Is It Over???

[Runrchick]

Okay, this is my first post so bare with me!

 

Background Info:

 

I’m 27, he’s 28 (today actually). We’ve been married for 3 ½ years and together for 6.

 

We met in college in May of 2002. He was the perfect package - and more! - for me. He was ambitious, motivated, religious (a little more strict then I'd prefer, but that's okay!), athletic (a BIG thing for me!), active, outgoing, good values, family orientated, respectful, honest, caring, creative, etc etc etc. We fell for each other hard and fast! We both knew “this is it,” “this is the ONE.” We got engaged 3 months later. The engagement was rushed because he was leaving in September to study abroad in Germany for a year. The LDR was tough, but we knew our love was worth it. When he got back, things were different. He was different. He wasn’t as active, didn’t go to church anymore, stopped working out altogether and gained some weight (which left me less attracted to him. Not in a superficial way, but because I’m a competitive runner and working out in general is a HUGE deal to me), was more reserved, didn’t go out of his way to do nice things for me anymore, unmotivated, and overall lethargic… it’s like he lost his “spunk.” Germany was hard for him because of the time he was over there: The war had just broken out while he was there, and there was a lot of anti-American sentiment going on. To the point where they couldn’t even leave their dorms. Plus they lived in an area where there were a lot of neo-Nazis still living. Not a fun time! So I figured that in time we’d work through this and he would get out of his funk.

 

We moved in together after college, and got married in 2005. Things weren’t perfect at the time, but we figured we’d work through them. Our love was strong enough. And eventually things would work out.

 

Well it’s 3 and a half years later and I’m still working on it and waiting for it to get better. He’s never really gotten over his funk. I think it’s just truly who he is now. He’s changed into this different person. And this person is someone I’m not attracted to, and not interested in really. Honestly, if he was back then the person he is today, I wouldn’t have wanted anything romantically to do with him. I’ve struggled with this idea for awhile now. For the longest time I thought it was just me, it was all in my head. I’m the type of person that feels like I can conquer the world, and have the world on my shoulders. I want to fix things and make them work. So when things have been going bad in our relationship, I figured either a) there must be something I can do to fix it, or 2) there must be something I’m doing wrong.

 

I’m a very ambitious and motivated person. I don’t let life pass me by. I try to live my life without regrets. He, on the other hand, is very content and complacent. He is fine with just sitting and letting life pass him by. “There’s nothing I can do about it” is his attitude. In many aspects of his life he’s just “there,” and letting the fate of the world push him around. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but I hope that makes sense.

 

Most of his free time is consumed in computer games. World of Warcraft to be specific. At first I didn’t mind him having an activity of his own to occupy his time. It’s like his hobby, who am I to take that away from him? But his hobby consumes all his time now. And for me, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how someone could just sit in a computer room all hours of the day and play a silly game!!

 

All in all, my problem doesn’t seem like it’s really a big deal. And that’s what’s driving me crazy! I should be happy! He’s not a bad guy – he doesn’t verbally or physically abuse me, he’s never cheated on me, etc. It doesn’t seem like anything to get divorced over!! And yet, I’m extremely unhappy!! I feel like I’m letting myself down by being with him. And yet, I’d let him down if I left.

 

Do I feel like I’ve done 100% everything in my power to make it work? It sure feels like it! I’ve communicated everything with him. I’ve told him the tough stuff that he probably doesn’t want to hear, but needs to hear anything. We’ve talked about it for years now! We’ve tried to make compromises, try new things to fix our relationships, etc. Nothing works to make me feel any better! Nothing really sticks. It’s like we try and then after awhile it all goes to the wayside.

 

In October I finally convinced him to go to MC (actually, it’s more like I tricked him… I told him I was going into C for myself and that my C wanted to meet him to learn more about him. That eventually turned into MC. If it wasn’t for doing that, I know I wouldn’t have gotten him into MC whatsoever! He was very opposed to it). We tried a lot of different things in MC, but nothing really ever worked. I don’t want to place blame on him because I know it takes both of us to make a relationship, but in MC he’d be really committed to our “homework” activities, and then when we got home he’d just blow it off. It almost seemed like lip service. The biggest thing I learned in MC though is that I’ve actually been pretty unhappy for a very long time. I was just ignoring it and lying to myself about it. For the first time I realized I was unhappy and that wasn’t necessarily my fault. I went into MC trying to fix my marriage and make things better, and went out of it thinking seriously about divorce.

