LONG time - so obvious, it's sad - she has actually admitted to enjoying leading him on because the attention is "fun."

 

So last week, she brings up this guy that she used to have amazing sex with in college, and how they recently got back in touch went to dinner the night before: a 3 hour dinner, wherein they both got drunk and spent the evening flirting, at a fancy place, and he paid. He also suggested that "next time" they go to XTZ places, all nice places, all on his dime. The next day, she spent 80% of her workday text-flirting with him.

 

I told her flat out, "That was a date. You're treading on dangerous ground there, sister!"

 

She insists it wasn't a date and that it's okay because her BF knew she was having dinner with an old friend. What her BF doesn't know is that she used to have wild passionate sex with this guy, that they got drunk during dinner, that she text-flirted with him all day the next day, made plans to see him again, and believes her relationship with her BF is shaky.

 

I consider this almost-cheating, and really cannot condone it.

 

Thing is, this girl is a GREAT FRIEND to me and others. Truly. Supportive, empathetic, fun. I just don't like this behavior, and when I gently tease her about it, she responds in a way that suggests she's hurt that I won't go along with what she perceives to be innocent fun. If she wants to do it, fine. But I don't want to hear about it.

 

What would you do?

[alphamale]

What would you do?

nothing....because one day she'll get what's coming to her.

[Star Gazer]

I don't want her to get hurt or anything like that.

 

I want to know how to handle our friendship. Do I lecture her on what she's doing? Pretend like I don't know?

[alphamale]

I want to know how to handle our friendship. Do I lecture her on what she's doing? Pretend like I don't know?

if you cannot deal or approve with her actions and behaviours then stop being friends. its simple as that.

 

you're not going to be able to control what she does and what she doesn't do

[Trialbyfire]

This is all about boundaries and decision forks.

 

Your choice is to tell her you don't approve and you don't want to hear about this type of activity.

 

Her choices are, to keep to your boundaries, push your boundaries or to walk away.

 

If she pushes your boundaries, it's your choice to retain her friendship or not.

 

Beyond that, it's her life and your life.

[kchiapet95]

I had a situation with a former friend a short time ago where she was engaging in some activity I didn't like. I told her I didn't want to hear about it, but I still cared about her as a friend and supported her and would talk about other things.

 

She didn't like it and she told me I was being a bad friend and I chose to step away from the drama.

 

You can do the same. You can be friends without approving every little action. If she doesn't accept that, how good of a friend is she, really?

[You'reasian]

As such, she's uncertain if he's "the one." They've been together 2 years; she's 28. The conversations she has been starting lately have been bothering me.

 

As a side note, Jeanie's known within our organization for being a HUGE flirt, irrespective of the fact that she has a BF, and the person she's flirting with may have a GF/wife.

 

I'm sure the BF has picked up on this behavior

 

I've actually been warned to keep guys I like away from her. I never did, and still don't, worry about that sort of thing. She just enjoys flirting. However, sometimes she takes it too far. One guy who has liked her for a LONG time - so obvious, it's sad - she has actually admitted to enjoying leading him on because the attention is "fun.".

 

Does she tell the bartender while on a date that she likes "STIFF, HARD" drinks then licks her lips...that's a sign for any potential beau right there...good and yet ominous....

 

So last week, she brings up this guy that she used to have amazing sex with in college, and how they recently got back in touch went to dinner the night before: a 3 hour dinner, wherein they both got drunk and spent the evening flirting, at a fancy place, and he paid. He also suggested that "next time" they go to XTZ places, all nice places, all on his dime. The next day, she spent 80% of her workday text-flirting with him.

 

I told her flat out, "That was a date. You're treading on dangerous ground there, sister!"

 

She insists it wasn't a date and that it's okay because her BF knew she was having dinner with an old friend. What her BF doesn't know is that she used to have wild passionate sex with this guy, that they got drunk during dinner, that she text-flirted with him all day the next day, made plans to see him again, and believes her relationship with her BF is shaky.

 

I consider this almost-cheating, and really cannot condone it.

 

Thing is, this girl is a GREAT FRIEND to me and others. Truly. Supportive, empathetic, fun. I just don't like this behavior, and when I gently tease her about it, she responds in a way that suggests she's hurt that I won't go along with what she perceives to be innocent fun. If she wants to do it, fine. But I don't want to hear about it.

 

What would you do?

 

I would probably distance myself from said friend - knowing that they are a great friend would keep them in my life, but I would minimize contact or atleast try to confront the issue.

[melodymatters]

If this is a "true friend", I would be 100% honest because I believe real friendship is telling the hard truths, instead of just saying " your so pretty, your bf is so lucky, blah, blah".

 

THEN, I would say, " Hey dude, I love you, but it's your life, you need to do what you need to do, but I need to be honest with you about how I feel about your recent actions"

 

Then I would sit back and shut my mouth, and be supportive if she needed me.

 

Just one more persons opinion.

[Jilly Bean]

And this is exactly why I have few gf's where I live. lol

 

I won't have friends in my world who have toxic lives and live for the drama they create. It's exhausting and unhealthy. It's one thing when crappy things happen, but it's quite another when they are the ones responsible for the sh*t storm.

 

Personally, I'd cut her out of my life. I just don't have the tolerance for women who live their lives by making harmful choices that cause pain to those around them.

[kchiapet95]

Personally, I'd cut her out of my life. I just don't have the tolerance for women who live their lives by making harmful choices that cause pain to those around them.

 

Well, said Jilly Bean. Everyone makes a mistake every once in a while, we all have to suffer the consequences of our actions. But when you perpetually create drama...that's stressful for everyone involved. It gets tiresome. Don't feel badly about having to step back.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, said Jilly Bean. Everyone makes a mistake every once in a while, we all have to suffer the consequences of our actions. But when you perpetually create drama...that's stressful for everyone involved. It gets tiresome. Don't feel badly about having to step back.

 

That's my thing with any friend, really. Sure, crap happens to ALL of us - bad relationships, work problems, etc. BUT, if they are a drama queen who is actively SEEKING to inflict drama and pain, then that's way too toxic for me, and I reject that kind of energy and person.

[Prodigal Princess]

I had a situation with a former friend a short time ago where she was engaging in some activity I didn't like. I told her I didn't want to hear about it, but I still cared about her as a friend and supported her and would talk about other things.

 

She didn't like it and she told me I was being a bad friend and I chose to step away from the drama.

 

You can do the same. You can be friends without approving every little action. If she doesn't accept that, how good of a friend is she, really?

 

Wow, this is a great post.

 

Lecturing your friend on her behaviour is not going to make her change. Personally, I couldn't care less what bad things my friends got up to. I had one friend who was a klepto and I just found her "stealing stories" entertaining. More similiar to your situation is that one of my friends is embarking on an affair outside her marriage. I am just trying to be as supportive of her as possible. I am not party to the situation and I choose not to judge.

 

Given that your mate is a great friend in every other way, I don't think this is worth dumping her over. It would also cause problems within the group. (One of my friends is currently not speaking to another girl in our group and the issues with organising events etc is unbelievable. Eventually the whole group is getting dragged into the rift and splitting off into factions.)

 

Anyway, if you really cant stand hearing her talk about this, the first thing I'd do is try in a non-confrontational way to let her know that you dont want to hear about her activities with this guy. After that, just dont participate in any conversation where she brings it up. It's easy enough to make an obvious change in topics and she should get the message pretty soon that you're not supportive of her behaviour.

[kchiapet95]

Thanks, Prodigal Princess!

 

I would hope the OP's friend respects her stance, there won't be any problems in that instance. If that happens, everything will be fine. Please let us know how it turns out!

[kchiapet95]