Living Together & Making It Work

[Al]

I dated a guy for 5 years and we lived together for a year and a half. I learned more in that year and a half about this guy that I did all the years before that. Needless to say, things didn't work out and we went our separate ways. I moved out of the house we were living in and into an apartment of my own. Now my current boyfriend of over a year is talking about us living together. I am considering the idea b/c of my learning experience in the past. Granted, the relationship didn't work out but I'm glad I learned the things about my ex when I did. I have no plans set in stone to start packing my belongings but I think this relationship is heading in that direction. Any advice or tips on how to make things work would be appreciated. Feel free to share stories on any experiences that you may have had that did or did not work. Are there any signs to watch for now that might clue me in on what my current boyfriend will be like to live with?

[Thor]

Be open and patient. I'm sure others can add more to that, but that's essentially what I've used when living with past girlfriends. The other party is going to bring over their personality, traits, and behaviors. There's a big possibility that you may never have seen these before, or you may have, but it didn't affect you because you weren't living together. Something to consider is possibly bracing yourself for the changes to come. Here are some that have come up in my past, and are good things to think of before moving in with each other or even discussing them.

 

1. The bathroom. There are several things that go on in here that may really turn the tide if you're not prepared for them such as: The toilet seat being left up or down, hair in the bath tub/shower/sink, cleanliness in the entire bathroom such as clothes and towels lying around.

 

2. The kitchen. Do the dishes pile up after every meal? Is one person "expected to cook and clean", or does that chore get split up between whoever isn't cooking is cleaning? What sort of groceries are placed in the fridge? Again, cleanliness is also a big deal here.

 

3. The living area. Is there only one TV, and if so, do you both have the same tastes? Decor? Cleanliness. And, uh, passing gas. It happens all the time, but probably not around each other or in dating situations (hopefully) What's going to happen the first time it happens because you can sure bet it's not going to be the last time.

 

4. The bedroom. Most people think that this area would be the easiest but it really isn't. The whole issue about cleanliness comes into play here. Does one of you leave clothes on the dresser while the other hangs up their clothes. Would it bother if one did the other while you did the opposite? Decor. Such as bedsheets, art, and flowers. Sharing a bedroom is very hard to do. Most of us have grown up having a bedroom to ourselves, and have mentally painted a picture as to what that room should look like for all eternity. The problem with living with each other in an intimate situation is that there usually is only one bedroom so it's important to talk about this.

 

Okay, this turned out longer than I expected, but I hope it serves its purpose as a guideline. It's definitely what has worked for me, and may vary from person to person. Good luck!

[Tree]

Hey there.

 

As someone who has been cohabitating for 4 years, I can say that it is a challenge. Sometimes rewarding, sometimes challenging. Patience is key here, as is figuring out what you can and can't live with. Paring things down to their essentials, at least at first, can help you deal with the inevitable bumps along the way.

 

A note about the stats.

 

An article (3 months ago?) in a mag (like Time or Newsweek) had an article shedding light on the cohabitation phenom. The single issue I found most interesting was the stat that folks who lived together with the direct intention of getting married have better relationship skills than those who cohabitate without such intentions.

 

As someone who considers herself among the latter group, I can see why. I mean, there are lots of great things about living together, but my guess is that the lack of security, unbudging commitment that at least an informal engagement would have leads one to avoid hashing out of diffictulties. The reason? Your concerns of making things too unpleasant would run the risk of breaking up. After all, if you are *just* GF/BF, then it is comparitively easy to end things when the fun dims and the work begins. So, by lacking the confidence that "we are committed to each other through thick and thin" you avoid conflict; in addition your whole approach to dialogue shifts as well. I mean, if you come across something that you can't stand, the easy way out is simply to re-pack your things and sign a lease. "Hey, I never promised anything" is an easy out.

 

Whereas if you have a firm belief - not just in each other's intentions (of course we think the best of a partner if we want to move in with them!), but of the strong, unflinching foundation and committment to one another, than you haev more stability and confidence to work things out. Thenn it becomes easier to stay true to yourself in addition to create a really strong bond which takes work.

 

Another interesting stat: A large percentage of engagements end without going to the altar for this reason. In addition, the first year of marriage is often the most difficult with highest rate of break-up.

 

Lesson being? Combining two lives ain't easy.

[meablue]

Hopefully this will be of some help-

 

I've lived with several of the men that I have been seriously involved with, and speaking strictly from my own experience there are some things to take into account that are just as (if not more important than) the minutia of your everyday lives together:

 

the biggie: what are each of your intentions? Are you moving in together for economic reasons? Are you looking for a more serious commitment, and if so, to what extent? I feel like once you take the step to move in together, you pretty much are left to becoming "life partners" or getting married, or ending the relationship. It's fairly difficult to go back to dating after cohabitation. Another thing to consider is the need to divide living expenses- is he frivolous with money? Are you? If things didn't work out, would you be willing and able to manage your financial situation alone?

 

Have the two of you ever gotten into fights where one of you storms out- or leaves calmly- but feels the need to get away for a few days- a week- even a night? You completely give up your personal space when you live together. That was always a big change for me. Good luck.