 

Things really blew up in April. I started doing more things on my own because I was tired of being dragged down and held back (started hanging out with my friends more, joined a triathlon club, etc). He started to get insecure and worried. Soon I found out that he had started reading all my emails. And not just that, he dug really deep… He was reading through my spam folders, deleted files, you name it. I felt so violated. Any private or personal thoughts I had were private no more. It was like he opened my brain and looked at it without letting me know. Not only did he read my emails, but he also read my text messages and call log, checked my internet browser history and visited all the sites I visited. He logged into my myspace and facebook accounts. He even read through my instant messenger log… something that I didn’t even know existed!! You name it, and he read it! It’s not like I had anything to hide either. What he found out through all his snooping is that everything I wrote matched everything I was telling him. But all trust for me was lost. I nearly divorced him right then and there. But I didn’t want to go through with a D when I wasn’t 100% sure I had tried everything in my power to save my marriage. We talked a LOT about the privacy and trust issues, and in the end I once AGAIN decided to give him another shot. He said he was at his lowest of his lows, and he’ll never do anything like that again to me.

 

Between April and now, things had gotten a little better. I’ve noticed more of an effort from him. But lately it’s slipping. Again. I can see the cycle starting. He’s playing his game more, being far less attentive, etc. 2 weeks ago I realized that I’m truly unhappy. I tried to suppress my feelings to try to make it work, but I’m just not feeling it. My true feelings are starting to seep out again. I can’t keep faking it. I’ve read people say “Fake it until you make it.” I understand that theory, and it’s definitely something we’ve tried (or at least I’ve tried. He’s fine with the way things are in our relationship as it is). But is there a point where you just can’t keep faking it anymore!??? If so, how do I know I’m there. Because I sure feel like I don’t have the energy to keep faking it anymore.

 

I feel like I’m emotionally checked out of this relationship. And if I’m honest, I have been for awhile. Our sex life is nonexistent for me – we sleep together like every other week, but it’s 100% for him and he knows it. I just do it to get him off my back. I stare at the ceiling, zone out, etc until he’s done. I’m just not attracted to him. It’s easier for me to let him do his thing then deal with him bugging me all the time about it. I don’t like to have sex if it’s emotionally not there for me. I’ve told him this a million times. He tells me he’s a guy and “needs” it, then thanks me afterwards. You’re welcome?

 

So all in all I’m really unhappy. My heart feels heavy. I feel like I’m being held back and weighed down. I’m so sad. So how do I know if it’s over? Am I supposed to keep fighting forever, even if the fight in me is gone??? Am I supposed to be unfulfilled forever? Or should I try to move on? I know it would crush him if I left him. Wouldn’t that be extremely selfish of me?? What if there’s nobody else out there, and he’s the “best” I can get? Then if I leave him it’d be the biggest mistake of my life. My marriage vows mean so much to me. It’s like if this doesn’t work out, then what? What’s real then?? Also, what do I tell people about why I got divorced? “He didn’t beat me or cheat on me or any of that. Nope, I just wasn’t feeling it” ?????? Yeah right!

 

These are all questions I’m struggling with right now. I figured I’d turn to a forum to see what other people have to say. I feel very alone. I don’t know of anyone in real life who’s been in this situation, so I can’t get any feedback that relates to my case. I know that I’m the only one that can make a decision about this, but I think it would be helpful to hear from some people who might have been in the same situation. I could really use some help. I also want to know if I’m alone in how I feel, and if I’m just being selfish.

 

Thanks in advance!

RC

 

 

PS - I don’t feel like I’ve fully explained this very well. How do you sum up your entire relationship and married life in one forum post? So please ask questions so I can clarify some things if needed. Thanks!

[elder3310]

I may not be the best person to reply since I am trying to work things out with my wife too. Different issues than yours but still heartbreaking. If I have any advice it would be to tell you that if your not happy and you have honestly been compromising and trying to work things out and you dont see things getting better and if he is not willing to work on self improvment and you are. Then you should break it off. If there is one thing I know its that it takes both persons working their butt off at a relationship to break out of a funk. You didnt mention kids so I assume there are no kids. Although breaking off a marriage is a hell of a thing it better now then 10 years from now when you may have kids and still feel the same way.

