ADD Husband

[DEB]

There have been so many complications in our marriage I don't even know where to begin. We both love each other but it seems like we fight all the time. We are both bull headed and take our stance on issues all of the time. A majority of the time most of the problems that we have are due to him making bad decisions and not thinking the consequences through all the way. He drinks quite a bit and this affects us several ways-financial, socially, trust-wise, and it makes me nervous when he drives in the condition he does sometimes. He is very self centered and views his body and looks as being more important (he body builds) than saying to me that I am beautiful or sexy. He had ADD as a child, very severely and I definitely think that this has carried into his adult life. He was also adopted. He sees me as a mother, or controlling, but I know that there are certain responsibilities of running a household and raising a child that need to be met. I do not at all tell him what he can and cannot do, but when it comes to money, there is a limit. I am probably the only female in the world who could but up with as much as I've put up with him. I think he knows this. He can be very cold, non-affectionate, uncaring, and want to live the room mate lifestyle, til he needs sexual gratification. Any advice? He won't go for counseling, he doesn't believe in it.......I love him, and I've dealt with this for a long time, but it is wearing me out.

[Tony T]

You have set forth a host of reasons most women would NOT have married this guy. He sounds like the perfect poster child for dysfunction, alcoholism, selfishness, etc. Children who have ADD never lose a lot of those symptoms so this adds to the problem. The drinking makes it even worse.

 

To address the arguments briefly, you do not have to engage. It is NOT important to be right. There is no particular pay-off. I don't know what you argue about but when you see an feud coming on, take a time out and decide what good can come out of it. This guy sounds like nothing can ever be resolved except in his favor. I seldom argue with anyone myself. My life doesn't change even slightly if someone else (who is wrong) wants to go around thinking he's right. Who cares???

 

So what is it about him that you love? And didn't anybody ever explain to you that love IS NOT ENOUGH to sustain a healthy relationship? You need caring, commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, finances (when to spend, when to save, etc.), shared views about religion and spirituality or tolerance for each others views, mutual respect, etc. etc.

 

You don't have a marriage here. You have a chaotic, yukky, God awful situation and I don't know what to call it. But it's not HIS fault, it's yours. You have stayed in it and it's the life you have chosen. You can continue in it or you can move on. Unless you carefully explore the reasons why you chose such an awful situation for yourself, you are bound to attract the same kind of person again.

 

If you were attracted to men you thought you could save and change, you have now found out you were WRONG. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Being kind and loving to yourself dictates that you take the only life you will ever have on this planet and live it in peace, love, harmony and contentment.

 

Go to the bookstore and get a book on co-dependency. You will read about yourself. There are lots of books that address this problem. You can also find a lot of material right here on the Internet.

[DEB]

Tony, everything you say is true. There is a side to him that is the kind of person I want to be with. I think the hard part is that he knows that he is awful at times and is helpless at correcting it. We were separated for about 8 months and he was the one that came to me and said he wanted to try again. When he lived by himself, he was a different sort of person, and to put my finger on it, the responsibilities of a marriage and family, house, etc. are hard for him to do on a daily basis. He wanted to be 19 again and found out that one can not do that and be happy. He was very lonely and missed me and the family life. In the reading I have done about adult ADD, people like this need someone in their lives to help keep them organized. He knows he counts on me but is resentful also. His mother was very controlling, and he doesn't have a good relationship with his mom to this day. One of the other things I know is that his friends are very important to him. We have a group of his high school friends that we socialize with that have been friends with him for the last 12 years. They know that he places friendship over family and don't understand it very well either. It just seems that the socializing thing and having people around him at all times is way too important. The other thing that I noticed is that he treats his family and friends in a different way. I am not treated like his friends, I am family and so his inclination to abuse or neglect is higher for me. Yet, with our son, he is treated with the utmost love and attention. Some of this I think comes because of his being adopted- my husband, that is. I have to choose my words carefully at times with him, which I grow tired of. I work very hard and I don't want to lose everything. I also want my son to grow up with a mom and dad. It seems like my hubby will go through phases of being this way and then, being the person I fell in love with. Ok, your turn..........

You have set forth a host of reasons most women would NOT have married this guy. He sounds like the perfect poster child for dysfunction, alcoholism, selfishness, etc. Children who have ADD never lose a lot of those symptoms so this adds to the problem. The drinking makes it even worse. To address the arguments briefly, you do not have to engage. It is NOT important to be right. There is no particular pay-off. I don't know what you argue about but when you see an feud coming on, take a time out and decide what good can come out of it. This guy sounds like nothing can ever be resolved except in his favor. I seldom argue with anyone myself. My life doesn't change even slightly if someone else (who is wrong) wants to go around thinking he's right. Who cares???

 

So what is it about him that you love? And didn't anybody ever explain to you that love IS NOT ENOUGH to sustain a healthy relationship? You need caring, commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, finances (when to spend, when to save, etc.), shared views about religion and spirituality or tolerance for each others views, mutual respect, etc. etc. You don't have a marriage here. You have a chaotic, yukky, God awful situation and I don't know what to call it. But it's not HIS fault, it's yours. You have stayed in it and it's the life you have chosen. You can continue in it or you can move on. Unless you carefully explore the reasons why you chose such an awful situation for yourself, you are bound to attract the same kind of person again. If you were attracted to men you thought you could save and change, you have now found out you were WRONG. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Being kind and loving to yourself dictates that you take the only life you will ever have on this planet and live it in peace, love, harmony and contentment. Go to the bookstore and get a book on co-dependency. You will read about yourself. There are lots of books that address this problem. You can also find a lot of material right here on the Internet.

