Torn between two men

[Kat30]

Hi,

 

I'm Kat, I'm 30 next month. I've been married for 6 years to a wonderful man. We have no children. We are now going through a divorce.

 

In 2006 I met a man at work and we became close friends. There was an intense chemistry and sexual attraction also. I didn't have sex with the guy, because I was married, but I did meet him for drinks, chats, the closeness etc. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. This went on for over a year, and it was hard not to have sex with him. In hindsight I should have walked away from the beginning.

 

My head was a mess earlier this year. My feelings for the other man were too strong to ignore. I confessed to my husband and left our home.

 

Since I left, I have had sex with the other man. It was amazing. Much better than the sex life I shared with my husband.

 

My husband now wants me back...and I still love him. But I'm not sure it is the right kind of love. I am not sexually attracted to him, but we do get on in most other ways.

 

The other man wants me to move in with him. I love him very much also, and the sex is fantastic. We are compatible in almost evey way.

 

I have no idea which way to turn. Can anyone help?

 

Kat

[soda]

Hi,

 

I'm Kat, I'm 30 next month. I've been married for 6 years to a wonderful man. We have no children. We are now going through a divorce.

 

In 2006 I met a man at work and we became close friends. There was an intense chemistry and sexual attraction also. I didn't have sex with the guy, because I was married, but I did meet him for drinks, chats, the closeness etc. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. This went on for over a year, and it was hard not to have sex with him. In hindsight I should have walked away from the beginning.

 

My head was a mess earlier this year. My feelings for the other man were too strong to ignore. I confessed to my husband and left our home.

 

Since I left, I have had sex with the other man. It was amazing. Much better than the sex life I shared with my husband.

 

My husband now wants me back...and I still love him. But I'm not sure it is the right kind of love. I am not sexually attracted to him, but we do get on in most other ways.

 

The other man wants me to move in with him. I love him very much also, and the sex is fantastic. We are compatible in almost evey way.

 

I have no idea which way to turn. Can anyone help?

 

Kat

 

 

No, but I'll help your husband. Tell him exactly what you've posted here. Let him decide whether he still wants you back.

 

Make sure to remind him that his wife is a mess.

[jmargel]

Kat,

 

I'm sure you felt the same way about your husband before you moved in with him and the puppy dog love stage ended. Thing is, at least in my opinion ALL relationship go through a cycle and the point you were at with your husband, you will reach with this other guy. Then what? Do the same thing again?

 

You are only seeing things from 'your' shoes. You have to mentally take yourself a few steps back and look at the big picture. What would your reactions be if your husband did this to you? What would your feelings be if you felt he was cheating on you or becoming distant?

 

There are hundreds of stories just like yours. Majority of these stories end up with the woman either being alone or hopping from guy to guy. Instead of sitting down and truly looking at the problem and finding out what is wrong, it's easier to blame the significant other. "They weren't doing this or that for me, so I found it elsewhere", instead of coming to a resolution first.

 

You don't solve a problem by adding more people to the mix, you analyze the problem first and then decide to either move on or work on the problem.

 

This relationship with this OM started out in strife and I can almost guarantee that it will end in strife. I say this not to try to get you to stay with your husband but to save you alot of wasted time. When one's realizations don't meet their high expectations, then that's when things like this happen. Your expectation of this OM is set very high and when he doesn't meet it, you will follow the same path you are going down now.

 

IMO you need to go NC with this OM, be honest with your husband and at least try marriage counseling. You are looking for your own happiness within a man, you can't do that. You also can't place that burden on another person either. That is something you need to find within' yourself.

[Kat30]

Soda - Not a very constructive response. I am guessing you may have been hurt by infidelity in the past, and if so, I am sorry about that. I wrote my situation in very brief terms. I am not a bad person and I cannot help my emotions. You do not know me as a person. I may be a mess as you state, and there are other aspects of my life which have contributed to me being 'a mess'. You state that you would help my husband by telling him what I have posted; That was my point, I have been honest with him and told him my feelings. I have read some of your other posts, and find your opinions judgemental, unhelpful and bitter.

 

Jmargel - Thank you for your response. I see that I am looking at things from 'my shoes' and I do think I need to take a step back and assess the situation fully. You mentioned counselling, and I agree with you; however I suggested this to my husband prior to this problem and he was most unwilling to partake. My husband has a very traditional view on marriage and is quite old-fashioned when it comes to bringing in third parties to help; therefore counselling is not an option, unless i go alone.