 

I tell you being happy is something everyone deserves even if it means hearbreak.

[LostHusband]

I can't believe I am saying this - since reading your post sounds like what might have been going on in my own wife's head before she left me (she was unhappy and I thought everything was fine with us) but you may have to leave/separate from your husband to get him to "wake up". I know I woke up big time when my wife told me she was done with our marriage. Unfortunately at that point it was too late. If she would have told me she wanted out when she wanted our marriage to work, it would have at least stood a chance. I had no idea how much I loved my wife until she was gone. Your husband might feel the same way, or he might not - if not then I guess it won't work either way.

[Runrchick]

Thanks for the quick response, elder. Yeah, I forgot to mention we have no kids (thankfully). Although I've ALWAYS wanted kids (pretty bad actually!), he has never been able to commit to it. He says he wants to start a family, but his attitude when I bring it up is like "Yeah. sure. that's fine. I don't care." I really don't want to have kids with someone when his attitude is like that, you know??

 

The worst part about how I feel is that it's like he doesn't have a clue. In his mind, things are just fine. So even talking about divorce is hard for me. I don't want to hurt him. Plus, like I said, he's not a terrible guy, just not the same person I fell in love with. So how do I end a marriage when he's not a bad guy and really it's just me being unhappy.

 

I feel so selfish!

 

 

PS - I talked to him in April about separation, but yet again that's not an option for him. It's all or nothing he says.

[elder3310]

I wish I had the answer for you. You must be honest about your feelings though. The whole idea of staying with him because he is a good guy will only last for a while then you will begin to resent him or even hate him because of your unhappiness. It sounds like you are trying and it even sounds like he is a little. Maybe you take a couple of weeks away to make him think about it. Guys always sound tough and give ultimatums but if he loves you he will realize making you happy is top priority.

 

Hang in there.

[TrustInYourself]

That's tough to read. I see myself in your husband.

 

Does he know how you feel? Does he know how you've checked out emotionally?

 

Actions speak louder than words. Let your actions reflect your emotional mindset?

 

You noticed he changed before when you started doing your own thing? Start doing your own thing again. If you have to end it, end it. Make him eat his ultimatum.

 

If he wants to manipulate you through inaction, manipulate him through action on your part.

[Runrchick]

That's tough to read. I see myself in your husband.

 

Does he know how you feel? Does he know how you've checked out emotionally?

 

Actions speak louder than words. Let your actions reflect your emotional mindset?

 

You noticed he changed before when you started doing your own thing? Start doing your own thing again. If you have to end it, end it. Make him eat his ultimatum.

 

If he wants to manipulate you through inaction, manipulate him through action on your part.

 

TIY, Thanks for the response!!

 

I think at one point he knew that I had emotionally checked out, but then I had checked back in, so to speak, since April to give it another shot. It's more recently that I've really started to give up. So you think I need to go back to being distant with him again and doing my own thing?

 

Also, what do you mean I should make him eat his ultimatum? His whole "all or nothing" attitude? How do you think he's manipulating me with his inaction? What do you mean by that?

 

I really am beating myself up over this. It's interesting to hear people tell me to leave him. I figure that I'd just be selfish and really be essentially giving up on him. At least that's how I feel anyways. Especially since in reality the home life isn't too bad. It's just that he feels like a friend only.

 

Again, I really appreciate your input!

[TrustInYourself]

TIY, Thanks for the response!!

 

I think at one point he knew that I had emotionally checked out, but then I had checked back in, so to speak, since April to give it another shot. It's more recently that I've really started to give up. So you think I need to go back to being distant with him again and doing my own thing?

 

Also, what do you mean I should make him eat his ultimatum? His whole "all or nothing" attitude? How do you think he's manipulating me with his inaction? What do you mean by that?

 

I really am beating myself up over this. It's interesting to hear people tell me to leave him. I figure that I'd just be selfish and really be essentially giving up on him. At least that's how I feel anyways. Especially since in reality the home life isn't too bad. It's just that he feels like a friend only.

 

Again, I really appreciate your input!

