Torn between two men

[Lizzie60]

This is nothing new...Lizzie's advice is ALWAYS to go with the affair. Her advice is that its ALWAYS better on the outside rather than work on the marriage.

 

Given that Lizzie is a "professional" other woman in the the most literal sense possible, that's hardly surprising. Take this into account as you read her suggestion here.

 

 

It's NOT always to go with the affair.. you need to read my posts more carefully... it depends on the situation.. in this case, yes I will advise her to leave him... cause from what I read, there is no way this marriage can work.. they are still young, why waste 10 more years (just saying) to try to work something that will never be viable..

 

I have 'hot flashes' when I read things like 'go to MC,.. try to work on your marriage..etc.'... that's all BS in many cases.. IMO... what if they married too young.. and they're not meant to be with each other..

 

From what I read in her original post.. I doubt she is willing to put many more years into her miserable marriage..

 

I think that from what I read on LS .. my opinions are just as good as any 'holier than thou' posters...

 

Cheers!!!!!

[SingleDad]

I think that from what I read on LS .. my opinions are just as good as any 'holier than thou' posters...

 

Are you referring to me ?...

 

I do believe that many marriages, especially when young children are involved, are worth saving. If both people can just work out the dynamics of their relationship, give and take equally, be understanding of each other, realize that marriage is not a Holywood movie... things can work out. So many people (including myself) just do not understand what it takes to make a marriage work, that there is sacrifice because you love the person you are with. (I have learned that so much more, now that I have made all the common mistakes, and have to vent on this forum - instead of with my W).

 

Maybe I think the world is a better place with families than Selfish Singles.

[Lizzie60]

The Holier than Thou know who they are..

[carhill]

OP, don't move in with the other guy, yet....

 

Be alone, work on yourself and clear your head. The reality of you leaving will have an impact on your stbx. He may not let go easily. IMO, any emotional involvement, and especially moving in, with the OM at this time will poison future opportunities with him. If you do really love him, take a break and center yourself. You've known him two years already; what's another year to get healthy and be able to give him all of you? Remember, both you and your stbx contributed to the demise of your marriage. You still carry your part. It's something you need to resolve and learn from.

 

Counseling will help you if you want it to. Go and continue to mention it to your stbx whenever you talk. Nothing in life is cast in stone. You're dissolving a legal contract (the marriage). You will likely be ambivalent and you may have regrets. This is why you need time.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Amazing sexual chemistry and great sex only get you so far. It is a powerful mix, though. Enough to make you want to give up everything you have for that giddy 'in love' rush.

 

I guess instead of 'who has better chemistry', the better question would be: who is really going to be there for you when your chips are down, and I mean really, really down?

 

G_d forbid something happen to you like happened to me, but I found out the hard way that all the 'great sex' and 'sexual chemistry' weren't worth the bandwidth used to type the phrases when I reached my lowest point. H, from whom I had been separated for three years ended up being the better man. And you know what? The chemistry and great sex is with my H now.

 

You can love with all that you have in your heart - but ask yourself this: deep down - which man loves you best?

[Owl]

Exactly, LB.

 

Great chemistry and all that is common with ANYONE at the beginning of a relationship.

 

Its NOT a sign that this is 'meant to be'. Its not a clear indication that he's an obvious better choice than your H.

 

Its a factor of the stage of the relationship that you're in with him at this point. Nothing more.

 

And its absolutely not a good basis for a decision to throw away years of marriage without an attempt at reconciliation.

[stillafool]

Are you referring to me ?...

 

I do believe that many marriages, especially when young children are involved, are worth saving. If both people can just work out the dynamics of their relationship, give and take equally, be understanding of each other, realize that marriage is not a Holywood movie... things can work out. So many people (including myself) just do not understand what it takes to make a marriage work, that there is sacrifice because you love the person you are with. (I have learned that so much more, now that I have made all the common mistakes, and have to vent on this forum - instead of with my W).