 

Putting the other man aside for a moment, my husband and I had other issues in our marriage which seemed to be irreconcilable. He was quite controlling and never liked the fact that I kept in touch with my friends. I found my birth family a couple of years ago and went through a very hard time. He was supportive to an extent but has spoken ill of my birth family since we found them even though I am building very good relationships with my siblings and birth mother. Maybe counselling would have helped these issues also. I don't know what else to suggest. There was also the mother-in-law situation. She didn't like me from the start. She didn't want her son to leave home, and as his sister married a partner in a law firm, I was never good enough for her son.

 

I would hope that I wouldn't be the type of woman to hop from one guy to another, but I can see your point.

 

I didn't want to refer to sex too much in my initial post, and I realise it is not the be all and end all of relationships; however I was not happy with the sexual side of things within the marriage, and it has confused me even more that I have found a man who has the full package....

 

Marriage is important to me. I took my vows in church thinking that was it, that something like this would never happen, and if I can avoid divorce and repair my marriage then I would be happy to do that. My main concerns are that my husband is not the right person for me, that I will always wonder 'what could have been' with the other man etc etc....

 

:S Confused.

[jmargel]

You will always wonder, just like everyone else will wonder what life would be like if they married 'so and so' and not the spouse they are with now.

 

As for counseling, it doesn't matter if your husband wants to go, you going for yourself would be a step in the right direction. It can't hurt, right?

 

How has your husband been controlling besides not liking your friends? Sounds like the communication between you two has dwindled and good chance the reason the sex part isn't there anymore has something to do with the poor communication.

 

I think what I see most as a red flag is that you left because you were looking for happiness in someone else. You can't put this burden on another individual whether it be your husband or this other man. Leaving your husband because you tried everything possible and have just come up with the conclusion that you are incompatible, is one thing. It's another to leave your spouse for someone else to replace what was missing.

 

Also, this other man you only see his good side. Please don't be so ignorant to think he will be like this after you move in and perhaps marry him. Honestly with most men, you get the best from the beginning and as the relationship continues the man starts to slowly slack off and start showing his negative traits.

 

You truly don't know a person until you invest alot of time both physically and emotionally into them. Usually years. Unfortunetly it's that investment that gets lost when you find out the person you are with is not what you truly thought they were protraying themselves to be.

[Kat30]

Hi,

 

I have been to counselling individually before and yes I would be willing to go again. My counsellor in the past also picked up on the fact that my husband was controlling and stated that we had an unhealthy relationship.

 

My husband would make me feel guilty if I wanted to spend time with friends, or an evening with my brothers or sisters; he would tell me when I should be home, how much money I could have etc; He would make me feel guilty if I needed to go away with work and so on. He thinks it is wrong for a married couple to spend an evening apart. He has also told me before that his mother comes first. Aside all of that I still think he is an amazing person.

 

I am so afraid of making the wrong decision.

 

I see your point about the other man and how he could change further down the line. But how can I switch off my feelings for him to concentrate on my marriage.

 

My husband actually wants to go ahead with the divorce and the house sale and start a relationship with me again. But I see problems with that.

 

Kat

[Owl]

If you feel that strongly about your marriage, then the solution to this is simple.

 

NOT EASY...but simple.

 

1. Sit down and think about the changes that your H would need to make for you to consider reconciliation. Now, think about the damage that the affair will have done...destroyed trust in you is going to be the biggest thing. So your concerns about his "controlling nature" are going to have to find some kind of balance with the need to rebuild trust between you.

 

2. Discuss this list with your H. Get his thoughts.

 

3. If he's amenable to at least discuss most of these things, then INSIST on marriage counseling as a requirement for you to consider reconciliation. Make sure that its one that can help you recover the marriage from the issues that existed prior to the latest events, AND can help your marriage heal from the affair.

 

4. Here's the real toughy...go NC with OM...PERMANENTLY.

 

THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN WORK ON RECOVERING YOUR MARRIAGE WITH OM IN THE PICTURE, OR WAITING IN THE WINGS.

 

Read that last statement again. I know you don't like the idea...but its CRITICAL.

 

5. Once that's happened, then SLOWLY start the dating process with your H again, along with the marriage counseling to address all the issues.

 

Just remember...you CANNOT work on one with the other guy still in the mix. IT WON'T WORK.

