I feel like I am losing something, but I lost that long ago, and have gained so much

[losingmymind]

Hello All,

I am trying to figure out my feelings right now, I really don't even know why I feel the way I do. I feel confused, and like I am a failure. None of this makes sense to me though. 3 years ago my ex-husband whom I'd been married to for 19 years told me he didn't love me anymore, and he didn't want to be married to me. I took it quite well than cause I had been getting used to him never being there, always busy doing something, little did I know he was drinking, smoking, and trying to get in another lady's pants, which happened to be a friend of ours. This friend didn't let the situation happen, but hubby told me himself what his desires were, and how depressed he was that she declined him. He even thought about suicide because of her rejection. I knew he had gone to her house that night, and because he has an alcohol problem stayed the night there, I trusted him, and didn't think nothing of it. Than the next day I talk to this friend, and she tells me that he is drinking already, it was only 10 o'clock on a Sunday Morning. I think that was the last straw for me, see he always told me he didn't start drinking till noon, so here I was being lied to again. I had a friend I was talking to online at the time he was at this friends house, and he couldn't believe that I wouldn't have a problem with my husband staying at another womans house overnight. Well I never thought he would do such a thing to me.

 

After being told by him that he longer loved me, and that he wanted to go our separate ways, I found it very hard living there with him. I couldn't act the way I always knew how to act. I couldn't say I love you as he left for work anymore, I couldn't hug him when he came home, I couldn't be a wife anymore. This was very hard, so I made plans to meet this male friend that I met online, and who was helping me get through it all. Without him, I don't know what I would have done. See this man I married also would get aggrevated if things didn't go his way. He expected life to be run by his rules or forget it. Well there was these people who lived next door with dogs that barked, well that would make it hard for him to sleep so he would scream out the door, or he would just leave and burn out the driveway throwing rocks from the tires everywhere. When he did stuff like this I just didn't understand, it wouldn't make anything better, and now that I had no reason to worry about what I said, I really wanted to go off on him. My friend online kept me calm though, and I just ingnored the situation, and let him act like the idiot he was. I was thankful that I had someone, even though online who could keep me calm.

 

The day arrived when I would meet this person, and husband drove me to the airport, and that is the last time I have seen him. When I met this friend, and got away from the situation I was in, I knew there was no way I could go back, so I stayed here with this man and I know it is where I belong. Through this relationship I have with him, I have learned how programmed I was with the Ex. My first realization of this came when we were driving somewhere that we needed a map for, and I was trying to read it, and couldn't find the street we were looking for, and I automatically thought that I was gonna be getting yelled at, and I started saying, "I'm sorry" over and over and I started crying. Never a word was said, I just had put myself in the old position and reacted. I found so many times in many different situations I would react the way I would have with the Ex. It really scared me to think I had been so programmed and didn't know it. I guess I just wanted to make him happy that I tried to conform, and became someone I didn't even know. Even after being away from hubby, I still talked to him on the phone, and if he had told me he wanted me to come back to him, I would have in a heartbeat, cause I just didn't know any better at the time. I thought my life was comfortable, I didn't know any better.

 

Now after being here with this wonderful man, I know that my life was far from comfortable. I really don't know how I thought it was okay through all those years. I guess being naive and believing in a liar just made it tolerable, walk around with blinders, and you can never see right. I was sure blind, and it came back to bite me in the end, but God was there by my side with guidance and support. Otherwise I would have been totally lost. Yet now after all this time, I get papers for the Divorce proceedings, and I am feeling all confused. I feel like I am losing something, but I lost that long ago, and have gained so much more in the mean time. I know I want to move on with my life, and this will allow me to do so, but yet I just want to ignore it and hope it goes away. I live in a different state than he does so I have to sign some appearance papers first to get things rolling. I guess if it was just the final papers for me to sign I feel it would be easier, but instead I feel like I have to crawl through the mud to get to that point. Our children are adults so we don't have any of that to worry about, and I don't have any assets and I don't think he has any, cause he just let all our stuff get repossessed by the storage company. At the time he was depressed again and was thinking of suicide cause of another woman who rejected him. He asked that other friend of ours that he wanted before to call me and let me know that he wasn't gonna take care of paying for the storage anymore. I had no way of getting the stuff or paying them, so it got sold to the highest bidder I am sure. I had no idea at the time that he was planning suicide either, but a few weeks later he called me, and he told me of his plans. So we have nothing so this should be a simple divorce. I just am trying to figure out why I feel like because these papers came, that I failed him, and maybe I did something wrong. I keep asking God if it's okay to get divorced. I feel like I failed him too. Am I just going through typical feelings, or am I going crazy?

[Leikela]

Re-read your post... You described how your ex programmed your reactions and how you were acting like someone that wasn't truly you. How is that YOUR fault?!?!?

 

You obviously have self esteem issues. Have you ever thought about going to a counselor? It seems as though you would benefit from sorting through your own issues.

 

The fact that you feel upset that you're getting divorced from an abusive alcoholic man is cause alone to talk with someone.

 

Sign the papers and be thankful you got away from this man.

[Genie]

I've done lots reading about relationship issues and it seems that when it comes to folks who are addicts (whether alcohol or drugs) you cannot depend on them, have good relationships with them, etc.

 

To top it off, this ex of yours sounds manipulative, abusive and sadly, has many personal issues himself. It also appears as if these issues are long-standing and are not 'new.'

 

DO NOT blame yourself for his addiction. DO NOT blame yourself for not being able to fix his behavior. DO NOT martyr yourself - especially for someone who has such little regard for you.

 

I realize that you are still in the process of 'deprogramming' fromyour ex. If you surround yourself with supportive people and (most importantly) re-find that seed of yourself that holds your self-worth and rekindle your self-love, then you will get through the hard part.

 

Sure, getting divorced is a loss. But you have so much to look forward to

 

STAYING IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP IS SESTUCTIVE FOR BOTH PARTIES.

 

Plus, I hear that addicts often have to hit rock-bottom before then decide to find themselves. Your leaving him might actually save him in the end. You too.

 

Imagine that.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You're blaming yourself because this guy has convinced you that you were responsible for his happiness and self-worth, and now that you're walking away, you feel like you haved failed him because he's not happy and he's suicidal. If anyone tells you that if you leave them they would commit suicide, that's a form of control, because now you feel locked with that person or else they would kill themselves. You have not been in a healthy relationship and you did the wise thing of leaving. It is also natural during a divorce to have feelings of failure because you wanted so much for the marriage to work. No doubt you've tried, but it didn't work. So although you feel bad now, eventually as you heal you'll realize it was one of the best decisions you've made.