 

Maybe I think the world is a better place with families than Selfish Singles.

 

Why do you think single people are selfish? I am married without children and I don't view single people as selfish nor married people with children as saints. I'm just curious as to why married people with families think single people and married people without kids selfish.

[SingleDad]

[/b]

 

Why do you think single people are selfish? I am married without children and I don't view single people as selfish nor married people with children as saints. I'm just curious as to why married people with families think single people and married people without kids selfish.

 

Sorry - that was an overstatement... I was arguing that when a married person with children wants too much for themselves and has an affair to feel loved or leaves to be happy by themselves, I feel they are overlooking the committment and responsibilities that they have made to themselves, their spouse and their children. I feel divorce should be a last resort, especially when there are children involved... There are too many divorces that could have be saved.

 

When a person divorces - they are doing it for themselves - they are not happy anymore, they are not getting enough of what they want - I can see that as being selfish oftentimes - rather than really working on fixing what is broken - that is where I used the term "Selfish Singles". I did not intend say that anyone who is single is selfish.

 

Obviously, I am biased... I was thrust into a situation against my will and I want to save my marriage.

[stillafool]

Thanks for explaining. I agree with you on your points.

[TrustInYourself]

Sorry - that was an overstatement... I was arguing that when a married person with children wants too much for themselves and has an affair to feel loved or leaves to be happy by themselves, I feel they are overlooking the committment and responsibilities that they have made to themselves, their spouse and their children. I feel divorce should be a last resort, especially when there are children involved... There are too many divorces that could have be saved.

 

When a person divorces - they are doing it for themselves - they are not happy anymore, they are not getting enough of what they want - I can see that as being selfish oftentimes - rather than really working on fixing what is broken - that is where I used the term "Selfish Singles". I did not intend say that anyone who is single is selfish.

 

Obviously, I am biased... I was thrust into a situation against my will and I want to save my marriage.

 

How do you fix something when it has nothing to do with you?

 

How do you ask someone to change their perception and force themselves to be happy with the situation, when you can not do that yourself, when found in the opposite situation.

 

If you can't be happy alone, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't be a great father outside a relationship with your former spouse, how can you be a great father inside a relationship? Your wife and daughter rely on you to be there for them emotionally. How is that possible when you can't manage to be there for yourself emotionally?

[nowhereman82]

To many responses to read them all....but honestly, him going to counseling with you should be the condition that you would be willing to try again with him. It's a sacrafice he can make to show you that you are important enough.

 

Yea...you did some things that hurt him....but he has also done things to hurt you. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change. And without a Counselor to keep bringing up these things over a long term, will anything change. Especially since he is controlling.

[SingleDad]

moved reply to my thread.

[TrustInYourself]

Same thing as he said!

[SmartWoman321]

When a person divorces - they are doing it for themselves - they are not happy anymore, they are not getting enough of what they want - I can see that as being selfish oftentimes - rather than really working on fixing what is broken - that is where I used the term "Selfish Singles". I did not intend say that anyone who is single is selfish.

 

Obviously, I am biased... I was thrust into a situation against my will and I want to save my marriage.

 

 

I haven't read all the threads and maybe this is for another topic all together...BUT.....when I read that divorce is selfish (in some instances) instead of trying to work on fixing what is broken...what if what is broken is that you don't love the spouse? I could not fix that---it is not fixable. I could not force myself to be in love with (or love) my spouse, no matter what either of us say or did. It just wasn't there, period. I cannot see staying together for the wrong reasons, even if there are children involved and I got out, yes, for my own happiness I guess. Is that selfish? Selfish that I want to be happy? Selfish that I want my children to know what a loving marriage is all about if I am blessed enough to find someone else? Hm.....

For me, staying together for financial reasons or for convenience or for "the sake of the children" are all the wrong reasons. I just couldn't do it.

[Owl]

Were you "in love" when you married?

 

Odds are, if you ever "loved" your spouse, then it CAN come back. The same conditions that helped create that love can re-create it if you've simply "fallen out of love" with your spouse.

