Is It Over???

[TrustInYourself]

UPDATE!!

 

So yesterday out of the blue I got an email from him saying that he's noticing that I've been more distant over the last few weeks. He also told me that he knows that there's a lot of things that he wants to do to improve himself. It was actually a really long, well written email from him.

 

Here's the thing... I can't help but keep thinking things like "Okay, here we go again!", "Been there, done that!", and "Yeah right!". I also can't help but wonder if he's somehow gotten hold of my emails again since the last time he was so 'intuitive' on how I felt it was because he read my private thoughts. I'm pretty sure he hasn't read them, but the thought is still there!!

 

While it is nice to see he cares, my initial gut reaction is "here we go again." I'm so tired of lip service. The things he told me he wants to work on for himself are things like "Be more social, drop 40 pounds, be more interesting, active, hardworking," etc etc. (Funny how they line up exactly with some of the emails I've been writing to my friends lately. Hell, who knows, maybe he somehow found out about this forum too and is now reading this!). Anyways, what's frustrating is that he's said all these things countless times. He says this time it will be different this time because now his goal is to make a long-term goal and stick with it. We'll see i guess.

 

The most frustrating part to me is that whenever he starts to make promisies is only after things get rocky. It's good that he notices (hopefully on his own) that I'm being more distant lately, but it's so dang frustrating that he tries to make changes when he's RE-acting to my actions. That's how it always is... I get pissed, distant, break down crying, etc, and THEN he starts to promise to be a better huband and fix it.

 

Is that wrong of me for not being more excited that he's at least trying?!??

 

......

 

Maybe it's me being resentful as someone in a previous post stated. It's like I'm so unhappy that I can't even see his attempts to make things better. All I see is more empty promises. I know that I could be setting him up for failure just by not believing in him, but I've heard this so many times - gone through this cycle so many times - that I just have a hard time believing in him anymore!!

 

What do you guys think? Is it more of his BS? Or should I somehow try to muster up what's last of my patience and give this another shot, see if he follows through, etc??

 

GRRRR!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated and confused!!!

 

Unless you see quantitive action, it's nothing more than talk. Who is he changing for? Ask him that? Tell him you're not staying even if he changes, then gauge his reaction. Set a personal timeline where you can focus on your own happiness.

 

Review his changes only if you feel like giving him that second chance, maybe six months down the line. With no hope for recovery, many men and women would just walk away. If he's serious about you and serious about change, then he won't just be paying you lip service. He will make the necessary adjustments in his life to earn your respect and love.

[pelicanpreacher]

Here is your golden opportunity to transform him back to the man you want.

 

1st. Demand that he engage intensive psychotherapy to reprogram his attitude issues.

 

2nd. You set goals for his conditioning and weight loss under a physician's supervision.

 

3rd. Make him get rid of all of his video games and require him to read books on relationships that you'd like to discuss with him.

 

4th. Give him the same ultimatum he gave you "All or nothing"!

[TrustInYourself]

Here is your golden opportunity to transform him back to the man you want.

 

1st. Demand that he engage intensive psychotherapy to reprogram his attitude issues.

 

2nd. You set goals for his conditioning and weight loss under a physician's supervision.

 

3rd. Make him get rid of all of his video games and require him to read books on relationships that you'd like to discuss with him.

 

4th. Give him the same ultimatum he gave you "All or nothing"!

 

I concur. You may want to live in separate households as well. That should allow him to understand that you are not just playing, you are moving forward with your life. If he wants to be a part of that move forward, he needs to identify with the person you fell in love with.

[Runrchick]

3rd. Make him get rid of all of his video games and require him to read books on relationships that you'd like to discuss with him.

 

Ha ha... that will NEVER happen. We have gone around and around about his stupid video games that you would not believe. You'd think that if it came between his wife and his video games that naturally he'd choose his wife. Nope. I've never told him that it's me or the game, but we've fought so much about it that he knows how I feel. I'd say it comes up a least 3-5 times a week (so like every other day on average!). You would not believe how many hours a week he plays the stupid thing. It's like it's his life. He cares more about not letting down his online "friends" then he does about letting his wife down. Sad, isn't it???

 

So I honestly don't think this is an option. He's pretty much made it clear to me which is more important (through his actions at least. His words say that he won't play as much, he puts me first, blah blah blah... but when it comes down to it, that never happens).

