Resurrecting The Sister Crap

[Jilly Bean]

I'm having either a HUGE hissy fit, or a total psychotic meltdown. Or, something in between.

 

Sis's BF moved to town a few weeks ago. We have gotten together and chatted many times. He has told me such heinous things about her and how she treats him, that I wanted to bring him to a urologist to help find his balls. He told me that they probably needed the distance to break-up (again, been together for 3 years, so there is investment there), and that he was pretty sure it was over. He would tell me I don't need to worry about her moving here.

 

SIGH.

 

She came to town this weekend. Apparently she's on an upswing, because I hear it is going well (I have made myself more than scarce).

 

This is after my Mom telling me 2 weeks ago that my Dad wouldn't even talk to her on the phone, and that she has been telling Sis NOT to move out here for them.

 

Now, it's like it's the friggin second coming.

 

I am SO aggravated, because the only way for everyone to co-exist peacefully, is if she and I are separated. So, like I predicted, I lose my family when she comes to town.

 

I just can't seem to get past this rage I have towards her, and how BLIND my folks are to her manipulation. I don't have kids, so I don't get the mentality of being in denial over your kids being useless, but I imagine some of that is going on.

 

So, I am sitting her seething, and plotting moving back east if she actually makes the move out here.

 

I KNOW that is extreme and entirely childish, but I just can't seem to get beyond this and I'm not sure why.

 

Yes, I have had a lifetime of her antics, and have built up a LOT of anger and resentment towards her for the crap she has pulled in the past, and I hate the idea of her being here, as it greatly upsets our entire family dynamic. I don't want to give my folks crap over this, as they don't need it nor deserve it, but I just am really struggling on how to come to terms with this.

[redfathom]

I think you should stop talking to her BF, or what ever he is. That is just adding to the drama. Neither of you should be confiding in each other behind her back.

[Ronni_W]

Jilly Bean...Yikes!!!

I can totally empathize. There is your Adult self, being all reasonable and logical. And, like you said, the childish part that just is stamping her little feet and ripping her hair out.

 

As much as I can know you through your posts, I have a strong feeling your Adult self will prevail . But Sis sure is presenting a LOT of crap that will need to be sifted and sorted. And some of it just put in the trash, really. Which could include desires and dreams for a nice, peaceful, functional (mature!) family dynamic -- maybe that just can't be the reality because Sis is Sis...and Mom is Mom(?)

 

Because it looks like you and Dad are no longer all that interested in supporting and enabling Sis's antics. But Mom isn't willing to let that go, and Dad likely will back-up Mom. So, to me, that's the crux of the problem -- not so much Sis, but that Mom and Dad aren't asking for something better from her. (I'm guessing that you have been having your conversations with her, about this.)

 

Perhaps all you can really do for yourself is take a step back, and as much time as you need to decide how you'd really like to proceed (if she does move back -- simultaneously keeping fingers and toes crossed that she doesn't.)

 

Could you also have a chat about her reasons and goals for moving back? Perhaps those are unreasonable and unrealistic (for her), and you can dissuade her by helping her see it's not in HER best interest (if that really seems to be the case, that is)?

 

Sis is still acting out cos Mom, Dad and you let her get away with it for so long. (I had a similar, but not as severe, case of this with my Mom and brother. It was me, too, who 'helped' him develop his mindset of arrogance, entitlement, under-responsibility, self-centeredness, etc. Once I owned my part of it {and forgave myself}, I was able to release a lot of the old anger and resentment.)

 

I don't really have much to offer...other than I do get it. And I'll also keep fingers and toes crossed that nothing she does will interfere with family harmony and your inner peace.

Hugs and best of luck.

[Jilly Bean]

Aw, thanks Ronni! Sounds like you have some experience with derisive family members.

 

Actually, I have made the decision that if she moves here, then I will be moving back east. Honestly, there is no way I can live within 50 miles of her toxicity. She has been in town for 3 days, and has already caused a sh*t storm, and I haven't even seen her!

 

Everyone turns so phony around her, because everyone is afraid of setting her off and alienating her (except me - I don't care - lol). So, my folks talk crap about her behind her back, about what a loser she is, and how sad and pitiful her life is, and then act like it's the second coming when she arrives. This is partially because she has gone for YEARS with shutting them out of her life, and I think they are "thankful" that she even deals with them now, and therefore they treat her like the Messiah. Same with her bf - he goes on and on for days about how ill and abusive she is and how he can't wait to break up with her and be done, then tells me she is coming back out here in a month to babysit his dog when he goes to visit his grandson.

 

Bottom line, we will never be a "family" as long as she is around. When I have to tolerate her antics for a day at Thanksgiving once a year, I do. But to have her out here permanently? Ut uh. I won't do it.

 

My folks have ALWAYS been in denial where it comes to her. She hasn't worked in years, is about to have her home foreclosed upon, they had to give her a car last month as hers was dead YET she still has a role in their finances. I don't trust her, and it just seems timely to me that she decides to move closer to them when she is destitute AND when they are in their golden years. Previously, she would come out twice a YEAR, that's how interested she was in them. She never calls them - my Mom has to make ALL the moves, as she told them years ago that if they wanted to be involved with her, they would need to make all the efforts. So, they do... I don't want to be around to watch this implode, or listen to them complain about her when they did nothing to discourage her to NOT come.