 

There had to be something there that caused you to get married in the first place, no?

[cyabye]

Putting the other man aside for a moment, my husband and I had other issues in our marriage which seemed to be irreconcilable. He was quite controlling and never liked the fact that I kept in touch with my friends.

 

So he had a trust issue with you already?

 

I found my birth family a couple of years ago and went through a very hard time. He was supportive to an extent but has spoken ill of my birth family since we found them even though I am building very good relationships with my siblings and birth mother.

 

Maybe looking out for your best interest? There is more to the story I am sure?

 

There was also the mother-in-law situation. She didn't like me from the start.

 

Ok, but what does that have to do with your husband?

 

I would hope that I wouldn't be the type of woman to hop from one guy to another, but I can see your point.

 

You are well on your way even if you do see the point.

 

I didn't want to refer to sex too much in my initial post, and I realise it is not the be all and end all of relationships; however I was not happy with the sexual side of things within the marriage, and it has confused me even more that I have found a man who has the full package....

 

It's always a FULL PACKAGE when the affair is new.

 

Marriage is important to me. I took my vows in church thinking that was it, that something like this would never happen, and if I can avoid divorce and repair my marriage then I would be happy to do that.

 

You must stop seeing OM cold turkey, confess to your husband and repent. Maybe, with a lot of hard work, your husband might be able to truly forgive you and your marriage can be restored through God.

 

My main concerns are that my husband is not the right person for me, that I will always wonder 'what could have been' with the other man etc etc....

 

LOL. You should of thought of that before you said "I do" before God and family. You are clearly deep in the "affair fog" and have the greener pastures syndrome going on. You need to stop with OM cold turkey and be honest (totally) with your H. Anything else is pointless and a divorce would be the only answer for your husband.

 

cyabye

[Darth Vader]

My wife did as you and theo OP has done, cheated for years on me and lying about it.

 

My wife led me to believe she has had a one-nighter and was working on our marriage. Sheesh, we even went to a marriage counselor for a year after the "end" of her affair.

 

What really was happening is that i was genuinely trying to repair things between us and trying to get over the pain of her cheating, thinking we were both doing the same.

 

I tried to make her happy materially. We bought a house, got her a nice car, we went to Hawaii, worked on fixing up the house. Yo0u name it, i was trying.

 

What a sucker i was.

 

Know what she was doing?

 

Banging that guy every chance she could get for the next seven years.

 

Says she thought she was in love with him and me too. That i should not be angry at her because she was confused and made a mistake?

 

Oh, and she lied about an additional 7 years AFTER she supposedly ended it.

 

So, basically, she stole the last 14-15 years of my life from me because she was not truthful about her affair.

 

Friggin truth dribbler.

 

As painful as the truth of things has been I do appreciate finally getting the truth out of her.

 

Whether or not I now leave her, i was robbed of the truth of my life by her.

 

She misled me, was quite devious in protecting her still ongoing affair. it was really clever of her to use marriage counseling as deep cover.

 

Whetever your feelings are for your husband or your new guy, you get to have the truth of what is happening, why shouldn't your husband be privileged to have that too?

 

I wish I had had the truth so much earlier and could have changed my life from what has transpired.

 

 

Did you Divorce her? I'd hope so! What a Bitch!

 

 

Anyway, Kat or whatever your name is, I see that you seem to find all kinds of fault/s with your hubby, apparently to justify you Riding the OM! Stop stringing your husband along and let him get two 20 years olds! Since you have the incredible amazing sex, why shouldn't your hubby? Oh, I forgot, you're selfish! Oh wait! It seems that you have a fault yourself! Oh my goodness!

 

Soda knows how your husband feels, that's why he was hammering you. Well, you can read all of my posts if you want, I just don't give a DAMN! Apparently, neither do you!

[Darth Vader]

I have to laugh while I read this.