 

Is it time for me to tell him it's me or the game? The problem with that is that he says it's his "hobby" and what he likes to do to relax. I feel like it'd be the same as him telling me that I gotta choose between him and running. I think it would make him so unhappy and miserable. That's why I've never told him to give one up or the other. Is it time to do that though?

 

(For the record, he didn't play this game before we got married because it wasn't out yet. So this characteristic in him hadn't developed yet when we got married).

[Billy Bob]

Is it time for me to tell him it's me or the game?

 

Yep. Tell him it's the game or me.. just like any other addiction.. drugs or alchohol.. He doesn't realize he has a problem.

 

I'd put it on the line, tell him he deletes his accounts and focuses on the marriage or you are gone.. immediatley. You can surely find a guy who would choose you over a video game.

 

If he won't do that for you...why do you want him? Go find someone who puts the marriage first.

[azucarchulita]

Hey RC,

I'm so "glad" that you and I are not alone...I'm going to have to piggyback on your post (which is actually my very first post!) to say that I'm in a similiar situation as you, sans the marriage, but with a similiar type of man. Like you, I'm 27 and he's 33. We've been together (and living together) for 5+ years and the key reason why we're not officially married is because we'd like to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. HOWEVER...there's a side of me that says "Thank God!" we're not married because things have been downhill, pretty much after the 1-2 years. I am still by his side because there are still some factors that I love about him. But understand that it's 'factors' that make him, him. It's NOT factors that make our relationship work. I find him very unattentive, slightly unattractive with some extra lbs. over the years (lazy), we don't have fun conversations (more arguements), and he always feel like he's the victim whenever I voice out my unhappiness. (Oh and yes I've said my goodbyes to my sex life long ago.) Plain and simple: we are not on the same page, yet we 'love' each other?!?! Mind you, this is not the person he was when we first met. He was "the one", the perfect match. I really don't know what went wrong after the first two years. He claims that his chronic sinusitis condition has been taking a toll on him; something that is extremely painful on his face/nose and he's unable to smell for YEARS. He has tried hundreds of docs, but he hasn't found a cure and he's afraid to get an operation. I know he's suffering physically and emotionally but, SO am I! I've been trying to be patient. I've been supporting him. I am trying to be understanding of his condition, but the relationship is so painful to be in. Like you, RC, I really feel like I have tried everything. I am not afraid to communicate how I feel (well after I have been bottling it up for bit), I try my best to look at his positives, I'm try to always suggest activities to do together, etc. I'm even seeing a psychotherapist to see if it's MY fault for the relationship's unhappiness.

 

To sum it up, we're both good people and I love him, but not in love with him anymore. I do want this to work, but it's just too hard. I'm afraid to live on my own (and don't want to face my family's "I told you so's"). I don't want to seem like failure. I dont' want to hurt him. I'm really lost.

 

Help

[pelicanpreacher]

Ha ha... that will NEVER happen. We have gone around and around about his stupid video games that you would not believe. You'd think that if it came between his wife and his video games that naturally he'd choose his wife. Nope. I've never told him that it's me or the game, but we've fought so much about it that he knows how I feel. I'd say it comes up a least 3-5 times a week (so like every other day on average!). You would not believe how many hours a week he plays the stupid thing. It's like it's his life. He cares more about not letting down his online "friends" then he does about letting his wife down. Sad, isn't it???

 

So I honestly don't think this is an option. He's pretty much made it clear to me which is more important (through his actions at least. His words say that he won't play as much, he puts me first, blah blah blah... but when it comes down to it, that never happens).

 

Is it time for me to tell him it's me or the game? The problem with that is that he says it's his "hobby" and what he likes to do to relax. I feel like it'd be the same as him telling me that I gotta choose between him and running. I think it would make him so unhappy and miserable. That's why I've never told him to give one up or the other. Is it time to do that though?

 

(For the record, he didn't play this game before we got married because it wasn't out yet. So this characteristic in him hadn't developed yet when we got married).

 

Ahhhhh! My last post was just a "feel around" to get to the crux of your situation. Methinks that hubby dabbled in gaming of some sort long before you got married and stress triggers occurring during the marriage may have reawakened this past demon. If you refuse to set strict boundaries with dire consequences on this issue then expect to be run over by his tanks, planes, and automobiles. Your attitude of compromise is actually the enabling factor that ensures your unhappiness. If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything so MAKE YOUR STAND!

