I guess we're FWB?

[rod_in_gtown]

I posted about this on the dating forum but I'm thinking it belongs here.

 

Me: 30, divorced for 2.5 years out of a 3.5 year marriage, had one serious relationship since the divorce that ended 6 months ago.

 

Her: 34, 8 months separated out of a 3 year marriage, cheating husband, he lives on the west coast now and we live on the east coast.

 

We met at a club and hit it off immediately, we started hanging out just as friends, playing sports, going to the movies, cooking etc. Early in our friendship she mentioned that she loved hanging out with me but didn't want to date because she was not ready to date anyone, and that there were going to likely be many rebound guys in her future. I like her and said "I'm glad you were straight with me but I do like you. I also love hanging out with you, you make me laugh and we get along great" So we did the friends thing for a while longer.

 

A few weeks ago, we were at my apartment watching a movie after having some pizza and ended up hooking up. I told her I didn't want to have a one night stand and she said she didn't either, and she added to say that it felt "right" and "natural" being with me and that she was hoping I was a bad kisser, but she thought I was wonderful. We did not have sex that night nor the following time we hung out. But we have been talking and texting on and off ever since, and have had sex since. And we had one conversation where she said she didn't want to have a boyfriend.

 

I know where she is emotionally, going through a divorce, still recovering from chemo last year from brain cancer and getting used to living by herself.

 

In the past week our contact seems to have waned, she doesn't really respond to my texts like she used to (but still texts me at least once daily), emails also have cut back considerably but still some contact. and I have noticed that we don't hang out as much as we used to before we started hooking up.

 

My gut tells me she might be dating someone else, or at the very least, consciously trying to cut back time spent with me. On the other hand, I know she's been VERY busy with work lately, many projects being thrown at her at the same time and she was just awarded a project that she's less than ecstatic about.

 

I do like spending time with her, and hanging out. I don't need to have sex or make out with her every time I see her, and would be just content to get some coffee and accompany her to walk her dog like we used to.

 

I really really don't want to have the "what's going on" or "where are we?" conversation over the phone but scheduling a time to hang out has been really difficult. She's leaving today to NC to visit a friend and is coming back with her friend and her husband for the weekend so I won't get to see her until next week maybe, and I'm leaving town for a wedding so there's a chance of 2 weeks going by without contact.

 

Am I being paranoid? do I just need to be patient? I want to have a relationship with her, but I think she needs time to get over her ex... I feel ignored and would rather know if she's changed her mind or wants to date other guys instead. The not knowing is really getting to me.

[Kenyth]

At eight months out of her marriage, she probably isn't ready for serious. I wouldn't count on her as a long term commitment. At eight months out of my divorce, I would drop girls constantly once things started getting serious. So, enjoy the company, but beware the direction it's headed.

[dazed.1]

consciously trying to cut back time spent with me.

 

I think you hit it here. She knows where you stand and she isn't there yet. But it doesn't mean she won't be, thats why she keeps in touch.

 

Just keep being there for her, one day she will be ready for you.

 

PS you soulnd like a great guy and I think she will be lucky to have you! Good luck

[norajane]

But we have been talking and texting on and off ever since, and have had sex since. And we had one conversation where she said she didn't want to have a boyfriend.

Your answer is right there. Whatever you are to her, you are not her boyfriend.

 

You want to have a relationship with her, so you are are full of anxiety about what she may be doing with other men, why she's diminished contact with you, etc. This is a recipe for disaster. If you really want a relationship with her, you cannot be fwb with her - that will only increase your anxiety and ultimately hurt you when she tells you she is seeing other people because, as she said, she doesn't want a boyfriend and expects to have lots of rebound guys. To be her bf, you will have to wait until her head and her heart are both into it, not just her body. That could take a long time, especially since she's only separated and not even divorced yet.

 

Only she can specifically tell you what she's doing when you're not around - we can only guess. But it's safe to say whatever she's doing, she's not 'dating' you so you cannot have expectations.

[dazed.1]

Oops, didn't see the thing about the rebound guys....yeah then I agree with NJ

[Quinch]

This sounds a lot like a relationship I had a few years ago. The long distance, the divorce, even the brain tumor. Spooky.

 

Anyway, things were going great for us and we were even beginning to talk about marriage until she actually got her divorce and then she didn't need me any more. She said I had just been a port in a storm, a shoulder to cry on. Like your girl, she rebounded off a couple of other guys but I still wanted a relationship like we had talked about. Even now, I still have a few scars she left me.

 

My advice to you would be keep your options open. Maybe have your eye on a few other girls. The important thing is to retain control of your own life and the direction it's going. If you are meant to be together then it will happen but protect your own interests first.

 

This is the voice of experience.