 

I'd address why you can check in and check out. If it's a matter of his behavior, that's out of your control. Understanding how your actions and reactions affect the situation is something you can do to responsibly understand why he's behaving the way he is.

 

I think the only right thing is to focus on your life and your happiness. That seemed to generate a change in him in the past. Keep in mind, it may not be the change you expect, but generally people respond to consequences.

 

As far as his ultimatum? Did he mean it or was it means for controlling the situation? Are you prepared to call him on his bluff? If it was me, I'd call the bluff because it's time things changed for the better for both of you. It's really a matter of perspective.

 

I think the hardest part about the situation is you're focused on him. That's going to sap your energy and resolve to work on things. Focus on yourself. Do the things you enjoy. I think with time and patience he will come around.

 

Feed him breadcrumbs. Let him figure out himself. Let him struggle to find himself.

 

I'm not advocating for you to leave the marriage. I think it's important that since you decided to marry him, you found something fundamentally attractive in him. That man still exists inside. It's just a matter of whether or not your husband wants to be that man you fell in love with.

 

Motivate him by motivating yourself. Be honest to yourself about the situation and address the issues with him. Put your happiness first, because no one else is going to make you happy. No man has that power. It has to come from the inside.

 

Don't punish him, be understanding with him. Hopefully, he will recognize that he needs to change.

 

Bleh, hope that wasn't too long.

[Runrchick]

Thanks again for the response!!

 

As far as being able to check in and check out... What it really comes down to was that I was very close to leaving. He finally saw that I meant business so to speak. It's like he had his "lightbulb" moment, and I could tell it meant something to him. So, at that point (which was in April), I told him I needed to make a decision: to stay or leave. He understood and gave me some space to think about it. He of course promised me the world if I'd stay. I told him that no matter what choice I decided to make, I was going to go at it 100%. No wishy-washy crap. So, I decided that in order to be fair to myself, I needed to know that I had done EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. So I decided, one more time, to give it a go. And this is the only time I tried my damnedest to actually shed my previous frustrations with him. At least I feel like I tried my best to do that.

 

Now it's like those frustrations are coming flooding back in for no particular reason, and I can't keep suppressing them. I wanted to give him a fair shot to show me that he would try to make us work. And I honestly think he did. But to me, his efforts just haven't been enough. My MC actually told me I need to lower my standards for him. Is that true?!?!? I sure hope not, doesn't seem right for some reason!! But I think that's what I ended up doing from April until now. And yet again, I'm still deeply unhappy. Ugh!

 

I think about us and I just get sad and depressed. I hate this! :'(

[Runrchick]

One more question that I keep forgetting to ask/bring up...

 

I feel awful saying this, but for awhile now I've been envisioning myself with other guys. Nothing serious (as in nobody in particular or not cheating or anything), but it's like I can't help wondering what it would be like with someone else. Just random thoughts, nothing more. I catch myself checking other guys out, noticing things that I don't have and wish I did have (for example: I wish I was with someone more outgoing, someone that going along better with my family, had the same values I do, worked out, etc etc etc). I find myself actually looking at other guys a bit differently now. It's like if I come across a guy that fits some of those traits I go "Hmmmm, he seems nice..." and then I stop myself from thinking anything more because I remember I'm married, you know? I know it's a part of being mentally checked out of this relationship, but it really REALLY bugs me!!

 

Is this normal?? Am I a terrible person for having these thoughts???? Please help!!

[LostHusband]

 

 

PS - I talked to him in April about separation, but yet again that's not an option for him. It's all or nothing he says.

 

I'm not sure I understand that - it's not like you can just come home with a piece of paper and all of a sudden *bam* you're divorced. Divorces take time and you either have to let him know and keep living with him or you have to get separated. Some states even require a one year separation before they will grant a divorce. So separation HAS to be an option, unless you want to keep living together right up until the divorce is final - and then what? You pack up and leave the same day?

 

On your last post about other guys - thats a tough one to reply to, because its like I'm reading my wife's mind. She clearly had those exact thoughts and even acted on them creating "friendships" that never should have happened to a married woman. It's part of the process - people tend to always look for love when they aren't feeling it.