[Gunny376]

Ahhhhh! My last post was just a "feel around" to get to the crux of your situation. Methinks that hubby dabbled in gaming of some sort long before you got married and stress triggers occurring during the marriage may have reawakened this past demon. If you refuse to set strict boundaries with dire consequences on this issue then expect to be run over by his tanks, planes, and automobiles. Your attitude of compromise is actually the enabling factor that ensures your unhappiness. If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything so MAKE YOUR STAND!

 

"Gaming" the new addiction and escape from one's day to day reality!

[TrustInYourself]

Gaming was the number one reason my wife left me.

 

The games are an addiction like alcohol. Until the games stop, he will be blind to the impact it is having on your relationship.

 

I did not understand until after my wife moved out of the house, the extent of how much damage that game does.

 

Keep in mind, I made the realization of what was important to me. Some men can not and never will, due to the addictive nature of the games.

 

MMORPGs especially. World of Warcrack. Lineage 2. They all have different names, same factor of addiction.

[hannafanna13]

azucarchulita I'm with you. I love my husband, but not the way I used to. I care about him and want the best for him, but not sure if I want to be with him.

 

Hanna

[SingleDad]

hannafanna and azucarchulita - you may want to post your own threads if you want comments on your situations.

 

I find it so sad how so many marriages come to this point (including mine) - people become unhappy with their marriages because the daily mundane routine of life takes over and one or both spouses do not communicate well anymore, do not give each other enough love and attention, then feelings of love diminish over time - the love bank empties. Even the physical attraction is gone - when oftenit is the lack of love and hte hard feelings inside that prevents the attraction anymore.

 

Seems lie there should be a required reading course when things fall apart... kind of like driver's ed class when you get a speeding ticket.

[LakesideDream]

I'm not sure I understand that - it's not like you can just come home with a piece of paper and all of a sudden *bam* you're divorced. Divorces take time and you either have to let him know and keep living with him or you have to get separated. Some states even require a one year separation before they will grant a divorce. So separation HAS to be an option, unless you want to keep living together right up until the divorce is final - and then what? You pack up and leave the same day?

 

 

 

Not everywhere! My divorce took 72 hours from filing to decree. The clerk bemoaned when I turned in the papers that if I'd arrived to deliver them an hour earlier she could have had them signed immediately. As it was I had to wait the weekend.

 

No seperation, no nuttin... just BAM! Divorce.

[BCCA]

Not everywhere! My divorce took 72 hours from filing to decree. The clerk bemoaned when I turned in the papers that if I'd arrived to deliver them an hour earlier she could have had them signed immediately. As it was I had to wait the weekend.

 

No seperation, no nuttin... just BAM! Divorce.

 

It all depened on what state you're in, but I have heard of divorces being filed and finalized within a day or two.

[LostHusband]

Not everywhere! My divorce took 72 hours from filing to decree. The clerk bemoaned when I turned in the papers that if I'd arrived to deliver them an hour earlier she could have had them signed immediately. As it was I had to wait the weekend.

 

No seperation, no nuttin... just BAM! Divorce.

 

Lucky you!

[Runrchick]

Another UPDATE!!

 

I asked him to give up his gaming and he said yes. So on Saturday he quick his games. It makes me feel bad since it's such a big part of him, but I figure I'm more important. He was actually the one to mention it and didn't even have to think twice about it. He said I'm more important. Why the heck couldn't he have had this attitude years ago?? I should always be number 1!

 

Anyways, we'll see how it goes. I'm glad he made the right choice. Now that he'll have more time to focus his energies in a positive way, I want to see what happens. If for some reason we still don't get along (AKA he doesn't become that "perfect man" for me again), then there's really nothing more that I can do.

 

Again, thanks so much for all of your inputs! Those of you that have dealt with the gaming issue.... did he ever go back to playing, or is it all or none and that's the way it has to be. I don't want to tell him that maybe one day he can start playing again if in the end it will make things worse...

[Owl]

Gaming is a massive addiction.

 

He's not going to be able to give it up easily, and he's going to need something POSITIVE to fill that time with.

 

What steps are you taking to HELP him deal with this?

 

I know of what I speak...my wife nearly left me for a man she met online via an MMORPG.

[Maladjusted]

I played video games almost every night for the past several years. Never did the World of Warcraft though.

 

I know that when I gave up video games it showed my wife that I was serious about making changes that needed to be made in my life and for our marriage. I am sure that when she envisioned marriage she didn't intend on being to some Xbox playing dweeb.