 

You'll be holding part of yourself back from the reconciliation to maintain that other relationship.

[Kat30]

Hi Owl

 

Thanks for the response.

 

I have asked my husband to go to marriage counselling. It is a no go. I hawever would be willing to go alone.

 

I have also asked my husband about how we can work together to BOTH make changes to get to a happy conclusion with the other issues.... and he is unwilling to change anything, he has requested that I stop seeing my friends as he feels that I put them first, even though I only used to see them once a month, but did used to communicate with them by email, text and calls regularly....and he has told me that his mother comes first, before me, his wife.

 

Regarding the other man, I feel that it would tear me apart to let him go. But I understand that it would be critical, if I were to save my marriage.

 

I keep asking myself if my marriage is right for me.

[jmargel]

Was his controlling behavior before you started talking to this OM? Because us guys, can sense when something is going on. It's then a natural instinct to go down that path of controlling behavior in regards to this.

 

Also now that you have told us HIS shortcomings, what about yours? I'm sure it's not all him. What may have you done to contributed to all of this? Not saying it's your fault he's this way but it's usually not just one side that does all the damage to a marriage.

 

Owl is right though, to give your marriage a fair chance not only do you have to go NC, but you have to get through the withdrawl of this OM before getting the chance to work on your marriage. If you don't want this marriage to work, then simply get the divorce.

 

If you husband were to change his behavior would it be enough for you to leave this OM and be happily married to your husband?

[confusedinkansas]

Kat~ No one here can tell you what to do - but learning from others experiences, I have found...occasionally helps.

I was in your shoes about 3+ or so years ago. I stayed in my marriage & also had an affair with another man - off & on for those 3 years. It was the worst time of my life. Because I chose to stay with my husband & pine away for this other man. I was very much in love with this OM & I believed he was in love with me as well - but he never asked me to leave my husband. I went for a year without seeing him & in that time my husband & I separated. (not because of the affair, because of other situations in our marriage) I talk / email the OM from time to time, (Not on purpose - but, ironically we now live within one minute of each other) but he now has a girlfriend. I have seen him a few times (not romantically, just as friends) - he claims to be very unhappy in his current romantic situation - yet, won't break things off....(see, more confused people.) ......Anyway...that kind of makes me SH*T out of luck - for us to be together now. I regret on a small scale that I let him slip thru my fingers. I am probably going to move back home & try one more time to work on my marriage - I think I would regret that even more - If I didn't give it 100% of a try.

Anyway, I tell my mini story for this reason - Either decision you make will be a VERY VERY difficult one. You aren't alone in the feelings you are experiencing.

And, one more point - YOU are not a mess.....just confused. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

[Kat30]

Hi Good to know I'm not the only one who has gone/is going through this situation. ConfusedinKansas, your story moved me. I hope you find happiness.

 

To answer the question about my husband being controlling, yes, it was before this situation began. Not so much at the beginning of the marriage.

 

I am not saying that I didn't contribute to issues/problems in the marriage. None of us are perfect. I did take a lot of things for granted regarding my husband and what he did for me.

 

I need to think about exactly what I want and weigh up what is best for all concerned I guess.

 

Kat

[Billy Bob]

Hi Good to know I'm not the only one who has gone/is going through this situation. ConfusedinKansas, your story moved me. I hope you find happiness.

 

To answer the question about my husband being controlling, yes, it was before this situation began. Not so much at the beginning of the marriage.

 

I am not saying that I didn't contribute to issues/problems in the marriage. None of us are perfect. I did take a lot of things for granted regarding my husband and what he did for me.

 

I need to think about exactly what I want and weigh up what is best for all concerned I guess.

 

Kat

 

Kat,

 

Many here will propose saving your marriage at all costs.. but really it all comes down to personal happiness. You don't have any kids in the mix, you had an unfulfilling sex life with your husband and he was a bit of a control freak..

 

Go for it, move in with the OM, just know that it's probably a rebound relationship and if the guy would have an affair with you while you were married, he'll do it again.

 

The best thing for your stbxh is for you to just move on.. don't be wishy washy, don't sit on the fence. Let him move on from your relationship and find new happiness.

[Owl]

Just tell your H point blank that if he refuses to admit that there are issues on his side that need to be addressed, if he refuses to see a marriage counselor, if he insists that his mother is first and foremost in his life....

 

 

...then there is no basis to reconcile or rebuild your marriage on.