 

[Tony T]

Well, you just keep on giving more reasons not to be married to him. He needs someone to keep him organized and then he is resentful for having to depend on you. Well, that may make you feel needed but it is also codependent as hell. He treats his friends well while he is inclined to be neglectful and abusive to his family...that is sick. (I do give him points for treating his son well, that's the least we could expect) His mother was very controlling...and you wonder why he is the way he is??? The responsibilities of marriage and home are hard for him...sounds like the makings of a great husband to me!!! (Sorry for the sarcasm) You have to watch what you say, choose your words carefully around him, lest he blow up. What a blast!!!

 

You want your son to grow up with a mom and a dad. Anybody can do that. What about having your son grow up with a dad who is unselfish, kind, undemanding, noncontrolling, responsible, understanding, thoughtful, who puts family ahead of friends, and, most of all, who can give your son an example of a very healthy, nurturing family???

 

So you have given me even more reasons why this guy is a dud. I know you must feel shameful that you resent this poor guy who grew up with ADD and who has to pay the consequences of this dreadful malady forever. However, YOU did not have ADD and you are in no way obligated to keep this dude organized, be put below his friends, be subjected to his irresponsibility and moodiness and whims, etc. You don't have to be sucked into his ADD and be the second victim...and your son the third. And if you don't think your son is affected by everyithing that is going on, think again!!!

 

I don't know what you're looking for from me. I can't magically cure you of your codependency and convince you that you have one life to live and you should live it in the healthy realtionship that is your birthright. I also guarantee you that if you split, it may just shake your guy up enough to stop hanging onto the behavior that has served him so well in the past.

[Shirley]

There have been so many complications in our marriage I don't even know where to begin. We both love each other but it seems like we fight all the time. We are both bull headed and take our stance on issues all of the time. A majority of the time most of the problems that we have are due to him making bad decisions and not thinking the consequences through all the way. He drinks quite a bit and this affects us several ways-financial, socially, trust-wise, and it makes me nervous when he drives in the condition he does sometimes. He is very self centered and views his body and looks as being more important (he body builds) than saying to me that I am beautiful or sexy. He had ADD as a child, very severely and I definitely think that this has carried into his adult life. He was also adopted. He sees me as a mother, or controlling, but I know that there are certain responsibilities of running a household and raising a child that need to be met. I do not at all tell him what he can and cannot do, but when it comes to money, there is a limit. I am probably the only female in the world who could but up with as much as I've put up with him. I think he knows this. He can be very cold, non-affectionate, uncaring, and want to live the room mate lifestyle, til he needs sexual gratification. Any advice? He won't go for counseling, he doesn't believe in it.......I love him, and I've dealt with this for a long time, but it is wearing me out.

 

Hi!

 

This man is in need of counseling. And he'll never "believe" in it as long as you stay with him and let him get by with treating you the way he does. And about your son. He is learning that this is what a relationship is. You need to stop letting this man abuse you. Allowing this type of abuse, shows that you think very little of yourself. And you need to work on your own self esteem before you can even think about trying to help your husband. So tell yourself that you deserve to be loved, and work on actually believing that. And this means that you'll probably need to get away from your husband in order to work through it. Spend time with people who love you. And take your son with you. Let him actually be in a loving environment. You don't have to break all contact with your husband. But you should start with phone calls first. But as soon as he starts talking abusively, you need to hang up. Once you've had a few conversations that aren't abusive, you can agree to meet him. But it should be in a public place. And make sure you have your own transportation so that you can leave immediately when things start to get abusive. And about your son. He needs to spend time with his dad too. But you should have a family member take him to see his dad. And make sure that you don't use your son as a "go-between" with you and your husband. Don't ask him questions about daddy. Talk to him and ask him how much fun he had, and what he did that day. And you're probably wondering how you can even bring the subject of going away, up to your husband. Tell him that you love him, and that you need to get away for a while, and work on your feelings about yourself. If he throws a tantrum, then you'll just have to leave hastily.

[Tony T]

Some great thoughts on Deb's question. Excellent advice!!!

 

I would hope, however, that since he was diagnosed with ADD early on he has had counseling. Presently, there's only so much doctors can do with ADD patients and only so far improvement can go with both counseling and medication, even as the patient grows older. Some grow out of it completely, but for many certain behavior patterns linger unpredictably for life.

 

There are many great books on ADD, now called ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and lots of information on the Internet. My bet is that DEB has read a lot on the subject.

[DEB]

Yes I have read a lot on the subject. And, I understand that trust, socialization, and the ADD problems are hard for people who have the syndrome to realize the problems they have. I also know that with adopted children there are strong feelings of abandonment. I love my husband, remember for better or worse, and will not abandon him. I am not his mother (or care to be) I know he loves me, and I definitely think that he needs to go for counseling. It is the getting him to the counselor that is the tough part. I would agree to go with him, but I think that he needs to go first.

Some great thoughts on Deb's question. Excellent advice!!! I would hope, however, that since he was diagnosed with ADD early on he has had counseling. Presently, there's only so much doctors can do with ADD patients and only so far improvement can go with both counseling and medication, even as the patient grows older. Some grow out of it completely, but for many certain behavior patterns linger unpredictably for life. There are many great books on ADD, now called ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and lots of information on the Internet. My bet is that DEB has read a lot on the subject.