 

I've been playing games since I was 5 (25 years) and gave it up without a second thought. Like me, he needs to focus on his wife and not a level 25 barbarian.

[TrustInYourself]

Exactly, the game is a major energy drain. It's addictive. If you let him play occasionally, it's tantamount to offering a drink to an alcoholic.

 

As I said before, show some understanding, but he's going to need help. It's addictive and hard to walk away from. I find myself having thoughts about the game I left behind from time to time. I know it destroyed a big portion of my marriage. I have to just remind myself the importance of real life over some silly game.

 

It's not unloving to support his decision to stop. This will allow him to be the man he needs to be.

[TrustInYourself]

Speaking of which, the better and better things get with my wife, the more of an urge I get to play games. I seriously have an addiction and I find myself thinking about playing again moderately. I'm not sure if that's a good idea.

[Runrchick]

Okay, so it's been a little over a week since he's given up the gaming. I have a few thoughts and questions I was wondering if anyone can help me with...

 

First of all: it bugs me that he says he gave up the gaming for himself when it was really me that made him do it. He says "You said it's a problem, so I stopped. But I did it for me." I don't know why, but it bugs me that if it weren't for me, he'd still be playing it as always.

 

So now for the questions... This last week was nice. We did a lot of things together (watch movies, play cards/board games, had people over for a bonfire and play games, etc). So why am I not feeling any better about the situation or him? I honestly haven't felt anything good towards him whatsoever with these "changes." Shouldn't I be happy he's making the effort? For some reason it's like I have absolutely zero feelings or emotions for him or anything he does. I feel like a cold-hearted bitch, to put it bluntly! This should be a good thing, right? Then why can't i shake the feelings of resentment whatsoever!??

 

For example, he tells me "Well you said it's a problem (gaming), so i'm giving it up." Well I've been saying it's a problem for 3+ years and you never listened to me before. Granted the difference is that now he actually DID give it up... so why don't I feel better about it!??

 

I can't explain my attitude. All I know is that he's doing the things he once did for me, but now it just feels.... different. And I would think it would make me happy again, but it's not.

 

ARGH! What does THIS mean now?! He's actually trying and I can't get myself to appreciate it. Am I seriously that big of a bitch!?? Or what!??

 

Has anyone else out there ever dealt with this or felt this way? Please help!

[TrustInYourself]

He should recognize it's a problem. Not because you say it's a problem or because you think it's a problem. If he recognizes the impact it has on his life, than he would not make statements such as what you've listed here.

 

I would not tolerate that kind of statement. It's immature and weak. It shows he's not over the games and he doesn't respect or value you.

 

I think it's good that you're trying to work on it, but if you're exhausted and finished with him, maybe it's time to move out/separate. That should give him some perspective.

 

If he goes back to the games you can see what he truly values.

[Maladjusted]

See, the only reason I had quit playing video games was because I didn't realize the impact it was having on my marriage and my life. Perhaps when you finally put your foot down that was when he realized he needed to make changes.

 

When the Xbox was gone I missed it at first but there are other things that I need to be doing at the moment.

 

You aren't happy because you were already of a mindset that the relationship was over. You are going to have to give yourself and the relationship time to recover. It wont happen in a week.

[Runrchick]

Thanks for the response, TIY and Mal.

 

I think in part you're right. I have emotionally shut myself down on this relationship. Another part of this though is that I don't have a lot of faith in him following through. We've been through this cycle many many many times in the last 3+ years, and EVERY SINGLE TIME he's let me down. It's hard to keep faith in someone after that kind of track record. So if it's true that I really need time to get over everything, I just wonder how long that will take and if I have the strength or energy to keep it up. Because right now, honestly, I'm completely spent.

 

Yesterday he was distant again. I asked him what was up, and he said "Well I guess I'm just frustrated things aren't moving faster with us then they are." He was referring to the fact that he gave up his game (for me) and things aren't perfect yet. Well, it's been less than 10 days. I had to deal with this BS for over 3 years, and in that time NOTHING changed. Progress wasn't slow, it was nonexistant! I'm sorry I don't feel bad for his 10 days of anguish since it's been 3+ years on my part!

 

Grrr!!!

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah. He expects changes overnight. Guys like us are pretty retarded sometimes.

[2sure]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163698/

 

If that above link works it will take you to a post from a man that with very similar problems.