 

And end the conversation.

 

Again...simple.

[confusedinkansas]

Telling someone of an affair - either that HAS happened or one that you are contemplating...............NOT A GOOD IDEA!

Just to relieve yourself of the GUILT? and crush someone you are supposidly in love with all in one statement.....

If he finds out about it later - I suppose that's one thing to deal with - but just so you can ease your guilty concience...I don't know how people on here can recommend that you do that. No I don't think it's dishonest to keep it from him - IF you work out your issues & your marriage survives thru all of this....there is no harm.

[Owl]

Sorry confused, but I completely disagree.

 

You CANNOT rebuild a marriage with a foundation of a lie by ommission...especially not one of this magnitude.

 

The odds are HUGE that he WILL find out at some point...and no matter how many years from now that is, it will seem to him like it just happened. Its FAR better to work this out on your own terms now than to cover it up and explain to him why you lied about it for YEARS down the road.

 

I've seen this over and over on this site.

 

Her husband DOES deserve to know the truth...and to decide whether or not he wants her back based on this knowledge. He does NOT deserve to live a marriage based on a lie for years before he eventually learns about this.

 

I want to reiterate my previous advice...

 

Set clear boundaries with your H about what you'll accept from him in order to consider reconciliation with him. Marriage counseling is a must. Identify specific changes that he needs to make, and insist on them. AND...tell him about the affair, and determine from there whether or not there is any hope of reconciliation or not.

[stillafool]

Hi,

 

I'm Kat, I'm 30 next month. I've been married for 6 years to a wonderful man. We have no children. We are now going through a divorce.

 

In 2006 I met a man at work and we became close friends. There was an intense chemistry and sexual attraction also. I didn't have sex with the guy, because I was married, but I did meet him for drinks, chats, the closeness etc. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. This went on for over a year, and it was hard not to have sex with him. In hindsight I should have walked away from the beginning.

 

My head was a mess earlier this year. My feelings for the other man were too strong to ignore. I confessed to my husband and left our home.

 

Since I left, I have had sex with the other man. It was amazing. Much better than the sex life I shared with my husband.

 

My husband now wants me back...and I still love him. But I'm not sure it is the right kind of love. I am not sexually attracted to him, but we do get on in most other ways.

 

The other man wants me to move in with him. I love him very much also, and the sex is fantastic. We are compatible in almost evey way.

 

I have no idea which way to turn. Can anyone help?

 

Kat

 

 

I really can't believe you need help with this. You fell in love with another man and left your husband (good you told him and left). You had amazing sex with the new guy you left your husband for and now this guy wants the two of you to move in together. You say you are not sexually attracted to your ex husband and are not sure you have the "right kind of love" for him so the answer seems pretty obvious to me. Move in with the guy you left your husband for since that is what you wanted when you left your husband. Don't drag your poor husband back into your confusion. Let him go and be with a woman who desires him the way you desire your new man.

[michelangelo]

My wife did as you and theo OP has done, cheated for years on me and lying about it.

 

My wife led me to believe she has had a one-nighter and was working on our marriage. Sheesh, we even went to a marriage counselor for a year after the "end" of her affair.

 

What really was happening is that i was genuinely trying to repair things between us and trying to get over the pain of her cheating, thinking we were both doing the same.

 

I tried to make her happy materially. We bought a house, got her a nice car, we went to Hawaii, worked on fixing up the house. Yo0u name it, i was trying.

 

What a sucker i was.

 

Know what she was doing?

 

Banging that guy every chance she could get for the next seven years.

 

Says she thought she was in love with him and me too. That i should not be angry at her because she was confused and made a mistake?

 

Oh, and she lied about an additional 7 years AFTER she supposedly ended it.

 

So, basically, she stole the last 14-15 years of my life from me because she was not truthful about her affair.

 

Friggin truth dribbler.

 

As painful as the truth of things has been I do appreciate finally getting the truth out of her.

 

Whether or not I now leave her, i was robbed of the truth of my life by her.

 

She misled me, was quite devious in protecting her still ongoing affair. it was really clever of her to use marriage counseling as deep cover.

 

Whetever your feelings are for your husband or your new guy, you get to have the truth of what is happening, why shouldn't your husband be privileged to have that too?

 

I wish I had had the truth so much earlier and could have changed my life from what has transpired.

[SingleDad]

Surprising how many "have your cake and eat it too" spouses out there.