[pelicanpreacher]

For you to be sure that you've done everything you could to achieve the marriage of your dreams I believe that you need to go back to reprogram and undo his experiences abroad. It seems to me that while living in Germany during a very tumultuous, frightening, and, maybe even dangerous time of isolation he felt may have compelled him to become less outspoken, outgoing, and wary of others around him. Compound this with the prevalent "Euroangst Grunge" environment and the "Anti-American" sentiment regularly fomented by the local citizenry your husband, in his need to fit and blend in, may have aligned his mind and mentality to their "world view"! If this is what occurred then the length of time he spent in Europe may have allowed this outlook to become fairly ingrained to his psyche.

 

I'm wondering if he is suffering from some form of PTDS and could be treated for his seeming depression to restore his mindset back to his previous state of being prior to his leaving for Germany. If not you may have to adhere to your MC's advice to lower your standards in acquiescence to communicate on his level or make a decision as to whether you can live with the lethargic mindset he currently displays while still finding happiness solely within yourself.

[Runrchick]

I had never really thought about the separation before divorce issue. You're right... it's not like we'd live together up until the divorce is final!! I think when I mentioned it to him I presented it like "I need some space, let's try this and see if we realize we are/are not right for each other," etc. I'll have to really put some thought into separation again. In my mind, it seems like the logical next step. Then again, I have no idea!!

 

As far as him changing his psyche in Germany... you hit the nail on the head! At least, that's what I've been thinking for the last 4+ years since he's been back. However, it's like I can't snap him out of it. for 4 years I tried to convince him to go to counciling. He kept denying that anything was wrong and said he was fine. Only once I "tricked" him into going to MC did he actually start talking to a counciler. He also got on meds for depression. He says things are fine and all better now... he explains it as he "has more energy, enjoys things more, etc." Yet his actions don't really show it.

 

I've been through depression before. I understand that you may not realize how severe it is until you seriously get help. I explain this to my husband and he continues to tell me he's feeling great. So within the last year or some is when I've had the serious doubts that he'll really change back or get out of this funk. Through MC is when I realized that maybe this is just who he is now. And he's okay with it. And that's fine... it's just not good enough for me!

 

Regarding the lowering of my standards... I feel like from April until now that is exactly what I've done. Yet I'm still left confused and unhappy!!

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks again for the response!!

 

As far as being able to check in and check out... What it really comes down to was that I was very close to leaving. He finally saw that I meant business so to speak. It's like he had his "lightbulb" moment, and I could tell it meant something to him. So, at that point (which was in April), I told him I needed to make a decision: to stay or leave. He understood and gave me some space to think about it. He of course promised me the world if I'd stay. I told him that no matter what choice I decided to make, I was going to go at it 100%. No wishy-washy crap. So, I decided that in order to be fair to myself, I needed to know that I had done EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. So I decided, one more time, to give it a go. And this is the only time I tried my damnedest to actually shed my previous frustrations with him. At least I feel like I tried my best to do that.

 

Now it's like those frustrations are coming flooding back in for no particular reason, and I can't keep suppressing them. I wanted to give him a fair shot to show me that he would try to make us work. And I honestly think he did. But to me, his efforts just haven't been enough. My MC actually told me I need to lower my standards for him. Is that true?!?!? I sure hope not, doesn't seem right for some reason!! But I think that's what I ended up doing from April until now. And yet again, I'm still deeply unhappy. Ugh!

 

I think about us and I just get sad and depressed. I hate this! :'(

 

Anyone can make a promise, but until that person makes good on those promises through actions/behaviors/mindset, they are just words. Your heart tells you that you deserve more from your relationship. Well, then you probably do deserve more!

 

How are you communicating your feelings about the relationship? What actions are you taking? What works? Is he responding? Is he listening? Maybe he's not listening. I didn't listen. I didn't know how to. I didn't even bother learning or trying to listen until I really understood that my marriage was on the line. He needs to understand you mean business.

 

As far as expectations, you definitely do not need to lower them. Those expectations are part of who you are and what you desire from the person you love. If your husband truly loves and understands you and is your equal, he will do his damn best to meet those expectations.

 

It's difficult for me, since I was the husband. Role reversal. I know that caring, understanding, and patience helped me realize what I was losing. I know that my wife made it easy for me to make the changes I needed to make.

 

Communicate, be open, air the dirty laundry.