 

 

I can't laugh, all I can do is be sick! Sick knowing that there's actually people like that in this world that just don't care about another persons feelings or well being, as long as it's not their feelings or well being that's suffering!

[Darth Vader]

This is nothing new...Lizzie's advice is ALWAYS to go with the affair. Her advice is that its ALWAYS better on the outside rather than work on the marriage.

 

Given that Lizzie is a "professional" other woman in the the most literal sense possible, that's hardly surprising. Take this into account as you read her suggestion here.

 

 

Really makes you think Owl, huh? There's another Profession out there that, well....... You know what I'm talking about! And it ain't good!

[Darth Vader]

It's NOT always to go with the affair.. you need to read my posts more carefully... it depends on the situation.. in this case, yes I will advise her to leave him... cause from what I read, there is no way this marriage can work.. they are still young, why waste 10 more years (just saying) to try to work something that will never be viable..

 

I have 'hot flashes' when I read things like 'go to MC,.. try to work on your marriage..etc.'... that's all BS in many cases.. IMO... what if they married too young.. and they're not meant to be with each other..

 

From what I read in her original post.. I doubt she is willing to put many more years into her miserable marriage..

 

I think that from what I read on LS .. my opinions are just as good as any 'holier than thou' posters...

 

Cheers!!!!!

 

 

It seems like you always go in favor of those who step outside of the marriage, weren't you once a BS, Lizzy?

 

'Hot flashes'? May be menopause, you're getting older Lizzy! Once again, I couldn't resist the Dark Side..........:cool:

 

I think that from what I read on LS .. my opinions are just as good as any 'holier than thou' posters...

 

Actually Lizzy, we're trying to help those who have been cheated on, or those who are thinking about cheating, but havn't as of yet. Most of us don't condone cheating on a spouse.

 

As a matter of fact, I don't condone what your hubby did to you, so how's that 'holier than thou' ?

[Darth Vader]

Were you "in love" when you married?

 

Odds are, if you ever "loved" your spouse, then it CAN come back. The same conditions that helped create that love can re-create it if you've simply "fallen out of love" with your spouse.

 

There had to be something there that caused you to get married in the first place, no?

 

 

Owl, you know as well as I do, the best thing for this man to do, is to Divorce his wife, she doesn't care about him at all, and her actions prove this. He'd have to go through Hell with the toughts, well, he'll have to go through that anyway, but, If he Divorces her, he doesn't have to look at her face and remember all the Hell she put him though, he may even heal faster, if that's possible........

[smileysmile]

Please don't be so ignorant to think he will be like this after you move in and perhaps marry him. Honestly with most men, you get the best from the beginning and as the relationship continues the man starts to slowly slack off and start showing his negative traits.

 

Very true. lol very very true. Smell the coffee dear I think your husband should go and find somebody who wants him. And this isn't because of my situation. Like the quote above. Wait until you move in together with the OM and mths/few years down the line see the same 'bad traits' you ladies always see in men! It is ALL wonderful at the beginning Zzzzzz And why do women always fall for there work collagues? They just can't help themselves and they fall for the oldest trick in the book. He gave me attention blah blah he is this and that unlike my husband ...boo hoo! Are women that thick? Gullible, naive to think that men like this want you long term?? lol

[nowhereman82]

Haha so true smileysmile! I see so many post where the ex girl hooks up with the coworker.

 

I would never touch a coworker with a 10 foot stick. Way too much drama could happen.

[Sks]

You already laid down for the other guy, your marriage is done. Your husband is a bit pathetic for wanting you back.

[Sks]

How do you fix something when it has nothing to do with you?

 

How do you ask someone to change their perception and force themselves to be happy with the situation, when you can not do that yourself, when found in the opposite situation.

 

If you can't be happy alone, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't be a great father outside a relationship with your former spouse, how can you be a great father inside a relationship? Your wife and daughter rely on you to be there for them emotionally. How is that possible when you can't manage to be there for yourself emotionally?

 

When you have kids your offspring's welfare come before your personal happiness.