From another angle

[confusedag]

He is such a good man. The guilt is tearing me apart. I can't help but to continue to pretend. He has been there for me through some really, and I mean REALLY, bad times. I feel just horrible that now I'm feeling better that I can't be the wife he deserves, just as he's been the husband that I needed. I keep telling myself that I should give him at least another year and be such a good wife to show my appreciation. But I know that will just cause more pain if I decide to leave him after the year is up. I'm not going to do anything rash. It's just not in me. I can't mistreat him after he's been so good to me. I'm just battling with the realization that I don't love him like I should after being together so long. I'm not sure that lying about it is such a wonderful thing either.

I feel like that in a loving relationship (from both sides) one feels both a mental and physical connection. I know that no one is perfect but I feel like I am always finding things to be angry with him about. I don't like him kissing me and am glad when the sex doesn't last as long. When it comes to going out and having fun, I really prefer to do that separately. I've convinced him to go hang out with his guy friends at least every other weekend. I've even told him to take his ring off and flirt with girls at the bars. He just thinks I'm being a really wonderful wife. He tells his friends that we're secure enough in our relationship for him to be able to do that.

 

My emotions are starting to manifest outside of my mind. I've managed to make excuses for my "episodes" but am running out of them. I'm seriously considering going to a therapist. It's just really hard to find a good one.

 

I feel like you entered my brain and wrote down everything it was thinking. I have been married for 2.5 years to my high school sweetheart. He is a wonderful man but i am not in love with him. I married him because I thought nobody else would want me (I also suffered from some mental distress, more so self-esteem issues) and felt like everyone expected me to marry him because we had been together for 6 years. We graduated college and it was just the next logical step. I am always trying to do the "logical" thing. I realized after getting married that I had changed, grown up, but he never did. I realized I was not in love with him anymore. I am not sure how long it had been, but I know it has been several years. I love him, but more like a sister loves a brother.

 

I've told him the same thing about hanging out with his friends and hitting on other women. I've even tried to talk him into randomly making out with girls. There are no other men in my life. I, like you, have found other men attractive and have fantasized, but no relationships. I dread having sex with him.

 

About 4 months ago I finally told him how I felt. I told him that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. I told him I care about him, and don't want to hurt him, but I don't know that I want to be married to him. He cried, made me feel like an awful person. He went on about how much he has done for me, how could I do this to him, I promised him we were forever. I told him I wanted to go to independent MC. My counselor has been great. She told me we need to work on communication. I have been trying but it is hard because he very rarely listens. Something she did tell me though, was that in all the years she has been doing this, she has helped many marriages get out of their slumps but has found that you can't make a person love someone.

 

I, like you, have no idea what to do. I have 0 physical attraction to him. I am comfortable, yes, and I am afraid of being alone the rest of my life. But I am severely unhappy. We very rarely do anything together. We have nothing in common. I fear we have no hope, but want to believe maybe I could rekindle the love feeling. Is this possible though? Will people look down on a 24 year old divorcee? Keep me posted.

[TrustInYourself]

What does he need to do for you to begin working on it? He doesnt listen now. Would that be a first step? There are probably multiple things that he has done in the past that made you fall in love with him.

 

What are you looking for? Have you communicated that to him?

[confusedag]

What does he need to do for you to begin working on it? He doesnt listen now. Would that be a first step? There are probably multiple things that he has done in the past that made you fall in love with him.

 

What are you looking for? Have you communicated that to him?

 

 

I have communicated my feelings with him. He at first made a little attempt to change some things, but that has already dissipated.

 

I want him to take better care of himself. He used to work out, wash his face, wear cute clothes. Now it's like he doesn't even care. I still work my butt off to look nice for him and so I feel good about myself. I want him to help out around the house. I pay all the bills, do yardwork, laundry, cleaning, car and home maintenance. I want him to be more outgoing, not sit around the house watching games, playing video games, or sleeping. I want him to stop complaining about work and actually take the classes he is supposed to so he can work his way up in the company (why he complains). I want him to grow up a little bit and stop talking to me in baby talk. I want him to want to do things with me and not make me feel guilty. (i.e. be social with friends) I want him to make me feel beautiful, not just tell me I am pretty. Although potentially crude, I want him to work at giving me an orgasm....something I've never had the 8 years we have been together. (I would imagine this could make me more sexually attracted to him, which I am not AT ALL anymore) I want him to be more romantic or spontaneous. I have recieved flowers only 5 times inall the time we have been together. He has never picked a gift out for me on his own, he just tells me to go and get myself what I want. (I make it a point to have romantic dinners planned for him, special trips, and well thought out gifts) I want to feel like a wife and not a mother. I want him to take notice of little things about me. I know his likes and dislikes. He can't even remember something as simple as the fact that I like mustard on my sandwich or that I detest Pepsi products (small I know, but it begins to build up when you make it a point to cook the things he likes the way he likes it because you know that about him and he can't even go to Subway and remember what I get every time we go. Instead he says, ew, why are you getting that) I want him to stop promising me he is going to do things, and then have not even taken the steps toward doing them. He wanted to start riding bikes So I bought him a 400 dollar bike. he has ridden it 3 times. I want him to stick up for me when his mother is rude or hateful toward me. I want him to pick up after himself. Stop leaving his clothes and plates all over the house.

He is a kind person and does do nice things for me sometimes. He put some tuna salad I made on some bread for me for dinner with some cottage cheese and milk and brought it to me because I wasn't feeling well and was in bed. It is things like that which make me think, well maybe I could love him again.........but does a relationship work when you MIGHT love a person because he is a very nice man who can do thoughtful things for you every once in a while. He was the boy I said I would marry since I was ten...Sometimes I fear I put him on a pedastal and when we started dating I had gotten my trophy. There were red flags before we got married, but he told me that nobody would ever love me the way he did and I was afraid it was true. But I do care about him. I do know that I wouldn't care about his feelings if I did not care about him. More than anything I don't want to hurt him.....I don't like hurting anyone.....but am I hurting myself being in a miserable marriage? CAN a man change all of the things I listed? Am I asking too much of him? Are my expectations unrealistic.....Am I setting my standards too high? Is it crazy to get a divorce if the man isn't mean or abusive? Should I just suck it up and just learn to deal with it all?

[LostHusband]

This hurts to read because your husband sounds like the complete opposite of me. I did so much for my wife, I did all the things you mention that he does not do, bought her flowers, bought her the things she liked, kept the house tidy, always fixed dinner for her, gave her great sex/orgasms, told her how beautiful she was, never thought about other women, tried to do things with her she liked, let her have her social life - all the things a loving husband should do. Yet your husband has done none of that and you give him a fighting chance to change and save the marriage. My wife didn't even give me a fighting chance, she just slowly became unhappy for whatever reason and then said she was leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. I've given up trying to understand it all.