[TrustInYourself]

One more question that I keep forgetting to ask/bring up...

 

I feel awful saying this, but for awhile now I've been envisioning myself with other guys. Nothing serious (as in nobody in particular or not cheating or anything), but it's like I can't help wondering what it would be like with someone else. Just random thoughts, nothing more. I catch myself checking other guys out, noticing things that I don't have and wish I did have (for example: I wish I was with someone more outgoing, someone that going along better with my family, had the same values I do, worked out, etc etc etc). I find myself actually looking at other guys a bit differently now. It's like if I come across a guy that fits some of those traits I go "Hmmmm, he seems nice..." and then I stop myself from thinking anything more because I remember I'm married, you know? I know it's a part of being mentally checked out of this relationship, but it really REALLY bugs me!!

 

Is this normal?? Am I a terrible person for having these thoughts???? Please help!!

 

This is normal as well. My wife expressed the same feelings. That's what happens when your husband is acting like a douchebag. lol. You certainly wouldn't be having these feelings if your husband was the man you fell in love with. The man from college who owned those social situations, was active and outgoing, who made you feel like he was the only man in the world for you.

 

Just don't act on them. Be patient with your husband. Set the wheels in motion. Get some space for him to understand that you are seriously ready to move on with your life.

[Lizzie60]

My advice: leave him... you are both still very young and you can both redo your life..

 

move on.. your love for him will NOT come back.. it's gone.. you're lucky that you had no kids.. that makes things easier for both of you.

[Owl]

For a change, I agree with Lizzie.

 

You've clearly communicated your boundaries, and your emotional needs.

 

He's not meeting them.

 

You don't have children that would be devestated by a divorce.

 

File for divorce...do it BEFORE you slip up and sleep with someone else. Don't cheat on him...end the marriage before it gets to that point.

 

If you're confidant that you've done all that you can, and he's still not getting it...there's no reason to remain married to someone when its not working.

 

And people say I'm a "save the marriage at all costs" kinda guy...LOL!

[pelicanpreacher]

I think you've fallen for his lip service too long for, if all it takes to pacify you are a few words, then he's lowballing your price for satisfaction. You may have to take the initiative in getting him to become more active by planning athletic activities that you can both do together like biking up a mountain or something. If the meds are working as prescribed then sooner or later his body will become more aclimated to heavy excersion which will eliminate the need for prescription drugs while still providing momentum in his mindset to do more with you on his own!

 

Remember, that he became more sedentary and possibly got hooked on computer games as a consequence of the introversion he experienced while in Europe. Getting back into good physical condition may, therefore, be a bit difficult so show him the same patience you would any other novice who wants to get fit again!

[LovesNotEnough]

This is my first post here and I am a lot older than you but I have been there. Yours sounds like a younger version of my marriage. Wanna waste 19 years like I did trying to make it work? Have a lifetime of on-and-off satisfaction? You are not being fair to yourself. You are overly concerned with him - someone you cannot change.

 

My advice? Leave. Go on with your life before you loose yourself. You cannot change him, only he can. It sounds like you have made it clear what you need now it's up to him to be it...or not. I know it's complicated. I know it's hard to hurt someone else. But you are his wife, not his mother. It is not your job or duty to make him grow up, get over himself and be your husband. That's HIS job, his duty. He needs a wakeup call, not more 'giving in' on your part.

Good luck, my heart hurts for you. And him.

[Runrchick]

You may have to take the initiative in getting him to become more active by planning athletic activities that you can both do together like biking up a mountain or something. If the meds are working as prescribed then sooner or later his body will become more aclimated to heavy excersion which will eliminate the need for prescription drugs while still providing momentum in his mindset to do more with you on his own!

 

Yeah, I've tried to get him to be active with me. In all honesty, I'm the one usually driving anything we do that's active. Like I said, it's like I live my life and he's content to just follow along in my shadows. Working out, just like everything else he does, tends to dwindle after a few attempts. Nothing ever sticks long term!!

 

 

But you are his wife, not his mother. It is not your job or duty to make him grow up, get over himself and be your husband. That's HIS job, his duty. He needs a wakeup call, not more 'giving in' on your part.