 

Crappy solution, but I think sometimes you have to rise above twisted loyalties and obligations.

 

Thanks for letting me rant...

[Star Gazer]

I'm an only child, so I really can't relate, JB. But sounds like it sucks...

[vintagecat]

If you can't accept peacefully your sister's ongoing presence, you must distance whether in place or by actually putting real distance between you. There is no winning in warfare no matter how right you might be unfortunately.

 

Moving back east might actually kill two birds with one stone. You could be near your good friends again and take care of that pesky woman friend issue and get out of the prodigal daughter family drama.

 

Good luck to you. It's a PITA to have family members that one can't stand either their behaviors or the mere sight of or to be an observer where two beloved members go at it constantly.

[Jilly Bean]

If you can't accept peacefully your sister's ongoing presence, you must distance whether in place or by actually putting real distance between you. There is no winning in warfare no matter how right you might be unfortunately.

 

Moving back east might actually kill two birds with one stone. You could be near your good friends again and take care of that pesky woman friend issue and get out of the prodigal daughter family drama.

 

Good luck to you. It's a PITA to have family members that one can't stand either their behaviors or the mere sight of or to be an observer where two beloved members go at it constantly.

 

You've been paying attention to all my trials, Vintage! I love that! Thanks for your comments...

 

I got an IM from her BF this morning. Apparently she acted up again last night, BF has no idea why, she spent the night sleeping on the FLOOR in his spare room, and refused to talk to him. He said hes not sure what its about - if she fought with our Mom, or what - no clue, since she would just stare at him and be silent (like I said - shes CRAZY). He said he was DONE. BUT, he's said this before, so we'll see if it sticks. He said she asked for her house keys and remote back from her.

 

I really think (hope) without their relationship continuing, that she will be a LOT less inclined to come.

 

Since I have horrendous timing, I had already, in my seething state, sent off an email to Mom telling her that when she moved here, I would be going back east. That I wouldn't stick around to be in the middle of the toxic storm and watch her bleed them dry financially AND emotionally.

 

But once again - this is a perfect illustration of the sh*t storm that she creates. Just her mere presence is enough to throw EVERYONE off kilter. I am sure my folks are fighting over her and something that happened, now Mom and I have an issue from my email (which will resolve), and her STBX BF spent the night in his bedroom ripping his hair out and almost in (man) tears.

 

Star - I did not know that about you! Well, good and bad to everything - just think - if you had a sister - she could have been like MINE. Wouldn't wish that on many, and certainly not you, my cyber BFF...

[You'reasian]

Jilly Bean,

 

I think what you are doing is necessary for your mental health survival - sorry to hear about having to avoid your family to keep the peace bc of the sis - I don't have anything to offer you except a silly saying that I randomly came up with this morning....

 

Shower for one - so much fun!

Shower for two - oh what we could do!!

 

 

I know - random, but I hope it made you laugh....

 

 

 

 

ok...bye

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly Bean,

 

I think what you are doing is necessary for your mental health survival - sorry to hear about having to avoid your family to keep the peace bc of the sis - I don't have anything to offer you except a silly saying that I randomly came up with this morning....

 

Shower for one - so much fun!

Shower for two - oh what we could do!!

 

 

I know - random, but I hope it made you laugh....

 

 

ok...bye

 

 

It did make me smile, Y. Thank you for the support...

[Nevermind]

Hey JB,

 

sounds as if all your fears have come through. How annoying!

 

Moving east is a huge step, but vintagecat has it right: it could be beneficial to you in more than one way.

 

Say, are you sure that your sister is "only" depressed? Her behaviour sounds a bit bipolar to me.

 

((hug))from the distance.

 

You'll pull through, Jilly.

[spookie]

I'm trying to be sympathetic, I really am; but both in your previous thread and in this one it sounds like YOU'RE the one who's in denial about how your own actions have influenced your sister.

 

What business do you have talking to her bf about her behind her back? You may not like the woman, but at least have some respect for her privacy. That's just not cool. It sounds to me like you're waving it off and excusing it ok cause she's such a giant loser bitch, but even so, that's just not a decent way to act toward someone. If you want to be the bigger person here, you have to start acting like one.

 

And with her moving... have you considered that she might be doing this precisely because your parents are aging, and she wants to get some time in before it's too late? THey're her parents, too. She's entitled to spend time with them, whether you look down on her or not.

 

Clearly she has issues, and I agree with you that as an adult she has had plenty of time to put her childhood behind her; but it sounds to me like you were always the golden child, so she got kind of screwed in that regard, and then she never learned not to surround herself wth disloyal people who woudln't talk about her behind her back (like her bf), which I guess is a pattern carried over from the past... so she is still dealing with how to be a functional person despite those issues. Or not dealing so hot.

 

Either way, the point of family is that they love you regardless of the mess you have made of your life, which is a concept I'm not sure you understand. Sounds to me like you think it should be ok for your parents to stop loving her just cause she has fcvked up, something that's been easy for you to do. I don't think that's how it works.

 

Anyways, just my .02.