 

Is it just today's society where there is "drive through, disposable marriages" and/or spoiled society where having the house, white picket fence and 2.5 kids isn't enough - now it's become the "have a responsible spouse at home taking care of the kids and OM/W to give me the other things I can't get from just one person"

 

sorry - just feeling cynical.... Decide what is best for you (and children who have no say in the matter) and make a decision.

[TrustInYourself]

Surprising how many "have your cake and eat it too" spouses out there.

 

Is it just today's society where there is "drive through, disposable marriages" and/or spoiled society where having the house, white picket fence and 2.5 kids isn't enough - now it's become the "have a responsible spouse at home taking care of the kids and OM/W to give me the other things I can't get from just one person"

 

sorry - just feeling cynical.... Decide what is best for you (and children who have no say in the matter) and make a decision.

 

Yes, society is like that. What about you? What's the problem with you? What issues do you have? That should be your focus. Not society. Not your wife. Not Burger King and that weird King character they have now.

[TrustInYourself]

Hi,

 

I'm Kat, I'm 30 next month. I've been married for 6 years to a wonderful man. We have no children. We are now going through a divorce.

 

In 2006 I met a man at work and we became close friends. There was an intense chemistry and sexual attraction also. I didn't have sex with the guy, because I was married, but I did meet him for drinks, chats, the closeness etc. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. This went on for over a year, and it was hard not to have sex with him. In hindsight I should have walked away from the beginning.

 

My head was a mess earlier this year. My feelings for the other man were too strong to ignore. I confessed to my husband and left our home.

 

Since I left, I have had sex with the other man. It was amazing. Much better than the sex life I shared with my husband.

 

My husband now wants me back...and I still love him. But I'm not sure it is the right kind of love. I am not sexually attracted to him, but we do get on in most other ways.

 

The other man wants me to move in with him. I love him very much also, and the sex is fantastic. We are compatible in almost evey way.

 

I have no idea which way to turn. Can anyone help?

 

Kat

 

Are you a responsible adult? Or a naive child? Once you answer that question, you'll have the answer to your little problem.

[SingleDad]

Yes, society is like that. What about you? What's the problem with you? What issues do you have? That should be your focus. Not society. Not your wife. Not Burger King and that weird King character they have now.

 

Thanks TIY...for the self-check as well... I am working on myself as well

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. this has got to be the easiest advice:

 

From what I read...

 

you are getting divorced.. you are not in love with your husband anymore.. he's controlling, possessive, and sex is not enjoyable anymore...

 

you met this other guy over two years ago.. you love him and he loves you.. he's a great guy (according to you)... sex is amazing with him.. (I don't buy the 'no-sex-before-my-divorce' thing but.. anyho.. no big deal)

 

this is very easy: the new guy.. you have no children, it's even easier.

 

your controlling, possessive husband will still be even more possessive and controlling after he finds out.. and sex will NOT be better if it's already boring.. IMO plus your mind will always be with this other guy, since you're in love with him.. so IMO, your marriage is irreconciliable...

 

Anyway.. bottom line.. you WILL do what you WANT to do.. good luck!

[TrustInYourself]

Wow.. this has got to be the easiest advice:

 

From what I read...

 

you are getting divorced.. you are not in love with your husband anymore.. he's controlling, possessive, and sex is not enjoyable anymore...

 

you met this other guy over two years ago.. you love him and he loves you.. he's a great guy (according to you)... sex is amazing with him.. (I don't buy the 'no-sex-before-my-divorce' thing but.. anyho.. no big deal)

 

this is very easy: the new guy.. you have no children, it's even easier.

 

your controlling, possessive husband will still be even more possessive and controlling after he finds out.. and sex will NOT be better if it's already boring.. IMO plus your mind will always be with this other guy, since you're in love with him.. so IMO, your marriage is irreconciliable...

 

Anyway.. bottom line.. you WILL do what you WANT to do.. good luck!

 

I have to laugh while I read this.

[Owl]

This is nothing new...Lizzie's advice is ALWAYS to go with the affair. Her advice is that its ALWAYS better on the outside rather than work on the marriage.

 

Given that Lizzie is a "professional" other woman in the the most literal sense possible, that's hardly surprising. Take this into account as you read her suggestion here.

[SingleDad]

Amazing how diferent the personalities and advice is... you get a wide range of advice and you just have to decide what is the best advice for yourself and your situation.