 

Wow, you sound just like me! LOL. I've said so many times that I feel like his mom and not his wife that I could scream!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Since you don't have children, it's better to get out now. Why spend a lifetime with someone who isn't right for you? Each of you deserve a chance at real love, so for your own sanity, get a divorce. If you don't, you'll end up cheating on him or he'll cheat on you, and you'll both be miserable.

[pelicanpreacher]

One thing I noticed was when he thought you were having an affair he leapt into action (albiet to your chagrin by snooping) which leads me to believe that if you use this card judiciously every time he falters by wandering back into his own world then maybe he'll come to understand just how much he stands to lose. Although this tactic is highly manipulative on your part I don't see where you have anything to lose by laying playing this card now since you're already unhappy enough to consider divorce! Consider this to be your last ditch effort before the fat lady sings.

[Runrchick]

UPDATE!!

 

So yesterday out of the blue I got an email from him saying that he's noticing that I've been more distant over the last few weeks. He also told me that he knows that there's a lot of things that he wants to do to improve himself. It was actually a really long, well written email from him.

 

Here's the thing... I can't help but keep thinking things like "Okay, here we go again!", "Been there, done that!", and "Yeah right!". I also can't help but wonder if he's somehow gotten hold of my emails again since the last time he was so 'intuitive' on how I felt it was because he read my private thoughts. I'm pretty sure he hasn't read them, but the thought is still there!!

 

While it is nice to see he cares, my initial gut reaction is "here we go again." I'm so tired of lip service. The things he told me he wants to work on for himself are things like "Be more social, drop 40 pounds, be more interesting, active, hardworking," etc etc. (Funny how they line up exactly with some of the emails I've been writing to my friends lately. Hell, who knows, maybe he somehow found out about this forum too and is now reading this!). Anyways, what's frustrating is that he's said all these things countless times. He says this time it will be different this time because now his goal is to make a long-term goal and stick with it. We'll see i guess.

 

The most frustrating part to me is that whenever he starts to make promisies is only after things get rocky. It's good that he notices (hopefully on his own) that I'm being more distant lately, but it's so dang frustrating that he tries to make changes when he's RE-acting to my actions. That's how it always is... I get pissed, distant, break down crying, etc, and THEN he starts to promise to be a better huband and fix it.

 

Is that wrong of me for not being more excited that he's at least trying?!??

 

......

 

Maybe it's me being resentful as someone in a previous post stated. It's like I'm so unhappy that I can't even see his attempts to make things better. All I see is more empty promises. I know that I could be setting him up for failure just by not believing in him, but I've heard this so many times - gone through this cycle so many times - that I just have a hard time believing in him anymore!!

 

What do you guys think? Is it more of his BS? Or should I somehow try to muster up what's last of my patience and give this another shot, see if he follows through, etc??

 

GRRRR!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated and confused!!!

[SingleDad]

I am a strong proponent of trying to save marriages... yours is certainly not hopeless - actually quite likely of being saved if you both want it... divorce is like going through hell and back.

 

I'd like to see him proactively win your heart back - let him do his self-improvement and see if it sticks.

 

You are married by the way - it is not a boyfriend that you just break up with when things aren't working. You each make a committment to each other through good times and bad.

 

Communicate with him in a way that is not nagging or demanding - go to marriage counseling - and see if he really is making an effort to improve the marriage.

 

Men so often seem to be on auto-pilot without realizing things are bad... they need to realize they need to go back to manual control and be pro-active when things are not working.

[Runrchick]

I am a strong proponent of trying to save marriages... yours is certainly not hopeless - actually quite likely of being saved if you both want it... divorce is like going through hell and back.

 

I'd like to see him proactively win your heart back - let him do his self-improvement and see if it sticks.

 

You are married by the way - it is not a boyfriend that you just break up with when things aren't working. You each make a committment to each other through good times and bad.

 

Communicate with him in a way that is not nagging or demanding - go to marriage counseling - and see if he really is making an effort to improve the marriage.

 

Men so often seem to be on auto-pilot without realizing things are bad... they need to realize they need to go back to manual control and be pro-active when things are not working.

 

 

Thanks for your response! I can't help but think you might not have read all my posts though... we have done the MC thing, he's tried (and failed) many times to attempt to win my heart back, I have been open and honest with him and ALWAYS communicated my feelings to him, etc etc etc.

 

Just wanted to clarify!