too naive to decode his mixed signals. outsider's perspective needed...

[naomi.xung]

Been friends since first week of college. He was def a player at the time, all the girls threw themselves at him, and he flirted back. I vaguely suspected he was hitting on me at times (I'm very dense when it comes to boys)... but that's why we grew close! He finally saw that, unlike every other girl in his life, I wasn't after his ass. I was after his friendship.

 

Very close in college, even tho he had a long-term gf who treated him like crap. Sometimes I'd wonder whether we were dating, but again, I'm so clueless that I buried those ideas way down. (fyi: throughout college, I had a number of good guy friends who just… evaporated. I now realize that they thought we were dating, and got pissed off when I'd say something like "I'm so glad we're friends")...

 

Made plans to move for awhile. Right before I left, I was chillin at homeboy's house, when he told me he broke up with his gf "for good." We took a walk. He took my hand, and didn't let go. It took me a full hour to muster up the courage to ask him whether we'd ever been anything more than friends. Long silence. He said no and kept holding my hand.

 

Went abroad, grew really close. Came home. Over the next month as we were hanging out, it felt like we were dating... can’t explain why. I’d doubt myself, thinking, well I AM his best friend… but I hate mind games so I just told him I how I felt… It took him a week to tell me he doesn't see me "that way."

 

Clarity, please. Even a simple “girl, he’s not that into you.”

[Jilly Bean]

Hon - what part about this is not clear? You have asked him on more than one occasion if there is something more for him, and he always says no.

 

I don't see when or where he ever gave you even ONE mixed signal.

 

What would make you think there was something more when he dates other women, and when you press him if he has romantic feelings, he had said no more than once?

 

Sorry, but as you already know - he's a friend and nothing more.

[naomi.xung]

well... i guess the holding hands for an hour threw me off. apparently hand-holding can be platonic. i dunno. when i was overseas, he'd tell me that i was on his mind all the time, something very unlike him (he never shows his emotions). he also gets wicked jealous when i'm with other guys, but i can see how you'd be right here, too... it could def be just a possessive best friend thing.

 

i guess i'm seeing things the way i want them to be, not the way they actually are. score one hit for reality...

[Jilly Bean]

Well hon, even if you feel he showed you little signs here and there, when it came down to it, and you asked him if he shared your feelings, he always said no. So, I think you have to just go with that. Meaning, even if he DOES have feelings for you, for whatever reason, he's not going to act on them.

[paddington bear]

I agree, he's verbally said that he doesn't feel the same way. Now you have to decide what you want to do. Are you going to stay friends with him and keep hoping that 'one day', or no longer see him, or take a break from each other for a while or stay friends and somehow manage to forget your feelings (that's hard to do, believe me).

[naomi.xung]

thanks bean and bear. like i said, i'm really naive when it comes to these things. i guess this is one of the few times when i actually want to give my naivete the benefit of the doubt.

 

agh. elle, our closest mutual friend, recently commented on how weirdly distant my guy has been since i've been back. "i dunno. i've always thought that he liked you, but never thought it was in the cards for him." i mean, i could list all the things he's done that have given me reason to think he has feelings for me, but i thought that'd be conceited of me ("omg he like TOTALLY tried to make out and he called me 34245 times")...

 

but yeah. paddington bear. i'm increasingly un-attracted to his reticence (i mean seriously. grow a pair already) and inability to communicate. we're ridiculously close, and i personally am going to make sure that we'll still be great friends, probly even closer. i just know myself. once i finally choose to bury something, it's gone for good.