When I should be thinking about my bf, I am thinking about my co-worker.

[Hunter]

I currently work at an office and have done so for the past three years. Up until recently this much older man 19 years to be exact has been coming on to me, and I am very much attracted to him.

I am 35 and he is 54.

 

Altho he is married, I know that I am playing with fire. Everyday that I work closely with him there is that instant attraction. He is the most kind, caring, and affectionate man that I know. To see the loving way that he treats his family and grown children makes me so envious of him.

 

We have talked about the current relationship that I am in, and have been for the past 6 years. There is no affection, rarely emotions expressed, and I just feel that I am being neglected.

 

When I need someone to talk to, Don the co-worker is there, when he knows that something is bothering me, he asks are you ok, or want to talk. He makes the time and effort for me. When my vehicle died in the middle of the street, I called Don, because I know that if I called my boyfriend, he would say well what do you want me to do about it. My father recently had a stroke, and my bf never asked me how I was, not one word was said.

On the otherhand, I got this warm reception from Don and he hugged me when I cried, and I just felt so much better. I did not feel so alone.

 

I have talked to my bf and he says that he is just not emotional and not affectionate. He says he loves me so what more does he have to say. He was not brought up to be the way that I want him to be, the way that Don is in every way.

 

So why am I so attracted to this co-worker. I was attracted to him the first day I met him at work, and interacting with him, I learned that he was a very nice family man. He is always complimenting me on my work, and telling me how very smart I am, and that I am an asset to the office, compliments that I never ever get at home.

 

When I should be thinking about my bf, I am thinking about Don. This is not right, and the feelings that I am having for Don is absolutely ripping me apart. I feel as tho I am trapped in a non-loving relationship, yet I dont want to hurt the b/f, yet I am the one who is hurting everyday.

 

Don has confessed feelings to me too, that he cares deeply for me, and that he cares for me, he holds my hand at work when he knows I need it, he gives me a hug when he knows I need it, and that he is very happy in his current relationship, and that is fine, and that anytime that I need someone to talk to he is there, and I appreciate that. So what is wrong with me..........Why am I tearing myself apart thinking how very much that I want to be with Don. I am just causing myself grief over this.

 

I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me, I am a

caring, affectionate and a loving person, or I would be if I could show these affections to someone other than a married man, I just need that opportunity. And for those who tell me that to leave my current relationship, this I am not sure of. I have spent the last 15 years in four different very abuse (mental, physical and sexual abusive) relationships, and yes I have had all the counselling that I am up for. This current b/f is the only one who has not been abusive to me, yes he is very neglectful of my needs, but can I blame him for this. He can not be someone who he is not, I can not make him be the way that I want him to be.

 

 

Any comments are greatly accepted.

[2SidestoStories]

Sounds like Don represents an ideal that you may have been looking for previous to entering your relationship with your current boyfriend, or may be the ideal that you think you want now. Your attraction to the man you describe as many of the things you are missing in your current boyfriend makes plenty of sense.

 

However, one thing to note that you seem to have glossed over in your attraction is this: Don is MARRIED. He is HAPPY in his marriage. He cares for you as a friend, and a friend may well be what you need. Your crush on him, like I said, makes sense, but does not need to be anything more than a crush. Accept the affection without strings. Accept that this man cares about your feelings, and don't let it stress you out, lest you lose that support.

 

As to your current boyfriend, it may be time to move on. The longer you stay in an unhappy situation, the worse it will be. I know this for a fact; I'm dealing with my own right now. You said yourself that you can't make him change. The only person that can change your life is you. I encourage you to take time for YOU and figure out what is in your heart, not in your head. Step away from the situation as best as you can manage, and try to see what is truly important to you.

 

Best of luck, and I hope I helped even a bit!

[meablue]

I certainly feel for your situation. You sound like a wonderful (not to mention patient) person who has been through a lot. I don't think that you should have to settle for anything less than healthy, mutually gratifying relationship. Life is too short.

 

 

I was in a romantic situation once with an older man who was in a common-law marriage. He was thoughtful- we were great together- I really believed it every time he told me he was going to move out and leave her for good. I believed it for about a year, and then stopped lying to myself.

 

I figured, even if he did leave, did I want to be in a relationship with someone where their past fidelity was an issue? Esp. in your situation- being cheated on is abuse in and of itself, which you don't need. (And he may never cheat on you, but you wouldn't really be getting off on the right foot...)

 

I was also seeing someone when this was going on, and I made a really tough decision- which was also one of the best things I ever did for myself (and probably for the two men): I decided to go at it alone for awhile. Get to know myself. Figure out what I REALLY wanted in a realtionship. Learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. It was hard at first, but I found some new friends and started taking care of myself.

 

It made all the difference in the world. I think your situation might be even more complex than mine, b/c if things didn't work out w/ Don, you have the issue of working together.

 

I hope this is helpful in some way- and I hope that you don't think I'm a pessimist. Please let me know how things unfold and remember- you deserve to be TRULY happy.

all the best, mea

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Just because you have had all of the counseling you're up for doesn't mean you have had all the counseling you need. Receive counsel is more than just hearing or listening to advice. It's also doing it and that takes time and effort. You say your current boyfriend is not abusive, but HE IS. Neglect is a form of emotional abuse, and you are emotionally neglected, which is why you're so attracted to the older man. It's only natural that you would be, because he appears to have everything your current relationship doesn't have....everything that YOU need. You don't have to get involved with the older guy, but you should be using these feelings you have for him as an awakening in that they are making you realize that you are greatly missing something that you need. Something that you deserve to have. Why settle for a relationship where all of your important needs are not being met? If you have been in past abusive relationships before and you seem to gravatate to these sort of individuals, maybe you need to take a time out from relationships and work on yourself. Because no matter how great Mr. Older man may see, a relationship is only as good, loving and healthy as you are. And if you're not, you're not going to be successful in relationships.